Merry Christmas

A dear friend of mine sent me an article about being in pain over Christmas. It talked about God drawing near to us by being born on earth as Jesus. Because of his sacrifice, we can freely offer up our brokenness to him, rather than trying to cover it with false holiday cheer.

To those who are hurting on a day when everyone else seems so happy, may you feel the comfort of Emmanuel in your heart. He, who made the ear, hears your cries. He, who formed the eye, sees your pain. Invite him into your heart and into your loss. He promises to come again and make all things new.


May this song bring you comfort this Christmas day.

"Behold, a virgin shall be with child, and shall bring forth a son, and they shall call his name Emmanuel, which being interpreted is, God with us." Matthew 1:23

I've got to be honest...

The past 8 weeks have been difficult for me. Shortly after my flu shot in October, I had the tingling reaction in my face and limbs and then was diagnosed with an infection that caused mono-like symptoms. Despite 2 rounds of antibiotics, my symptoms persisted and eventually culminated in an endless sinus infection.

After the triumphant health progress from my treatment this summer and fall, with a strict gluten-free diet, avoiding sugar, and adding L-glutamine powder to heal my damaged gut, I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me. Back to being sick. Back to being in bed. Losing the conditioning and strength I felt from walking. It all just seemed like one more loss. And for how long?

As I struggle through the third round of antibiotics, still with symptoms, I pray for God's healing and that this infection won't turn chronic, requiring months of antibiotics and complications. I feel despair. I feel a sense that God is not listening and that I cannot hope for more than what I have right now.

My feelings have overwhelmed me as my grandma continues to sink deeper into the confusion of dementia and becomes needier and more unreasonable. She hits and insults to the point where you'd think it was her greatest pleasure to strike emotionally in the rawest of sensitive areas. Yet her life lingers on, and her true personality was never like this, so we have to remember her as she was. We honor her first because we honor Christ and the life he gave to her, but also because when my mom and I were children, she honored us with exceptional love and care. It does not make my mom's months of sleepless nights and countless bathroom trips with her any easier, but it gives us perspective that her generous soul is trapped in a broken mind and failing body.

It is with a heavy heart that I also confess to our stalking situation not being resolved. I have written about this only briefly and sporadically before on my blog because it is a situation that confounds logic and sounds blatantly unbelievable, but we've continued to have evidence of home intrusion, missing items, harassment in public, and vandalism. My mom has been hurt, and I honestly feel like God is allowing this without anyone to help. My dad has left us in this situation without protection.

I wait on the Lord today in discouragement. There is still hope buried somewhere deep down in there. But when my mom is showing me new injuries on her body and my grandma is talking to a hallucination in the next room, I find myself asking, "O Lord, how much longer?" At a time when I feel my weakest, my burdens feel the heaviest. And I come to Him and say, "You must take these things from me because I am not equipped to handle them." And still I wait. Each day feels like the movie "Groundhog Day," as if the same horrible song replays from the moment I awake.

I have got to be honest that sometimes waiting on God does not involve bright new insights every week. Sometimes circumstances don't change for the better just because you pray and beg for relief. There is faith that lasts in spite of not smiling, not feeling encouraged, and being betrayed by those entrusted to protect. There is faith that lasts through secret pain so bad that no one knows the depth but Christ himself. There are circumstances so awful that they are difficult to believe, even for the very people living through them. The faith that survives these things is what I want. It eventually comes forth as gold, refined by raging fire. But I've got to be honest. Today I am feeling the flames.

"How long, O LORD? Will you hide yourself forever? How long will your wrath burn like fire? Remember how short my time is!" Psalm 89:46-47

Stronger

It will be two weeks tomorrow since I had a flu shot. I don't typically get them, but this year my new doctor encouraged it because of my risk factor of asthma. I'd had an H1N1 shot (without the preservative thimerosal) 2 years ago with no major complications, and I thought about how I'm healthier now than I was then, so I should be able to tolerate it. I decided that I should go for it, even if I had a few days of feeling run-down. However, I completely forgot to ask for the thimerosal-free injection.

As I was falling asleep the night of the shot, I felt my face start to tingle on the left side (the side my shot had been given). Since then, I've had off and on tingling in my face, which later moved to my arm and hand. One week after the shot, I also developed swollen, painful lymph nodes in my neck, a low fever, and fatigue. The reaction has been scary, to say the least, since I don't know how long it will last or how bad it will get. Though very rare, the dreaded reaction of Guillain-Barre Syndrome is always in the back of my mind when my arm feels strange. Will I suddenly feel weak and lose the ability to move?  Or will this tingling just ease off over the next few weeks?  Though I believe I will be ok, there are no sure answers.

Coping with multiple challenges was already difficult before the shot, so I have been struggling with God over this added burden. I feel like I just can't take one more thing, but one more thing has come anyway. What do we do when our already swamped boat gets hit with a fresh wave?

The thing we should NOT do is read about horror stories involving extensive nerve damage on the Internet. Did that. Not helpful.

But what has fostered peace in my heart is my loving Father in Heaven. I know he is with me through this. I know my friends are praying for me and thinking about me. I know that I have a doctor who is listening and monitoring me. In the end, this experience will serve to increase my faith.

My mom sent me a song that I have heard on the radio a hundred times, but I never stopped to really listen to the lyrics until today. If you are feeling completely overwhelmed, take a second to read the words in this song by Mandisa. It filled me with hope that one day, because of Christ's work in me, I will be stronger.


"He exhorted them all to remain faithful to the Lord with steadfast purpose" Acts 11:23

Building Bone

I tensed up when I was falling asleep. Footsteps fell down the hall, coming toward my door. My bedtime, already late, was now interrupted by light coming in from the hall. Just a few moments, but enough to wake me up even more. With a sleeping disorder and chronic illness, I felt thwarted in my attempts to get rest.

Living with a grandma who has dementia causes a lot of interruptions and chaos, which (after times of resisting) I've had to just accept. Feeling out of control is not new. 

As I shielded my eyes from the light streaming through the open door, my mind wandered to a "what if" scenario. What if I had no distractions from healing?  What if I could lie down to sleep at night with no real worries about my family or my well-being?  "It would be bliss," I concluded. I could go to bed at the same time every night. I could organize and keep my room the way I wanted it. Nothing would stress me out beyond reason because life would be in order. "Normal," as I commonly fantasize.

But just after this ideal bedtime scenario washed over me - these thoughts of no one opening my door or disturbing me when I just want to be left alone - I suddenly thought of a lesson I learned in college about bones.  Bones?

You see, I was always under the impression that when a break occurred in a bone, the way for it to heal was for the bone to be rested undisturbed for a long time (i.e. a cast). Take the weak bone and give it a rest already!  It has enough problems just trying to bridge the traumatic gap.

But one day in biomaterials class, I learned that for proper healing, broken bones fixed into the right position require added stress. What?!  Why would you put stress on something that is already broken and damaged?  Because, to quote a scientific article, "Bone is formed where stresses require its presence and resorbed where stresses do not require it."  Basically, stress trains your body to form protective material where it's need most.

As most of my posts do, this association made me reflect on how the added stresses in my life have caused me to form spiritual bone in places that were weak before. Without the stress of waiting for problems to resolve, I would not have developed any patience. Without repeated losses, I would not have developed better priorities and a profound sense of thanksgiving. Without obstacles to my health and career, I would not have learned perseverance, to work at a slow and steady pace for a long time. And without my heart broken, I would not have received a deeper love for Jesus.

When I think about healing in that way, I realize my spirit is like a broken bone. Properly aligned in God's Word after the initial injuries, I need weighty exercises to heal, even though it hurts. And whether I like it or not, this added stress is slowly calcifying new and lasting hope in me where my old earthly dreams have shattered.

Blocked

God cares more about your character than your comfort.

I've been getting this message through almost every route imaginable lately. Through Bible study. Through sermons. Through prayer. Through books.  It's clear that God is working, but he's not working to make my life safe and manageable. He's working to transform me on the inside.

This leaves me out of control. Which is a problem. Because I like feeling "in control." In fact, I will sometimes try to organize just to achieve some semblance of order, as if it will calm the inner storm.

Lately I've rediscovered that I enjoy playing the Nintendo game Tetris. When I sit there with the (aptly named) controller in my hand, I feel a sense of well-being.  Since I have power over what happens on the screen, I can orient the blocks to make everything fit together and disappear.

As the levels increase, blocks fall faster. I have to adapt quickly so that the pieces don't hinder my progress. Ultimately, they fall so fast that I can't control them anymore. They pile up and the steel door comes down. Game over.

Like the early levels of Tetris, my difficulties in adolescence used to surface manageably, one at a time. Ultimately things would fall into place, and the problem would disappear.

However, in adulthood my challenges have fallen faster and stayed around longer. The rate of emerging difficulties has become greater than my ability to deal with them. Finally, the steel door comes down. My skills aren't sufficient anymore to play the game.

Paul talks about a similar experience in his own life in 2 Corinthians 1:8-9

"We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life.  Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death." 

When I read that, I find great comfort in Paul's direct admission that there are certain problems in life that are far beyond our ability to endure. God sometimes places us in levels of life-Tetris that we aren't prepared to handle. But why does he do it?  Why would God want us to experience such a sense of powerlessness?

The next verses explain exactly why:

"But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many."

1)  He does it so we will rely not on ourselves but on God. And God has the power to handle these things, proven by his ability to raise Jesus from the dead. We have this power at work in us.

2)  Additionally, it is an opportunity for friends to pray for us and share our burdens, building a sense of love and community. It gives them the blessing of joining in God's work by helping us.

3)  Lastly, these overwhelming sufferings are a chance for the world to see God's glory. When we are ultimately granted God's favor of answered prayer, many will give thanks.

If you are suffering beyond what you can bear, don't feel that you have failed or that you need to somehow find a way to get back in control. Though it may feel terrifying, it is a blessing to be made aware of reality - that none of us is truly in control - God is. When we call upon him in our helplessness, he hears us, others pray for us, and the world will see God work. Our job is not to fix it but to wait on him in faith.

The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him. 
Lamentations 3:25

Saturated

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."  Proverbs 4:23

When I was a kid, my mom showed me that if you put Queen Anne's lace in colored water, the flowers would draw the water up the stems and eventually the flower itself would turn the color of the water. I was out for a walk on Labor Day, and when I saw some Queen Anne's lace in an empty lot, I picked some to try the experiment again.

As I saw the blue flower on the countertop last week, it made me think about how what I saturate my mind with determines my attitude - and ultimately my actions. People in pain are especially sensitive to their environment, what they see and hear and think about. We are like the flowers whose stems are cut off fresh at an angle, thirsty and drinking up the life-giving water we need so badly. If we drink from a dirty pond, filling our hearts with ugly thoughts, distressing "entertainment," or unhealthy relationships, we will wither. But if we soak up God's word in the Bible and his presence in regular prayer, we are promised to bear fruit that will last, and we will also be gradually transformed in the process to become flush with the hue of our Savior.

"Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me."
John 15:4

Keeping In Step

When I was a kid, my grandma and I would sometimes go walking together. She would wrap her arm around my little shoulders, and I would barely reach up to grab around her waist. Then we'd stop and shuffle and awkwardly skip a minute to get in step with each other. Connected by arms and the rhythm of our feet, we'd then recite this rhyme along to the beat of our pace -

Right!
Right!
You'll never get home with your Right!

Left!
Left!
I Left my wife with 46 kids, the OLD gray mare, and the PEAnut stand!

This would repeat until I would inevitably be giggling with joy over the silly rhyme and trying to stay in step.

There is something about walking in synchrony with someone or with a song that makes my heart more joyful and helps me continue on my path. I was thinking about that the other day as I walked on the treadmill to one of my favorite songs, "The Cave," by Mumford and Sons. Because that song spurred me on in my exercise, I decided to search my collection for more songs at that tempo using a free program called BeaTunes. It helped me to make a playlist on my iPod for songs specifically with a tempo in that range. It's made my walking so much easier and more satisfying.

This made me wonder, is it just me? Is there any science behind this? According to researchers, not only does music combined with exercise clear our minds and make us better able to think, but it also results in the accomplishment of more work without proportional changes in heart rate.

Suffice it to say that when your foot strikes the pavement at the exact moment of that drum in your ear, you are experiencing a kind of synergy - an ease that God built into our bodies to work better and to do more. Like WD40 applied to a squeaky door hinge, we can glide when we are in step with music.

Interestingly, God uses this same kind of language in the Bible when describing how we are to live the Christian life. When we place our faith in Christ, the Holy Spirit comes to dwell in us and be our guide. He 'sets our pace' so to speak in how we should live. Paul wrote to the Galatians that we are to "keep in step with the Spirit."

God wants to use our lives to do good works that he planned in advance specifically for us to do. However, we will struggle with this if we are trying to do good works on our own - making the mistake of attempting to "earn" God's salvation, which is a free gift.

Like walking without a rhythm, left to our own devices we will tire prematurely and the impact of our lives will be extinguished once this earth passes away. It's only by keeping in step with the Holy Spirit that we are empowered to do eternal work for God's kingdom. Even when we are weak and sick - especially when weak and sick - we are called to serve God with joy. The secret is trusting in him to set the rhythm for our lives and not fighting against it.

There was a song that was very popular years ago by Sonic Flood called Resonate. The lyrics caught my attention one day as I listened:

"Let all living things
Praise You with one voice
We will resonate, resonate Your glory"

I was stopped in my tracks when I heard this because we were studying resonance in class. One definition of resonance? "The intensification and enriching of a musical tone by supplementary vibration." We intensify God's rhythm in this world when we match it with the way we live our lives. A little bit off here or there, and we miss the profound amplification of resonance.

Think of it this way - have you ever pushed someone on a swing? You intensify their motion by timing your pushes specifically to their natural rhythm. If you want to slow them down, you just oppose that rhythm. The same is true in our walk with God. By keeping in step with his commands to love him and love others, we will intensify God's movement here on earth and resonate his glory for eternity.


And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love.
2 John 1:6