Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Hurting with Hope. Hold the Sugar.

“We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”
~C.S. Lewis

Father's Day was painful for me on many levels. My broken relationship with my father has not improved, and I am heartbroken by his actions. My repeated attempts to convey my feelings and boundaries in an honest and straightforward way have not been well received. Rage and blame. It's always the same.

I'm often tempted to use the word "hopeless" to describe the state of things with my dad. And honestly, aside from a miracle, it is a hopeless situation. It's as if the relationship is simply dead. How can things ever get better as his heart becomes harder and harder? How can this situation be God's best for me? There is no denying the deep, abiding grief I'm feeling. But through my faith in Jesus, I know God can use my brokenness and work miracles in seemingly dead and hopeless circumstances, to bring about new life.

I share the C.S. Lewis quote because it's the next best thing to tattooing it on my forehead. I love this quote. It's honest. It's real. It's faith without sugarcoating. As the storms in my life rage out of control, I don't doubt that God has a plan for it all, but everything in my body starts screaming in fear - a fear of what else I will have to lose, a fear of what "new normals" (read: new lows) I will have to get used to, a fear of how isolated my circumstances can make me feel.

The pain that God uses to shape me is like a surgeon's scalpel. It's controlled by a wise, perfect, and loving hand, but that doesn't make the incisions hurt any less.

Though I do not know what the future holds, I will not lose hope, for I believe in Almighty God - "the God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were."
Romans 4:17

3 comments:

Sarah said...

Love ya, K.

Rachel said...

Good quote! I've never heard it before.

I'm sorry Father's Day has to be such a painful day for you. :(

I am praying for peace for you in the midst of trials today and whatever the future holds.

emily said...

Hey K,
This is a beautiful entry.
You write so well. I love this part:
The pain that God uses to shape me is like a surgeon's scalpel. It's controlled by a wise, perfect, and loving hand, but that doesn't make the incisions hurt any less.
Wow! It's so well put. I appreciate your honesty about suffering.
I think maybe that C.S. Lewis quote does need to be tattooed on us. I like it a lot and haven't heard it before.
Again, as you know, I am so sorry this is happening with your father. It breaks my heart. I don't understand how this happens to a human. Or is it b/c we are human that your dad can be this way? It's awful and makes my stomach churn.
He's missing out on a wonderful young woman.
Love,
Em