What I learned from weeds

Life with a little boy is non-stop. From when my eyes open in the morning to when I drop wearily into bed at night, I am making snacks, scheduling appointments, placing orders, picking up groceries, baking for food sensitivities, cleaning potties, washing hands, guiding, disciplining, cajoling, wiping, watching for potential injuries, comforting after a fall, calming meltdowns, reading truck books, building with blocks, dumping cans, encouraging, coloring, answering countless 'why' questions, rocking, singing, and of course, playing outside.

Being outside with my son is one of my favorite things to do. He loves dirt and digging in it, so we spend a lot of time around the base of our red maple outside and in the bed around the house. We dig with shovels and sticks and fingers. It's good therapy for me because I don't have to worry about anything in the moment other than finding some weeds to prod loose from the dusty soil.

In the years of struggle with tongue-tie and feeding issues following his birth, I felt like I was just going through the motions to survive. We then got hit with a serious mold issue under our dishwasher, which contaminated our entire main floor. It brought back old mold-exposure symptoms and set us all back when we were barely coping with the basics each day. Lockdown due to Covid followed the cleanup, and then we lost our sweet rescue dog a few months later. It turned out that I also had Graves' disease, which resulted in a hospitalization and is causing me to take a long look at my stress management and my poor sleeping and eating habits.

Lawn maintenance during this stressful time had been simple mowing and not much else. We ended up with monster weeds in our beds, and though some had shallow roots and came out easily, pulling most of these was one heck of a job. As I scraped around one such stubborn weed and saw the surface leaves pop off, I knew the roots harbored future misery underneath. It was a truth that hit me in a way that hasn't happened in a while. A whisper from God of what I know to be true. When you neglect your soul, weeds grow deep. My soul has been in a dormant state, and I haven't been tending to the weeds of questions, fears, and doubts by investigating and studying. I have no daily habit of time with God, and my prayers are tired and hurried at day's end. Over time, the roots of these weeds have sunk deep, and picking the leaves off at the top by watching church online is not preventing them from popping up again. I find my thoughts reverting back to old coping mechanisms I thought I'd left behind. Like every human, I have a void to fill, and Jesus has been patiently waiting for me to invite him in again. "But I'm tired, Lord," I always think, "and studying is too much when I'm so busy and interrupted and exhausted." It's a good kind of tired when I can now expend energy walking with my child and fixing new recipes and driving him places. But I find myself complacent in these blessings, and my desire to be near Christ has become a wish rather than a drive to desperately seek him daily.

I'm sharing these "weeds" as I wrestle with how to get back to where I once was. The verses I knew by heart are now foggy. The passages I once flipped to easily are less familiar and form hazy connections in my mind. Maybe you have been there. Maybe you are there now. Maybe binge-watching a show occupies your mind just enough before bed that you don't need to confront how lonely and hard life sometimes feels, how much you ache for real connection but just go through the motions of the day instead. 

What I know from the weeds is that neglect takes its toll when it comes to health or faith or love. And that's not a cost I'm willing to pay after all I've been through. My only choice, as weak as it feels in the moment, is to turn back now and try - just for today - to seek God. 

I asked for a Bible for Christmas so that I could get off my phone app and start new. A place I can underline with pen and learn new lessons from verses that I may need to see in a different light. And God promises that when I do this day by day, he'll reveal himself to me. He'll help me sink my roots - even deeper than those weeds - so that I cannot be shaken. When I drink from Him, the wellspring of life, I can flourish, even when conditions are difficult and dry. Jesus said he is the way, the truth, and the life, and no one comes to the Father except through him. Unless my branch connects to Jesus, I am easily dried up and useless for eternal things. I want to make a change today, even though I know I will have times when I stumble and fall in the process. Will you pray for me to persevere and join me this coming year in digging deeper to seek God?

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit." -Jeremiah 17:7-8