"God, can I have a sign?"

How many times have I asked God for a sign?  Countless.

Looking back in an old journal, it was almost a daily thing. Will God give me a good parking space? Will I do well on this test or project? Will this deadline get pushed back? Will this person give me approval? Will I get the scholarship? Each "yes" was interpreted as a sign of answered prayer. Looking back, it all revolved around me.

But when I got sick, some of those "signs of favor" on my path with God started to fade. I didn't feel comfortable walking this trail without reassuring arrows and guideposts every few steps, without getting what I thought I needed. In fact, I started flailing, trying to make my own alternative (dead end) routes. Panic set in upon seeing and feeling nothing but more trouble ahead. Instead of signs, the forest got darker, the overgrowth got thicker, and at times I could barely discern my way at all - only weeds, thorny bushes, and a silence that made me question if all I had felt before was really even God.

Making the decision to keep going was extraordinarily difficult. I felt disappointed, hurt, lost, and confused. Deep down, I suffered from a prideful sense of entitlement: "I have done my part, and God is not doing his part." After prayer and reading, I realized that I was not the first person to feel that way. Many people expected Jesus to act differently as the Messiah - to turn things around for Israel and make earthly circumstances better immediately. However, God's complete physical renewing of this world is to come later. First, the spiritual transformation must come. And that starts with repentance and trust in God, not based on what I feel or see but based on who He is.

Who is God? He declared to Moses:

"The LORD, the LORD, a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness"  ~Exodus 34:6

This is echoed by many of the painful cries in the Psalms. It's clear from God's word that when we are in crisis, we must return back to the unchanging character of God and decide to trust Him - over and over again.

In my devotion time recently, I read that there are 3 levels of faith:

"While the first level of faith believes when our emotions are favorable, the second believes when all feelings are absent. And the third level transcends the other two, for it is faith that believes God and His Word when circumstances, emotions, appearances, people, and human reason all seem to urge something to the contrary." ~Streams in the Desert

I've been thinking over these three levels. Though my old, simple path with signs every couple feet felt comfortable, it was inherently unstable. I had to feel secure and see clearly before I could trust, or at least not be thwarted from moving forward. Meeting strong resistance required me to choose: either harden my heart or turn from my selfish pride and rely on unchanging God himself, not the variable signs I wanted.

Although this period of heartache has brought me deep into dark and unsafe woods, I now have faith that is based on something solid, resting on a firm foundation. My hope for the future is sure, not based on worldly successes but on saving up treasures in heaven (Matthew 6:20) and an inheritance that will not perish, spoil, or fade (1 Peter 1:4).

This inheritance is made possible through Jesus. Even when I still act selfishly and feel entitled and weaken in faith, his righteousness and forgiveness are given to me by grace. In this dark, lonely, thicket, I have found the cornerstone of my life - my love for Jesus Christ. He is the gift of eternal salvation for those who believe, and this is by far the greatest sign of all.

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Pruned

 On the news the other night, I heard a story about an ex-con who had turned his life around and established a vineyard in an unlikely place - the middle of the inner-city. For three years, he has been waiting patiently for the grapes to mature in the midst of adverse circumstances.

As I watched the video of him walking through the rows of well-kept vines, I noticed just how much his attention was on each bud. He even stopped mid-stride and mid-sentence while he was on camera with the reporter to adjust an errant branch and make it lie down on the guide wire.

Despite their sparse appearance, all the rows of neatly laid out vines will produce 3,000 bottles of wine at the proper time. They were much taller the previous year but not ready to harvest. In wisdom, the man had cut them back. "Pruning strengthens the grape for the longer run," the reporter said.

I sometimes wonder why God planted me here in the midst of illness, crime, loss, and sorrow. I wonder why year after year goes by and I feel like I grow in faith, but the pruning shears come out again. He bends down, examines me in love, his tender gaze on my little shoot, and then he snaps it right off. This is love. This is love that I can't quite grasp emotionally when I'm in pain.

But to see this parable brought to life on TV, I can start to understand that God's pruning is the best kind of love. The online news report described the reformed man who expertly cuts back his plants: "He quietly surveys the buds on the vines, deftly fingering the growth, looking for whatever strength there is in the buds." How much more will holy God show this patient love toward us, the ones he plants and prunes for glory?

If there had been a story about a vineyard in the rolling hills of one of the rural counties nearby, no one would have raised an eyebrow. But when a reporter hears of a vineyard in the inner-city that once burned with riots, that's newsworthy. I think God likes those kinds of stories too - the unexpected planting of a weak vessel in a bad place to show the kind of power He can enact when true faith perseveres.

Though we may be planted in the midst of adversity, pruned painfully, and endure long years of nothing outwardly changing, our Gardener has a good purpose in mind, and he's willing to wait. When we act out, he will lay us down again to follow his guide wire. And when the years have passed and the spiritual fruit of abiding in Christ is finally ripe, we will overflow with a harvest for God - a harvest all the more sweet and powerful because of the wait and because of the darkness from which we came.

“I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener.  He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful."
John 15:1-2

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Easter Hope

My future in heaven, my eventual healing, the complete forgiveness of my sins, and my soul's peace all came at an extraordinary cost to Jesus. I'm so thankful to Him today for the brutal torture he endured, the humiliating death he died, and most of all for his victorious resurrection. Because of his triumph over death and the evil in this world, I can persevere with sure hope until he returns to take me home.

"But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed."
Isaiah 53:5

Take Me Into The Beautiful

In this broken life, I often long for my home in heaven. Little tastes of heaven are all around, though flawed and masked by sin and decay. This song reminds me that though trials and disappointments may seem to last forever, my faith in Jesus will soon "take me into the Beautiful."


On the last day of the feast, the great day, Jesus stood up and cried out, “If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, ‘Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.’”
John 7:37-38

For Those Who Wait

Here is a reminder of why it is good to wait on God:

http://blog.compassion.com/waiting-on-god-good-things-come-to-those-who-wait/

You hem me in

My morning reading offered encouragement for those who feel stuck in situations beyond their control:

"O restless heart - beating against the prison bars of your circumstances and longing for a wider realm of usefulness - allow God to direct all your days. Patience and trust, even in the midst of the monotony of your daily routine, will be the best preparation to courageously handle the stress and strain of a greater opportunity, which God may someday send."
(excerpt from: Streams in the Desert)

And how do we trust when we have no clear answers to the pain and frustration we must endure?

"What does a child do whose mother or father allows something to be done which it cannot understand? There is only one way of peace. It is the child's way. The loving child trusts.
  I believe that we who know our God, and have proved Him good past telling, will find rest there. The faith of the child rests on the character it knows. So may ours; so shall ours.
...
"There is only one place where we can receive not an answer to our question, but peace - that place is Calvary. An hour at the foot of the Cross steadies the soul as nothing else can. 'O Christ beloved, Thy Calvary stills all our questions.' Love that loves like that can be trusted about this." 
(excerpt from: Rose From Brier)

Shine

Jupiter (left) and Venus (right) came very close together in the sky this week. When I looked up, I couldn't miss the two vivid points of light piercing through the night. It reminded me of the song "Shine" by Salvador:

"Lord let me shine, shine like the moon,
A reflection of You in all that I do.
Lord let me be a light for Your truth;
Light of the world, I wanna be used to shine for You."

These planets (and the moon) emit no light by themselves. But being in the presence of the sun transforms them into reflectors of its magnificent glory - even in especially in deep darkness.

When I'm enduring trials, I sometimes feel like the solitary moon, full of craters and imperfections, unable to provide any light on my own. However, these planets remind me that Jesus, the light of the world, is glorified when He is reflected, even by an isolated orb going about its daily path. Size and strength are of no importance, as "tiny" Venus shines brighter than giant Jupiter. Proximity is all that matters. The closer we come to Him, the brighter He will shine to those near us.

"And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit."
2 Corinthians 3:18