Worn

There are days when I can't put into words how worn I feel by the years of struggle. My prayers feel stagnant, ineffective, and repetitious. Discouragement washes over me in waves as I wait for relief.

Today, I heard a song on the radio that can sing for me in those times when it feels like my head is being held underwater. If you feel this kind of weariness, let this song be your cry too. Redemption will win. The struggle will end.
 
"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." -Hebrews 12:2


Worn - by Tenth Avenue North

Gutting the House

Have you ever seen "Property Brothers" on HGTV? Two twin brothers (a realtor, Drew, and a contractor, Jonathan) help their clients buy an old house and turn it into a dream home on a budget. I like it because it's a makeover show. They just use tools and paint instead of clothes and lipstick.

Rotten subfloor. Demolition condition.
(HGTV - Property Brothers: High End Home/Rob & Jessica)

With each old home they remodel, a few major "issues" get uncovered during the process. On one episode, a master bathroom was torn out and looked like a complete mess. The toilet was hauled out; the shower stall was knocked down. As usual, the house, which was an extraordinary investment of money, looked like it was worse off than when they began their work.  In fact, a serious problem had even been uncovered that could threaten the very structure of the house.

Jonathan said: "It's true that it's darkest before the dawn because in a demolition, we make these rooms look really bad before we build them up to be beautiful."

When he said that, it helped me to gain perspective on some of the extra "demolition" God has been doing in my life lately. Over the past six weeks, I've been reeling from a series of crises that happened over the holidays. The end result was a major setback for my family, as well as my health and quality of life. My sleep schedule was torn up. My mom was ill, and my grandma was in worse condition than ever. I received some bad news, even though I'd prayed and tried to do everything right. I was powerless to stop any of these things from happening.

Tense, frustrated, and feeling like I needed to get off this roller coaster ride, I did what I instinctively do when I feel upset with God. I pulled back. I justified it by the fact I wasn't awake for my morning devotions anymore. But this didn't address the underlying reason that I pulled back because I did not like what I was feeling or experiencing. God wanted me to trust him, but he was asking me to trust him when everything was going wrong - still - after years and years of injustice and problems and many urgent prayers pleading for Him to change things. I pulled back, even though I knew it was wrong and dangerous because I've been down this road before. I confess I've let my feelings lead me instead of my faith.

Plagued by an excess of bad dreams, doubts, questions, and ups and downs in my health during this time, I have continued to struggle. So it's fitting that this TV show reminded me that there is more to God's plan than just the gutting of my life. It's for a purpose. There are reasons I don't understand. There are also problems to repair that can only be uncovered by decimating the excuses I use like fig leaves. There are rotten areas of sin that need to be ripped out and replaced so they don't spread and fester beneath a socially acceptable facade.

And yet there is even more to anticipate. When the renovation is complete, when God has had his way, when I trust him to pick the right accessories and frame the new features, the big reveal will show the miraculous result of what he has done painstakingly in me through years of trial. Pain is part of the demolition process, and God knows that though our previous way of life looked serviceable enough from the outside, there is so much to fix. Only he can see what is underneath the floor. Only he can visualize the finished project. Right now, I am in the room stripped bare, with insulation hanging out in tufts. The floor is rotten with holes. I am in repair mode, under construction.

Before is tolerable, unstable, and limited.  After is beautiful, stable, and useful.
(HGTV - Property Brothers: High End Home/Rob & Jessica)

But I must trust the contractor (which is what I want to yell at the TV every time I watch shows like these). And this reminder is what I need now to help me keep going.

If you are in a state of demolition with God, do you trust him to finish the job? Will you stick with him though the pain feels unbearable and you look around to see only ugliness and senseless suffering? Remember that Jesus is our master carpenter. When we invite him into our hearts as Lord, he starts a home improvement project and will spare nothing to make it perfect. We become his dwelling on earth when we believe Jesus died for our sins. His Spirit lives in us, so be strong and courageous. The process is painful and confusing, but he's working to stabilize, improve, and beautify your soul as you await your eternal home.

"He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
Philippians 1:6

When I feel weak

I cannot do it alone; 
  The waves surge fast and high,
And the fogs close all around,
  The light goes out in the sky;
But I know that we two 
  Will win in the end, 
    Jesus and I.

Cowardly, wayward, and weak,
  I change with the changing sky;
Today so eager and bright,
  Tomorrow too weak to try;
But He never gives in,
  So we two will win,
    Jesus and I.

I could not guide it myself,
  My boat on life's wild sea;
There's One who sits by my side,
  Who pulls and steers with me.
And I know that we two
  Will safe enter port,
    Jesus and I.

-from "Streams in the Desert"

When it costs to believe

One of the hidden snares of waiting on God is the temptation to be resentful when he delivers other people quickly.

Like a rabbit pulled up by a well-laid trap and dangling by one foot, I have wriggled around in futility, pulling this way and that, demanding to know why, grumbling and complaining, comparing and envying.

Why does another person experience resolve, healing, instant understanding, freedom, and restoration, all while I continue to go through circumstances that are isolating, confusing, unpleasant, and unresolved?  Where is God in all this?

I think from a human perspective, it's natural to measure our success by tangible outcomes. How good is she at baking? Well, her cake sure tasted good! Is he a good musician? His concert was excellent! Conditioned to measure success based our our senses, we are left at a disadvantage when it comes to spiritual matters.

If someone were to ask how much faith a person has, we can't simply look at whether they suffer or prosper. The famous passage about faith in Hebrews 11 says that people of faith both "escaped the edge of the sword" (v. 34) and "were killed with the sword." (v. 37)

If there is no guaranteed earthly outcome for people of faith, how can we remain steady?  How do we cope when God allows us to hurt for a long time rather than instantly deliver?

We can gain insight by looking at Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, the Jewish exiles living in Nebuchadnezzar's court in Babylon. Trying hard to hold on to their Jewish identity and committed to worshiping the true God, they refused to bow down to worship a giant golden statue. When their behavior was brought to Nebuchadnezzar's attention, they were about to face certain death. Before being bound and tossed into the fire, they acknowledged two potential outcomes of their faith:

"If this be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king. But if not, be it known to you, O king, that we shall not serve your gods or worship the golden image that you have set up." Daniel 3:17-18

It's this attitude that we can adopt as our own when we face what appear to be certain consequences for choosing the path of faith.  When others mistreat us or when we suffer difficulty and setbacks for obeying God, He is deserving of our complete devotion, no matter the cost. Yet regardless of the repercussions, we have this assurance: he is present with us in the trial.

Once the men were thrown into the fire at the order of the enraged king, something extraordinary happened. The king asked:

"Did we not cast three men bound into the fire?" (v. 24)

His men affirmed that this was true. And the astonished king responded:

"But I see four men unbound, walking in the midst of the fire, and they are not hurt; and the appearance of the fourth is like a son of the gods." (v. 25)

It was God's presence in the furnace with them that brought tears of joy to my eyes this morning. Likewise, Jesus is in the furnace with me and with you through faith. We "consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men so that [we] will not grow weary and lose heart" when we suffer quietly yet see others quickly rescued.

So where is God when he allows the outcomes we sometimes see as failures? He is the fourth man in the furnace with us, sent to rescue us sinners who are thrown into the fires of this world. Through faith like that of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, we will arrive one day in heaven, not even smelling of smoke.

When you pass through the waters,
    I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.

For I am the Lord, your God,
    the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;

(Isaiah 43:2-3)

When all I can do is "not do."

Though I haven't written as often this year, God is teaching me during my inactivity. He's calling me to live in trust and reminding me, when I accuse him of not caring, that he gave his life for me. This act of supreme sacrifice means that he is involved in every detail of my pain, that he could not be more present or involved in my struggles. Though he appears to be sleeping in the stern while the storm is swamping my life, he is in total control of even the most powerful forces.

During a dangerous storm that threatened their boat, the disciples woke Jesus and asked "Don't you care if we drown?" and I have asked the same question in similar words. He responded to them (and to me) like a father wounded by his child's lack of trust: "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?"

In Him I must trust. On Him I must wait.

If you feel today like God has hemmed you in, isolated you, or prevented you from serving him in the ways you had planned, remember the "service of waiting" as George Matheson did when he considered God's restrictions and limitations on Paul's missionary journey:

Sometimes I have been interrupted in what seemed to be quite productive work. And at times, opposition came and forced me to go back, or sickness came and forced me to rest in some isolated place.

During such times, it was difficult for me to leave my work unfinished when I believed it was a service done in the power of His Spirit. But I finally remembered that the Spirit requires not only a service of work but also a service of waiting. I came to see that in the kingdom of Christ, there are not only times for action but times to refrain from action. And I also came to learn that a place of isolation is often the most useful place of all in this diverse world.  (...)

[Holy Spirit,] Help me to find, even in the area of service where you have closed a door, a new entrance into your service. Inspire me with the knowledge that that a person may sometimes be called to serve by doing nothing, by staying still, or by waiting.
-George Matheson (Streams in the Desert)

This waiting in faith requires me to slow down and determine to seek God's presence daily, not just go through motions while gritting my teeth.

Waiting upon God is vital in order to see Him and receive a vision from Him. And the amount of time spent before Him is also critical, for our hearts are like a photographer's film - the longer exposed, the deeper the impression. For God's vision to be impressed upon our hearts, we must sit in stillness at His feet for quite a long time. Remember, the troubled surface of a lake will not reflect an image.
- Dr. Pardington (Streams in the Desert)

In your walk with God, it's easy to get frustrated and angry at his delays and inaction. But his purposes are not always visible. He is doing a work in you that he promises to bring to completion. It's up to us to wait with trust.

"And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." Philippians 1:6 (NLT)

Song Therapy (and Warfare)

When emotions press down on me - fear, anxiety, sadness, and frustration - how do I fight back? When I am weak, how can I possibly endure the grip of dark thoughts closing in, threatening to pin me like a Greco-Roman wrestler?

King David reminded his downcast soul to hope in God in Psalm 42, and he reminded his soul to bless God in Psalm 103. He instructed himself to praise when his negative feelings became too much. But these psalms were more than just written reminders; these were lyrics to songs that washed over the singer. In times of overwhelming trouble, we heal and we fight by resolutely singing praise to the God who made us.

Is your soul downcast today? Do you need to go against every negative emotion you feel and decide to praise God for his infinite love, mercy, kindness, and power? Here is a song that might help:

10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman
 
Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me, bless his holy name! 
Psalm 103:1

Lessons from Louie

Last night, I cried at Bible study. It's not something I prefer to do in public, but we watched a video called "The Anchor of Hope: When Life Hurts Most" by Louie Giglio. He described the pain that does not resolve by 9 AM the next morning, the soul-shaking trials that make us question God.

As he read an email from a young man genuinely struggling with why God did not answer his prayers to save his sister's life, I could hear the echo of my own words. I've felt those things, written those things so many times. I've read books and prayed and discussed, but sometimes my soul still cries out like a child asking where God is when I hurt.

Louie admitted he was left speechless by the painful email but that God reveals five things we can cling to when this hurricane of a spiritual storm assails us. Those five things are found in the cross of Jesus.

1) At the cross, we see God loves us. 

"How could God love me if he's letting this happen?" At the cross we find that we are loved deeply by God, enough to allow his Son to be tortured, rejected, and brutally murdered for us. Not only this, but he loved us first, while we were still rebellious against him. He paid what he knew we could never pay so we could have eternal life.

2) At the cross, we see God allows human freedom but maintains control.

God allowed soldiers and leaders and the crowd to crucify Jesus, but Pilate was reminded that the only power he had had come from above. God was in total control of the crucifixion, allowing men to freely make evil choices all for His ultimate purpose of salvation.

3) At the cross, we see God can use the worst circumstances for eternal good.

It doesn't get much worse, humanly speaking, than to see the Son of the eternal God hanging bloody and dead on a cross between two criminals. On Good Friday, it appeared as if God had allowed the worst to happen. If we were witnesses on that day, we would not see the salvation that God had planned. The Son of Man had been executed, but through that horrific event and the resurrection, everlasting life became available to all people, as well as the complete forgiveness of sin.

4) At the cross, we see God paints on a canvas bigger than we can understand.

It's impossible for us to have the eternal perspective on our circumstances that God does. When he orders events, it's not just for immediate satisfaction but for eternal sanctification. He is more concerned about eternal matters, and that can sometimes be the reason our finite minds can't comprehend why the pain lasts and lasts.

5) At the cross, God proves he understands our pain.

Jesus was fully man and fully God at the same time. As hard as it is to grasp, Jesus suffering on this earth and dying the way he did enabled him to experientially relate to us in a completely sympathetic way. He was tested and tempted beyond what we've ever faced and knew the agony of pain. He is the only one who can perfectly understand what you're going through right now, and that is of the utmost importance when we feel lonely and misunderstood in trial.

To me, the points of this message boiled down to God saying these 5 things:

"I love you."

"I'm in control."

"I'm working this all for good."

"I can see the bigger picture you can't yet see."

"I understand."

Like a trace of unearthed gold catching the sun, I can sometimes see glimmers of pain's hidden purposes - to better sympathize with others, to grow more dependent upon and more in love with Jesus, to develop the patience and endurance God desires in me. But for those times I can't see any purpose, when the suffering is real and overwhelming, I can rest in the sure hope of the cross and my Savior who suffered there for me.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”
John 16:33