Sunday, July 17, 2011

Meditating with Deepak

While watching my nightly dose of Dr. Oz recently, I heard Deepak Chopra give this advice on how to meditate:

"Close your eyes.
Watch your breath for about 5 minutes.
Put your attention on your heart, and ask yourself:
Who am I?
What do I want?
What's my purpose?
You don't need to know the answers. Live the questions, and life will move you into the answers."

When he said that, I wondered if he was kidding. Would it really lower someone's stress level to realize they don't know who they are or what their purpose is in life?

Yet these are life questions, ones that can't be easily ignored. Is it really true that "life will move you into the answers?"

From my experience, life can move you into some pretty destructive answers. How would this philosophy have guided me had I followed it after graduating college?

Left to my own devices, I might have defined myself at the time as an aspiring medical researcher trained in engineering.

Had life been guiding my desires, I might have wanted more notoriety and attention.

Perhaps my purpose in life would have been to pursue a medical breakthrough for cardiac patients and to start a family of my own. Maybe my purpose would have been to make a name for myself.

The only problem with letting life guide my purpose, desires, and identity?
A disabling illness made these answers completely irrelevant.

Had I defined myself by my job, due to illness, I would have been left with no identity.

Had my desires been pinned solely on my own achievement and affirmation, I would have been crushed once it was all taken away.

Had my purpose in life been to accomplish great things and raise a family, I would have been left alone with no real aim.

If I changed the answers to these important questions because of my illness, I'd still be navigating with no compass - building with no foundation. My identity and my purpose must be based on something more concrete than my circumstances, or I am no better than a raft tossed by the sea.

The Bible gives answers to these questions that are unchanging and true. In John 13, Jesus clearly shows his identity, his purpose, and his desire so that we all will have an example to follow and a foundation on which to build our lives.

John says:
"Jesus knew that the time had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love." [His purpose - Dying on the cross to save a lost world and showing the full extent of his love to those who trust Him in faith.]

"Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God;" [His identity - Son of God]

"so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him." [His desire - That after becoming his disciples, we should follow his example to serve others in humility rather than seeking to be served.]


If I live Christ's way, nothing can shake my identity. No circumstance can thwart my purpose. And my desire will never lead me into defeat or destruction. By meditating on the life answers provided by Christ, I can build upon a firm foundation and follow the way to everlasting life.

My identity: Follower of Jesus Christ.
My desire: To please God.
My purpose: To express my love for the One who died to save me by serving others and pointing to the hope of eternal life in Christ.

Are you uncertain about your identity? Do you know what your purpose is? Have your desires gone unfulfilled?

I can personally testify that this world will never guide you into truthful answers. Life on earth is terribly broken. Since the beginning there has been pain and heartache and evil and sin. Nothing in this life is certain or lasting - not money, health, riches, family, or even the length of life itself. But God broke through on a rescue mission to save us. He offered his only Son to us as a sacrifice so that through faith in him, we could have eternal life.

Faith in Jesus offers solid answers to life's big questions that Deepak and this world can't provide. Now that is truth worthy of meditation.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Soul Tan

Due to vitamin D deficiency and to help my circadian rhythm, I've been making an effort to recline in the sun for 15-20 minutes on a regular basis. My regular sun exposure has brought about something foreign and unfamiliar to me - a tan.

Because of my fair skin and impatience, I'm not really into tanning. The only time I've been remotely tan has been on childhood vacations, and even then it was more of a quick burn. However, the tan I have now reflects a build-up of multiple short sun exposures since April. It is an outward reflection of daily discipline.

It occurred to me as I was baking in my outdoor recliner today that my regular sun time had gradually changed my outward appearance just like my daily devotions gradually change my inner-self.

Making an effort to read the Bible consistently has been a struggle for me most of my life. I would get very enthusiastic and motivated, read a lot over a period of days or weeks, and then eventually slip back into sporadic reading, feeling like it wasn't making a noticeable difference.

If there's one thing I've learned from sun exposure this summer, it's that it is not the one 20-minute period that makes a noticeable difference; it is the entire collection of those repeated times that changes me. When I am in a habit of reading God's Word and praying regularly, one devotion may not create a profound impact on my thinking for that particular day, but the habit is what keeps me walking in step with God, repenting quickly when I stumble, and receiving his forgiveness and strength to keep going.

Dr. Charles Stanley once compared our life in this world to a boat on a river with a strong current. If the boat's rope is not tightened securely each morning to the dock, it will eventually drift away down the river and over the waterfall. This world is just like that current - an ever-present force working on our minds and hearts to lull us into going along without God and relying on ourselves to make it through life, ultimately to our ruin. The truth is, if our souls are not anchored to Christ, we will passively slip downstream, away from God.

I'm learning now more than ever how powerful daily habits can be. Negative daily habits can destroy us, while positive habits like prayer and Bible study will gradually change our lives for the better. Never give into the feeling that daily prayers and Bible reading don't make a difference. No matter the trials, distractions, failures, and suffering that may tend to deter you from your discipline, daily "Son exposure" gradually transforms your soul and keeps you firmly anchored to God, our Rock and our Redeemer.

And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.
2 Corinthians 3:18 (ESV)

Friday, June 10, 2011

Subsisting on Substitutes

What object, person, or dream have you longed for as your key to happiness in life? What substitute have you looked to for joy instead of Jesus?

We chase after these elusive shadows as if they were solid and lasting. However, they are only meant to stir our hunger, to redirect our gaze - pointing us toward the Author and true fulfillment of our souls.


"The book or the music in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them; it was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through them was longing...they are not the thing itself; they are only the scent of a flower we have not yet found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never yet visited."
-C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Out of Control (in The Hands of The One in Control)

"No one can tell me what I can and can't eat!"

Thus says my grandma with dementia.

It's amazing to me how dementia (much like Alzheimer's) removes all inhibitions and reveals the ugly threads that weave through human nature.

I am no exception to this nature.

When I was a kid, I was considered "strong-willed." My mom read a book about it. This trait was most readily observed by my famous toddler expression of "ME do it" anytime I was confronted with a task on which I received even the faintest suggestion of help. (Eventually I graduated to: "Let me do it on my own.")

I was also an expert at testing my boundaries. When I was a small child, I was informed that our family was going to leave my grandparents' house one evening. Not wanting to go, I refused to budge. I was then given the option of walking out on my own or being carried against my will, to which I stubbornly responded with my own defiant choice: "I'll crawl out."

Yes, God has had his hands full breaking my will to be in control. I have repeatedly been convicted of my desire to drive the boat, so to speak.

It's not hard to see why trusting God is difficult for me. My objective is to avoid discomfort, discipline, and pain. However, God frequently accomplishes his important purposes through these things. How do I respond?

My grandma's response is to lash out in the same way I used to as a child. In her state of being completely dependent on my mom and me for everything because of her failing health and mind, she tries to regain some form of control. In doing so, she defiantly asserts her will in areas that make everyone's life more difficult.

I learn a lot about my childish ways with God when I see my grandma act like that. By refusing to eat simply because she doesn't like being taken to the toilet (or being washed, or given food), she hurts herself the most.

Similarly, when I refuse to pray to God simply because I don't like the circumstances he's put me in, I, also, am hurting myself the most. I need prayer as a protection, as an outlet, as a guide, and for peace during times when life is beyond my influence. It's easy to see lack of prayer as making a point, but God does not respond to my defiant silences. He simply waits for me to come back because I'm hungry for him and nothing on this earth will fully satisfy that hunger.

Even when trials and illness make you feel completely powerless, remember that God is not the enemy. He is the one who will lead us to repentance and peace that passes all understanding, if we would just be still and trust in him.

For the Lamb at the center of the throne
will be their shepherd;
‘he will lead them to springs of living water.’
‘And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.'”
Revelation 7:17

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Blessings

This song reminded me today that my suffering has a purpose far beyond what I can see. I've never longed for Jesus like I do in times of suffering.



Blessings by Laura Story

We pray for blessings; we pray for peace,
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep.
We pray for healing, for prosperity.
We pray for your mighty hand to ease our suffering.

All the while, you hear each spoken need.
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things.

Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops?
What if your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near?

What if trials of this life, are your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, your voice to hear.
We cry in anger when we cannot feel you near.
We doubt your goodness; we doubt your love,
As if every promise from your word is not enough.

All the while, you hear each desperate plea.
And long that we'd have faith to believe.

Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops?
What if your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near?

What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win,
We know the pain reminds this heart that this is not, this is not our home.
It's not our home.


Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops?
What if your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near?

What if my greatest disappointments, or the aching of this life,
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy?


And what if trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights,
Are your mercies in disguise?

Thursday, May 12, 2011

Living Better with Dysautonomia (Help #7: The E-word)

Help #7: Exercise

I have been a neglectful blogger lately.
This is in part due to the mild apprehension I felt about writing this exercise post. To start with, POTS/dysautonomia patients are by their very nature exercise intolerant. Exercise intolerance is a crippling symptom of dysautonomia that can make staying in shape about as hard as if you had heart failure. If you suffer from POTS, strenuous exercise will in all likelihood make you feel worse, much, much worse.

That's an encouraging start to this "help" isn't it?

I have a great deal of emotion invested in this topic because I am one of many patients diagnosed with disabling POTS in spite of struggling to exercise regularly. Before my symptoms disabled me, I worked in a lab, went to school, and belonged to a gym. I pushed 3 miles on the treadmill multiple times per week, used all the weight machines (recording my progress on an official-looking chart), and routinely avoided a slimy middle-aged guy who made unwelcome comments and wore unnecessary spandex shorts. I had a gym lock and a duffle bag. In terms of fitness, I was doing everything "right."

But in spite of that, so much went wrong.

About 8 months before I became disabled, I was walking around the track and suddenly felt sick. I decided to go home and barely got in the door before my nausea, dizziness, and cramping got the best of me. A hot shower only made things worse, and I slowly faded out of consciousness while lying in bed. In the ambulance on the way to the ER, my heart rhythm was rapid with excessive PVCs. After receiving a substantial dose of IV saline, I revived, and I was told to take it easy.

This episode is evidence that even those mildly affected by POTS symptoms can have serious episodes triggered by exercise if the proper precautions are not taken. In my case, I was clearly dehydrated. I had not eaten enough before going to the gym. The timing of my menstrual cycle was against me, and I had not gotten enough sleep the night before. For a healthy person, this would not be a big deal, but with underlying POTS, these factors put me in a very vulnerable position. It's because of these important factors that I placed "exercise" as number seven in my list of helps. If diet, sleep, hydration, and other precautions such as pacing are not taken into consideration first, exercise can end in disaster for a POTS patient.

The following exercise tips I have learned by trial and error over the last 6 years. I offer them here as a source of encouragement and in hopes that you won't have to make the same mistakes I did.

Tip 1: Some types of exercises are better for dysautonomia than others.
Simple walking is my preferred type of exercise. However, I have friends who enjoy swimming because of the compressive effect of water on the body's circulation. Recumbent bike riding can be beneficial because of the ability to recline. (Upright biking exacerbated my symptoms.) Additionally, Pilates-type workouts that are done mainly while lying down can allow for greater blood flow to the head. One good DVD for supine Pilates is by Denise Austin.

Tip 2: Some types of exercise are better for YOU than others.
If you don't like bike riding, or if it makes you feel awful, then you will subconsciously avoid it. If you have obstacles to getting to the pool, then you won't go often. If you live in a rainy or cold climate, then walking outside won't be made into a habit. It's best to pick an exercise that you can do immediately if you feel up to it. I am lucky enough to have a treadmill, but there was a time when I didn't have one. I had to get creative, so I walked in a loop around a small apartment. Though simplistic, I was able to do this much more regularly than any exercise which would require me to leave home.

Tip 3: Plan a regimen that is realistic for your current abilities.
When I started a cardiac rehab program shortly after my diagnosis, I was on a beta blocker which lowered my already low blood pressure even further. I was then put on a treadmill and told to move it for 40 minutes. Now, to put things in perspective, I was so dizzy at the time that I could barely hobble from my bed into the bathroom. I had to ride in a wheelchair to get from the parking lot to my cardiologist's waiting room, where I would nearly faint sitting. Trying to do 40 minutes of walking at that time was absurd. I was monitored, so it was safely absurd, but it was a completely unreasonable expectation nonetheless. My blood pressure was regularly in the 80s over 50s, and I had to give a periodic "dizziness rating" to the tech so that she'd know how close I was to passing out. I often left rehab in a wheelchair after lying flat in recovery and felt utterly terrible for days afterward. If you can push yourself to walk 40 minutes, but it destroys you for the rest of the day (or week!), that is not beneficial. It is best to start out with what you can handle, however small that may be - even 5 to 10 minutes once or twice a week!

Tip 4: Stay below your physical limits to achieve consistency.
(This is for all your overachievers out there.)
I am the kind of person who likes to take on a challenge just because it's hard. I like to overcome obstacles, push my limits, and do the most I can possibly do at one time. I'm often tempted to "beat my best ___" time, distance, or speed. This is not helpful when it comes to conditioning with POTS. If I push my physical limit by walking at 2.8 miles per hour but can manage much better at 2.5 miles per hour, it's far superior for me to walk at the slower pace and not exhaust myself. If I start to feel sick after walking for 5 minutes, it's far better to walk for those 5 minutes than to push myself to 10 and then not walk for the next 2 weeks. A good indicator while exercising is to closely monitor your symptoms and your heart rate. Investing in a reliable heart rate monitor can help guide your level of exertion. A blood pressure cuff may help as well.

Tip 5: Skip at least a day between workouts.
The exertion of a workout (or other stressful event) may cause worsened symptoms for the rest of the day and/or a flare over the next few days (also referred to as "post-exertional malaise" or "crashing"). Post exertional-malaise is a proven symptom in patients with chronic fatigue. Our bodies do not return to baseline after a workout like a healthy person. Instead of bouncing back from walking, I can struggle for over 24 hours with increased muscle aches, dizziness, extreme fatigue, and at my worst, a swollen, sore throat (which I had just this week from overexertion). Be aware of your body's limits, and try to pace yourself accordingly by taking days of rest. It's best to give yourself a break between workouts even if you are healthy. It gives your body a chance to heal.

Tip 6: Avoiding exercise altogether is a bad idea.
There have been times when leg lifts in bed were about the extent of my ability to exercise. If you are that sick, I empathize completely and encourage you to check out Yaz exercises or yoga and deep breathing that can be done in bed (my friend has Bed Top Yoga). If you can get up and move around, it will benefit you to do so. Walking around for a sustained interval helps avoid deconditioning, aids circulation, strengthens muscles, and helps mood (which can suffer tremendously under the effects of chronic illness). Quitting all forms of exercise because of POTS is tempting, but in the end, it will not help; it will only make things worse.

Tip 7: Exercise will benefit you but is unlikely to cure you.
Exercise for dysautonomia is highly beneficial when undertaken with the proper precautions. After 6 years of strict pacing and healing, when I am well hydrated, eating nutritiously, and well rested, I find that I can now walk a significant distance (over 1 mile) without feeling dizzy. Even though I have increased my endurance over the years, I still am far from being "cured."

Does mild-to-moderate exercise help manage my condition? Definitely. However, I still suffer from many fluctuating symptoms, including post-exertional malaise. I am still not able to reliably work a job schedule or keep up with a normal life. I still have bad days and weeks stuck in bed. There are times when I curl up in a ball and literally can't move due to fatigue. There are many times I push too hard and suffer for exceeding my body's limitations (just like spending over your bank account's balance will result in hefty fees).

Exercise has been a key part of my recovery, but it is not the only answer. Be realistic in your expectations and be persistent in pursuing physical activity as tolerated. If you miss a week or a month, come back and start again slowly when you can. In that way, you will continue to teach your body how to live better with dysautonomia.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

The Case of the Missing Conductor

I was able to attend a college orchestra concert tonight. After all the performers were in place and the stage was set, the audience became quiet as we waited for the music to begin.

There was only one problem. The conductor didn't come out.

At first, I thought the few seconds of delay might be for dramatic effect, but time ticked by. Someone coughed loudly. People were looking around, shuffling in seats. Someone coughed again. Soft murmurs and low speculative chatter. The percussionists appeared to go backstage to look. I thought, "This isn't planned. Something isn't right." My friend and I exchanged glances.

Everyone waited for what seemed like 5 minutes but was probably closer to 2. Finally, the conductor emerged and quickly took her post in front of the group with her hands poised to conduct the first note. Not a word was spoken about the strange delay.

I wondered where she had been. Why had she, a respected professional, offered no explanation? What could have caused her to delay her group from beginning on time? What more than an emergency could have held her back?

Later, after the concert was over, it was revealed that she had been ready all along. The delay was because one of the orchestra members did not have a mute and could not perform any of the pieces without it. Until the mute was retrieved, the concert couldn't start.

To everyone in the audience, the conductor appeared to be at fault. However, she had mercifully covered for an unprepared member of the group.

On the way home, I started thinking about how I perceive delays in my own circumstances. My go-to person to confront and blame is God. He's the leader after all, and if he was ready to come out and make things right in this world (and in my life), then there should be no hold up. What, after all, could keep him from acting immediately when the stage appears to be set for his intervention and deliverance?

When I think this way, I fail to consider that God considers us all players in this world with him, and though he leads us, he will not force us all to be prepared for his coming. He mercifully waits, hoping that more people will come to faith in Jesus, that those of us who believe will forsake our earthly idols and begin to love him with all our hearts.

When he comes back, will you be prepared? Will you be longing for his appearing? Or are you sitting back, resting and backsliding because you think he's running late (or might never come at all)?

Be assured, the Messiah will return to earth suddenly and without warning. We are promised in scripture that we will be rewarded if we live spiritually prepared and ready for that day. In the meantime, it does me good to remember that sometimes God's delays are merciful, allowing just enough time for all the players in my life to become prepared - especially me.

I think about the valuable lessons God continues to teach me through my season of waiting, and although I want the circumstances removed right away, he uses them as tools to prepare me, to reshape me, to purify me. Tonight's experience at the concert was a reminder that He will indeed come to redeem my trials for his glory - in his merciful time.

But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.
2 Peter 3:8-9