tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44298624740706284542024-02-08T00:11:25.039-05:00Colors of QavahWait and hope for and expect the Lord; be brave and of good courage and let your heart be stout and enduring. Yes, wait for and hope for and expect the Lord.
Psalm 27:14Qavahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12485779319233501432noreply@blogger.comBlogger181125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429862474070628454.post-50366645038470325562021-12-27T22:16:00.001-05:002021-12-29T16:30:03.356-05:00What I learned from weeds<p>Life with a little boy is non-stop. From when my eyes open in the morning to when I drop wearily into bed at night, I am making snacks, scheduling appointments, placing orders, picking up groceries, baking for food sensitivities, cleaning potties, washing hands, guiding, disciplining, cajoling, wiping, watching for potential injuries, comforting after a fall, calming meltdowns, reading truck books, building with blocks, dumping cans, encouraging, coloring, answering countless 'why' questions, rocking, singing, and of course, playing outside.</p><p>Being outside with my son is one of my favorite things to do. He loves dirt and digging in it, so we spend a lot of time around the base of our red maple outside and in the bed around the house. We dig with shovels and sticks and fingers. It's good therapy for me because I don't have to worry about anything in the moment other than finding some weeds to prod loose from the dusty soil.</p><p>In the years of struggle with tongue-tie and feeding issues following his birth, I felt like I was just going through the motions to survive. We then got hit with a serious mold issue under our dishwasher, which contaminated our entire main floor. It brought back old mold-exposure symptoms and set us all back when we were barely coping with the basics each day. Lockdown due to Covid followed the cleanup, and then we lost our sweet rescue dog a few months later. It turned out that I also had Graves' disease, which resulted in a hospitalization and is causing me to take a long look at my stress management and my poor sleeping and eating habits.</p><p>Lawn maintenance during this stressful time had been simple mowing and not much else. We ended up with monster weeds in our beds, and though some had shallow roots and came out easily, pulling most of these was one heck of a job. As I scraped around one such stubborn weed and saw the surface leaves pop off, I knew the roots harbored future misery underneath. It was a truth that hit me in a way that hasn't happened in a while. A whisper from God of what I know to be true. When you neglect your soul, weeds grow deep. My soul has been in a dormant state, and I haven't been tending to the weeds of questions, fears, and doubts by investigating and studying. I have no daily habit of time with God, and my prayers are tired and hurried at day's end. Over time, the roots of these weeds have sunk deep, and picking the leaves off at the top by watching church online is not preventing them from popping up again. I find my thoughts reverting back to old coping mechanisms I thought I'd left behind. Like every human, I have a void to fill, and Jesus has been patiently waiting for me to invite him in again. "But I'm tired, Lord," I always think, "and studying is too much when I'm so busy and interrupted and exhausted." It's a good kind of tired when I can now expend energy walking with my child and fixing new recipes and driving him places. But I find myself complacent in these blessings, and my desire to be near Christ has become a wish rather than a drive to desperately seek him daily.</p><p>I'm sharing these "weeds" as I wrestle with how to get back to where I once was. The verses I knew by heart are now foggy. The passages I once flipped to easily are less familiar and form hazy connections in my mind. Maybe you have been there. Maybe you are there now. Maybe binge-watching a show occupies your mind just enough before bed that you don't need to confront how lonely and hard life sometimes feels, how much you ache for real connection but just go through the motions of the day instead. </p><p>What I know from the weeds is that neglect takes its toll when it comes to health or faith or love. And that's not a cost I'm willing to pay after all I've been through. My only choice, as weak as it feels in the moment, is to turn back now and try - just for today - to seek God. </p><p>I asked for a Bible for Christmas so that I could get off my phone app and start new. A place I can underline with pen and learn new lessons from verses that I may need to see in a different light. And God promises that when I do this day by day, he'll reveal himself to me. He'll help me sink my roots - even deeper than those weeds - so that I cannot be shaken. When I drink from Him, the wellspring of life, I can flourish, even when conditions are difficult and dry. Jesus said he is the way, the truth, and the life, and no one comes to the Father except through him. Unless my branch connects to Jesus, I am easily dried up and useless for eternal things. I want to make a change today, even though I know I will have times when I stumble and fall in the process. Will you pray for me to persevere and join me this coming year in digging deeper to seek God?</p><p><i>"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit." </i>-Jeremiah 17:7-8</p>Qavahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12485779319233501432noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429862474070628454.post-44935386510874933102019-09-13T16:51:00.001-04:002019-09-14T18:42:21.136-04:00Seasons<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The air smells different once September arrives. It's more than cool breezes, bonfires, and aging leaves that signal autumn. It's a feeling that drifts unseen through the arboretums and picturesque college campuses. Life rhythms are changing. Summer sunny walks and warm, pink cheeks are exchanged for oversized wool wraps and boots that kick leaves absentmindedly.<br />
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We keep walking, but the changes around us force us to adapt in order to keep going.<br />
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On my 4th wedding anniversary, my husband and I watched a video of our wedding and a slideshow of our first year together. Tears came to my eyes that had not been there when I initially made the video, and I realized it was because all that has happened since that time has made the memory of that season even more profoundly beautiful. Like soup that tastes richer after some time in the fridge, memories build on other memories until you have a depth of flavor. And it's both the good and the bad, the sweet and the salty, the acidity and the bitterness that give these seasons their unique character.<br />
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Looking back on my spiritual journey, I see a big exhale that happened when I got married. It was a fulfillment of a dream and a feeling that God's willingness to let me suffer had an end. I became a wife, and over time, I learned how to care for myself and my husband and my home. And with that season eventually came the struggle to have a child.<br />
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Does God's will for me include having a baby? Do I have enough energy? Am I capable of carrying to term? How will this affect my health? How will I get through labor? What will I face if my child is unhealthy? Is this path even possible?<br />
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And that challenging season (coupled with the soul satisfaction of marriage) was full of disappointments and physical pain, full of anxiety over what I ate and drank, full of doubt and questioning over a choice that would change my life forever but with no solid answers. "The Ghost Ship" was an article I read which talked about how you can never know the way your life would have been once you take the fork in the road - either way - kids or no kids.<br />
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After so many months of false hope, finally getting a strong positive test affected me deeply. I was ecstatic. But I was scared to count on this. Scared it would be taken away from me. Even up until labor and, indeed, even after my son was born, I had the fears that trauma victims always carry - will this too be taken away? What if the worst happens? God does not owe me a perfect outcome. Do I have the ability to be at peace when this could all end in tragedy?<br />
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These feelings were made all the more vivid as complications came up and my son lost weight too fast and failed to gain enough in the first few months. Week after week, I was consumed by the daily tasks required to keep him alive, as well as feelings of failing him.<br />
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Like Elijah, lonely in the wasteland after a giant triumph, I was unable to do more than what was required for basic survival. I was haunted by fear and regrets and loneliness. I wondered if the long dark nights of spitup and the rhythmic hum of the Medela would ever end. I breathed in and out. I pumped. Others fed me. And I know God was there.<br />
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In this quiet business of survival, winter eventually turned into spring. Instead of staying awake all night pumping, I was able to return to sleeping at night and cautiously start nursing more. I saw the sun again. The scale started to creep up. The tongue-tie, lip-tie, reflux, and food sensitivities had enveloped me in a frightening season, during which I felt his newborn moments were tainted and colored by the urgency to gain weight. Yet gradually, he began to thrive.<br />
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A baby reminds you that all seasons come to an end. Just when you have adjusted to one set of needs, how to meet them, and how to drag yourself through a sleep-deprived day with some food (and sometimes a shower), they move into a new phase and you have no choice but to move with them. To adjust your ways. To cope with new issues. To appreciate new joys.<br />
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And spiritually, there were adjustments happening with God. I rested in him. I took comfort in not needing to perform to be loved. I didn't need to study footnotes, read long passages, fill in blanks, or push myself into attending services. I was barely able to whisper pleas for enough milk each day. Instead of striving, I was able to abide in his love and give thanks for all he had given me.<br />
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Now that my son is growing and moving on to new milestones like solid food, crawling, and standing, I can feel my spiritual season changing too. Nudges from verses I read to him are welcome reminders to return before my rest becomes drifting. And deeper thoughts about family stresses draw me like a magnet back to Jesus. How do I refocus on Christ when my mind panics and flails like a drowning man in a sea of worries? (Isaiah 26:3)<br />
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In singleness, in illness, in infertility, in struggle of any kind, there is a yearning and a place for pain but also for very specific joys. The encouragement (and caution) I take from looking back is that all these seasons do indeed end and new ones begin. It is up to us to intentionally find the moments of joy and not miss all the unique seasonal qualities that will soon fade like the changing leaves. Those moments are grains of sand slipping through the hourglass, to be treasured like the grasp of tiny baby hands that will one day be grown.<br />
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Do not lose heart when you are struggling. God is there working even when we are not reading or praying or worshiping in a standard/recognizable way. He is enough. We may find ourselves seeking or resting, doubting or believing, questioning or settling, striving or still, but above all, always waiting for him. In my sleep deprived state, I'll meditate on one verse, sing to him, or whisper short prayers, and take comfort that I'm doing what I can to respond to God's love in this season.<br />
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After all the waiting I went through with God, to be married, to be a mom, I feel such intense gratitude in the midst of exhaustion and endless tasks. I look into a mirror with my son to show him his reflection. It's a mirror my dear friend gave me for my wedding as a reminder of the reward for my long-suffering and waiting. "He has made everything beautiful in its time," it says. As I look at my son's smiling face, remembering the long, hard road to get here, I agree. If God can do all this in a broken world, in a broken body, in a hopeless situation, what marvelous eternal gifts are yet to come?<br />
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Qavahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12485779319233501432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429862474070628454.post-20105061024708202892018-01-12T18:09:00.000-05:002018-01-12T18:29:48.788-05:00Out with the Old. In with the New.Can you still say you blog when you average 1 post per year?<br />
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It's a joy to say that I've been gone because I have been living more rather than surviving. My health has improved enough that I've graduated from full-time patient to housewife. That change has allowed me to assume some level of independence in terms of daily cooking, laundry, dishes, errands, caring for a dog, and even continuing part-time tutoring online. My health challenges continue, and so does my research. However, instead of trying to get myself out of bed all day, I have to figure out how to get a better sleep at night.<br />
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I read back through my previous posts, and there have been changes, even in the past 2 years.<br />
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I can't tolerate fish oil because I found out it lowers NK cell activity and brings back all my chronic fatigue symptoms. Apparently people with chronic fatigue syndrome often struggle with low NK cell number and/or activity. Fish oil suppresses that even further and makes me feel terrible. What increases NK cells? Walks in the woods!<br />
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Wobenzym is a combination of pancreatic enzymes and anti-inflammatory plant enzymes. A very low dose of 1 pill/day has not only improved my digestion, but it seems to have improved my immune system when I fight off viruses.<br />
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A long experiment of eating gluten-free organic oatmeal has left me confused as to my level of sensitivity. I developed ongoing bladder irritation, but was it because of the oats? My grandma with celiac disease couldn't tolerate the oat protein avenin, so maybe I am sensitive as well. I miss the added fiber and the warm comfort of a hot bowl of cereal. <br />
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Also out this year? Nut milk. That seemed to irritate my bladder too.<br />
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Tacos have made a magnificent comeback here thanks to Siete grain-free tortillas!<br />
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I've mentioned in previous posts that I couldn't digest quinoa. Last summer I made the delightful discovery that I can tolerate *sprouted* organic quinoa easily. Cooking it in chicken broth with some sauteed spinach added in, sesame oil, coconut aminos, and Tamari - delicious!<br />
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Symptoms indicate that I struggle with intolerance to histamine. I break into itchy rashes when I eat fermented foods or too much bone broth or kefir. I tried to take acidophilus and was covered in little itchy bumps. The light finally went on, and I investigated strains of histamine-lowering probiotics. D-lactate free from Custom Probiotics helped not only the itching but also my sleep and digestion. I had to start with a fraction of an "infant" scoop, but working my way up to a 1/4, then a 1/2 was workable. <br />
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Gelatin also makes me itchy, but when I eat it mid-cycle, it still does wonders for menstrual cramps.<br />
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Naturelo is a new company that makes excellent whole-food vitamins that have particularly helped with my magnesium and calcium needs. The capsules are more easily absorbed than tablets and are spread throughout the day.<br />
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And lastly: Yoga!<br />
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What a difference weekly, gentle yoga has made for me. During my sickest days, I slept well into the afternoon. It would have been unthinkable for me at that time to imagine getting up in the (albeit late) morning and participating in a yoga class that lasts over an hour. During one class after Christmas, as I experienced an uncharacteristic strength and stability in my legs while extending my arms over my head, I felt such gratitude to God. He has taught me through the experiences of others, given me insight into what works and what doesn't, helped me learn priorities and how to pace my limited energy, and he has humbled me with struggles and setbacks so I never become overconfident in various "solutions." I will never feel as if I have all the answers or as if I am cured. But treating my intestinal permeability through an anti-inflammatory diet, manageable exercise, and natural antifungals/antivirals has transformed my life.<br />
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I continue to re-evaluate, read, and experiment. It's the nature of the beast. I also eat way too much gluten-free bread and still have days when I feel overwhelmed and exhausted. But on the whole, this year finds me better than the one before, and I am grateful to my Maker. He has created the healing vegetables and fruits and garlic and coconuts and olives. He has been leading me on to leave behind the old and embrace new things. To not be scared of change.<br />
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What new thing have you been putting off trying? What do you need to give up to try to reach a greater level of health? Slow, small, baby steps make the changes possible. <br />
<br />Qavahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12485779319233501432noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429862474070628454.post-47897670592876816122017-02-09T17:15:00.000-05:002017-02-09T17:15:37.648-05:00"That's what I get for praying"<br />
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Monday night I was exhausted in every way. Though so many good things have happened in the last couple years, the core issues that tore my family apart remain. Each day I have to put one foot in front of the other, as if those issues do not exist because I am powerless to stop them, and because God is silent. So, so silent. It's a challenge some days just to make food, to shower, to take care of my own broken body, to cope with feelings of grief that well up unexpectedly. Thinking of one more potential issue, one more thing broken, one more flood, or one more crisis makes me feel numb.<br />
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That Monday night in prayer, I pierced my usual bullet list of gratitude with an honest cry from my heart. In the midst of thanking God for all that was good, I asked for a reprieve from major problems, from the next shoe dropping, from the crisis that waits just around the corner so that afterward you say, "remember life before it happened?"<br />
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As I fell asleep, I knew it was not a surrender prayer but a prayer for mercy. For help. Maybe God would hear how tired I am of trying to pick up pieces and keep pushing forward.<br />
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The next morning, I laid in bed for a half hour after waking. I waited for the strength to face the day to seep into me as the fading shadow of sleep fled my mind and muscles. After I reluctantly threw the covers back, washed my face, and used the bathroom, I opened my phone to multiple missed calls and a text message no one wants to read - Your mom and dog have been in an accident on the highway caused by road rage.<br />
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I felt like George Bailey that day. A punch in the face after a heartfelt prayer. This is a feeling I've had before but rarely so acutely as this.<br />
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But before I could sink into more self-pity or draw back any further from God, I remembered how Clarence later corrected George's misinterpretation:<br />
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"Your lip's bleeding, George."<br />
"Yeah, I got a bust in the jaw in answer to a prayer a little bit ago."<br />
"Oh, no no no, George, <i>I'm</i> the answer to your prayer. That's why I was sent down here."<br />
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It's a mystery how God works in response to prayer. I'm convinced I know less about how prayer works than I ever thought I knew. But one thing I do know is that we can often misinterpret God's actions. What may seem like cruelty or silence or hardship may actually be unrelated or a mercy about to unfold. What may seem like silence in one key area may be in contrast to a plan or a flourishing garden of blessing in another area of life.<br />
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Elijah is the biblical counterpart to George Bailey. Like George, he worked hard to do the right thing all his life. He sacrificed, faced a powerful, evil foe, and triumphed. However, after that dedication and triumph, instead of being rewarded with relief, his very life was in jeopardy, and he ran away, angry, afraid, and deeply discouraged.<br />
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It seemed like God's answer to Elijah was the threat of being killed, but it wasn't. Just like in the movie, God's response to George is not the punch. Instead, Elijah receives from God rest, food, comfort, and gentle questions to get him to consider a bigger picture. So too, in the movie, George receives compassion, care, and gentle questions from Clarence to gain perspective.<br />
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So in response to the accident, I must resist the urge to get angry and bitter, narrowly viewing this hardship as some divine punishment. I genuinely don't know the ways in which God will work, but in the meantime, I will remember that this world is a broken place. I'm here for God to teach, to use, to be a light, not to be on vacation from all pain. If he can use an accident to shape me and teach me about prayer or get my attention, I need to listen. God is often at work in bigger ways behind the scenes than we can ever expect.<br />
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So if you are weary from working hard for the Lord, if you are dealing with silence from God or prayers that feel ignored or even punished, don't miss the gentle hand of Jesus reaching out to you in your pain. It may be through a man like Clarence. It may be in a verse of scripture or a call from a friend. It may be a million different things. But in some way through your discouragement, Jesus is saying: "Oh, no no no,<i> I'm</i> the answer to your prayer." <br />
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Thank you, Lord, for sparing my mom and dear dog on the highway despite the evil that lurks in the hearts of drivers who rage on the road. Thank you for encouraging me with a broader perspective. Help me to keep going in faith when life is hard and crises happen. </div>
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Qavahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12485779319233501432noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429862474070628454.post-14673963363375971832016-10-17T18:45:00.000-04:002016-10-17T20:00:43.017-04:00he is the lamp. He is the sun.Today I was in a quiet, dark yoga studio. The shades were down on an overcast, late autumn morning. A tall lamp was lit beside me, and it provided a soft, warm glow in the room.<br />
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Before the teacher began, she raised the shades, and daylight came pouring in. This is my favorite place to sit. I am not distracted by others, and I can think here. I stare out the window as I stretch and breathe, loosening my body and freeing my mind. I unwrap and unwind. I look out the window at the flag fluttering, at the bird perched on the sill, at the trucks making deliveries, at the tall brick library, at the changing sky. The light wakes me up and reminds me that I am no longer prisoner to my pathological sleep rhythms that once kept me awake all night and sleeping all day. I relish the sun on my face, and it is why I try to get that one space right up by the window every time I come.<br />
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Today, as I consider the light pouring in despite the clouds, I notice the lamp still lit, now pale in comparison. I find it remarkable how it was once warm, powerful, my best way to see in this dark room, but overcome by the sun, it melts back to its rightful place as a gift, an aid, a way to get to the window for the real light to come streaming through.<br />
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I begin to think of the verses I read about love in 1 John this morning. I think about how, like the sun pours out light, God pours out love in abundance through his Son, and how that love abides in us and is perfected in us when we love one another. I think of my husband and how he has been the lamp in my dark room for so many years. He continues to allow God's love to flow through him to me, through a hug, through non-judgmental listening, through feedback and a gentle example that makes me think deeply and keep seeking God. <br />
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In the dark, when someone truly loves God, they can be a lamp, channeling his love. Light in a dark world. And when I wonder in my dark moments - does God see my pain? does God even care when I don't get a response to prayers prayed for decades? I look to my husband and see - here is my lamp of love, sacrificing, serving, lifting me up, reminding me that when the shade is lifted, when Jesus returns, the daylight will come pouring into my soul.<br />
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So take heart. It is night. We are not home yet. You may look around at this world, at this election, at all the hate, at all the proud things said. You may pray, and it may seem that nothing happens, that God does not care. But there are still people filled with God's love. You may be one of them. They are not Christians only "in word or talk, but in actions and in truth." And if you know one of these lamps, remember they are your encouragement to keep waiting, to keep longing, to keep persevering until the shade is pulled up, the sun comes flooding in, and you feel love fully, as you have never felt before. This is the promise in 1 John. And we can trust this lamp. He, after all, was "the one whom Jesus loved," and he says:<br />
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<i>"Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; if we love one another, God abides in us and his love is perfected in us." - 1 John 4:11-12</i><br />
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So because of the love Jesus showed us by laying down his life and forgiving our sins, let us believe in him, live through him, love like him, and choose to be a lamp to someone until the Son returns to shine again.Qavahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12485779319233501432noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429862474070628454.post-49761661282485367622016-03-09T17:11:00.000-05:002016-03-09T17:11:49.979-05:00A Song of Longing<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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A little over a week ago, I was flipping channels. Pausing on PBS, I heard Josh Groban and Kelly Clarkson begin a familiar duet for his Stages tour. I'd heard the Phantom song "All I Ask of You" countless times since I was 10, but this was different. I don't know if it was because the captions were showing the lyrics, because of Groban's beards-ly resemblance to the American idea of Jesus, or the girl-next-door way about Kelly, but as their voices curled and wrapped around each other like fragrant smoke swirling upward, I recognized the universal longing this song described, not just for a perfect love but for an eternal home. </div>
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Returning to our old church this year has been rehabilitating my religiously scarred and weary soul. Chapter by chapter, the church's simple Bible reading plan has been taking us through John's gospel. And as each line of the song was sung, I heard echos of this intimate and powerful testimony of Jesus and his promise of what is yet to come. It touched me more than a fill-in-the-blank Bible study or an overly repetitive contemporary praise song ever could because it tapped into my longing for real, eternal, perfect love. I think by the looks on the faces in the audience, more than one person felt this longing too. It's built into all of us. My mistake is looking so often for the fulfillment of this desire here on earth; this song points to love only Jesus can give - love that far exceeds our dreams.</div>
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"All I Ask of You" - Josh Groban and Kelly Clarkson</div>
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<i>Man: </i><br />
<i>No more talk of darkness (John 12:46)<br />Forget these wide-eyed fears (John 14:27)<br />I'm here, nothing can harm you (John 10:28)<br />My words will warm and calm you (John 5:24)</i><br />
<i>Let me be your freedom (John 8:31-32)<br />Let daylight dry your tears (Rev 21:4)<br />I'm here, with you, beside you (John 14:18)<br />To guard you and to guide you (John 17:12)</i><br />
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Woman:<br />
Say you'll love me every waking moment (John 3:16)<br />
Turn my head with talk of summer time (Luke 21:30-31)<br />
Say you need me with you now and always (John 17:24)<br />
Promise me that all you say is true (John 14:6)<br />
That's all I ask of you<br />
<br />
<i>Man:</i><br />
<i>Let me be your shelter (John 14:3)<br />Let me be your light (</i><i><i>John 8:12</i>)<br />You're safe, no one will find you (John 10:9)<br />Your fears are far behind you (John 16:33)</i><br />
<br />
Woman:<br />
All I want is freedom (John 8:36)<br />
A world with no more night (Rev 22:5)<br />
And you, always beside me (John 16:22)<br />
To hold me and to hide me (John 10:29)<br />
<br />
<i>Man:</i><br />
<i>Then say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime (John 14:23)<br />Let me lead you from your solitude (John 15:5)<br />Say you want me with you here, beside you (Rev 22:17)<br />Anywhere you go, let me go too (John 17:20-21)</i><br />
<i> That's all I ask of you</i><br />
<br />
Woman:<br />
Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime (John 6:35)<br />
Say the word and I will follow you (John 10:27)<br />
<br />
<b>Share each day with me, each night, each morning (Rev 21:3)</b><br />
<br />
Say you love me (1 John 4:19)<br />
<i>You know I do (John 15:9)</i><br />
<br />
<b>Love me, that's all I ask of you. </b><i>(John 14:21)</i><br />
<br />
<b>Anywhere you go, let me go too (John 6:68-69)<br />Love me, that's all I ask of you </b><b>(1 John 4:9)</b>
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</script>Qavahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12485779319233501432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429862474070628454.post-69174054031022620782016-02-24T23:53:00.000-05:002016-03-24T13:33:24.367-04:00Healing Process: What the heck do I eat now?<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJIktOB95-QuFnARRGY8HKq8qV6YftnuvYdBy6js2Uz6bX-2tbnI62Nmh3X42EocRmhfO_ZwZ81rQXaS5qMR04Ex6TnSPtwX_Q9rkHcMEbyotOBtlJOWfSSND_XIczh9_NY4Q30Y4zJmI/s1600/IMG_20151017_125640.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgJIktOB95-QuFnARRGY8HKq8qV6YftnuvYdBy6js2Uz6bX-2tbnI62Nmh3X42EocRmhfO_ZwZ81rQXaS5qMR04Ex6TnSPtwX_Q9rkHcMEbyotOBtlJOWfSSND_XIczh9_NY4Q30Y4zJmI/s200/IMG_20151017_125640.jpg" width="200" /></a><b></b> My ex-boyfriend's mother was the first one to tell me. <br />
<br />
It was well over a decade ago. She had just had an operation for breast cancer and was radically changing her diet to exclude sugar and other processed foods that feed cancer. When she handed us a book called <u>Potatoes Not Prozac</u>, we thanked her and kept the book around the house, unread.<br />
<br />
We thought that she may benefit from a radical diet change, but we were doing ok with our brownie mixes and fresh egg knot rolls and pecan pie. After all, we ate fruits and vegetables and considered ourselves fairly healthy eaters. Lots of people ate what we did and didn't have cancer, and we frankly didn't believe we needed to change such ingrained habits. Sometimes you just need a...cookie, glass of wine, bowl of cereal, cone of ice cream, bagel...fill in the blank for you. Her diet evangelism sadly fell on deaf ears.<br />
<br />
It wasn't until an integrative medicine MD from the Cleveland Clinic told me to try cutting out sugar and most carbs that I ever thought of making such a brutal transition. I was desperate after 5 years of severe POTS and debilitating Chronic Fatigue Syndrome to try something new that would improve my quality of life. I remember asking skeptically - "Have your CFS patients really gotten better doing this?" The doctor nodded and offered me a potent prescription anti-fungal and a diet change. I chose the latter, the one least likely to put me in the hospital.<br />
<br />
I won't lie; it was terribly hard at first. I had no idea what to eat, so I ate very little. After all, I had previously survived mostly on cereal and juice and macaroni and (fake) cheese. So without any experience, this new diet basically looked like a grilled chicken breast and steamed broccoli every night. Not. Very. Appealing.<br />
<br />
But the results were unreal. I suddenly had some clarity of thought. The clouds of constant dizziness began to part. I thought back to Brian and his wise mom Carol, years before I crashed and burned with POTS. I finally read the book she gave us. They had had the answers to my problems then, and I hadn't listened. But why?<br />
<br />
Now that years have gone by and people hear about my progress or see the color back in my face as I dance at my own wedding, they marvel - what has caused this? And when I say mainly my diet - when I say that sugar and gluten and grains and processed foods are doing you no favors, they smile and think it's great for me. They smile just like I smiled at Brian's mom. "She's chronically ill. She needed it," they think. They don't want to change their own diet because eating sugar feels good, because it is safe and comfortable. It helps them cope. It's easy. I know because it's how I felt and limped along for years.<br />
<br />
<b>What is the best diet?</b><br />
There are a number of "diets" out there that claim to be the one to follow. No one diet is perfect or best, but these all have the central idea of gut healing in common:<br />
<b>Paleo</b><b> </b><br />
<b>GAPS</b> (Gut and Psychology Syndrome)<b> </b><br />
<b>Whole30</b><br />
<b>SCD</b> (Specific Carbohydrate Diet)<b> </b><br />
<b>FODMAP</b>s <span class="_Tgc">(Fermentable Oligosaccharides, Disaccharides, Monosaccharides and Polyols)</span> - I had to look that one up!<br />
<br />
These options are great because you can pick the diet that fits your lifestyle best and build off of it - meaning use it as a skeleton and find what foods in that plan work for you and which ones don't. (I still don't do well with chia or quinoa, but there is nothing wrong with eating them if you can.)<br />
<br />
<b>So what if you MUST have a pancake or a muffin?</b><br />
The diets give you recipe ideas, and the people who follow them form an automatic online support community that can help you find substitutes and alternatives. Cookbooks are written about these diets that give you options for treats you crave but won't send your blood sugar soaring.<br />
<br />
My favorite baking recipes are written by:<br />
<a href="http://detoxinista.com/">Detoxinista</a><br />
<a href="http://thenourishinghome.com/cookbook/">Kelly Smith</a><br />
<a href="http://againstallgrain.com/">Danielle Walker</a><br />
<br />
Danielle recovered from severe chronic illness by changing her diet and healing her gut. She shares her grain-free recipes to help others trying to do the same.<br />
<br />
<b>What are some typical breakfast options?</b><br />
Breakfast (if I'm up that early! ha!) has been notoriously difficult
for me. I usually combine breakfast and lunch and just have eggs and <a href="http://www.applegate.com/">Applegate</a>
turkey bacon and some low-sugar fruit. I completely avoided fruit at first but
added small amounts of low-sugar fruit (berries or Granny Smith apples
with almond butter or cashew butter) back in as I was able to tolerate.<br />
<br />
Homemade cranberry relish is a great immune booster: blend organic
cranberries, orange, pineapple, and green apple in a blender or Vitamix
until chunky relish forms. As for juice, I didn't drink any at all for
years. I finally got <a href="http://www.rwknudsenfamily.com/products/just-juice/organic-just-cranberry"><i>unsweetened</i> cranberry juice</a> to make <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Great-Lakes-Unflavored-Gelatin-Kosher/dp/B0008D6WBA/ref=sr_1_2?s=grocery&ie=UTF8&qid=1456368112&sr=1-2&keywords=great+lakes+gelatin">Great Lakes Gelatin</a>, and if I dilute it, that has been ok to drink sparingly.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnSnC1LbcEzOZQQMHmMJm7-WiObrfW82iShXfHqJkqDE3wmT7ggiagBoSgDcTYy7_s4mDZEu6deOEOjeeJJix9yZf9H86nRSX7fVCuSqU5Vj83xzA-SIn4pM6OnHkP6Sh_kOxbGS78WGA/s1600/IMG_20140606_125953.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnSnC1LbcEzOZQQMHmMJm7-WiObrfW82iShXfHqJkqDE3wmT7ggiagBoSgDcTYy7_s4mDZEu6deOEOjeeJJix9yZf9H86nRSX7fVCuSqU5Vj83xzA-SIn4pM6OnHkP6Sh_kOxbGS78WGA/s200/IMG_20140606_125953.jpg" width="200" /></a>Brunch
can also be leftovers - anything from stir-fry to meatloaf. All of these make
great first meals. A breakfast scramble with butternut squash and chicken sausage is satisfying for brunch or dinner.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQgD_jZCNpOQpg97XAEAQFYlVl-fie-ONghHxrjmJx3NsuuDXzVOnrwPmnuY-Wzhg53SglkDLxaHxqC-TAi0CR7vEHMo1c5au8M6R_GIO8_l0v0R4cAGLbGP7QwemlWcgOc9lAigaO0I4/s1600/IMG_20140601_125653.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQgD_jZCNpOQpg97XAEAQFYlVl-fie-ONghHxrjmJx3NsuuDXzVOnrwPmnuY-Wzhg53SglkDLxaHxqC-TAi0CR7vEHMo1c5au8M6R_GIO8_l0v0R4cAGLbGP7QwemlWcgOc9lAigaO0I4/s200/IMG_20140601_125653.jpg" width="200" /></a>An almond flour muffin (like these I adapted from <a href="https://elanaspantry.com/ratio-rally-quick-breads-almond-flour-muffins/">Elena's Pantry</a>) will give a great start to the day with a cup of herbal tea. [To this recipe, I added a 1/4 cup coconut oil (or organic palm shortening) and 1/4 teaspoon salt with lemon zest and blueberries]<br />
<br />
Recently, I've also been enjoying <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Julian-Bakery-Coconut-Flakes-Servings/dp/B00KXDPS60">this Paleo cereal</a>
with unsweetened almond milk and some organic raisins (though raisins
are high in sugar, so I try to use them sparingly!) It is an expensive
cereal, so I found it on sale through a free trial at Thrive Market. (If you want to make your own, <a href="http://paleomg.com/pumpkin-granola/">this granola</a> tastes great as a cereal.)<br />
<br />
<b>So how much will this cost?</b><br />
Cost is an issue when eating an anti-inflammatory diet. Wild salmon is 19.99 a pound. Organic produce costs more than conventional. What if eating grass-fed meat isn't affordable?<br />
<br />
This is a valid concern. When I started eating this way, I was not able to work, so I could not pay for my food. I had to have family support to buy groceries, find recipes, and do the physical prep work with these healthy ingredients so that I could gain the strength to start doing it myself. Now that I am buying and preparing the produce and specialty foods, I can try to offer some suggestions to help with cost.<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Look at the <a href="http://www.pbs.org/wnet/need-to-know/health/the-dirty-dozen-and-clean-15-of-produce/616/">Clean 15 and Dirty Dozen</a> lists to find out which foods you should always buy organic and which ones you can compromise on.<br /> </li>
<li>Load up on local, in-season, high-fiber produce more than meat. Make the bulk of your meal vegetables, and if possible, have meatless days. The fiber from the veggies and the healthy fat used to cook them will fill you up more than you think! (Check out the cauliflower crust pizza below which can be made without meat.) </li>
<li>Buy fish like Verlasso salmon that is well raised but doesn't cost what the premium wild fish does. When you do buy the wild fish, you can buy it canned or fresh, remembering that divided up into individual servings, it breaks down to the cost of a burrito from a local chain restaurant but with powerful health benefits!</li>
<li>Avoid processed shortcut foods out of a box or jar and avoid restaurants to cut down on costs and to avoid digestive setbacks.</li>
<li>Buy a whole organic chicken (which may seem like a lot) but then after roasting, use the leftover meat in a new dish the next day, like a paleo pot pie with some celery and carrots. Or you could add the leftovers with canned tomatoes and spices to whip up some chicken tacos or enchiladas. The carcass can then be used for bone broth or soup. Once you factor all these meals in, the purchase of the chicken stretches over the week.</li>
<li>Intersperse cheaper cuts of meat like humanely raised Gerber chicken thighs.</li>
<li>Eat smaller portions of meat or use meat in stir fry so you don't have to buy as much to fill up.</li>
<li>Whenever you see a treat or specialty item, think about whether you can make your own. Buying some raw almonds and making your own almond butter is a lot less money than ordering an expensive jar.</li>
<li>Finally, realize that the investment you make in your food and your body will help you avoid costly medications and doctor visits down the road. I look at food as my medicine, and when that is my motivation, I cook more and make it a financial priority to eat well.</li>
</ul>
<br />
<b>What do anti-inflammatory dinners look like? </b><br />
I have relaxed my strict Paleo standards a bit so you will see a little (organic) rice in these pictures, but when I started, I ate the recipes without the starches entirely and doubled up on veggies. Here are some favorite meals at my house:<br />
<br />
Grass-fed hamburgers with roasted potatoes (or yam) with turmeric, salt, pepper, and garlic powder. Frozen organic broccoli.<br />
<br />
Baked spaghetti squash with browned grass-fed meat mixed with jarred
organic tomato basil sauce from the local store.<br />
<br />
Organic salad greens
from a box with sauteed chicken tenders, sliced avocado, tomato, and cucumber. Dressing mixed in a
small bowl: organic olive oil and raw apple cider vinegar with garlic
powder, Dijon mustard, Himalayan salt, and pepper. <br />
<br />
Pork or turkey tenderloin (with fresh rosemary, salt, pepper, and garlic powder) in a grill pan with frozen organic peas<br />
<br />
Wild salmon (or Verlasso) baked in parchment paper (15 minutes!) with garlic powder, lemon or lime zest/juice, salt and pepper. Baked yam and steamed zucchini.<br />
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Grass-fed meatloaf with cauliflower "mashed potatoes" and peas<br />
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Blackened cod with avocado/mango salsa and asparagus from <a href="http://www.mountainmamacooks.com/2012/03/blackened-cod-with-mango-salsa/">this recipe</a><br />
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Using the leftovers of a roasted chicken for a Paleo (almond flour biscuit) chicken pot pie with Brussels sprouts and spaghetti squash<br />
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Pork chops with caramelized onions and mushrooms, almond flour and thyme on acorn squash, and green beans<br />
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Butternut squash soup based on <a href="http://abc.go.com/shows/the-chew/recipes/curried-butternut-squash-soup-michael-symon">this recipe</a> from The Chew with kale chips and a Detoxinista <a href="http://detoxinista.com/2012/06/raspberry-chocolate-chip-muffins-grain-free/">raspberry chocolate chip muffin</a> <br />
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Chicken coconut curry based on a recipe from <a href="http://www.danielplan.com/">The Daniel Plan</a><br />
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Cauliflower-crust pizza from <a href="http://detoxinista.com/2012/01/the-secret-to-perfect-cauliflower-pizza-crust/">Detoxinista</a> (using almond flour in the crust instead of goat cheese). Don't have time to make a crust from scratch? A great gluten-free crust option is called <a href="http://www.mybreadbakery.com/pages/products">MyBread</a>.<br />
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Pork stir-fry based on <a href="http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/pork-vegetable-stir-fry-with-cashew-rice">this recipe</a> but using arrowroot powder instead of cornstarch and Tamari (gluten-free) instead of soy sauce<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiO8s8_UDv1w7ckfEipmmZTZHGBQ4BzLOvc7m4eQW546h3OBL2NFeNTxLiHbC3aIGFCIQBLS7F0XTtICA66DEJWe9xiTfPaqPy3C-xjUoIZd-XM6sRbx-ynmAQqdR6yIRZFZtL1keAMPac/s1600/IMG_20160120_185908.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiO8s8_UDv1w7ckfEipmmZTZHGBQ4BzLOvc7m4eQW546h3OBL2NFeNTxLiHbC3aIGFCIQBLS7F0XTtICA66DEJWe9xiTfPaqPy3C-xjUoIZd-XM6sRbx-ynmAQqdR6yIRZFZtL1keAMPac/s320/IMG_20160120_185908.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Tacos with grass-fed meat, sprouted organic <a href="http://www.foodforlife.com/product/tortillas/sprouted-corn-tortillas">corn tortillas*</a>, (*I have avoided corn until just recently and may continue to avoid it. This can also be put on a <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Paleo-Wraps-Gluten-Coconut-7-Count/dp/B00J9IUCHA">Paleo Wrap</a> (haven't tried yet!) or a <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Food-Life-Whole-Grain-Tortillas/dp/B004VMFRSI">rice flour tortilla</a>, or a bed of lettuce for taco salad.) Seasoning mixed by us rather than using a packet:<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhd65D4hxGgweBCHPQsuVcaJhRa3_FMV7nPUn7hujVFNAkDPkBLtiV816K0rahvNLbUY6MQfEhwhyIJK939uQYzI4dFOSXYaxcVa0W3BsYe1Mj6uv1LEuQNdSIIv_BtMgpJRNda2ftwnoE/s1600/IMG_20160121_185507.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhd65D4hxGgweBCHPQsuVcaJhRa3_FMV7nPUn7hujVFNAkDPkBLtiV816K0rahvNLbUY6MQfEhwhyIJK939uQYzI4dFOSXYaxcVa0W3BsYe1Mj6uv1LEuQNdSIIv_BtMgpJRNda2ftwnoE/s200/IMG_20160121_185507.jpg" width="200" /></a>2 Tablespoons chili powder <br />
1 teaspoon salt <br />
1 teaspoon paprika <br />
1/2 teaspoon cumin<br />
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder <br />
1/2 teaspoon onion powder<br />
1/2 teaspoon oregano<br />
1/2 teaspoon red pepper flakes<br />
2 dashes cayenne<br />
<br />
<br />
As you can see, there is a wide variety of food that will make an anti-inflammatory diet a joy rather than a burden. <br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.foodforlife.com/product/tortillas/sprouted-corn-tortillas"></a> <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhmcpn-zIeUTNr1ljRhE4BLwiPrFE0259cDdkWP2ySAc4CXuFBVd8S57gBIKEF3VlcA4KrIRW0IWYOPMh0TXUaSeQGHORlym7O69Aj_zGG5doy6CqVRq_D52n1Bb2pocTNakUfNr-WgMw/s1600/IMG_20160219_185212.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhmcpn-zIeUTNr1ljRhE4BLwiPrFE0259cDdkWP2ySAc4CXuFBVd8S57gBIKEF3VlcA4KrIRW0IWYOPMh0TXUaSeQGHORlym7O69Aj_zGG5doy6CqVRq_D52n1Bb2pocTNakUfNr-WgMw/s200/IMG_20160219_185212.jpg" width="200" /></a></div>
If I can encourage you to start making steps in the right direction, try to change one thing at a time. Opt for simple meals at first, such as baked fish with frozen organic vegetables. Or try some <a href="http://www.rebeccakatz.com/recipe-box/clean-green-soup">Green Soup</a> - parsley, swiss chard, and collard greens blended with caramelized onions, garlic, lemon, and chicken broth - an awesome dinner. All of these meals came through trial and error. I am constantly finding new recipes, reevaluating what agrees with me and what doesn't, and keep coming back to the core of bone broth, green veggies, and healthy protein and fats. Some known inflammatory foods will likely stay out of my diet forever (gluten, high sugar/processed foods like candy and cereal, conventional dairy). Some foods I have experimented with adding back in - gluten-free Udi bread, organic fingerling potatoes, and organic rice. Ultimately, I want to keep healing, and so I press on with creative ways of eating what I can while living happily without what made me ill. It's worth the cost, time, sacrifice, and energy to eat better in order to promote true healing.<br />
<br />
And if I want a sweet bite at the end of a meal, I can always turn <a href="http://us.greenandblacks.com/our-products/king-bars/dark?p=0865610041#first">here</a>. After all, a little quality chocolate can make a big difference!Qavahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12485779319233501432noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429862474070628454.post-91632809695679636642016-01-18T18:03:00.001-05:002016-03-22T13:48:39.627-04:00Healing Process Top 10I wish I could say that cutting out grains, sugar, gluten, and processed food was the one and only answer and that I was suddenly cured from all of my malaise, fatigue, aches, and stomach problems. It was not that easy.<br />
A change in my diet was certainly the most important step I took to heal (which is why it's #1 in my list). But after an immune/neurological reaction to a flu shot in 2011, I needed more help than just eating gluten-free. The following are what I would rate as the top 10 methods that I discovered to help me slowly recover and get more quality of life back.<br />
<br />
10. Improving sleep:<br />
Getting good sleep with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) is like trying to catch a fish with your bare hands. This is a chicken vs. egg issue. My sleep improved as a result of my diet and health improving, but I also took steps to improve my chances to sleep well.<br />
<ul>
<li>I try to shower or take a warm bath before bed. </li>
<li>I have to strictly avoid laptop and phone use for at least 2 hours or more before bed</li>
<li>I have blue light blocking glasses that I use to watch TV before bed (<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Uvex-S1933X-Eyewear-SCT-Orange-Anti-Fog/dp/B000USRG90/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top?ie=UTF8">cheap on Amazon</a>)</li>
<li>I keep the lights lower and use candles and yellow bulbs for late evening lighting.</li>
<li>I try to go to sleep and wake up at the same time every day.</li>
<li>I don't use an alarm unless absolutely necessary. If my body needs extra sleep (always around periods, extra stress, and viruses), then I let it do its thing.</li>
<li>Currently trying out a "brown noise" mp3 at night (lower frequency than white noise).</li>
</ul>
<br />
9. Filtered water and herbal tea:<br />
I used to rely on our fridge filter to clean our tap water. Then I learned that it only removed chlorine *odor,* not chlorine itself. That was enough for me to desire some extra filtration since chlorine in the water can hamper the intestines recovering normal bacterial balance. We use a hand-held filter from <a href="http://www.thegrayl.com/grayl-shop/">Grayl</a>. I fill with water, slowly press the filter down (bicep workout), and pour. All the water I drink and cook with daily goes through the Grayl.<br />
<br />
I drink plain water regularly throughout the day. Using this water to make organic herbal tea (no additives or flavorings) has helped my liver and digestion significantly:<br />
<ul>
<li><a href="http://www.iherb.com/Alvita-Teas-Organic-Milk-Thistle-Tea-Caffeine-Free-24-Tea-Bags-2-54-oz-72-g/55482">milk thistle</a>, liver support</li>
<li><a href="http://www.iherb.com/Yogi-Tea-Organic-Ginger-Caffeine-Free-16-Tea-Bags-1-12-oz-32-g/5474">ginger and licorice</a>, stomach/nausea aid and adrenal support</li>
<li><a href="http://www.iherb.com/Numi-Tea-Organic-Tea-Green-Rooibos-Caffeine-Free-18-Tea-Bags/28919">Numi Green Rooibos</a>, overall antioxidant benefit - increased by adding lemon juice</li>
<li><a href="http://www.iherb.com/Gaia-Herbs-Gas-Bloating-RapidRelief-Herbal-Tea-Caffeine-Free-20-Tea-Bags-1-41-oz-40-g/33745">Gaia Gas and Bloating</a> or <a href="http://shop.equalexchange.coop/tea/herbal/organic-tea-peppermint.html">peppermint</a>, gas/bloating</li>
<li><a href="http://organicindiausa.com/organic-india-original-tulsi-tea/">Tulsi</a> or <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Celebration-Herbals-Ashwagandha-Root-Bag/dp/B00EUNEMZW/ref=pd_sim_325_3?ie=UTF8&dpID=51izfYIh%2BNL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL160_SR118%2C160_&refRID=0Y89M0TBF9PCHJRHS836">ashwagandha</a> - Adaptogenic teas like these can help manage stress. They usually give me funny side effects like drowziness or being extremely wired or diarrhea. If you make it in weak tea form, you can experiment with how you may react with as little fallout as possible.</li>
</ul>
8. Natural bath and cosmetic products:<br />
If I'm being careful about what I put in my mouth, I need to be careful about what I put on my skin. Since I didn't want to absorb all the chemicals in soaps and deodorants, I gradually switched to products with ingredients that wouldn't put an added strain on my body.<br />
<br />
Some favorite brands I found:<br />
<ul>
<li><a href="http://www.earthturns.com/organic-excellence-mint-shampoo">Organic Excellence shampoo</a> and <a href="http://www.earthturns.com/organic-excellence-mint-conditioner">conditioner</a> (free shipping through EarthTurns.com)</li>
<li><a href="http://justso.co/product-category/soaps/?orderby=price">Just So soaps</a> by Andrea Fabry</li>
<li><a href="http://shop.salubritasbody.com/">Salubritas</a> deodorant (alternatively, plain coconut oil works fine in winter)</li>
<li>Recently decided to order <a href="https://meowmeowtweet.com/products/baking-soda-free-deodorant-cream">a non-baking soda deodorant from "Meow Meow Tweet"</a> to try based on rash/irritation from the high pH of baking soda. This product is incredible!</li>
<li><a href="http://www.earthturns.com/catalogsearch/result/index/?cat=0&manufacturer=114&q=ecco+bella">Ecco Bella</a> and <a href="http://www.rmsbeauty.com/pages/the-shop">RMS Beauty</a> makeup</li>
<li><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Natures-Gate-Natural-Toothpaste-Peppermint/dp/B001E722ZY">Nature's Gate toothpaste</a> </li>
<li><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Ancient-Minerals-Magnesium-Gel-Tube/dp/B001RJ7MRM">Ancient Minerals</a> magnesium lotion or gel (instead of supplements that gave me cramping and diarrhea)</li>
</ul>
<br />
7. Natural probiotics:<br />
Nothing on this list has caused me more difficulty than finding probiotics I can tolerate. I have been through tons of "probiotic phases." There was the water kefir phase, the store-bought almond yogurt and lactose-free yogurt phase, homemade almond yogurt, soy yogurt, and coconut yogurt phase, homemade dairy kefir and coconut kefir, Phillips colon health capsules, wrapping up with local fermented pickles, and grass-fed Maple Hill Creamery yogurt (dairy). I could probably create an entirely new blog about failed attempts at eating probiotics.<br />
<br />
The ones I like right now:<br />
<ul>
<li><a href="http://maplehillcreamery.com/">Maple Hill Creamery</a> yogurt requires no homemade hassle, but it is grass-fed dairy and can give me some digestive problems if I eat too much of it, especially in the winter when the diet of the cows changes. I can't promote dairy consumption unless it's fermented dairy to get probiotics. If kefir works for you, I'd recommend that over yogurt.</li>
<li>Fermented pickles offer a dairy alternative. You can make these in a mason jar or find a local company/farmer's market that offers a line of fermented foods.</li>
<li><a href="http://www.redwoodhill.com/goat-yogurt/">Redwood Hill Farm Plain Goat Yogurt</a> - Currently under trial and loving it. </li>
</ul>
<br />
6. Natural antifungals:<br />
I could not have healed without regular dosing of antifungals. Looking back, I went at the dosing too aggressively and wish I would have been more patient. However, it was a good learning experience. I initially took supplements of olive leaf and oregano oil. I still use Gaia olive leaf periodically when I get a virus which greatly reduces my symptoms. I would not ever recommend long-term use of olive leaf or oregano oil like I did. Topical use of oregano oil has recently helped heal an infection under my eye.<br />
<br />
Harmless ways to fight bacterial, parasitic, and fungal problems:<br />
<ul>
<li>Cold pressed, unprocessed organic coconut oil (I cook with this and eat it daily.)</li>
<li>Garlic (crushed raw garlic in guacamole or on gluten-free toast is incredibly effective)</li>
<li>Crushed papaya seeds (taken with honey or in a smoothie can be an effective anti-parasitic)</li>
<li>Peppermint (capsules can treat bacterial overgrowth)</li>
</ul>
Ways to be more aggressive under doctor supervision:<br />
<ul>
<li><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Gaia-Herbs-Olive-Liquid-Phyto-Capsules/dp/B0036THMX0">Olive leaf</a> extract (I relied on this completely to treat my unresolved viral symptoms)</li>
<li><a href="http://www.gaiaherbs.com/products/detail/53/Oil-Of-Oregano">Oregano oil</a> (took for a short time (a couple weeks) to take a break from olive leaf)</li>
<li><a href="http://www.amazon.com/Ortho-Molecular-Products-Candicid-capsules/dp/B000UBIG4Q">Candicid-Forte</a> (recommended by integrative health MD - no harmful effects from it)</li>
<li><a href="http://www.amazon.com/New-Chapter-Turmeric-Force-Softgels/dp/B00FBPEVBS/ref=sr_1_1?s=hpc&ie=UTF8&qid=1453153866&sr=1-1&keywords=turmeric+force">Turmeric</a> (eventually raised my liver enzymes with daily use for about a year, so obviously would not recommend long-term) </li>
</ul>
<br />
5. Soaking in detox baths:<br />
Oh the relief! I cannot imagine healing without detox baths. It would be intolerable to bear with all the symptoms as my body struggled to remove the toxins building up during treatment. When I took too much of an antifungal or overdid it on the probiotics, I got such relief from soaking in a bath of:<br />
<ul>
<li>Epsom salts</li>
<li><a href="https://www.livingclayco.com/">Bentonite clay</a></li>
</ul>
<br />
4. Whole food organic multivitamin:<br />
The number of failed attempts at finding a tolerable multivitamin approached the level of my probiotic hunt. I even took a break and decided I should juice vegetables to get vitamins instead. I had so many opened and unusable vitamin bottles at one point that I had to do a mass email to my female friends to find new homes for them. Most people can take a normal vitamin and be ok. I had strange side effects, even on the most premium brands - feeling wired, diarrhea, abnormal spotting from added herbs, and sometimes I just didn't see the point of trying anymore pills. Finally, after I'd given up, my mom found THE one.<br />
<br />
The brand that agreed with me and gave me a natural feeling of energy and well-being...<br />
<ul>
<li><a href="http://www.vitacost.com/garden-of-life-mykind-organics-womens-once-daily-multivitamin-60-vegan-tablets">Garden of Life myKind Organics, Women's Once Daily</a></li>
</ul>
<br />
3. Stretching with easy yoga and basic Tai chi/qi gong:<br />
Undoubtedly the best maintenance for my health and mood is my stretching routine. This helps clear my lymph system, increase circulation, helps me sleep, and makes me feel all-around better than any pill or supplement. I do DVDs at home that I tried first for free through the library:<br />
<ul>
<li><a href="http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/dvd-suzanne-deason-easy-yoga-ted-landon/10499737">Easy Yoga with Suzanne Deason</a> - I started with this DVD because I could lie down for most of it. <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QWfdXPQwruU">Here is a preview</a> of the first 5 minutes.</li>
<li>Discover Tai chi with Scott Cole - I prefer his <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Scott-Cole-Discover-Tai-Fitness/dp/B00B8O4VLQ/ref=pd_sim_74_3?ie=UTF8&dpID=5172Gc8%2B5EL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL160_SR113%2C160_&refRID=16DJC5AKBH6MH1FPY203">Fitness</a> and <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Scott-Cole-Discover-Gentle-Workout/dp/B001OSC4EW/ref=pd_sim_74_13?ie=UTF8&dpID=51d1xqZ3mWL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL160_SR112%2C160_&refRID=003N7WTDP6STFEWF25GF">Back Care</a> DVDs. I would recommended starting with his <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Scott-Cole-Discover-Tai-Beginners/dp/B001N4K6M4">Beginners</a> DVD to see if you like his teaching style. Special note: I could not do these Tai chi DVDs until my diet changes allowed me to stand up.</li>
</ul>
<br />
2. Gut healing with bone broth:<br />
The main point of all of this treatment is to heal the gut. For a long time, I didn't think I needed to do anything other than maintain my diet and wait for the antifungals to work. This was a big mistake. My healing really accelerated when I got on the bone broth and gelatin wagon. I had taken L-glutamine powder prior to this, and it did help the lining of my gut heal (a good start), but it was nothing compared to supplemental gelatin (<a href="http://www.iherb.com/Great-Lakes-Gelatin-Co#p=1">Great Lakes</a> brand is grass-fed - green can/hydrolysate dissolves in smoothies and red can/gelatin makes actual jello, which is what I prefer) and homemade bone broth (natural gelatin). <b>Eating grass-fed gelatin/jello daily finally gave me relief from unbearable period cramping and PMS.</b> Over time, I have gravitated toward the bone broth for my gelatin source because of its additional nutritional and healing benefits.<br />
[I have also added in a <a href="http://www.iherb.com/MegaFood-Zinc-60-Tablets/4074">whole-food zinc</a> supplement which I have read can work to heal the intestine from ulcerative colitis as well as correct deficiencies common with digestive problems like leaky gut.]<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggKXrQhLs9t5TzE9iddSa4jZv8QpVLvMSZsdUFq6_wmNUQsUTCdHJoFCBgRhDQZ5UxGavjQTLJVVdSt5haVhUp_hkLJbIe2m-vpbq2Eq2y3hlbn7NrqR-udyXEMK07rfQDpbAn9_NdGls/s1600/IMG_20160208_124704.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggKXrQhLs9t5TzE9iddSa4jZv8QpVLvMSZsdUFq6_wmNUQsUTCdHJoFCBgRhDQZ5UxGavjQTLJVVdSt5haVhUp_hkLJbIe2m-vpbq2Eq2y3hlbn7NrqR-udyXEMK07rfQDpbAn9_NdGls/s200/IMG_20160208_124704.jpg" width="200" /></a><br />
<br />
Easy bone broth recipe:<br />
<ul>
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFb52rrrJNScLOOD6YF4ayZ3KQrwy1dUf9FPCZL98yGFoStQ3DutXSsXXbkFjHwBmcJNotxkE9wyBRoH7NhZHypE1FJVoLrK3h5uwLhpgXLJZ2NllK0ZgKtTt7EbyGegAM1deFZvYbMfQ/s1600/IMG_20160208_131823.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgFb52rrrJNScLOOD6YF4ayZ3KQrwy1dUf9FPCZL98yGFoStQ3DutXSsXXbkFjHwBmcJNotxkE9wyBRoH7NhZHypE1FJVoLrK3h5uwLhpgXLJZ2NllK0ZgKtTt7EbyGegAM1deFZvYbMfQ/s200/IMG_20160208_131823.jpg" width="200" /></a>
<li>Enjoy a roasted organic "Smart Chicken" for dinner.</li>
<li>Wrap the remaining bones, fat, meat, and joints to put in the fridge.</li>
<li>The next morning, put the entire carcass and skin in a pot with 8-10 cups of filtered water.</li>
<li>In large chunks, chop up about 3-4 medium organic carrots and 3-4 stalks of organic celery.</li>
<li>Add 1 tsp salt.</li>
<li>Add 1 Tablespoon raw organic apple cider vinegar. (this extracts minerals from bones)</li>
<li>In large chunks, chop up 1 medium organic onion.</li>
<li>Peel and crush a few cloves of garlic.</li>
<li>Optional: fresh leaves of parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme </li>
</ul>
Bring to a boil, then cover and lower to a low simmer for about 7-8 hours. At night, you can strain out all the remaining bones and vegetables and pour into mason jars to store in the fridge for 3-4 days. If you want to keep it longer, you can freeze in an ice cube tray and thaw when needed. <br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3CKVSLPqKchjWEdBq6JQ4UGlx5-IxgaGZcls4nALLg2RWCCOQoZVFJk_PcQ-1mhv9jehp5rpObLDbNq_Pj5ircWCP2V18v93LpYBR1ZhUtjVPMBTBaSq6GzrENadxnbEXmswwwMtKKpY/s1600/IMG_20160208_132052.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3CKVSLPqKchjWEdBq6JQ4UGlx5-IxgaGZcls4nALLg2RWCCOQoZVFJk_PcQ-1mhv9jehp5rpObLDbNq_Pj5ircWCP2V18v93LpYBR1ZhUtjVPMBTBaSq6GzrENadxnbEXmswwwMtKKpY/s200/IMG_20160208_132052.jpg" width="200" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMeCdzGX-OSjYgkwG4VsVAw_uWlckinLUcqFPRZAzHrPOX8r_P2EmD9y4E83pAp8002-RXp5MRFhe1cqhSOB1dNSiDQ11qzmXduF-Bh5_Dsc-W-rN-8sFRhm1w_1jpJfGSp-VAj3RoaoI/s1600/IMG_20160126_112603.jpg" imageanchor="1"><img border="0" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjMeCdzGX-OSjYgkwG4VsVAw_uWlckinLUcqFPRZAzHrPOX8r_P2EmD9y4E83pAp8002-RXp5MRFhe1cqhSOB1dNSiDQ11qzmXduF-Bh5_Dsc-W-rN-8sFRhm1w_1jpJfGSp-VAj3RoaoI/s200/IMG_20160126_112603.jpg" width="200" /></a><br />
<br />
1. Complete dedication to an anti-inflammatory diet:<br />
There is a lot I can say about an anti-inflammatory diet that I have learned since the last time I wrote about diet here. I plan to make the next post entirely about how my diet changed and how I stuck with it without feeling completely deprived.<br />
<br />
The most important changes I made to my diet are:<br />
<ul>
<li><b>Cut out all added sugar</b></li>
<li><b>Cut out ALL gluten</b> </li>
<li><b>Avoid dairy</b> (other than small amounts of fermented dairy for probiotics)</li>
<li><b>Avoid grains</b> (small amounts of organic rice/rice pasta or gluten-free Udi bread are ok for me)</li>
<li><b>Avoid ALL junk processed foods</b>, additives, dyes, sugar substitutes</li>
<li>Increased healthy fats (avocado, organic olive oil, organic coconut oil, soaked organic nuts)</li>
<li>Increased organic vegetable intake </li>
<li>Increased the quality of meat when possible - grass-fed organic beef, organic poultry, wild fish</li>
</ul>
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This is a lot of information to take in. If you have any questions about my experiences, please post in the comments! Many of these lifestyle changes occurred gradually through trial and (much) error over the course of years. If you feel overwhelmed and want to make one change right away, <b>I would encourage all people with dysautonimia or autoimmune symptoms to talk with their doctor about going off gluten (all grains if possible), dairy, and sugar/processed white carbs right away and staying off of them</b>. These are not groups of food necessary for our health, and they are widely known to increase inflammation in the body, worsening whatever health issues already exist.<br />
<br />
Please be encouraged that progress can be slow but possible; it takes years to recover. Some days I felt worse when I was healing than before I started, but then I would suddenly get a burst of functioning better than I had in months, and it would help me to keep going.<br />
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Next blog will be about diet...<br />
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Qavahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12485779319233501432noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429862474070628454.post-4366464200608632672016-01-11T18:13:00.000-05:002016-01-11T18:13:03.048-05:00The Healing Process RebootI had the best of intentions.<br />
<br />
Back in August 2014, I started what I planned to be a series about my healing process. That series ..uhh...didn't really materialize. It was a combination of things. I was still experimenting with new supplements like gelatin (quite successfully). I was overwhelmed by the task of trying to accurately assemble names of brands and foods that have proved helpful. I felt inadequate to express all the information that I'd learned about gut health. Combine that with a slew of big life changes, and here I am in 2016. Ready for a reboot. My desire is to share what I've learned about my own health in order to hopefully help others.<br />
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As a health history refresher, I've always had stomach and sinus issues as far back as I can remember. Removing lactose from my diet and avoiding environmental allergens in childhood seemed to help. In high school (1995), I got a severe case of mono that required steroids. After that, I was never quite the same, and in 1998, my family discovered black toxic mold in the air of our home. We had to leave everything behind, and my health was badly damaged in the process. I was unable to get enough sleep and often could not function to go to school because of the body aches and extreme fatigue.<br />
<br />
Once I left that environment, I felt better and was able to go to college, but during the transitional housing and dorm living, I was routinely exposed to pesticides that caused severe and worsened symptoms. My mold exposure had led to multiple chemical sensitivity. With some careful planning through disability services at college and managing my living environment at home, I successfully completed my engineering degree.<br />
<br />
In graduate school, I ate poorly, was under tremendous stress with little sleep, and got sick. I took antibiotics, cold medicine, and inhalers to try to keep myself going, but instead I collapsed one morning at church in 2005. I was never able to truly function after that. I was completely disabled and stuck in bed. After meeting with a cardiologist and doing a tilt-table test, I was diagnosed with POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome) which is a type of
dysautonomia. I also suffered from chronic fatigue-like symptoms,
severe irritable bowel syndrome, severe circadian rhythm disorder called
"non-24," and ongoing multiple chemical sensitivities (along with asthma and
allergies).<br />
<br />
From 2005 - 2010, I attempted to manage my symptoms based on western medicine. I drank Gatorade, ate pretzels and salty foods. I wore compression stockings. I took Florinef and a beta blocker which worsened my constant dizziness. I had a horrible experience trying birth control to suppress my awful, painful periods. Nothing worked. I only felt miserable. I couldn't sit up for meals many times. Forcing myself to walk or exercise just left me exhausted and needing to recover for days. I was incredibly discouraged and felt my life slipping away. I was often awake at night and slept during the day. After hoping and training for a career in medical research, I was now stuck at home, watching TV, and when I had enough mental energy, trying to figure out what had gone wrong with my body and how to fix it.<br />
<br />
My turning point came in 2010. I looked online to see who treated chronic fatigue syndrome, and I found an integrative health MD who did just that. My first meetings with her were not what I had anticipated. She kept wanting to focus on my intestines and suggested using a pretty potent anti-fungal medication. I didn't understand this because my symptoms were cardiac and neurological. I agreed to try the least risky of her treatment suggestions, an extreme change in diet. I temporarily cut out all sources of simple and complex carbohydrates (grains), processed food, and sugar. No desserts, juice, cereal, pasta, popcorn, bread, or any of those comfort foods I clung to like life preservers.<br />
<br />
And an amazing thing happened. After a couple weeks, my dizziness stopped. Chronic, unrelenting, disabling, 24/7 dizziness was suddenly no longer dominating my life. I was in shock. The extreme diet change of lean meat and vegetables had opened my eyes, and although it was not sustainable due to weight loss and nutritional needs, I was on a new mission. I was going to figure out exactly what this connection was between diet and POTS.<br />
<br />
~.~.~<br />
<br />
I'm not sure exactly how I will do these new posts, but I have a lot more confidence looking back now. I've come much further in my healing. I have a good grasp on what works for me and what doesn't. I've narrowed down my remedies to simpler and easier fixes. I've experienced the gradual renewal of patiently practicing these remedies over years. <br />
<br />
<br />Qavahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12485779319233501432noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429862474070628454.post-90716180234283995252015-10-30T18:40:00.000-04:002015-10-30T18:59:09.433-04:00A Dystopian TangoA few weeks ago, I was watching Dancing with the Stars for switch-up week. A contestant named Alexa had blanked on part of her performance the week before, suffering a dip in scores, and she felt discouraged when her partner Mark kept telling her she might be eliminated. But she got a new partner (Derek) for the switch-up, who told her she could overcome her fears. She believed him, and with his help, scored the first perfect straight 10s of the season.<br />
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This kind of thing happens often over the seasons of the show. Some troubling event will spark a contestant to fight back and perform beyond what they dreamed possible. What made this particular dance so meaningful to me? Why did I watch it at breakfast the next day with tears in my eyes?<br />
<br />
I asked myself those questions as I kept replaying the song in my head. The lyrics of Pompeii by Bastille go like this:<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<div>
I was left to my own devices<br />
Many days fell away with nothing to show</div>
<div>
And the walls kept tumbling down<br />
In the city that we love<br />
Great clouds roll over the hills<br />
Bringing darkness from above</div>
<div>
But if you close your eyes,<br />
Does it almost feel like<br />
Nothing changed at all?<br />
And if you close your eyes,<br />
Does it almost feel like<br />
You've been here before?<br />
How am I gonna be an optimist about this?<br />
How am I gonna be an optimist about this? </div>
</blockquote>
<br />
Even from the first 2 lines of the song, I felt it echo words I've used for years to describe chronic illness - the long days on the couch or in bed, the helplessness and the powerlessness, the failed attempts to soothe my aching soul with things of this world. And the walls of my family that kept tumbling down as my grandma slowly deteriorated, as my dad fell away, as the process of waiting for God to miraculously fix our trauma caused my hope to grow dim.<br />
<br />
But this is where the lyrics and the dance came together to move me to to tears. As I watched Derek move Alexa around the dance floor, I thought of all the times I "closed my eyes" - either in despair, or exhaustion, or prayer - and it was another step in my complex dance with Jesus. As I'm watching Alexa hanging on, Derek calling out where to go, guiding her as she's thrown down, lifted back up, I'm thinking, through all of this pain, God has never changed. He's the same gracious, merciful God, slow to anger, abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness. And although I have not yet received that "miracle moment" I hoped for, we have moved far beyond the "baby-faith" I had when this began. He moves; I hang on. He moves; we separate and return. We move together.<br />
<br />
As the dance ends and a few other dancers embrace and circle around them, it mirrored the very thing that had happened to me. A handful of understanding and compassionate people came around to walk with me as I stepped forward.<br />
<br />
So I smiled through the tears of knowing an aching joy, that Jesus has been leading me through a broken city that I loved, great clouds rolling over, and me thinking, "how am I going to be an optimist about this?" in so many terrible circumstances. And I realized how far I have come to be married, to be healing, to be coming out of a long, dark, and lonely place with my love for Christ having been battered and thrown and tested at every stage.<br />
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Just like Alexa heard the message that she might be eliminated, I too battle the fear that I don't measure up, that I should freeze and not try to move forward because I might fail or it might hurt too much. But when I recently read in the Bible about Nehemiah's struggle to rebuild (coincidentally) the "walls of the city that he loved," I recognized how intricately the work of evil is tied up in fear. <i>Fear is the tool of evil</i>, like a hot poker, trying to imobilize me, trying to make me back down from what I'm building for God.<br />
<br />
But fear has no ultimate power over someone who loves Jesus. Can things we fear happen? Yes. The walls can come down. People can block our progress. We can get sick and even die. But with Jesus leading us through, we will finish well. Don't give up whatever justice you are fighting for. Don't give in and sit down and give up because of fear. <br />
<br />
As Vaneetha Rendall says in <a href="http://www.desiringgod.org/articles/the-loneliness-of-suffering">The Loneliness of Suffering</a>:<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span data-reactid=".12.1:5.1:$comment836391313148721_836502623137590/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.2"><span data-ft="{"tn":"K"}" data-reactid=".12.1:5.1:$comment836391313148721_836502623137590/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.2.$comment-body"><span class="UFICommentBody" data-reactid=".12.1:5.1:$comment836391313148721_836502623137590/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.2.$comment-body.0"><span data-reactid=".12.1:5.1:$comment836391313148721_836502623137590/=10.0.$right.0.$left.0.0.2.$comment-body.0.$end/=1$text0/=010">Read the Bible even when it feels like eating cardboard. And pray even when it feels like talking to a wall.</span></span></span></span></blockquote>
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Continue to dance with Jesus, even if you need to just collapse into his strong grip and let him carry you forward.<br />
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"<i>Greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world</i>."<br />
1 John 4:4Qavahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12485779319233501432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429862474070628454.post-79164667374024316192015-07-24T16:44:00.000-04:002015-07-24T16:44:10.635-04:00The WoundYears ago, while pet sitting for a friend, I received a nasty dog bite. I still have a faint scar in between my middle and ring finger where the tooth sunk in, deep. I ran water over it right away to rinse the area, and at the ER, they had me soak it and bandaged me up, sending me home with an antibiotic.<br />
<br />
However, when I followed up with my doctor, she unwrapped the gauze to reveal an ominously swollen, pink hand, knuckles lost in the rapidly advancing infection.<br />
<br />
In spite of the fact that the sides of the skin had come together, there was still bacteria deep down inside, causing pain, pressure and growing rapidly. The surface appeared to heal, but I still had to address the deep wound.<br />
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As I've progressed in my physical healing journey through slow, deliberate diet and lifestyle changes over several years, I have gained new ground. Now I can go out to do multiple errands. I can plan a wedding. I can attend special events. Rejoining society in this way is complicated. I have been through deep, lingering darkness that made me rethink where I derive my worth, purpose, and identity, suffering that exposed my utter inadequacies and left me completely, excruciatingly dependent. I've also experienced rejection and isolation, loss of relationships so dear that I felt the grief of gradual death, though the people I mourned lived on.<br />
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So last Thursday, as I drove along the highway to the salon, the sunshine streaming in, the radio cheerily celebrating my new level of functioning and stamina, I felt in that moment as if I'd suddenly resurfaced where my head went underwater 10 years ago. It's as if nothing has changed on that same route I used to drive to college, and yet, everything has changed.<br />
<br />
Though I appear no different, I'm not the same person I was before the fainting and the chronic dizziness, before the caregiving and the loss of my job, home, safety, grandparents, and father. But all that life experience is now trapped like an infection in a wound I don't know how to heal. The two sides of skin look the same and have come together on the surface, but the puncture of this last decade has profoundly altered who I am.<br />
<br />
I write not with any answers or insight, not with any scripture or prayer. I write simply as an expression of how I'm processing these changes taking place, and the ambiguous path of living with one foot in the sick world and one foot back in shopping malls, restaurants, social chit-chat, and grocery stores.<br />
<br />
Who am I now that I've been out of the workforce for so long? Where is my place? What is my purpose with some new energy? When I marry, what will this new life look like? How will I continue to help my mom as she struggles with ongoing problems?<br />
<br />
I don't have the answers, so I keep looking to God with a dim, fragile hope that he will restore and redeem what I still cannot fix.<br />
<br />
In Daniel 11, a detailed vision about the future presents many kings that rise and fall, leading to the end of days. Reading it is like reading a soap opera of characters that all try to exert their will and power to obtain something of meaning in this life. I scanned it with lazy eyes and reluctantly studied the scholarly notes attached.<br />
<br />
In the small print, I found a kernel of encouragement for this time of confusion:<br />
"Pious Jews would readily fall into bewilderment: how do these circumstances display God's concern for his people, and how will God ever use his now-insignificant people to bring blessing to the whole world? The vision is therefore reassurance for the faithful."<br />
<br />
There is a way forward with the promises of God. Elsewhere in Daniel, I see that it's possible to get thrown into a fiery trial and come out not smelling of smoke. It's also possible to get thrown into a fiery trial and pass away. Regardless of what comes to pass here on earth, we have a God who knows the end from the beginning, and he, more than anyone, knows both the pain and the redemptive nature of deep wounds and scars.<br />
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<br />Qavahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12485779319233501432noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429862474070628454.post-88135855825256363062015-04-03T15:55:00.000-04:002015-04-03T16:09:03.556-04:00A Friday that didn't seem "Good."During the month of April, I'm reading Rachel Lundy's new 30-day devotional called "<a href="http://www.cranberryteatime.com/2015/03/hopefortheharddays.html">Hope for the Hard Days</a>." (Click on the link and download it for free!)<br />
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Today is day 3, and the topic is about hope. Rachel is familiar with chronic illness and expressed the difference between "hope" that is a wish for better physical days and biblical hope in God that is certain to provide both spiritual growth on earth and an eternity of health and joy.<br />
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I thought about how it's my everyday circumstances that really challenge my faith. I see and experience injustice that goes on and on. Even when I feel like God could or should intervene, he just doesn't, and I don't know why. I wish for my situation to change, and in some ways, it has improved greatly. But there is still the root of betrayal and persecution that has left a gaping, painful void of grief in my life. This pain reverberates and affects everything I plan and do. How do I maintain my hope when God doesn't act in the way and in the timing I wish?<br />
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To be honest, it has been brutally hard. I have struggled with limited energy and motivation to study God's word, and I have days when my Bible remains closed. I have pushed forward with bursts of prayer but then slacken when I feel as if nothing I say matters or is getting through. Today, I had some quiet time to read through Habakkuk. It's only 3 chapters, but it contains some of the most powerful questions and answers in scripture when it comes to why God appears silent.<br />
<br />
Habakkuk questions where God is, why he permits arrogant, evil people to destroy his own people, and why God allows this injustice to keep going.<br />
<br />
By the end of the book, God has promised that if Habakkuk will wait, he will see the incredible plan of justice and mercy God is going to unfold. Habakkuk says: "I will quietly wait for the day of trouble to come upon people who invade us." God will indeed act.<br />
<br />
Habakkuk looked back and saw God's pattern in history - of vindicating those who trust in him. "The righteous shall live by his faith," God encouraged him. If we maintain our sure hope in who God is, if we look at what he created, if we look back at his character and the cords of his plan woven through history, we can trust he is at work in our own lives in the same way.<br />
<br />
Good Friday is the best time to remember that our hope is in a living God, not circumstantial highs or lows. Jesus, perfect in all respects, was falsely accused, condemned, beaten, and hung on a cross as a completely innocent man. When he died, circumstances told his followers and friends that there was no hope. Death was the final word in human thinking. But God's plan required waiting until Sunday.<br />
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Often I feel the weight of living in that Friday state of grief - watching injustice happen, seeing wrong judgments made, being powerless, wondering where God is. But the knowledge that God resurrected Christ from the dead gives me the boldness to hope in something more than what I see or experience. It gives me certain hope in God himself.<br />
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If you are living in Friday grief, remember that Sunday is coming and don't lose hope. He is the God of all comfort. We can trust in him.<br />
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<span style="color: purple;"><i>Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines,</i></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><i>Though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food,</i></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><i>Though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls,</i></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: purple;"><i>Yet I will rejoice in the LORD,</i></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><i>I will be joyful in God my Savior.</i></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><i>The Sovereign LORD is my strength;</i></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><i>he makes my feet like the feet of a deer;</i></span><br />
<span style="color: purple;"><i>he enables me to go on the heights.</i></span><br />
<i><span style="color: purple;">Habakkuk 3:17-19</span></i>Qavahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12485779319233501432noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429862474070628454.post-30985755422250040322015-01-22T16:40:00.000-05:002015-01-22T16:40:14.869-05:00The Glory of GodSometimes I get so caught up in my own little world, my own pain, my own questions and doubts and fears that I lose sight that God is ruler over all the earth. When he stretches beauty like a canvas across the cold January sky, I look up and remember who created me, who stretched out the heavens, who is really in charge, and my heart can rest for that moment in wonder.<br />
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"Holy,<br />
Holy,<br />
Holy is the LORD of hosts.<br />
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The whole earth is full of his glory!"<br />
Isaiah 6:3 <br />
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<br />Qavahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12485779319233501432noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429862474070628454.post-68906746453502241652014-11-22T01:18:00.000-05:002014-11-22T01:18:13.317-05:00Not Home YetEver feel like you don't belong? Feel like having faith is sometimes just too hard? I have been tempted to give up on faith, and in fact, I had drifted away from God when a study on Hebrews started at my church this fall.<br />
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I made excuses. I said I was tired of filling in the blanks on workbooks. I said I was behind in my personal Bible reading. I said I didn't want one more commitment, one more semester of homework that seemed like school. But the first lesson, the first verse of Hebrews 2 called me back. Like a boat that had pulled out into the current, I suddenly felt the tug of the rope back to my anchor.<br />
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<span class="text Heb-2-1">"<i>Therefore we must pay much closer attention to what we have heard, lest we drift away from it.</i>"</span><br />
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<span class="text Heb-2-1">And that's when my study began to be more than filling in spaces on a worksheet. It became personal. Jesus was at the center of this book written to the Hebrew Christians about Old Testament history, and the call to hold fast and persevere while under pressure was unmistakable.</span><br />
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<span class="text Heb-2-1">How will you remain encouraged when all hope seems dim? How will you keep believing when God doesn't answer your prayers for years? </span><br />
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<span class="text Heb-2-1">Remember you are a stranger in this world. There is something better coming. We get glimpses of heaven here. When your spirit gasps in awe at beauty, love, exquisite detail, and delight, for that split second, remember the power of God which overcame death in Jesus. He swallowed up death forever and will wipe every tear when we reach our rest. We wait for him, and he is our very great reward.</span><br />
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<i><span class="text Heb-11-13" id="en-ESV-30169">These all died in faith, not having received the things promised, but having seen them and greeted them from afar, and having acknowledged that <b>they were strangers and exiles on the earth</b>.</span> <span class="text Heb-11-14" id="en-ESV-30170">For people who speak thus make it clear that they are seeking a homeland.</span><span class="text Heb-11-15" id="en-ESV-30171"><sup class="versenum"> </sup>If they had been thinking of that land from which they had gone out, they would have had opportunity to return.</span> <span class="text Heb-11-16" id="en-ESV-30172">But as it is, <b>they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one</b>. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared for them a city.</span></i><br />
<span class="text Heb-11-16" id="en-ESV-30172">Hebrews 11:13-16 </span><i><span class="text Heb-11-16" id="en-ESV-30172"><br /></span></i><br />
Qavahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12485779319233501432noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429862474070628454.post-44707469092527994302014-10-24T03:44:00.000-04:002014-10-24T03:44:22.153-04:00The Healing Process (Step 1: Avoiding Triggers)If I go back to the root of my health problems - the aching muscles, the incapacitating fatigue, the brain fog all started with toxic black mold. You couldn't see it. The water damage was hidden in the walls of my childhood home, but when the air was professionally tested, the results meant we had to leave everything. It was too dangerous for us to keep living there, breathing there, too dangerous to keep our possessions. I walked out, not realizing it was for the last time, holding only a trash bag of clothes.<br />
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My symptoms improved when I lived with a friend, but the damage to my body had been done. When I attempted to return to my summer office job, I began to appreciate that air quality would be something I'd be conscious of for a long time to come. Though I'd previously worked there without issue, I found that I now couldn't think straight during my shift, couldn't remember short-term details, couldn't concentrate or multitask in that office. With tears and embarrassment, I had to ask for a transfer, demoting myself to manual labor.<br />
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My first semester of college, I faced repeated pesticide spray applications to all the buildings and dorms. Like one of the bugs, I became so ill that I was ultimately driven away from that school for good. On medical leave, I transferred to a college that would work with my disability, but it was not easy avoiding multiple buildings with serious air-quality problems, especially when one of them housed the department of my major.<br />
<br />
Avoiding environmental triggers has become a lifestyle for me. It's an awareness I take for granted because of 16 years of experiencing reactions and learning what "innocuous" products can set off a negative response of neurological, gastrointestinal, and/or flu-like symptoms. Something as simple as a neighbor's lawn being sprayed for weeds can have a serious effect on me.<br />
<br />
With the discovery of intestinal permeability, I have also come to understand why these environmental triggers overload an already overly stressed body. When the liver and the kidneys and the immune system are already working hard, fighting a war within, the added insult of chemical exposure from without can be the tipping point between functioning and being incapacitated.<br />
<br />
Before healing can begin, it is often vital that environmental triggers be identified and avoided.<br />
<br />
<u><b>Triggers I try to avoid</b></u>:<br />
<ul>
<li><b>mold/water damage</b> - <a href="http://it-takes-time.com/mold-microbes/toxic-mold-basics">A Beginner's Guide to Toxic Mold</a></li>
<li><b>pesticides</b> - alternative: <a href="http://www.rescue.com/product/why-spray-wasp-hornet-and-yellowjacket-nests">WHY Spray</a> or <a href="http://www.momsaware.org/pesticide-natural-alternatives/166-bug-busting-bonanza.html">homemade MomsAWARE recipes</a></li>
<li><b>herbicides</b> - alternative: <a href="http://www.momsaware.org/pesticide-natural-alternatives/156-natural-lawn-care.html">Natural Lawn Care</a></li>
<li><b>bug spray</b> - alternative: <a href="http://www.badgerbalm.com/p-21-natural-mosquito-repellent-anti-bug-balm.aspx">Badger Anti-Bug Balm</a></li>
<li><b>scented candles</b> - alternative: <a href="http://www.greenamerica.org/livinggreen/candles.cfm">soy or beeswax based candles</a></li>
<li><b>perfumes</b> - alternative: chemical free options exist, but consider going without</li>
<li><b>air fresheners</b> - alternative: <a href="http://justso.co/product-category/herbal-sachets/">Herbal Sachet</a> or essential oils</li>
<li><b>scented laundry soap</b> - alternative: <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Tide-Free-Gentle-Perfumes-50-Ounce/dp/B00199IHP6">Tide Free and Gentle</a> or <a href="http://it-takes-time.com/2014/06/diy-liquid-laundry-soap.html">Make your own!</a></li>
<li><b>commercial hand/body soaps</b> - alternative: <a href="http://justso.co/product-category/soaps/">Just So Soaps</a></li>
<li><b>Teflon pans</b> - <a href="http://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/store/product/orgreenic-kitchenware-ceramic-fry-pans/204652">Orgreenic</a>, stainless steel, cast iron </li>
<li><b>plastic food storage</b> - <a href="http://www.bedbathandbeyond.com/store/product/pyrex-reg-storage-plus-20-piece-container-set-with-color-lids/1040704821?Keyword=pyrex+storage">Pyrex</a><br /> </li>
<li><b>antibiotics</b> - alternative: <a href="http://www.gaiaherbs.com/products/detail/55/Olive-Leaf-">Olive Leaf</a> or <a href="http://www.gaiaherbs.com/products/detail/53/Oil-Of-Oregano-">Oil of Oregano</a> (only under doctor supervision)</li>
<li><b>birth control pills</b> - alternative (<a href="http://thekitchenrag.com/2014/07/pms.html">period relief</a>): <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Great-Lakes-Unflavored-Gelatin-Kosher/dp/B0008D6WBA/ref=sr_1_2?s=grocery&ie=UTF8&qid=1413000379&sr=1-2&keywords=great+lakes+gelatin">gelatin</a>, diet changes (under doctor supervision)</li>
<li><b>steroids</b> - alternative (nasal): <a href="http://www.iherb.com/Seagate-Olive-Leaf-Nasal-Spray-1-fl-oz-30-ml/16766">Seagate Nasal Spray</a> (only under doctor supervision)</li>
<li><b>NSAIDs</b> - alternative: <a href="http://www.iherb.com/New-Chapter-Turmeric-Force-60-Softgels/75#p=1&oos=1&disc=0&lc=en-US&w=force%20turmeric&rc=24&sr=null&ic=3">New Chapter Turmeric Force</a> (only under doctor supervision)</li>
</ul>
This list is just a sample. Things like car exhaust, cigarette smoke, the detergent aisle at the store, gasoline at the pump, new paint, varnishes, new carpet, and new cars are all in this category.<br />
<br />
Take a look at the ingredients in the personal products you buy. Do you want to absorb those ingredients through your skin? Please read what is burning in your candles. Do you want it in your lungs? Test your house for mold if you sense any damp or musty smells, see brown stains in the ceiling, or have a history of water damage. Check out your work environment if you are employed. Do you feel better when you are away for a few days? Is your time spent in a basement? Do your eyes burn? Do your lungs feel tight? Do your ears crackle? Does your face feel hot after leaving? Do you feel kind of "spaced out" but can't figure out why? Think of mold. Think of pesticides. Ask questions.<br />
<br />
The bottom part of that list, medications like antibiotics, birth control pills, steroids, and NSAIDs are all common causes of worsening intestinal permeability. I've been prescribed all of these. If you have taken them and suffer chronic illness, read about how your intestines may have been affected.<br />
<br />
The main message here is that avoidance is possible and necessary for recovery. Can I avoid all of these things perfectly? No, but I'm continually trying to educate myself and find alternatives. The process of healing chronic illness is not one dramatic change. It is a series of small choices that add up. Avoiding harmful triggers is one of the best things you can do for your body to begin the healing process.Qavahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12485779319233501432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429862474070628454.post-57320980901872040102014-08-07T19:03:00.001-04:002018-01-12T15:46:51.525-05:00The Healing ProcessI've been pretty tight-lipped about my health on here during the last couple years because I've been on a constantly evolving treatment plan with no real promises and an uncertain end. <br />
<br />
Prior to 2011, I was disabled for about 6 years with what doctors categorized as "collections of symptoms" - POTS, IBS, multiple chemical sensitivity, and chronic fatigue syndrome. No one could tell me what was really causing all of this or how to fix it. Prescriptions were written for some of my symptoms. I tried a beta blocker, fludrocortisone, birth control pills, melatonin, midodrine, but I was so sensitive to the drugs that I often ended up with severe side effects and not much improvement. The coping methods of salt, fluids, exercise, and compression hose were detailed in my 2011 series of "Living Better with Dysautonomia."<br />
<br />
But ultimately, I desired something more than living better with my symptoms. I wanted to heal. So several years ago, I sought out an integrative medicine doctor. She explained to me that my symptoms were caused by damage to my digestive system resulting in intestinal permeability, or in plain terms a "<a href="http://altmedicine.about.com/od/healthconditionsdisease/a/TestLeakyGut.htm" target="_blank">leaky gut</a>."<br />
<br />
Over 2 years ago, I committed to a long journey of trying to heal my leaky gut naturally. I'm not completely cured, but the change in my level of functioning has been nothing short of remarkable. I sometimes stop in the middle of an activity and am struck by the wonder that I am standing without needing to sit, or that I can cook a meal and then clean up the kitchen.<br />
<br />
For the next few posts, I plan to write a series about some natural supplements, products, gentle exercises, and diet changes that have helped me the most. <b>I am not a doctor, and I am emphatic that I am not giving anyone medical advice.</b> However, I will share in general what has helped me personally. My intent for this series is to share hope for healing leaky gut, along with potentially helpful ideas to discuss with your doctor.<br />
<br />
Here is a preview of what I intend to cover in future posts: <br />
<br />
<u><b>Triggers I try to avoid</b></u>:<br />
<ul>
<li>mold/water damage</li>
<li>pesticides </li>
<li>herbicides</li>
<li>bug spray</li>
<li>scented candles</li>
<li>perfumes</li>
<li>air fresheners</li>
<li>scented laundry soap</li>
<li>commercial hand/body soaps</li>
<li>antibiotics</li>
<li>birth control pills</li>
<li>steroids</li>
<li>NSAIDs</li>
</ul>
<br />
<u><b>Products I've added:</b></u><br />
<ul>
<li>all-natural: soap, shampoo, deodorant, lotion, toothpaste, makeup, dish soap, hand soap</li>
<li>non-toxic cleaning products</li>
</ul>
<br />
<u><b>Foods I try to avoid:</b></u><br />
<ul>
<li>SUGAR! </li>
<li>gluten </li>
<li>dairy/lactose</li>
<li>peanuts</li>
<li>soy</li>
<li>corn</li>
<li>processed foods</li>
<li>non-organic produce, especially "<a href="http://www.pbs.org/wnet/need-to-know/health/the-dirty-dozen-and-clean-15-of-produce/616/">the dirty dozen</a>" </li>
<li>refined white flour</li>
<li>sweet drinks like soda, fruit juice, sweet tea</li>
<li>alcohol</li>
<li>caffeine/coffee</li>
<li>chemical additives and dyes</li>
<li>artificial sugar substitutes </li>
</ul>
<br />
<u><b>Foods I've added:</b></u><br />
<ul>
<li>organic vegetables (especially green ones)</li>
<li>vegetable juice/lemon and lime juice</li>
<li>extra virgin cold-pressed organic coconut oil </li>
<li>extra virgin cold-pressed olive oil</li>
<li>organic coconut milk</li>
<li>unsweetened almond milk</li>
<li>avocados</li>
<li>ginger</li>
<li>garlic </li>
<li>fresh herbs</li>
<li>wild-caught fish</li>
<li>organic eggs </li>
<li>grass-fed beef </li>
<li>organic turkey and chicken with broth</li>
<li>almond, walnut, or cashew nut butters</li>
<li>milk thistle tea, ginger/licorice tea, green Rooibos tea </li>
<li>almond and coconut flour </li>
<li>iodized salt</li>
<li>raw honey</li>
</ul>
<br />
<u><b>Supplements that have helped:</b></u><br />
<ul>
<li>olive leaf (extract, ear drops, and nasal spray)</li>
<li>oil of oregano</li>
<li>l-glutamine powder</li>
<li>digestive enzymes </li>
<li>probiotics</li>
<li>gelatin (still testing)</li>
<li>calcium+vitamin D</li>
<li>B-vitamins</li>
<li>vitamin C </li>
<li>whole food multivitamin </li>
</ul>
<br />
<u><b>Stress-reducing techniques:</b></u><br />
<ul>
<li>Bentonite clay baths </li>
<li>Epsom salt baths</li>
<li>magnesium gel</li>
<li>vitamin C lotion </li>
<li>Tai chi/qigong</li>
<li>yoga</li>
</ul>
<br />
Through all of this trial and error over the last 2.5 years, I've had some miserable failures too. I've found that certain products that helped others remarkably actually made me much worse. I've learned that certain foods I thought I could tolerate (quinoa!) actually seemed to irritate my gut. I'm still learning what works and what doesn't, so I don't consider this a comprehensive or final list. If you're particularly interested in something, please post questions or personal experiences in the comments. Additionally, please comment if you have tried something not listed that has helped you. I am always reading, researching, and looking for new ideas in my own healing process. <br />
<br />
<br />
"He realized immediately that his power to speak on behalf of God to others in the midst of their unpleasant lives depended on his speaking from the midst of his own unpleasantness."<br />
- Larry CrabbQavahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12485779319233501432noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429862474070628454.post-63524693290683982722014-05-11T16:55:00.000-04:002014-05-11T16:55:31.709-04:00The Three"He did not attain to the three."<br />
<br />
When I read this in the Bible the other day, it made me question how a famous, mighty, loyal warrior of David's army, would not be in an elite group of fighters called "the three." When I read it again about another mighty man of King David, the head of his bodyguard, it called my attention back to the same thought. Who are the three? Why are they set apart? I had to go back and read the names again since they were so obscure:<br />
<br />
Josheb<br />
Eleazar (not the priest from Moses' day)<br />
Shammah<br />
<br />
Do you remember them? I don't.<br />
<br />
But what they did in their time was so remarkable that they were honored far above those who had slain lions, commanded the best, and fought off enemies in the name of God.<br />
<br />
There are only a few lines in 2 Samuel 23 telling about each one, but when I read them, it encourages me in the midst of battles of my own to strive to be like them. <br />
<br />
<b>Josheb</b>: "<span class="text 2Sam-23-8">He wielded his spear<sup> </sup>against eight hundred whom he killed at one time."</span><br />
<br />
<span class="text 2Sam-23-8">For Josheb, what made him stand out was the sheer number of enemies he faced and overcame by his God-given strength. Have you ever been faced with multiple trials at one time? Or been tempted to give up? Have you felt anxiety, depression, hopelessness and fear all at once?</span><br />
<span class="text 2Sam-23-8"><br /></span>
<span class="text 2Sam-23-8"><b>Eleazar</b>: "</span><span class="text 2Sam-23-10" id="en-ESV-8664">He rose and struck down the Philistines until his hand was weary, and his hand clung to the sword."</span><br />
<br />
<span class="text 2Sam-23-10" id="en-ESV-8664">His achievement was fighting through extreme weariness and exhaustion. He was so committed to persevere that the cost to his hand didn't matter. Have you ever been so tired of trying to do the right thing and getting bad results that you didn't think it was worth it anymore? Ever felt like you couldn't physically move or that you emotionally had nothing left to give? Did you give anyway to someone you love despite what it cost you?</span><br />
<br />
<span class="text 2Sam-23-10" id="en-ESV-8664"><b>Shammah</b> is my favorite. "</span><span class="text 2Sam-23-11" id="en-ESV-8665">The Philistines gathered
together at Lehi, where there was a plot of ground full of lentils, and
<i>the men fled from the Philistines</i>.</span> <span class="text 2Sam-23-12" id="en-ESV-8666"><u><i>But he took his stand</i></u> in the midst of the plot and defended it and struck down the Philistines, and the <span class="small-caps" style="font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span> worked a great victory.</span><br />
<br />
<span class="text 2Sam-23-12" id="en-ESV-8666">When all other warriors ran away in fear, it was Shammah who took his stand. But it's not Shammah who worked the victory. It was the Lord. Have you ever lost a relationship in your life simply because the person pulled away when you were in trouble? Or have you been someone who has tried to flee from a hard situation in fear? I've been both.</span><br />
<br />
<span class="text 2Sam-23-12" id="en-ESV-8666">I think those of us who suffer chronic illness, repeated setbacks, monumental situational and circumstantial challenges can relate to being bombarded by adversity, fighting beyond when we are weary, and having others flee from us when times turn tough. When I look at David's mighty men, I see great sacrifice and bravery, but when I look at "the three," I see an exceptional devotion to serving God that inspires me and encourages me to keep going.</span><br />
<br />
<span class="text 2Sam-23-12" id="en-ESV-8666">In the New Testament, when talking about spiritual warfare in <a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=ephesians+6%3A10-20&version=NIV" target="_blank">Ephesians 6</a>, Paul encourages us to "stand" 4 times in only four verses. He also stresses the vast number of powerful enemies we face, as well as the need for perseverance. </span><br />
<br />
<span class="text 2Sam-23-12" id="en-ESV-8666">Our armor as Christians consists of truth (belt), receiving total right-standing with God through Christ's removal of condemnation (breastplate), </span><span class="text 2Sam-23-12" id="en-ESV-8666"><span class="text 2Sam-23-12" id="en-ESV-8666">believing the gospel message (shoes), </span>possessing faith that can deflect and disable false ideas (shield), our sure hope of being destined for heaven (helmet), and the word of God (sword). </span><br />
<br />
<span class="text 2Sam-23-12" id="en-ESV-8666">This armor and these three mighty men give us a physical example of a spiritual reality. It's God who accomplishes the victory, but we as servants need to arm ourselves and fight against temptation. Temptation during illness is often subtle - to try to fill my own aching needs apart from God, to turn angry at repeated disappointments and reject his plan for my life, to test God by setting conditions on my obedience or a timetable on his deliverance, or expectations on his ways of love.</span><br />
<br />
<span class="text 2Sam-23-12" id="en-ESV-8666">So, as followers of Jesus, let's fight against the many temptations that come against us in this world, regardless of how big they seem to be or how small we feel.</span><br />
<br />
<span class="text 2Sam-23-12" id="en-ESV-8666">Let's persevere when we're weary and not give up when we feel depleted.</span><br />
<br />
<span class="text 2Sam-23-12" id="en-ESV-8666">And above all, let's stand our ground when we know the truth, even when others flee from us because the situation is uncomfortable. When we have stood our ground, in the end we'll see it was the Lord who worked a great victory through us.</span><br />
<br />
<br />
<i><span class="text Eph-6-10">Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.</span> <span class="text Eph-6-11" id="en-NIV-29349">Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your <b>stand</b> against the devil’s schemes.</span> <span class="text Eph-6-12" id="en-NIV-29350">For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.</span> <span class="text Eph-6-13" id="en-NIV-29351">Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to <b>stand</b> your ground, and after you have done everything, to <b>stand</b>.</span></i><br />
<span class="text 2Sam-23-10" id="en-ESV-8664"><span class="text Eph-6-14" id="en-ESV-29335">Ephesians 6:10-13</span></span>Qavahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12485779319233501432noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429862474070628454.post-36184017973930823902014-05-10T16:44:00.000-04:002014-05-10T16:45:38.166-04:00Update<span style="color: black; font-family: arial; font-size: small;">I have been
blogging less mainly because I've not had much to say. I'm struggling
with my own doubts and fears some days. Other days I am giving thanks
for physical improvements while hoping for circumstantial improvements
that just don't seem to come. My family is going through an
exceptionally difficult season right now, so that is also taking up my
energy and time. I am a very private person, mainly because of the
stalking and harassment we've been through, so I don't share much of my
day-to-day life on my blog. I prefer to keep my writing to my spiritual
life, which I try to be open about. <br />
<br />
I've been thinking for a while about sharing the natural treatments that
have helped me but feel conflicted because A) I am not fully healed,
just markedly improved at this point and B) I don't want to come across
as giving medical advice or posting something that could harm someone
else if they tried it. I've done a lot of experimentation on myself with
natural supplements and diet since my medical care hasn't been much
help, but I wouldn't really advise someone else do that! :) I've made a
lot of mistakes and paid for them, but ultimately, the past two years
of putting myself through it has helped me come out better on the other
side. God has provided miraculous healing properties in the plants he
has made, and I'm trying to figure out how to use those to continue to
heal.</span>Qavahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12485779319233501432noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429862474070628454.post-56467430443896027962014-04-08T18:18:00.000-04:002014-04-08T18:20:01.468-04:00Finding words to speakWhen I couldn't find the words to pray this weekend, it was such a release of pressure when this psalm spoke for me. A portion of my burden was carried to God in these words. He understands when I feel so isolated and alone. When it seems as if no one can grasp the pain lashed tight around my soul, these words unbind it, and, loosened, I sigh, feeling the relief of room to breathe, words to speak, a God who gets my grief.<br />
<br />
<span class="chapter-2"><span class="text Ps-69-1">Save me, O God!</span></span><br />
<span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks"> </span><span class="text Ps-69-1">For the waters have come up to my neck.</span></span><span class="text Ps-69-2" id="en-ESV-14938"><sup class="versenum"><br /> </sup>I sink in deep mire,</span><br />
<span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks"> </span><span class="text Ps-69-2">where there is no foothold;</span></span><br />
<span class="text Ps-69-2">I have come into deep waters,</span><br />
<span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks"> </span><span class="text Ps-69-2">and the flood sweeps over me.</span></span><span class="text Ps-69-3" id="en-ESV-14939"><sup class="versenum"><br /></sup>I am weary with my crying out;</span><br />
<span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks"> </span><span class="text Ps-69-3">my throat is parched.</span></span><br />
<span class="text Ps-69-3">My eyes grow dim</span><br />
<span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks"> </span><span class="text Ps-69-3">with waiting for my God.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span class="text Ps-69-13" id="en-ESV-14949">But as for me, my prayer is to you, O <span class="small-caps" style="font-variant: small-caps;">Lord</span>.</span><br />
<span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks"> </span><span class="text Ps-69-13">At an acceptable time, O God,</span></span><br />
<span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks"> </span><span class="text Ps-69-13">in the abundance of your steadfast love answer me in your saving faithfulness.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span class="indent-1"><span class="text Ps-69-13">Psalm 69:1-3,13 </span></span>Qavahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12485779319233501432noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429862474070628454.post-54074471072477021862014-01-20T02:03:00.000-05:002014-01-20T02:05:54.056-05:00Lord, I need you.<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="//www.youtube.com/embed/LuvfMDhTyMA?rel=0" width="420"></iframe>
<br />
Weary. That one word soaks through my bones sometimes. In those moments, it's as if I am a spectator, watching others live the life I want to live. I want to help people, to travel, to have a career, to have a family of my own. It's especially hard to be trapped by limitations which vary so much from day to day, even from minute to minute. The unreliability, the dependence, the weakness - it can wear on a soul that desperately wants to jump up and act. <br />
<br />
I felt encouraged in my weakness last night as I read about David's exhausted men in 1 Samuel 30. David and 600 of his men had found their homes torched and their families and possessions stolen. When they rode off to catch the people who did it, 200 of the men were too exhausted after over 60 total miles and terrible grief to go on fighting. They stayed with the baggage while the other 400 men went with David to reclaim their people and goods.<br />
<br />
It was when David returned, victorious and spent, that some of the men with him didn't want to share their spoil with those who'd needed to rest. David, a man after God's own heart, made clear that those who aligned themselves with him were just as deserving of the rewards as those who were stronger and capable of fighting. It was their heart attitude and their willingness to go as far as they could that mattered to David.<br />
<br />
I think it's that way with God. When we are willing to go as far as our weariness will allow, even resting on the sidelines is a noble job. Let's not look down on those who sit and rest while the strong and healthy go out to do the more visible tasks. Just think of how abundant our reward in heaven will be, given by the same generous hand that provided for all of David's men - by the one whose power is made perfect in weakness.<br />
<br />
<br />
<i><span class="text 2Cor-12-9" id="en-NIV-29032">But he said to me, <span class="woj">“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”</span> Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.</span> <span class="text 2Cor-12-10" id="en-NIV-29033">That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.</span></i><br />
<span class="text 2Cor-12-10" id="en-NIV-29033">2 Corinthians 12:9-10 </span>Qavahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12485779319233501432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429862474070628454.post-44722856794008405992014-01-07T00:23:00.000-05:002014-01-07T01:11:41.625-05:00Hope in the Darkness<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://blog.vickiboykis.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/Twilight-in-the-Wilderness.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://blog.vickiboykis.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/Twilight-in-the-Wilderness.jpeg" height="201" width="320" /></a></div>
<span class="text Isa-9-2" id="en-ESV-17832">"<i>The people who walked in darkness</i></span><i><span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks"> </span><span class="text Isa-9-2">have seen a great light;</span></span><span class="text Isa-9-2"> those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness,</span></i><span class="indent-1"><i><span class="indent-1-breaks"> </span></i><span class="text Isa-9-2"><i>on them has light shone.</i>" Isaiah 9:2</span></span><br />
<span class="indent-1"><span class="text Isa-9-2"><br /></span></span>
<span class="indent-1"><span class="text Isa-9-2">This Christmas I spent a lot of time thinking about this painting called "Twilight in the Wilderness" by Frederic Edwin Church. It reminds me of a journey taken through uncharted land - grueling, demanding, exhausting. But then, upon reaching a precipice at just the right time, there is the most breathtaking beauty that breaks through the daunting monotony. The constant struggles with underbrush and sleepless nights fade in that moment, awash with glory.</span></span><br />
<span class="indent-1"><span class="text Isa-9-2"><br /></span></span>
Jesus came for us who are hurting, for us caught in the far-reaching effects of sin, addiction, and sadness.<br />
<span class="indent-1"><span class="text Isa-9-2"><br /></span></span>
<span class="indent-1"><span class="text Isa-9-2">He came first to the shepherds. They were, as Pope Francis said, "</span></span>among the last, the outcast...who were awake, keeping watch in the night, guarding their flocks." God chose them specifically for this extraordinary moment on the precipice, to witness his glory breaking through into our painful struggles. He came first not to kings but to those humble workers who day after day kept watch in the lonely places. Jesus came to seek those who want light more than the darkness they feel they can't escape.<br />
<br />
If you, like the shepherds, are awake in the late night alone seeking relief, if because of pain or fear or illness or trauma or caregiving or grief you feel that the light of a Savior is a far-off, flickering flame - remember there is hope in the manger. He is the Light of the World promised to save us, and our future glorious deliverance is sure when we trust him. <br />
<br />
<i><span class="text John-1-5" id="en-ESV-26039">The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.</span></i><br />
John 1:5Qavahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12485779319233501432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429862474070628454.post-74080118861524579472013-12-12T17:53:00.000-05:002013-12-12T18:06:10.499-05:00A Year of QuestionsThis year I've obviously written much less. As the cursor blinks, I wonder why I have so few answers. I wonder where the analogies are, why I can't boil down what I'm learning or sum up the moments of these days and months.<br />
<br />
The fact is that this has been a year of questions more than answers. Last year at this time, I was being broken again. Events happened that were beyond my power, and that feeling of being out-of-control, of being so frustrated and (dare I say) angry with God sent me into a dark time. I wrestled with who God was all over again. I even stopped wrestling at times and tried to numb myself with TV, knitting projects, puzzles, anything to forget the pain. As the series of crises eased off, the lingering sense of helplessness and isolation remained. I looked at God and church through raw experiences that didn't match the neat little packages of "pray and receive" or "come for fellowship and be accepted and helped."<br />
<br />
No. My problems ran too deep to share over casual "How was your vacation?" conversation. My questions and searching weren't socially acceptable. So I hid them. I went underground and withdrew from sharing. It was easier, and I didn't know what else to do. It became normal for me to skip a week (or more) of Bible reading, only to catch up in binge reading so that I wouldn't lose my anchor altogether.<br />
<br />
My prayers were sparse and I stopped condemning myself for it. I wondered where God was. People asked me to pray for trivial things, and I wanted to scream that I could barely pray for my family and myself. I knew things could get even worse, so I'd try to remain thankful almost in fear of suffering more loss if I became ungrateful. A flicker of hope was found in reading about people who struggled with the same disillusionment. Those who had lived in the bubble of suburban "life-works-out" and suddenly found themselves falling from that protective bulb, tumbling into a hole they couldn't pray themselves out of. It happened to me. <br />
<br />
So for those of you who have circumstances that God hasn't changed; for those who have prayed and cried out to God for relief only to wake up to stumble over a fresh obstacle the next day; for those who wonder when this will end, when the Savior will reveal his deliverance - this year is a year I sat with you and said, I am here too. I have no answers, but I am here with you, and my faith still remains. God is who he says he is. The evening sunset declares it. His intricate design of every cell in our bodies magnifies his brilliance. He is mysterious and incomprehensible. All I know is that the more I desire to know him and the closer I want to draw, the harder life seems to get, and the more pain I feel. And yet, that place in my heart that should be hardened, bitter, and resentful is still a wide open wound, throbbing with even greater hunger for his love.<br />
<br />
I realize more than ever how real and subversive and subtle evil is. And along with that knowledge is my need for someone powerful enough, loving enough, wise enough to help me. The temptation to turn to a counterfeit is crushing at times. Just feed that immediate need with a person or show or celebrity who can make you feel better, but they are shadows and disappointments in the end.<br />
<br />
I can't explain it, but Jesus is somehow with me, especially in the lonely nights. He's not fixing the situation but is slowly changing my heart. He's the only one who overcame death, and he invites me with all my questions, with my secret doubts, with my shameful angry outbursts and confusion to have breakfast with him just like Peter who failed. Without judgment, he receives me, understands, and encourages me to keep going, to keep feeding lambs and tending sheep.<br />
<br />
In a year of questions, I need to cling to the One who is the answer.<br />
<br />
"The pupil dilates in the darkness and in the end finds light, just as the soul dilates in misfortune and in the end finds God."<br />
-Victor Hugo <i>(Les Miserables</i>)Qavahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12485779319233501432noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429862474070628454.post-80304828974145638602013-08-19T18:33:00.000-04:002013-08-19T18:56:05.524-04:00Fighting Discouragement: "I'm Not Making Any Progress."This summer I tuned in on the Discovery Channel to witness Nik Wallenda walk across the Grand Canyon on a tightrope. He was 1500 feet above the Colorado River, and as he walked the quarter mile distance, his view looking down rarely altered. Watching his own journey across that wire shortly after the event, Nik commented repeatedly on his discouragement over the remarkable lack of progress he felt he was making. <br />
<br />
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Stepping out over the canyon at 48 seconds into the walk, Nik saw the river and rocks below him.<br />
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After 3 minutes, he said of this view, <i>"It shows how slow my progress was. It looks like I
haven't even moved. We keep showing the camera that goes straight down to the
bottom of the canyon, and it doesn't look like I'm going anywhere."</i><br />
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He repeated after 4 minutes, <i>"There it is again. I haven't gone anywhere. Looks
like we're going back to the same clip over and over again. Maybe it was a
treadmill wire. Doesn't look like I'm moving."</i><br />
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Finally, at almost 10 minutes, he confessed, <i>"The whole time I was out there, I just felt like I
wasn't making any progress. I felt like the camera that was looking down. I
felt like I was walking in one place for about three-quarters of the walk. I
was trying to count the pendulums, but I couldn't concentrate enough to count
them. I wasn't sure - I lost count - I wasn't sure where I was at. I knew that
I had 20 of them to cross, and I was hoping - to get - once I got to the
middle, I wanted my dad to tell me, and he never did. And I was going to ask
him, but then I was scared to ask him because I was scared I wasn't halfway
across."</i><br />
<span style="color: blue;"></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;"></span></span><br />
<span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;">As I listened to Nik describe the difficulties of the wire whipping back and forth, the utter dryness of this mouth, and the sudden gusts of strong winds that seemed to come out of nowhere, it reminded me of how discouraged I have felt at times in my own journey. When I have a bad health day or become overwhelmed by the lack of change in my circumstances, it's easy to feel how Nik did up on that "treadmill wire." I want to know from God if I've made it halfway through specific trials or if I'm in for even more trouble, but I'm almost too scared to ask.</span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: blue;"><span style="color: black;">As Nik continued to watch his walk, he began to describe how things improved when he was able to refocus his eyes from the canyon bottom to his destination. </span></span><br />
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About four minutes before the end he said, <i>"I was able to relax here because rather than looking
down at the wire and looking at those rocks crossing back and forth in front of
me, I actually was able to look up to the land. I had something more solid to
focus on that I could work off of."</i><br />
<br />
This refocusing of his eyes made me think of four ways I could apply his experience to my own perspective.<br />
<br />
1) If I keep my eyes down, looking at my problems, gauging progress by all the days of struggle that seem to blend together, I will be disoriented and discouraged. But if I fix my eyes (2 Cor 4:17-18) on the finish line of heaven, I will have a solid, unchanging goal which makes all the world's happiness pale in comparison. In order to hold on to sure hope and maintain proper perspective, I must mentally <b>focus</b> on my eternal destination, not my earthly obstacles.<br />
<br />
2) When the wind of adversity surges ups suddenly and slows my progress to a standstill, it can remind me of my own powerlessness. However, Jesus used his sovereign power to calm the wind (Mark 6:48-52) for his disciples who had been straining to row against it all night long. When I can't change a situation, I must <b>trust</b> that the winds which disrupt my plans and progress are under his total authority. He uses the adversity for my ultimate good and then calms it at the proper time.<br />
<br />
3) And when the cable of stability whips out from under me, threatening to topple my confidence, I must <b>listen</b> for the voice of my Father who is guiding me from the other side. Just like Nik's dad who spoke direction in his ear during tense times, God can see and know things I can't possibly understand from my position. He is my supplier of wisdom (James 1:5) when my steps feel uncertain and shaky.<br />
<br />
4) Finally, I learned that my progress in trial depends on whether I <b>choose</b> to keep taking those small, sometimes painfully hard steps of obedience in the right direction. Choosing to love when it hurts, choosing to forgive when I've been wronged, choosing to continue on after a setback rather than giving up - in all ways I must press on (Phil 3:12-14).<br />
<br />
Though the pace seems painfully slow and the winds and upsets unrelenting at times, the struggle will be well worth it if we <u>focus our minds</u> on heaven, <u>trust with our soul</u> in the authority of Christ, <u>listen with our hearts</u> to God's wisdom, and <u>choose with our will</u> to press on in faith. In this way, we will share in the victory Jesus died to give us.<br />
<br />
<span class="versetext" id="heb12-3" style="display: inline;"><span class="versetext" id="heb12-1" style="display: inline;"><i><span class="versetext" id="heb12-2" style="display: inline;">Let us fix our eyes on Jesus,<a href="http://www.blogger.com/null" name="3"></a> the author<a href="http://www.blogger.com/null" name="4"></a> and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross,<a href="http://www.blogger.com/null" name="5"></a> scorning its shame,<a href="http://www.blogger.com/null" name="6"></a> and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.<a href="http://www.blogger.com/null" name="7"></a> </span><span class="versetext" id="heb12-3" style="display: inline;"><span class="versenum"></span>
Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary<a href="http://www.blogger.com/null" name="8"></a> and lose heart.</span></i></span> </span><br />
<span class="versetext" id="heb12-3" style="display: inline;">Hebrews 12:2-3</span>
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Qavahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12485779319233501432noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429862474070628454.post-57178916374638178762013-08-15T16:46:00.000-04:002013-08-17T14:54:42.204-04:00For those who have cried in church<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It was Saturday evening, and I had just had it. Up the night before till 6 AM with sleep disrupted, feeling frustrated, sick, trapped, irritable, and angry. I lost my patience. I yelled and exited with a punctuated slap of the garage door opener. It was another meltdown under the stress of the past 8 years of intense trial (15 years of losses, hardship, and illness). I haven't had a normal life for so long; I was physically and emotionally depleted, and it was too much that day. The pot boiled over.<br />
<br />
Usually manageable at home, this presented a new challenge. I was on my way to church. Smiling strangers, social greetings, joyful songs - I was slightly nauseated at the thought of being in public with the knowledge that I couldn't contort my face to cover this heartache.<br />
<br />
I had to make the choice to take that next step. And so I decided to just show up. Eyes down, sitting, closed off, but there nonetheless.<br />
<br />
In the past, I've frequently encountered obstacles to going to church. Unless the issue was insurmountable, I knew it was worth pushing through. There was often reward on the other side. This time was no different. It's so strange how there can be a battle to get to a building 15 minutes away, but when that building can be a source of healing, can draw me closer to Jesus, and can help others, the struggle takes on a new, higher meaning.<br />
<br />
So for those who have felt the sting of sorrowful tears in public, who couldn't put on a happy face, who have felt so alone in a pew while everyone else seemed to have it all together, this was part of my prayer two days later. <br />
<br />
<blockquote>
And just when I hit the bottom of myself, when tears are rolling down my cheeks in church and I hunch like I'm praying because I can't bear to sing - you surround me with your Spirit, and you know. You know I can't smile or sing because my world is in pieces and I have no mask left to play the church game. So it's you who steps in and covers me. <br />
<br />
Everyone stands, and I am acutely aware their worlds aren't caving in, but they are singing for me, surrounding me with your Spirit when my own heart can't sing. I question if I'm just making that up to feel better, but the thought passes as I hear, "it's all about you; yes, it's all about you." And somewhere in between, "from my heart to the heavens" and "Jesus be the center," my soul chose to mouth the words "It's all about you," as if my jaw and tongue were rusted, old machinery, lurching and grinding without oil, but moving in the quietest praise, the most wrenching praise I can give.<br />
<br />
I clutched the damp Kleenex tightly and thought of the victory of praising you in the pain, of the fact I could have turned around twice, of how I'd won just by getting there. I thought of how the Enemy must hate my giving and perseverance. <br />
<br />
Then the pastor read in <a href="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=james%205:7-11&version=NIV">James 5 about patience in suffering</a>. And you reminded me gently again that it's all about you (not me). He reminded us that Job had the chance to love you for you - and that we may only get one chance in this life to do the same - to love you for you, not just your gifts.<br />
<br />
And although this test is evil and fierce, in your hands it is goodness for me - in my heart, for others, for my future, for eternity. In your hands, you can (and do) redeem evil. And you have made me capable of faith, of knowing you.<br />
<br />
You've given me love and have helped me through illness to a better place. I have so much because you gave the gracious gift of your Son, and you forgive my complaining and self-pity. You love me, and though I struggle, by your strength I will rise, and my faith will be proven as gold through the fire. </blockquote>
<br />
Don't give up in the face of isolation, fear, worry, and pain - even pain that goes on for years or for decades - because God is in the business of redeeming pain when we trust him with it. He is worthy of our love even when we can't feel anything good. In those weak moments, remember that it's all about him.<br />
<br />
<div class="poetry top-1">
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<i><span class="text Ps-56-8" id="en-NLT-14740">You keep track of all my sorrows.</span><br /><span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks"> </span><span class="text Ps-56-8">You have collected all my tears in your bottle.</span></span><br /><span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks"> </span><span class="text Ps-56-8">You have recorded each one in your book.</span></span></i></div>
</div>
<i> <span class="text Ps-56-9" id="en-NLT-14741">My enemies will retreat when I call to you for help.</span><br /><span class="indent-1"><span class="indent-1-breaks"> </span><span class="text Ps-56-9">This I know: God is on my side!</span></span></i><span class="text Ps-56-10" id="en-NLT-14742"></span><br />
<span class="indent-1"><span class="text Ps-56-10">Psalm 56:8-9 (NLT) </span></span>
Qavahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12485779319233501432noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4429862474070628454.post-89722389587162216802013-05-12T20:19:00.000-04:002013-05-12T20:36:33.134-04:00YouTube Worship Part IISeveral years ago, I posted <a href="http://colorsofqavah.blogspot.com/2009/03/youtube-worship.html" target="_blank">this song</a> because it was so uplifting and helpful for me when I wanted to redirect my thoughts from my problems back onto God.<br />
<br />
This new worship song is one I heard about a year ago on TV, but at the time, I couldn't find it on youtube. I've been listening to it repeatedly this weekend. When I'm struggling with doubt and discouragement, these lyrics inspire me to remember and worship the true character of the great I AM.<br />
<br />
<br />
<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/pPtT0_QD1rI?rel=0" width="420"></iframe>
<br />
"I AM" - By Daniel Crews and choir at First Baptist Church of Atlanta.<br />
<br />
Lyrics:<br />
I am the LORD<br />
I'm the Almighty God<br />
I am the one for whom nothing is too hard<br />
I am the Shepherd<br />
I am the Door<br />
I am the good news to the bound and the poor<br />
<br />
I AM, I AM, I AM, I AM<br />
<br />
I am the righteous one<br />
I am the Lamb<br />
I am the ram in the bush for Abraham<br />
I am the ultimate sacrifice for sin<br />
I am your Redeemer, Beginning and the End<br />
<br />
I AM, I AM, I AM, I AM<br />
<br />
I am Jehovah<br />
I am the King<br />
I am Messiah, David's offspring<br />
I am your High Priest<br />
I am the Christ<br />
I am your Resurrection<br />
I am the Life<br />
<br />
I AM, I AM, Jesus said: "I AM," (I AM)<br />
<br />
I am the bread<br />
I am the wine<br />
I am your future, so leave your past behind<br />
I am the one in the midst of two and three<br />
I am your tabernacle<br />
I am your jubilee<br />
<br />
I AM, I AM, Jesus said: "I AM," (I AM) <br />
<br />
I am the bread<br />
I am the wine<br />
I am your future, so leave your past behind<br />
I am the one in the midst of two and three<br />
I am your tabernacle<br />
I am your jubilee<br />
<br />
(I AM), I AM, He is the great (I AM), (I AM) <br />
<br />
I am hope<br />
I am peace<br />
I am joy<br />
I am rest<br />
I am your comfort and relief from your stress<br />
<br />
I am strength<br />
I am faith<br />
I am love<br />
I am power<br />
And today I am your freedom,<br />
This very hour! <br />
<br />
I AM, Jesus said: "I AM," (I AM), (I AM)<br />
<br />
[I am hope<br />
I am peace<br />
I am joy<br />
I am rest<br />
I am your comfort and relief from your stress<br />
<br />
I am strength<br />
I am faith<br />
I am love<br />
I am power<br />
And today I am your freedom,<br />
This very hour!] x2<br />
<br />
I AM, I AM, Jesus is (I AM), I AM <br />
<br />
He is the great I AM!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Qavahhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12485779319233501432noreply@blogger.com0