Breaking the Cycle

Treating dysautonomia is often a game of trial and error. The autonomic nervous system is dynamic and complex, and the reasons for its dysfunction can be varied and not easily pinpointed. One person might have a genetic predisposition. Another person's case might be due to a trauma, surgery, child birth, Lyme disease, or a viral component.

The origin of my illness was likely due to exposure to toxic mold and then subsequent pesticide exposure. Though I could limp along and appear to function for a while, it took years for my symptoms to manifest in a way that completely incapacitated me. A flu virus pushed my already weak body over the edge, and after collapsing, I could no longer go on with my daily life.

Treating my dysautonomia has been difficult. Mostly, I am told to live life within my limitations, take in plenty of salt and fluids to maintain blood pressure, and to perform mild exercise as I am able. These treatments have only taken me so far, and so I sought the opinion of a specialist in chronic illness last fall.

This physician urged me to try a new diet free of sugar and carbohydrates, based on her diagnosis of "leaky gut syndrome." In her opinion, my past mold and chemical exposures caused damage to my intestines. The cells lining the intestine are normally very tightly knit together so that only nutrients and vitamins can be absorbed into the bloodstream. However, with increased intestinal permeability, the gaps between these cells widen, allowing larger particles, toxins, and bacteria into the body. As she explained, this creates a cycle of inflammation and inappropriate immune response that manifests as systemic disease, fatigue, stomach problems, aching muscles, and even autonomic nervous system dysfunction.

Trying to break this inflammatory cycle is difficult and requires me to make positive choices almost hour by hour about what I will put into my body. If I put in the wrong foods, my gut won't be able to handle the onslaught, ultimately leading to more inflammation and increased symptoms.

When I woke up from a recurring dream last night, the fight to keep my thoughts from dwelling on the dream reminded me of my struggle with leaky gut syndrome. Every time I tried to quit thinking about the dream, it came back again. I knew from past experience that if I allowed these thoughts to permeate into my mind that I would have a full-blown assault on my emotions, which would lead to "spiritual inflammation" and losing my sense of peace.

It occurred to me that areas of weakness in my thought life create a "leaky mind."

For example, I am often tempted to compare myself to others. I'll be consuming a diet of Facebook photos when suddenly one will trigger an envious response. I'll feel like less of a person compared to what that person has. I'm also tempted in other ways - to fear, to not trust God, to covet, to dwell on the past, to feel guilt and condemnation, to be discontent with what God has given me - just to name a few. All these areas of weakness are like gaps in my spiritual defense. Negative thoughts leak in through these weaknesses, and before I know it, more unpleasant thoughts lead to negative emotions, which lead to a full-blown spiritual attack. Then I feel defeated, like I can't even lift my head. It takes a lot of encouragement to come back from a blow like that, so the best way to head it off is to break the cycle at the beginning. This starts with diet.

Just like my food diet, I have to be disciplined to make good choices every minute and every hour about what I "consume" mentally. I am responsible for what my eyes take in, for what I hear, for what I choose to dwell on, and if I repeatedly choose healthy thoughts, I lessen the chance of a tempting idea taking me down into an all-out defeat.

The similarities of my physical and spiritual condition are fascinating to me. We as people are consuming all the time in order to exist. We must eat food, and we must consume ideas, philosophies, and thoughts that bombard us on a daily basis. Our minds can only filter out so many negative things until we are overloaded. I have realized during this time of trial that my mind is extra-sensitive to negative input. It's my job to repeatedly reject those unbiblical thoughts before they leak in and reignite the cycle of spiritual inflammation.

By repeatedly rejecting wrong thoughts and instead pursuing a diet of right thoughts, I've found that I can live at peace spiritually, even in the midst of temptation and trial.

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.
1 Peter 5:8-9

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
Philippians 4:8

"Brighter Days Will Come"

My mom was once dumped by a guy who, after breaking her heart, offered her the callous (and egotistical) consolation of "Brighter days will come." That line has survived as somewhat of a family joke during hard times, providing much-needed comic relief. Though, whenever it's said, deep down I kind of hope it's true.

I have wrestled with the fact that there are no "guarantees" in this life. Some people emerge from trials with stories of victory, and others continue to struggle and endure difficulty all their days. It's ok for me to ask God to deliver, but the fact is that he is God Almighty, sovereign over all creation (including me), and it may be his will for me to remain in difficult circumstances while I continue to trust Him.

As the new year of 2011 approaches, I'm torn between fear and hope. Will things get better, worse, stay the same? Are there any guarantees left in this life?

As I watched TV the other day, I heard a preacher refer to Ephesians 1:13-14:

In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory.

What I love most about this verse is that it doesn't offer false hope. It's not that God "might" bless me or "perhaps" things will get better. No. God the Father who sits on the throne of Heaven has given me a very personal guarantee - proof of his love - a certain sign of what is to come. And this guarantee is not a vision that someone could misinterpret or a letter that someone could fake.

When the Israelites wandered in the wilderness, the most important part of their identity was having God dwell with them. Moses said that they could not move forward unless God went with them (Exodus 33:15). When I read this, I realize that I take for granted the awesome gift that God now sends his Spirit to dwell in each believer. I don't need to go to a temple to seek him in prayer. I don't have to find a priest who can go to God on my behalf. Because of Christ's sacrifice and the gift of the Holy Spirit, I can now fellowship freely and continually with holy God. I also receive an iron-clad guarantee from God that I will one day acquire a mind-blowing inheritance - inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. (1 Peter 1:4).

That passage of 1 Peter reminds me that though I may suffer here for a while, the testing of my genuine faith glorifies God and is of greater worth than gold. It's important to keep my eyes on the prize this new year. In 2011, there may be great triumphs or more dark valleys, but the Lord God is with me every second and has given me a guarantee - that by believing in his only Son as Savior, my marvelous inheritance is signed for, I've been sealed, and now I'm just waiting for delivery.

For those who accept God's offer of his Son, it is only a matter of time before the brightest days do indeed come.

Encouraged (and Giveaway Winner)

I was deeply touched to receive this comment from a reader last week. It was a difficult week for me physically as well as emotionally, due to illness in my family, and the power of that person's encouraging words brought tears to my eyes, renewed my strength, and made a big difference in my life.

Over the next several days, I received five other messages out of the blue that lifted me up as well. I could feel God's comfort through the loving words of others.

Today, remember that God uses us as his conduits to bring compassion and love to the lives of those who are hurting. Don't underestimate the power of a kind and healing word spoken at just the right time. You just may be God's messenger of hope for someone battling the darkness.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.
2 Corinthians 1:3-5

**Anonymous - Please contact me with your address at colorsofqavah (at) aol (dot) com so that I can send you the book "Perfect Trust." And thank you for your message of hope and encouragement!

Anxious Thoughts (and a Christmas Giveaway!)

During a particularly anxiety-ridden night earlier this week, I prayed for comfort in the lonely, dark hours of the early morning. I suddenly remembered a particular book called "Perfect Trust" that I heavily relied upon for comfort years ago, so I pulled it off my shelf. The little book is by Charles Swindoll, and though it is tiny (a bit larger than a 4x6 index card), the words in it are mighty, powerful scriptures combined with just the right encouragement for a hurting, troubled soul. I thought I would share a passage that particularly helped me:

You may be going through some of the hardest days of your life. You may be wondering Why? Why me? Why this trial?

James wrote to Christians who were enduring great persecution. They were probably asking those same questions. He answered them in this way. "Blessed is a man who perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him" (James 1:12). He was saying that when you persevere through a trial, God gives you a special measure of insight. You become the recipient of the favor of God as He gives to you, and those who suffer with you, something that would not be learned otherwise.

That word persevere is very important. It's an archaic word and we don't hear much about it in our day of bailing out and giving up. We don't hear much about hanging in there and persevering...about staying power! But there is more to it than merely enduring. It's one thing to stand grim-faced, tightfisted, and staring at God with anger, saying, "How DARE YOU! What right do You have?" or "Look at what I've done for you! And look at what I get in return!" That's one kind of perseverance. But there's another kind. The kind that stands with an open hand and open arms, that looks into the face of God and replies, "I submit myself to You. I'm trying hard to hear what You're saying. I wholly and completely admit my dependence. I've run out of answers. I'm waiting."

You may be going through a trial so overwhelming that it's borderline unbearable. You want to see the end of the tunnel. Which is only natural, because once we see that little speck of light, we feel we can make it through to the finish. But God's tunnels are often twisting, too complex and dark to see the light for many days. In such settings He says, "In that dark, twisting, seemingly endless period of time, trust me. Stop running scared! Stop fearing!"

This message reminded me that in the midst of chaos and uncertainty, God repeatedly asks me to trust Him and wait with hope and expectation. He assures that at the end of that long, dark wait, there will be great reward.

As a special Christmas gift, I will be giving away one copy of the powerful little book "Perfect Trust" by Charles Swindoll. Just leave a comment below, and I will use random.org to choose a winner on Friday December 17th.

Mythbusters Tornado Shield

As a kid, I was always fascinated by tornados. Ok, it was more utter fear than anything. But now that I'm older, shows like Storm Chasers on Discovery kind of intrigue me. I mean, the whole premise is people purposefully driving as close as possible to the biggest tornados they can find. Now that's worth watching.

Imagine my delight when I saw one of my favorite shows (Mythbusters) team up with two of the Storm Chasers crew in order to test how their vehicles would fair in maximum tornado-force winds. Tornados + Science + TV = DVR this now.

After the TIVs (tornado intercept vehicles) were tested in up to 250 mph winds behind the jet engine of a 747, Jamie and Adam from Mythbusters attempted to construct a "personal tornado shield" for protection outside of those specialized SUVs.

The shield had to be portable, so at first glance, it looked like a flimsy tent with some panels on the front. Jamie crawled inside to test his invention, and this video shows what happened:



When he emerged after surviving 180 mph winds, he talked about the raw power of the wind, how terrifying it was to be in the dark, and feeling like he was being beaten. Yet, the shield was a great success, having withstood the intense force of the jet engine at full throttle.

It occurred to me as I watched that this experiment illustrated a greater truth than just how much wind a man can endure. During this time of intense trial and spiritual attack, I've found that I don't stand a chance against the storms that rage against me unless I have a shield to protect me. My church recently taught a vital series on the armor of God, reminding me of how the Bible equips me to withstand the powerful attack of the Enemy.

Hanging on for dear life, I cling to my shield of faith, trusting that no matter what debris comes flying my way that I can withstand the hit. Having faith in Christ doesn't necessarily take away the feelings of powerlessness, fear, doubt, or even physical suffering, but what it does do is cover me with peace that doesn't depend on circumstances. It gets me through the trial intact, as a survivor.

When you are suffering strong storms in your life and it feels like God is letting Satan push that throttle forward so that you can't stand on your own, remember to cling not to what you feel but to what you know - the truth of God's Word. Trusting the Bible relentlessly through trial is what anchors us to the Rock of Christ, our foundation.

Through faith in Jesus and relationship with him, he gives us his strength to endure, enabling us to withstand far more than we could by ourselves. With His protection, when the wind is finally shut off, we will be led home safely, intact, as blessed survivors.

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.

But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”
Matthew 7:24-27

Love's Painful Wait

Well over 6 years ago, I was badly bitten by a dog while pet sitting. I washed the bite immediately and called someone to take me to the ER. I had to wait for a long time before I was called back to be seen by a doctor, and finally I was treated and sent home.

However, the bite was deep, and the long wait combined with the wrong antibiotic had allowed a serious infection to develop. My entire hand was red and swollen, the knuckles barely visible. When I visited my doctor afterward, she was alarmed and put me on two antibiotics. I was ordered not to return to work or school, to keep my hand elevated, and to call her if the swelling spread.

I could not see any positives in this situation. The medications disturbed my sleep and gave me a rash. I got behind on all of my lectures, missed band rehearsals, and most of all felt mad that this one stupid incident was costing me weeks of productivity.

Looking back on that time now, I can see that it wasn't worthless. Because I was up late with nothing to do, I began talking online (typing one-handed) with the man who would later become my serious boyfriend. And as we discussed faith in depth with no time constraints, God used that time to begin to move his heart. Just 2 months later, he dedicated his life to Christ.

It's now easy for me to see that not only was God doing great things for his kingdom through my temporary suffering, but he also was doing great things for me.

It's interesting for me to see that Jesus has a habit of allowing temporary pain for a greater purpose.

When called by a man whose daughter was dying, Jesus stopped on the way to heal another woman who had a chronic illness and was in no danger of death. When he finally arrived at the house, the man's daughter had died. Jesus was late.

When Jesus was called by his dear friends Mary and Martha and told that their brother Lazarus was dying, Jesus again took his time. When he finally arrived to meet them, Lazarus had been dead 4 days. Late again.

In my own life, I cry out to God in prayer so often for him to help me with my physical trials, with my emotional distress, and when he doesn't relieve these issues or deliver me, I feel what these people must have felt - not only the deep anguish of my losses, but also the grieving disappointment of Jesus not loving me the way I expect him to love me.

But what I realized as I read about Lazarus today is that Jesus makes me wait BECAUSE he loves me. The wait through pain is an expression of his love.

The reason I know this is because of 2 verses in John that at first seem paradoxical:
"Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So, when he heard that Lazarus was ill, he stayed two days longer in the place where he was."

I had to re-read this several times and check my study notes. Sure enough, the notes say:
"So, therefore" shows the reason why Jesus stayed...He allowed his friends to go through the sorrow and hardship of the death and mourning of Lazarus because he loved them and wanted them to witness an amazing demonstration of Jesus' power over death.

He loved them, so he had them wait.

In my mind, this makes no sense. If I love someone, I want to be there to make everything better, to soothe, to take away the pain as soon as possible. In my human realm of thinking, pain is to be avoided at all costs.

But in the Kingdom of God, pain is not the ultimate evil to be avoided. Death and eternal separation from God is the worst possible case. Whenever Jesus can use circumstances to bring people to saving faith or to deepen the faith of those who believe, it is worth the temporary pain that may take place. It is worth the wait.

As I wait through a number of difficult trials right now, I can be tempted to see this as callous and lacking compassion. I cry out over and over to God, and yet he does not move to relieve my suffering. Through this story of Lazarus, I can be assured that as long as my pain remains, there are necessary and high-stakes eternal implications for it. But what about how I feel emotionally? Does Jesus care?

His response is to weep with me. When Mary confronted him (as I so often have), he "was deeply moved in his spirit." My Bible says this word for deeply moved is used here twice for how he feels and nowhere else in the entire New Testament. It was a "profound sorrow at the death of his friend and at the grief that his other friends had suffered." Jesus cries honest and genuine tears of sorrow when we are waiting in faith through pain. He cries with us and is deeply moved by our prayers. He intellectually understands the big picture and why we have to wait, but his emotions are with us in understanding the grief we must endure in the process.

It is the end of the wait that makes his love not late but awesome. When Jesus went to the tomb, he cried out in a loud voice, "Lazarus, come out." And after 4 days dead in the tomb, Lazarus walked out alive.

And that other man's daughter who died before Jesus arrived? Jesus raised her from the dead too.

If your circumstances look dead, if your wait seems long and cruel, if God does not answer you with deliverance when you ask, know first and foremost that he loves you. He loves not in spite of the waiting but he loves you with, through, and during the wait most of all. It is his plan to bring about glory for his kingdom and also to deepen your faith and bring blessing to you.

Know also that he cries with you. He himself has suffered brutality and can empathize perfectly with you. He is deeply moved by your cries and your disappointment expressed honestly and openly to him.

And most important of all, know this: "Jesus said to her, 'I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die.' "

He has the power to raise others from the dead. He has the power to raise himself from the dead. And in the last day, he will raise the whole world with just the sound of his voice. Jesus is the resurrection. He is the life beyond the grave. By believing and waiting on him, we set ourselves up to see greater things than we could ever imagine. He hasn't just come to bandage up the broken pieces of our lives. He has come to give us new life in Him.

Better than a Buick

Just today, I was watching Ellen. She was recognizing someone who had done a lot of good works in the community (who herself had very little to live on and was asking for help). When the woman got called up on stage, it was very moving because this person who had worked for a long time without recognition was finally receiving reward. I saw her receive a new car, and then when they came back from the break, she also received 10,000 dollars. It reminded me of this verse:

"If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"
Matthew 7:11

I thought, if a mere human can reward another human for good works so richly and extravagantly, then imagine the gifts we will receive from God for doing his work in his name and asking him for help.

It's a challenge for me to remain encouraged when I feel as sick as I have the past few days. I seem to repeat the familiar chronic-illness-cycle of pushing too hard and then paying the price. I get discouraged because my emotional ability to cope well with my family's ongoing struggles is eroded by my physical weakness. At my sickest, I also feel the most powerless, the most irritable, and the least effective for God.

The reward on this TV show today reminded me of how long we sometimes have to labor quietly in dark times before we receive blessing for our obedience. If you are struggling alone and feel like you are not making progress in your trials, be encouraged by this quote from George D. Watson (a Wesleyan minister from the 20th century):

"The Lord may let others be honored and put forward while keeping you hidden in obscurity because He wants to produce some choice, fragrant fruit for His coming glory, which can only be produced in the shade."

Though we may feel that nothing is changing in our circumstances, we can trust God to grow the fruit of his character in our lives as we quietly wait and labor for him.

“No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love him”
1 Corinthians 2:9