The Healing Process

I've been pretty tight-lipped about my health on here during the last couple years because I've been on a constantly evolving treatment plan with no real promises and an uncertain end.

Prior to 2011, I was disabled for about 6 years with what doctors categorized as "collections of symptoms" - POTS, IBS, multiple chemical sensitivity, and chronic fatigue syndrome. No one could tell me what was really causing all of this or how to fix it. Prescriptions were written for some of my symptoms. I tried a beta blocker, fludrocortisone, birth control pills, melatonin, midodrine, but I was so sensitive to the drugs that I often ended up with severe side effects and not much improvement. The coping methods of salt, fluids, exercise, and compression hose were detailed in my 2011 series of "Living Better with Dysautonomia."

But ultimately, I desired something more than living better with my symptoms. I wanted to heal. So several years ago, I sought out an integrative medicine doctor. She explained to me that my symptoms were caused by damage to my digestive system resulting in intestinal permeability, or in plain terms a "leaky gut."

Over 2 years ago, I committed to a long journey of trying to heal my leaky gut naturally. I'm not completely cured, but the change in my level of functioning has been nothing short of remarkable. I sometimes stop in the middle of an activity and am struck by the wonder that I am standing without needing to sit, or that I can cook a meal and then clean up the kitchen.

For the next few posts, I plan to write a series about some natural supplements, products, gentle exercises, and diet changes that have helped me the most. I am not a doctor, and I am emphatic that I am not giving anyone medical advice. However, I will share in general what has helped me personally. My intent for this series is to share hope for healing leaky gut, along with potentially helpful ideas to discuss with your doctor.

Here is a preview of what I intend to cover in future posts:

Triggers I try to avoid:

• mold/water damage
• pesticides
• herbicides
• bug spray
• scented candles
• perfumes
• air fresheners
• scented laundry soap
• commercial hand/body soaps
• antibiotics
• birth control pills
• steroids
• NSAIDs

Products I've added:

• all-natural: soap, shampoo, deodorant, lotion, toothpaste, makeup, dish soap, hand soap
• non-toxic cleaning products

Foods I try to avoid:

• SUGAR!
• gluten
• dairy/lactose
• peanuts
• soy
• corn
• processed foods
• non-organic produce, especially "the dirty dozen"
• refined white flour
• sweet drinks like soda, fruit juice, sweet tea
• alcohol
• caffeine/coffee
• chemical additives and dyes
• artificial sugar substitutes

Foods I've added:

• organic vegetables (especially green ones)
• vegetable juice/lemon and lime juice
• extra virgin cold-pressed organic coconut oil 
• extra virgin cold-pressed olive oil
• organic coconut milk
• unsweetened almond milk
• avocados
• ginger
• garlic
• fresh herbs
• wild-caught fish
• organic eggs
• grass-fed beef
• organic turkey and chicken with broth
• almond, walnut, or cashew nut butters
• milk thistle tea, ginger/licorice tea, green Rooibos tea
• almond and coconut flour
• iodized salt
• raw honey

Supplements that have helped:

• olive leaf (extract, ear drops, and nasal spray)
• oil of oregano
• l-glutamine powder
• digestive enzymes
• probiotics
• gelatin (still testing)
• calcium+vitamin D
• B-vitamins
• vitamin C
• whole food multivitamin

Stress-reducing techniques:

• Bentonite clay baths
• Epsom salt baths
• magnesium gel
• vitamin C lotion
• Tai chi/qigong
• yoga

Through all of this trial and error over the last 2.5 years, I've had some miserable failures too. I've found that certain products that helped others remarkably actually made me much worse. I've learned that certain foods I thought I could tolerate (quinoa!) actually seemed to irritate my gut. I'm still learning what works and what doesn't, so I don't consider this a comprehensive or final list. If you're particularly interested in something, please post questions or personal experiences in the comments. Additionally, please comment if you have tried something not listed that has helped you. I am always reading, researching, and looking for new ideas in my own healing process.


"He realized immediately that his power to speak on behalf of God to others in the midst of their unpleasant lives depended on his speaking from the midst of his own unpleasantness."
- Larry Crabb

The Three

"He did not attain to the three."

When I read this in the Bible the other day, it made me question how a famous, mighty, loyal warrior of David's army, would not be in an elite group of fighters called "the three." When I read it again about another mighty man of King David, the head of his bodyguard, it called my attention back to the same thought. Who are the three? Why are they set apart? I had to go back and read the names again since they were so obscure:

Josheb
Eleazar (not the priest from Moses' day)
Shammah

Do you remember them? I don't.

But what they did in their time was so remarkable that they were honored far above those who had slain lions, commanded the best, and fought off enemies in the name of God.

There are only a few lines in 2 Samuel 23 telling about each one, but when I read them, it encourages me in the midst of battles of my own to strive to be like them.

Josheb: "He wielded his spear against eight hundred whom he killed at one time."

For Josheb, what made him stand out was the sheer number of enemies he faced and overcame by his God-given strength. Have you ever been faced with multiple trials at one time? Or been tempted to give up? Have you felt anxiety, depression, hopelessness and fear all at once?

Eleazar: "He rose and struck down the Philistines until his hand was weary, and his hand clung to the sword."

His achievement was fighting through extreme weariness and exhaustion. He was so committed to persevere that the cost to his hand didn't matter. Have you ever been so tired of trying to do the right thing and getting bad results that you didn't think it was worth it anymore? Ever felt like you couldn't physically move or that you emotionally had nothing left to give? Did you give anyway to someone you love despite what it cost you?

Shammah is my favorite. "The Philistines gathered together at Lehi, where there was a plot of ground full of lentils, and the men fled from the Philistines. But he took his stand in the midst of the plot and defended it and struck down the Philistines, and the Lord worked a great victory.

When all other warriors ran away in fear, it was Shammah who took his stand. But it's not Shammah who worked the victory. It was the Lord. Have you ever lost a relationship in your life simply because the person pulled away when you were in trouble? Or have you been someone who has tried to flee from a hard situation in fear? I've been both.

I think those of us who suffer chronic illness, repeated setbacks, monumental situational and circumstantial challenges can relate to being bombarded by adversity, fighting beyond when we are weary, and having others flee from us when times turn tough. When I look at David's mighty men, I see great sacrifice and bravery, but when I look at "the three," I see an exceptional devotion to serving God that inspires me and encourages me to keep going.

In the New Testament, when talking about spiritual warfare in Ephesians 6, Paul encourages us to "stand" 4 times in only four verses. He also stresses the vast number of powerful enemies we face, as well as the need for perseverance. 

Our armor as Christians consists of truth (belt), receiving total right-standing with God through Christ's removal of condemnation (breastplate), believing the gospel message (shoes), possessing faith that can deflect and disable false ideas (shield), our sure hope of being destined for heaven (helmet), and the word of God (sword). 

This armor and these three mighty men give us a physical example of a spiritual reality. It's God who accomplishes the victory, but we as servants need to arm ourselves and fight against temptation. Temptation during illness is often subtle - to try to fill my own aching needs apart from God, to turn angry at repeated disappointments and reject his plan for my life, to test God by setting conditions on my obedience or a timetable on his deliverance, or expectations on his ways of love.

So, as followers of Jesus, let's fight against the many temptations that come against us in this world, regardless of how big they seem to be or how small we feel.

Let's persevere when we're weary and not give up when we feel depleted.

And above all, let's stand our ground when we know the truth, even when others flee from us because the situation is uncomfortable. When we have stood our ground, in the end we'll see it was the Lord who worked a great victory through us.


Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.
Ephesians 6:10-13

Update

I have been blogging less mainly because I've not had much to say. I'm struggling with my own doubts and fears some days. Other days I am giving thanks for physical improvements while hoping for circumstantial improvements that just don't seem to come. My family is going through an exceptionally difficult season right now, so that is also taking up my energy and time. I am a very private person, mainly because of the stalking and harassment we've been through, so I don't share much of my day-to-day life on my blog. I prefer to keep my writing to my spiritual life, which I try to be open about.

I've been thinking for a while about sharing the natural treatments that have helped me but feel conflicted because A) I am not fully healed, just markedly improved at this point and B) I don't want to come across as giving medical advice or posting something that could harm someone else if they tried it. I've done a lot of experimentation on myself with natural supplements and diet since my medical care hasn't been much help, but I wouldn't really advise someone else do that! :)  I've made a lot of mistakes and paid for them, but ultimately, the past two years of putting myself through it has helped me come out better on the other side. God has provided miraculous healing properties in the plants he has made, and I'm trying to figure out how to use those to continue to heal.

Finding words to speak

When I couldn't find the words to pray this weekend, it was such a release of pressure when this psalm spoke for me. A portion of my burden was carried to God in these words. He understands when I feel so isolated and alone. When it seems as if no one can grasp the pain lashed tight around my soul, these words unbind it, and, loosened, I sigh, feeling the relief of room to breathe, words to speak, a God who gets my grief.

Save me, O God!
    For the waters have come up to my neck.
 I sink in deep mire,
    where there is no foothold;
I have come into deep waters,
    and the flood sweeps over me.
I am weary with my crying out;
    my throat is parched.
My eyes grow dim
    with waiting for my God.

But as for me, my prayer is to you, O Lord.
    At an acceptable time, O God,
    in the abundance of your steadfast love answer me in your saving faithfulness.

Psalm 69:1-3,13

Lord, I need you.

Weary. That one word soaks through my bones sometimes. In those moments, it's as if I am a spectator, watching others live the life I want to live. I want to help people, to travel, to have a career, to have a family of my own. It's especially hard to be trapped by limitations which vary so much from day to day, even from minute to minute. The unreliability, the dependence, the weakness - it can wear on a soul that desperately wants to jump up and act.

I felt encouraged in my weakness last night as I read about David's exhausted men in 1 Samuel 30. David and 600 of his men had found their homes torched and their families and possessions stolen. When they rode off to catch the people who did it, 200 of the men were too exhausted after over 60 total miles and terrible grief to go on fighting. They stayed with the baggage while the other 400 men went with David to reclaim their people and goods.

It was when David returned, victorious and spent, that some of the men with him didn't want to share their spoil with those who'd needed to rest. David, a man after God's own heart, made clear that those who aligned themselves with him were just as deserving of the rewards as those who were stronger and capable of fighting. It was their heart attitude and their willingness to go as far as they could that mattered to David.

I think it's that way with God. When we are willing to go as far as our weariness will allow, even resting on the sidelines is a noble job. Let's not look down on those who sit and rest while the strong and healthy go out to do the more visible tasks. Just think of how abundant our reward in heaven will be, given by the same generous hand that provided for all of David's men - by the one whose power is made perfect in weakness.


But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 

Hope in the Darkness

"The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light; those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness, on them has light shone." Isaiah 9:2

This Christmas I spent a lot of time thinking about this painting called "Twilight in the Wilderness" by Frederic Edwin Church. It reminds me of a journey taken through uncharted land - grueling, demanding, exhausting. But then, upon reaching a precipice at just the right time, there is the most breathtaking beauty that breaks through the daunting monotony. The constant struggles with underbrush and sleepless nights fade in that moment, awash with glory.

Jesus came for us who are hurting, for us caught in the far-reaching effects of sin, addiction, and sadness.

He came first to the shepherds. They were, as Pope Francis said, "among the last, the outcast...who were awake, keeping watch in the night, guarding their flocks." God chose them specifically for this extraordinary moment on the precipice, to witness his glory breaking through into our painful struggles. He came first not to kings but to those humble workers who day after day kept watch in the lonely places. Jesus came to seek those who want light more than the darkness they feel they can't escape.

If you, like the shepherds, are awake in the late night alone seeking relief, if because of pain or fear or illness or trauma or caregiving or grief you feel that the light of a Savior is a far-off, flickering flame - remember there is hope in the manger. He is the Light of the World promised to save us, and our future glorious deliverance is sure when we trust him.

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
John 1:5

A Year of Questions

This year I've obviously written much less. As the cursor blinks, I wonder why I have so few answers. I wonder where the analogies are, why I can't boil down what I'm learning or sum up the moments of these days and months.

The fact is that this has been a year of questions more than answers. Last year at this time, I was being broken again. Events happened that were beyond my power, and that feeling of being out-of-control, of being so frustrated and (dare I say) angry with God sent me into a dark time. I wrestled with who God was all over again. I even stopped wrestling at times and tried to numb myself with TV, knitting projects, puzzles, anything to forget the pain. As the series of crises eased off, the lingering sense of helplessness and isolation remained. I looked at God and church through raw experiences that didn't match the neat little packages of "pray and receive" or "come for fellowship and be accepted and helped."

No. My problems ran too deep to share over casual "How was your vacation?" conversation. My questions and searching weren't socially acceptable. So I hid them. I went underground and withdrew from sharing. It was easier, and I didn't know what else to do. It became normal for me to skip a week (or more) of Bible reading, only to catch up in binge reading so that I wouldn't lose my anchor altogether.

My prayers were sparse and I stopped condemning myself for it. I wondered where God was. People asked me to pray for trivial things, and I wanted to scream that I could barely pray for my family and myself. I knew things could get even worse, so I'd try to remain thankful almost in fear of suffering more loss if I became ungrateful. A flicker of hope was found in reading about people who struggled with the same disillusionment. Those who had lived in the bubble of suburban "life-works-out" and suddenly found themselves falling from that protective bulb, tumbling into a hole they couldn't pray themselves out of. It happened to me.

So for those of you who have circumstances that God hasn't changed; for those who have prayed and cried out to God for relief only to wake up to stumble over a fresh obstacle the next day; for those who wonder when this will end, when the Savior will reveal his deliverance - this year is a year I sat with you and said, I am here too. I have no answers, but I am here with you, and my faith still remains. God is who he says he is. The evening sunset declares it. His intricate design of every cell in our bodies magnifies his brilliance. He is mysterious and incomprehensible. All I know is that the more I desire to know him and the closer I want to draw, the harder life seems to get, and the more pain I feel. And yet, that place in my heart that should be hardened, bitter, and resentful is still a wide open wound, throbbing with even greater hunger for his love.

I realize more than ever how real and subversive and subtle evil is. And along with that knowledge is my need for someone powerful enough, loving enough, wise enough to help me. The temptation to turn to a counterfeit is crushing at times. Just feed that immediate need with a person or show or celebrity who can make you feel better, but they are shadows and disappointments in the end.

I can't explain it, but Jesus is somehow with me, especially in the lonely nights. He's not fixing the situation but is slowly changing my heart. He's the only one who overcame death, and he invites me with all my questions, with my secret doubts, with my shameful angry outbursts and confusion to have breakfast with him just like Peter who failed. Without judgment, he receives me, understands, and encourages me to keep going, to keep feeding lambs and tending sheep.

In a year of questions, I need to cling to the One who is the answer.

"The pupil dilates in the darkness and in the end finds light, just as the soul dilates in misfortune and in the end finds God."
-Victor Hugo (Les Miserables)