Love's Painful Wait

Well over 6 years ago, I was badly bitten by a dog while pet sitting. I washed the bite immediately and called someone to take me to the ER. I had to wait for a long time before I was called back to be seen by a doctor, and finally I was treated and sent home.

However, the bite was deep, and the long wait combined with the wrong antibiotic had allowed a serious infection to develop. My entire hand was red and swollen, the knuckles barely visible. When I visited my doctor afterward, she was alarmed and put me on two antibiotics. I was ordered not to return to work or school, to keep my hand elevated, and to call her if the swelling spread.

I could not see any positives in this situation. The medications disturbed my sleep and gave me a rash. I got behind on all of my lectures, missed band rehearsals, and most of all felt mad that this one stupid incident was costing me weeks of productivity.

Looking back on that time now, I can see that it wasn't worthless. Because I was up late with nothing to do, I began talking online (typing one-handed) with the man who would later become my serious boyfriend. And as we discussed faith in depth with no time constraints, God used that time to begin to move his heart. Just 2 months later, he dedicated his life to Christ.

It's now easy for me to see that not only was God doing great things for his kingdom through my temporary suffering, but he also was doing great things for me.

It's interesting for me to see that Jesus has a habit of allowing temporary pain for a greater purpose.

When called by a man whose daughter was dying, Jesus stopped on the way to heal another woman who had a chronic illness and was in no danger of death. When he finally arrived at the house, the man's daughter had died. Jesus was late.

When Jesus was called by his dear friends Mary and Martha and told that their brother Lazarus was dying, Jesus again took his time. When he finally arrived to meet them, Lazarus had been dead 4 days. Late again.

In my own life, I cry out to God in prayer so often for him to help me with my physical trials, with my emotional distress, and when he doesn't relieve these issues or deliver me, I feel what these people must have felt - not only the deep anguish of my losses, but also the grieving disappointment of Jesus not loving me the way I expect him to love me.

But what I realized as I read about Lazarus today is that Jesus makes me wait BECAUSE he loves me. The wait through pain is an expression of his love.

The reason I know this is because of 2 verses in John that at first seem paradoxical:
"Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So, when he heard that Lazarus was ill, he stayed two days longer in the place where he was."

I had to re-read this several times and check my study notes. Sure enough, the notes say:
"So, therefore" shows the reason why Jesus stayed...He allowed his friends to go through the sorrow and hardship of the death and mourning of Lazarus because he loved them and wanted them to witness an amazing demonstration of Jesus' power over death.

He loved them, so he had them wait.

In my mind, this makes no sense. If I love someone, I want to be there to make everything better, to soothe, to take away the pain as soon as possible. In my human realm of thinking, pain is to be avoided at all costs.

But in the Kingdom of God, pain is not the ultimate evil to be avoided. Death and eternal separation from God is the worst possible case. Whenever Jesus can use circumstances to bring people to saving faith or to deepen the faith of those who believe, it is worth the temporary pain that may take place. It is worth the wait.

As I wait through a number of difficult trials right now, I can be tempted to see this as callous and lacking compassion. I cry out over and over to God, and yet he does not move to relieve my suffering. Through this story of Lazarus, I can be assured that as long as my pain remains, there are necessary and high-stakes eternal implications for it. But what about how I feel emotionally? Does Jesus care?

His response is to weep with me. When Mary confronted him (as I so often have), he "was deeply moved in his spirit." My Bible says this word for deeply moved is used here twice for how he feels and nowhere else in the entire New Testament. It was a "profound sorrow at the death of his friend and at the grief that his other friends had suffered." Jesus cries honest and genuine tears of sorrow when we are waiting in faith through pain. He cries with us and is deeply moved by our prayers. He intellectually understands the big picture and why we have to wait, but his emotions are with us in understanding the grief we must endure in the process.

It is the end of the wait that makes his love not late but awesome. When Jesus went to the tomb, he cried out in a loud voice, "Lazarus, come out." And after 4 days dead in the tomb, Lazarus walked out alive.

And that other man's daughter who died before Jesus arrived? Jesus raised her from the dead too.

If your circumstances look dead, if your wait seems long and cruel, if God does not answer you with deliverance when you ask, know first and foremost that he loves you. He loves not in spite of the waiting but he loves you with, through, and during the wait most of all. It is his plan to bring about glory for his kingdom and also to deepen your faith and bring blessing to you.

Know also that he cries with you. He himself has suffered brutality and can empathize perfectly with you. He is deeply moved by your cries and your disappointment expressed honestly and openly to him.

And most important of all, know this: "Jesus said to her, 'I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die.' "

He has the power to raise others from the dead. He has the power to raise himself from the dead. And in the last day, he will raise the whole world with just the sound of his voice. Jesus is the resurrection. He is the life beyond the grave. By believing and waiting on him, we set ourselves up to see greater things than we could ever imagine. He hasn't just come to bandage up the broken pieces of our lives. He has come to give us new life in Him.

Better than a Buick

Just today, I was watching Ellen. She was recognizing someone who had done a lot of good works in the community (who herself had very little to live on and was asking for help). When the woman got called up on stage, it was very moving because this person who had worked for a long time without recognition was finally receiving reward. I saw her receive a new car, and then when they came back from the break, she also received 10,000 dollars. It reminded me of this verse:

"If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"
Matthew 7:11

I thought, if a mere human can reward another human for good works so richly and extravagantly, then imagine the gifts we will receive from God for doing his work in his name and asking him for help.

It's a challenge for me to remain encouraged when I feel as sick as I have the past few days. I seem to repeat the familiar chronic-illness-cycle of pushing too hard and then paying the price. I get discouraged because my emotional ability to cope well with my family's ongoing struggles is eroded by my physical weakness. At my sickest, I also feel the most powerless, the most irritable, and the least effective for God.

The reward on this TV show today reminded me of how long we sometimes have to labor quietly in dark times before we receive blessing for our obedience. If you are struggling alone and feel like you are not making progress in your trials, be encouraged by this quote from George D. Watson (a Wesleyan minister from the 20th century):

"The Lord may let others be honored and put forward while keeping you hidden in obscurity because He wants to produce some choice, fragrant fruit for His coming glory, which can only be produced in the shade."

Though we may feel that nothing is changing in our circumstances, we can trust God to grow the fruit of his character in our lives as we quietly wait and labor for him.

“No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love him”
1 Corinthians 2:9

When God's Not In A Hurry to Fix It

I confess that sometimes I can have some really negative thoughts about people getting quick, miraculous answers to prayer. I just finished reading the book "At Home in Mitford," which is about a fictional pastor in a small southern town. The book is comfortable to read because the problems that occur are resolved in a fast, tidy way after asking God for help. The lost boy was found, the kidnapped dog came home, the young sick woman got a heart transplant. I could go on, but those are enough spoilers.

My impression while reading the book was one of vague annoyance at times. "Real life doesn't always work like this!" I thought in my heart. My own family has been suffering for years, and God has not fixed this! I finished the book, and before Bible study yesterday, I cried out to God something like this:

I know you love me and you're faithful, but it's so hard for me to keep going like this. I get so weak seeing my loved ones suffering emotionally and physically. I can't fix this, and I'm waiting on you to do it, but you're not moving! Please come. Please help me. Please show me what to do. I just want to hear you speak.

More than the words, it was the emotion that streamed out of me to God, opening up and pouring out what I keep pressed deep down inside. I try to seal up my painful feelings so I can just cope day to day.

I watched the video at Bible study last night and took in the practical teaching about spiritual warfare. I was reminded that the Enemy is the ultimate counterfeit and has a plan for my life to try to tear me away from God, make me doubt Him, and erode my faith and trust. It alerted me to how much I have to be on guard to protect my faith during this time when I am so prone to discouragement and despair of God ever moving in my circumstances.

When I began my first reading for the week this morning, I was face to face with a lesson all about my feelings of discouragement with God. The lesson covered David fleeing from Saul and giving up hope of surviving. He said in his heart, "One of these days I will be destroyed by the hand of Saul. The best thing I can do is to escape to the land of the Philistines."

The study then pointed me to Psalm 10 where David pours out his heart to God in much the same way I did - asking God why he allows wicked and arrogant people to succeed and seems to turn a blind eye to evil. When God's not in a hurry to fix our difficult situations or stop evil, what are we supposed to do?

David, a faithful man who spoke from experience, laid it all out:
"But you, O God, do see trouble and grief;
you consider it to take it in hand.
The victim commits himself to you;
you are the helper of the fatherless."

The victim (the helpless) commits himself to God. This is a decision of the will that no matter how bad things get, my allegiance will not waver. I must be "all in" with God, daily renewing my commitment to Him rather than yielding to my own anger or fear.

This psalm says that God does three actions for those who come to him hurting:
1) He hears the desires of the afflicted.
2) He strengthens (encourages) their hearts.
3) He inclines his ear (listens) to their cries.

Since we have a good God who knows our desires, encourages us, and listens to our cries, we have to keep going in the face of not getting what we expect. We have to love him for who he is rather than what we receive.

At the end of the lesson for today, Beth Moore suggested two verses to give both hope and direction when we feel like life will never get any better. Here is what we are to do when our problems aren't getting fixed:

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
Galatians 6:9

"So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good."
1 Peter 4:19

The repeated call to commit to God and do good during long times of suffering is my battle plan from God's Word. I must daily wake up and commit my heart to the Lord. I must actively seek out ways to do good to others. By doing these things, I keep my heart from soaking in bitterness, anger, and self-pity, and in the process, I defeat the devil by blessing other people and bringing God glory. I don't do good to earn God's love and approval or to bribe him into helping me. The work I do is out of love for my Master who first loved me. I must work with a fully surrendered spirit, trusting that he will do what is best for my life and that the best may hurt for a time.

It's Spiritual Survival 101 - Commit to God and Do Good. Let's not grow weary as we wait expectantly on the Lord who saves.

The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.
Lamentations 3:25-26

Endurance

Ever feel like walking the path of faith is a monumental struggle?

Do you feel weak and overwhelmed as you try to hang on to God through tough times that never seem to end?

Here is an encouraging thought about faith from Jan Karon's book At Home in Mitford:

"I've never been one for physical exercise," she said, "but what God does with our faith must be something like workouts. He sees to it that our faith gets pushed and pulled, stretched, and pounded, taken to its limits so its limits can expand."

Rescued

While I was watching TV tonight, I saw footage of one of the Chilean miners emerging from the rescue capsule for his first taste of fresh air in 69 days.

As he embraced his wife and the crowd cheered in loud cries of victory, I could feel tears begin to well up in my eyes. The power of that moment was profound. Reporters claimed that there were no dry eyes in the media area as hope for each of the 33 trapped lives was fulfilled one by one.

It occurred to me as I watched that I feel a similar sense of wonder when I see a birth or a baptism take place, and as I thought about it more tonight, it makes sense why. The mine collapse is a tragedy that is strikingly symbolic of the broken condition of our world. The fall of mankind has been trapping all who ever lived on earth in the web of personal sin and in the sins of others. We all fall victim to the domino-like consequences that bind us in illness, broken relationships, fear, insecurity, and feelings of hopelessness. As we wrestle to break free ourselves, sin just seems to entangle us more. The harder we try, the more we fail. In the darkness, there is no way out.

That is until the drill breaks through from the surface, and the path to life becomes possible for us. Jesus broke through into this world when he was born, and like that precious rescue capsule "The Phoenix," his death and resurrection offer us a safe transport to the surface. If we get in and take that ride with him, we transfer from certain death to life.

When I think about the unimaginable suffering that those miners endured, it's a powerful reminder for me to give thanks to God, not only for the miraculous rescue of all 33 lives, but also for the even greater rescue effort God has put into place for each of us living in this broken world today. Chilean President Sebastian Pinera spoke about the impending rescue in language that mirrors the rescue mission of Christ:

"It will be a true rebirth, not just for the miners but for the spirit of unity, strength, faith and hope they have shown our country and the world."

When we choose to turn from our sins and follow Christ, we experience a true rebirth into eternal life that can never perish, spoil, or fade away. If you haven't yet chosen Jesus as your savior, consider the words of one young trapped miner who pondered the reasons for his 69-day suffering:

"God wanted me to stay here, I do not know why.

Maybe for me to change."

I don't always understand why God keeps me in a place of hardship, but I do know that God is working on changing me. God often wields suffering as a tool to get our attention before it's too late. Though we are trapped in a world that is filled with sorrow, hardship, evil, death, and pain, be assured that God's Spirit is working a rescue mission that is first spiritual and invisible but will soon become physical. We may not see it now, but gradually, he works to bring about change in our hearts so that we turn ever more toward Him. Remember that though you walk in darkness now, the rescue from death to life is only a prayer away.

Jesus declared, "I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again."

"How can a man be born when he is old?" Nicodemus asked. "Surely he cannot enter a second time into his mother's womb to be born!"

Jesus answered, "I tell you the truth, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit. Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit. John 3:3-5

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. John 3:16-17

Picture from dailymail.co.uk
Quotes from mirror.co.uk

The Skinny Mitten

This weekend, while I organized some of my knitting projects, I dug into an old bag buried in the back of my closet.

I peered inside, picking up the handle of the worn and crumpled plastic with care. Multitudes of old paper yarn wrappers spilled out, and as I prodded a bit further, I saw the fuzz of an unfinished blue mitten weighing down the bottom of the bag.

Now, a little background about this mitten: It was made during the period of time shortly after I had gotten sick/disabled. I was trying to find something to do that would distract my whirling mind but not make demands on my broken body. It just so happened that I had been taught to crochet some basic stitches a few years before, and so after a scarf or two and a few squares for a baby blanket, I decided to try my hand at a "useful" project. In order to do this, I needed to ramp up my skill level to "mitten." At the "mitten level," I imagined myself cranking out multitudes of soft pairs of perfect mittens for all my friends at Christmas. After all, how hard could it be to make a mitten?

I plunged into Project Mitten full force. I began with a ball of the softest blue yarn I could find. It was fuzzy, twisted, and a deep sapphire color. Unfortunately, each stitch with this yarn was a battle. I couldn't keep my hook from snagging and tugging every few stitches, and because the yarn was so fuzzy, I had trouble seeing what I was doing. It made counting and following the pattern very difficult. However, I stubbornly pushed forward in my quest for making a legitimate article of clothing.

This, of course, proved to be ill-fated. Much to my chagrin, as I donned the mitten in preparation to sew up the side, it extended far beyond my fingers yet could barely close around my palm. It was the longest, skinniest, ugliest mitten I'd ever seen. I even tried it on my grandma who has the slimmest hands of the family. I'm pretty sure she laughed when she saw it.

There I was, stuck with a blue, bulky, cumbersome mitten that couldn't even close around my hand. I had just poured hours of blood, sweat, and tears into this useless thumbed garment, and I was faced with the dilemma of either making a second disfigured twin to match or to attempt an altogether shorter mitten which might fit properly but sadly would not match the first. The third option (that I felt unmentionable at the time) was to rip the whole thing out and start again, but after all my toil, I just couldn't face starting once more, and besides, I didn't think the fuzzy yarn would retain its integrity after being subjected to my inexperienced crochet hook again. I did the only logical thing.

I stuffed it in a plastic grocery bag, forgot about it, and made my friends little scarves instead.

So this weekend (about 4 years later), as I gingerly pulled my decidedly sad blue friend from the bonds of crumpled plastic, I recalled the history of the skinny mitten and decided that enough time had passed for me to say farewell. I considered tossing it in the trash, but for some reason, ripping out the yarn to use again seemed like more humane treatment for something that had required so much of my precious energy. I began to wiggle the loose strands in order to start the process of pulling out the overly tight stitches. It unraveled like a cap gun the faster I pulled. Pop, pop, pop went each stitch as I wound the yarn around my hand.

As the ball over my fist grew bigger, it suddenly struck me how sticky and cheap the yarn felt to the touch. It was as if strands of chemicals were leaving a residue on my fingers. I marveled at the fact that I had once considered this the "softest" yarn around.

Sometime after the mitten fiasco, I remember stumbling into a yarn store where my friend led me to my life-changing encounter with natural fiber yarn. I had at first dismissed this idea as boring since the yarn wasn't available in flashy colors or laced with fringe, sparkles, or ribbon. However, I later agreed to try it. The incredible softness and ease of use converted me on the spot. I finally saw the light of how much better natural fiber yarns could be. Instead of struggling with each stitch of acrylic yarn, my projects with genuine wool became enjoyable and fun.

As I disentangled the old, sticky, mitten mess, I suddenly saw an example of how easy it is to settle for (and even adore) an artificial substitute when I haven't yet tasted the real thing. When I started crocheting, I had never been exposed to natural yarns. I didn't understand the difference between yarn that came straight from a sheep and strands from a chemistry beaker. Now I can tell the difference instantly, and it's a big difference.

I have a history of settling for artificial substitutes in other areas of my life too - like the many years I indulged in processed foods and high-sugar snacks to boost my mood instead of "boring" whole fruits and vegetables. Food packed with nutrition was the real thing, but I passionately preferred that which was man-made. In settling for the fraudulent delicacies, I was cheating myself out of feeling better simply for the sake of instant gratification.

Of course, most importantly, I see the same parallel spiritually. I'm guilty of looking to the "artificial" here on earth to fill my needs. Like with the acrylic yarn, I once ignorantly settled for entertainment, achievement, affirmation, and relationships to keep me feeling good, pushing God to the side where I could fit him in. Even as a Christian, I didn't understand emotionally that Jesus is the true source of all comfort, satisfaction, acceptance, and love. I kept looking for these things in people and experiences, not realizing I was just setting up idols for myself.

What changed me is that ALL of those artificial substitutes failed to comfort me when troubled times hit. I had to find better answers because of the deep pain. Suffering through trial has forced me to recognize the impotence of my substitutes and to seek an emotional connection with my Savior Jesus, who sustains me and gives me genuine joy.

When Christ comes back, all the worldly things that we lived for here will be destroyed. Jesus will remain, and those who choose to trust him will taste eternal life. On that day, no substitutes will do.

Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.
1 John 2:15-17

Hungry for More

I'm now about 2-1/2 weeks into my new low-carb diet recommended by my doctor. I'm past the intense sugar cravings, and I've settled into a kind of protein-veggie rhythm, punctuated by sweet potatoes and unsweetened yogurt.

It's been a curious experience to reroute my appetite like a riverbed. My once bread-based diet has changed, and the benefits are noticeable.

One change that has surfaced above all else is that my overwhelming desire to feel better has trumped the once captivating allure of comforting desserts. It's become much more important to have a deeper level of constant well-being than to settle for the highs and lows of blood sugar spikes and crashes.

Realizing this has given me more resolve to continue with my treatment plan and to stick to a diet I once thought I could not maintain for more than a day or two tops.

This deeper level of physical peace is very similar to the deeper level of spiritual peace that God is trying to teach me. Today, I read a short article on the "Desiring God" blog called "The Sin of Not Wanting Enough." The heart of the article is that we need to want more from God than just the circumstantial comforts of health, well-being, and a pleasant life. Like sugars, these things are wonderful and satisfying for a time, but when they don't last, the cycle of high-then-crash can be painful and rocky.

When it comes to desiring God, we have to desire him for who he is - his truth, his promises, his saving grace. When we hunger for Jesus and take him in regularly through reading his word, we maintain our "spiritual blood sugar" and can have peace in all circumstances, even during the most distressing and terrible trials. Jesus provides long-term comfort that does not fade or wear out.

I have to be real and admit that in my humanity I spend a lot of time praying and hungering for better circumstances, for a "normal" life, for happiness that is due to what's around me rather than what's inside me.

Reading this quote today reminded me of where my heart needs to look in order to be anchored and how powerful I can be when Jesus gives me peace that can't be shaken.

By faith we are comforted that all things, no matter how painful or sweet, will work together for our good, reaping eternal benefits that are so wonderful that they can’t even be compared to our grief (1 Peter 1:6, Romans 8:28). True faith believes that God is good and rewards those who seek him (Hebrews 11:6).

If as Christians we are called to endure difficult trials and yet always receive temporal blessings like health and safety, our peace could not rightly be called the “peace that passes understanding”. It would actually be quite reasonable.

If you hunger and thirst for righteousness, blessed are you! (Matthew 5:6)