Colors of Qavah

Stay the Course

2012-02-12T11:42:00.001-05:00

About a week ago, The Patriot was on TV. For you ladies, that's the movie with Mel Gibson and Heath Ledger. If you're a guy, that's the bloody 2000 film about revenge, the Revolutionary War, and the role of the colonial militia's guerrilla tactics.

Anyway, since I had seen it before, my mind was wandering a bit after a series of tragedies in the movie, one of which was the final blow for the main character (Benjamin Martin). He lost his son. His friend, Colonel Burwell, came to talk to him about how much he was needed to fight the next battle, but Martin was engulfed in grief.

Col. Harry Burwell: I'll help you bury him. [referring to Martin's recently killed son]

Benjamin Martin: I'll bury him.

Col. Harry Burwell: My wife in Alexandria is with child, my first. I fight for that child... Benjamin, nothing will replace your sons, but if you come with us, you can justify their sacrifice.

Benjamin Martin: Why?... Why do men feel they can justify death? Is it arrogance or... [voice trails off] I have long feared that my sins would return to visit me... and the cost is more than I can bear.

Col. Harry Burwell: Benjamin, we have a chance. Greene and Dan Morgan are down from Virginia. If we win this next battle, victory in the war is within our grasp.

Benjamin Martin: Go then, seek your victory. I'm a small issue to it.

Col. Harry Burwell: You're wrong Benjamin; you matter to your men, and to others as well. Your victories and... and your losses, are shared by more than you know. Stay with us. Stay the course!

Benjamin Martin: I have run my course.

When Burwell spoke those words in bold, I was almost startled at the force they took on for my situation. Pulled back into the movie by that dialogue alone, I watched closely to see how Martin would respond. I too felt beaten by a long battle that was fraught with loss and discouragement. I too felt pushed to the sidelines, isolated, unable to do anything of much value because of my illness and circumstances that keep me tied to the bed and couch.

But when I saw Martin unfurl the American flag his late son had patched with his own hands and ride up alongside the cheering militia - with tears, I realized the significance of rising above the pain God allows in our lives. Those who know us see the power of the Holy Spirit living in us. The victory is already his, and he shares it with us. We have reason to hold our heads high and ride proudly into each spiritual battle, knowing that our victories and losses matter to more than we know - especially to our Commander, Jesus Christ.

If you are feeling beaten physically, devastated emotionally, or crushed by doubt and despair spiritually, do not forget this image of victory. It's the power of our sins and losses redeemed as we ride under the banner of the Kingdom of the Son who died for us. This is what will carry believers into triumph.

The Patriot: "Stay the Course"

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Hebrews 12:1-3

Transformed

2012-01-05T14:55:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, I was struggling with a devotion that said I needed to believe God would answer my urgent prayers as if I had already received the answer of "yes."

"This is not realistic," my heart said.

Sometimes God answers our urgent prayers with, "no." But that should not diminish my faith. How can I pray with faith and yet still feel such discouragement, fear, and uncertainty about the future? This troubled me as I closed the book and skipped my prayer time.

I thought about this as I worked on a crochet project during the afternoon. The rhythmic movement of my fingers, hook, and yarn gave me plenty of time for thought.

What is it that I can be sure that God will do for me in this life? What is something I can pray for and be sure that I will receive it, as sure as if it has already happened?

Suddenly, it hit me: God will redeem my suffering. None of this pain is wasted. It is all for His glory.

Some pain in life is considered valuable - labor that brings forth a new baby, hard training by an Olympic athlete, rehabilitation for a stroke victim. It is pain with a purpose. When we tend to lose heart is when we feel we are suffering pain without a purpose. Long years of struggle with no end in sight and only a miracle or death as the way out can feel endless and without use. How can God use this quiet, secret pain? I am not on TV. I am not famous. No one will hear of my tragedy. My struggles are hidden and not well understood, even by me.

But by believing in Christ, I can be sure that all my grief will be turned to joy. My troubles are achieving for me an eternal glory that far outweighs the pain. Like a mother holding her newborn, the excruciating labor will have been worth it. Like a gold medalist on the podium, the intense struggle to overcome will make the victory all the more sweet.

When I wonder how this powerful reversal can possibly be true in my situation, I consider the altered book artist Guy Laramee. He took old, dusty books that appeared to be of no use or value and transformed them into the beautiful, valuable sculptures of landscapes pictured here. Sometimes, I think I spend so much time focused on how the book of my life is written and what will happen in the next chapter that I forget: God is in the business of transforming, like a skilled artist. He transforms sinners into saints. He transforms the pain of loss into ministries of comfort. And in Christ, he transforms death into life. My pain is not wasted in God's hands.

I believe we will be blown away by what God can do with our grief if we give it to him. He "is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us."

Merry Christmas

2011-12-25T10:32:00.000-05:00

A dear friend of mine sent me an article about being in pain over Christmas. It talked about God drawing near to us by being born on earth as Jesus. Because of his sacrifice, we can freely offer up our brokenness to him, rather than trying to cover it with false holiday cheer.

To those who are hurting on a day when everyone else seems so happy, may you feel the comfort of Emmanuel in your heart. He, who made the ear, hears your cries. He, who formed the eye, sees your pain. Invite him into your heart and into your loss. He promises to come again and make all things new.

May this song bring you comfort this Christmas day.

"Behold, a virgin shall be with child, and shall bring forth a son, and they shall call his name Emmanuel, which being interpreted is, God with us."Matthew 1:23

I've got to be honest...

2011-12-21T12:15:00.000-05:00

The past 8 weeks have been difficult for me. Shortly after my flu shot in October, I had the tingling reaction in my face and limbs and then was diagnosed with an infection that caused mono-like symptoms. Despite 2 rounds of antibiotics, my symptoms persisted and eventually culminated in an endless sinus infection.

After the triumphant health progress from my treatment this summer and fall, with a strict gluten-free diet, avoiding sugar, and adding L-glutamine powder to heal my damaged gut, I felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me. Back to being sick. Back to being in bed. Losing the conditioning and strength I felt from walking. It all just seemed like one more loss. And for how long?

As I struggle through the third round of antibiotics, still with symptoms, I pray for God's healing and that this infection won't turn chronic, requiring months of antibiotics and complications. I feel despair. I feel a sense that God is not listening and that I cannot hope for more than what I have right now.

My feelings have overwhelmed me as my grandma continues to sink deeper into the confusion of dementia and becomes needier and more unreasonable. She hits and insults to the point where you'd think it was her greatest pleasure to strike emotionally in the rawest of sensitive areas. Yet her life lingers on, and her true personality was never like this, so we have to remember her as she was. We honor her first because we honor Christ and the life he gave to her, but also because when my mom and I were children, she honored us with exceptional love and care. It does not make my mom's months of sleepless nights and countless bathroom trips with her any easier, but it gives us perspective that her generous soul is trapped in a broken mind and failing body.

It is with a heavy heart that I also confess to our stalking situation not being resolved. I have written about this only briefly and sporadically before on my blog because it is a situation that confounds logic and sounds blatantly unbelievable, but we've continued to have evidence of home intrusion, missing items, harassment in public, and vandalism. My mom has been hurt, and I honestly feel like God is allowing this without anyone to help. My dad has left us in this situation without protection.

I wait on the Lord today in discouragement. There is still hope buried somewhere deep down in there. But when my mom is showing me new injuries on her body and my grandma is talking to a hallucination in the next room, I find myself asking, "O Lord, how much longer?" At a time when I feel my weakest, my burdens feel the heaviest. And I come to Him and say, "You must take these things from me because I am not equipped to handle them." And still I wait. Each day feels like the movie "Groundhog Day," as if the same horrible song replays from the moment I awake.

I have got to be honest that sometimes waiting on God does not involve bright new insights every week. Sometimes circumstances don't change for the better just because you pray and beg for relief. There is faith that lasts in spite of not smiling, not feeling encouraged, and being betrayed by those entrusted to protect. There is faith that lasts through secret pain so bad that no one knows the depth but Christ himself. There are circumstances so awful that they are difficult to believe, even for the very people living through them. The faith that survives these things is what I want. It eventually comes forth as gold, refined by raging fire. But I've got to be honest. Today I am feeling the flames.

"How long, O LORD? Will you hide yourself forever? How long will your wrath burn like fire? Remember how short my time is!"Psalm 89:46-47

Stronger

2011-11-05T11:42:00.002-04:00

It will be two weeks tomorrow since I had a flu shot. I don't typically get them, but this year my new doctor encouraged it because of my risk factor of asthma. I'd had an H1N1 shot (without the preservative thimerosal) 2 years ago with no major complications, and I thought about how I'm healthier now than I was then, so I should be able to tolerate it. I decided that I should go for it, even if I had a few days of feeling run-down. However, I completely forgot to ask for the thimerosal-free injection.

As I was falling asleep the night of the shot, I felt my face start to tingle on the left side (the side my shot had been given). Since then, I've had off and on tingling in my face, which later moved to my arm and hand. One week after the shot, I also developed swollen, painful lymph nodes in my neck, a low fever, and fatigue. The reaction has been scary, to say the least, since I don't know how long it will last or how bad it will get. Though very rare, the dreaded reaction of Guillain-Barre Syndrome is always in the back of my mind when my arm feels strange. Will I suddenly feel weak and lose the ability to move? Or will this tingling just ease off over the next few weeks? Though I believe I will be ok, there are no sure answers.

Coping with multiple challenges was already difficult before the shot, so I have been struggling with God over this added burden. I feel like I just can't take one more thing, but one more thing has come anyway. What do we do when our already swamped boat gets hit with a fresh wave?

The thing we should NOT do is read about horror stories involving extensive nerve damage on the Internet. Did that. Not helpful.

But what has fostered peace in my heart is my loving Father in Heaven. I know he is with me through this. I know my friends are praying for me and thinking about me. I know that I have a doctor who is listening and monitoring me. In the end, this experience will serve to increase my faith.

My mom sent me a song that I have heard on the radio a hundred times, but I never stopped to really listen to the lyrics until today. If you are feeling completely overwhelmed, take a second to read the words in this song by Mandisa. It filled me with hope that one day, because of Christ's work in me, I will be stronger.

"He exhorted them all to remain faithful to the Lord with steadfast purpose"Acts 11:23

Building Bone

2011-10-22T10:27:00.001-04:00

I tensed up when I was falling asleep. Footsteps fell down the hall, coming toward my door. My bedtime, already late, was now interrupted by light coming in from the hall. Just a few moments, but enough to wake me up even more. With a sleeping disorder and chronic illness, I felt thwarted in my attempts to get rest.

Living with a grandma who has dementia causes a lot of interruptions and chaos, which (after times of resisting) I've had to just accept. Feeling out of control is not new.

As I shielded my eyes from the light streaming through the open door, my mind wandered to a "what if" scenario. What if I had no distractions from healing? What if I could lie down to sleep at night with no real worries about my family or my well-being? "It would be bliss," I concluded. I could go to bed at the same time every night. I could organize and keep my room the way I wanted it. Nothing would stress me out beyond reason because life would be in order. "Normal," as I commonly fantasize.

But just after this ideal bedtime scenario washed over me - these thoughts of no one opening my door or disturbing me when I just want to be left alone - I suddenly thought of a lesson I learned in college about bones. Bones?

You see, I was always under the impression that when a break occurred in a bone, the way for it to heal was for the bone to be rested undisturbed for a long time (i.e. a cast). Take the weak bone and give it a rest already! It has enough problems just trying to bridge the traumatic gap.

But one day in biomaterials class, I learned that for proper healing, broken bones fixed into the right position require added stress. What?! Why would you put stress on something that is already broken and damaged? Because, to quote a scientific article, "Bone is formed where stresses require its presence and resorbed where stresses do not require it." Basically, stress trains your body to form protective material where it's need most.

As most of my posts do, this association made me reflect on how the added stresses in my life have caused me to form spiritual bone in places that were weak before. Without the stress of waiting for problems to resolve, I would not have developed any patience. Without repeated losses, I would not have developed better priorities and a profound sense of thanksgiving. Without obstacles to my health and career, I would not have learned perseverance, to work at a slow and steady pace for a long time. And without my heart broken, I would not have received a deeper love for Jesus.

When I think about healing in that way, I realize my spirit is like a broken bone. Properly aligned in God's Word after the initial injuries, I need weighty exercises to heal, even though it hurts. And whether I like it or not, this added stress is slowly calcifying new and lasting hope in me where my old earthly dreams have shattered.

Blocked

2011-10-02T14:08:00.000-04:00

God cares more about your character than your comfort.

I've been getting this message through almost every route imaginable lately. Through Bible study. Through sermons. Through prayer. Through books. It's clear that God is working, but he's not working to make my life safe and manageable. He's working to transform me on the inside.

This leaves me out of control. Which is a problem. Because I like feeling "in control." In fact, I will sometimes try to organize just to achieve some semblance of order, as if it will calm the inner storm.

Lately I've rediscovered that I enjoy playing the Nintendo game Tetris. When I sit there with the (aptly named) controller in my hand, I feel a sense of well-being. Since I have power over what happens on the screen, I can orient the blocks to make everything fit together and disappear.

As the levels increase, blocks fall faster. I have to adapt quickly so that the pieces don't hinder my progress. Ultimately, they fall so fast that I can't control them anymore. They pile up and the steel door comes down. Game over.

Like the early levels of Tetris, my difficulties in adolescence used to surface manageably, one at a time. Ultimately things would fall into place, and the problem would disappear.

However, in adulthood my challenges have fallen faster and stayed around longer. The rate of emerging difficulties has become greater than my ability to deal with them. Finally, the steel door comes down. My skills aren't sufficient anymore to play the game.

Paul talks about a similar experience in his own life in 2 Corinthians 1:8-9

"We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death."

When I read that, I find great comfort in Paul's direct admission that there are certain problems in life that are far beyond our ability to endure. God sometimes places us in levels of life-Tetris that we aren't prepared to handle. But why does he do it? Why would God want us to experience such a sense of powerlessness?

The next verses explain exactly why:

"But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many."

1) He does it so we will rely not on ourselves but on God. And God has the power to handle these things, proven by his ability to raise Jesus from the dead. We have this power at work in us.

2) Additionally, it is an opportunity for friends to pray for us and share our burdens, building a sense of love and community. It gives them the blessing of joining in God's work by helping us.

3) Lastly, these overwhelming sufferings are a chance for the world to see God's glory. When we are ultimately granted God's favor of answered prayer, many will give thanks.

If you are suffering beyond what you can bear, don't feel that you have failed or that you need to somehow find a way to get back in control. Though it may feel terrifying, it is a blessing to be made aware of reality - that none of us is truly in control - God is. When we call upon him in our helplessness, he hears us, others pray for us, and the world will see God work. Our job is not to fix it but to wait on him in faith.

The Lord is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.
Lamentations 3:25

Saturated

2011-09-12T16:08:00.000-04:00

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23

When I was a kid, my mom showed me that if you put Queen Anne's lace in colored water, the flowers would draw the water up the stems and eventually the flower itself would turn the color of the water. I was out for a walk on Labor Day, and when I saw some Queen Anne's lace in an empty lot, I picked some to try the experiment again.

As I saw the blue flower on the countertop last week, it made me think about how what I saturate my mind with determines my attitude - and ultimately my actions. People in pain are especially sensitive to their environment, what they see and hear and think about. We are like the flowers whose stems are cut off fresh at an angle, thirsty and drinking up the life-giving water we need so badly. If we drink from a dirty pond, filling our hearts with ugly thoughts, distressing "entertainment," or unhealthy relationships, we will wither. But if we soak up God's word in the Bible and his presence in regular prayer, we are promised to bear fruit that will last, and we will also be gradually transformed in the process to become flush with the hue of our Savior.

"Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me."
John 15:4

Keeping In Step

2011-08-20T09:53:00.006-04:00

When I was a kid, my grandma and I would sometimes go walking together. She would wrap her arm around my little shoulders, and I would barely reach up to grab around her waist. Then we'd stop and shuffle and awkwardly skip a minute to get in step with each other. Connected by arms and the rhythm of our feet, we'd then recite this rhyme along to the beat of our pace -

Right!
Right!
You'll never get home with your Right!

Left!
Left!
I Left my wife with 46 kids, the OLD gray mare, and the PEAnut stand!

This would repeat until I would inevitably be giggling with joy over the silly rhyme and trying to stay in step.

There is something about walking in synchrony with someone or with a song that makes my heart more joyful and helps me continue on my path. I was thinking about that the other day as I walked on the treadmill to one of my favorite songs, "The Cave," by Mumford and Sons. Because that song spurred me on in my exercise, I decided to search my collection for more songs at that tempo using a free program called BeaTunes. It helped me to make a playlist on my iPod for songs specifically with a tempo in that range. It's made my walking so much easier and more satisfying.

This made me wonder, is it just me? Is there any science behind this? According to researchers, not only does music combined with exercise clear our minds and make us better able to think, but it also results in the accomplishment of more work without proportional changes in heart rate.

Suffice it to say that when your foot strikes the pavement at the exact moment of that drum in your ear, you are experiencing a kind of synergy - an ease that God built into our bodies to work better and to do more. Like WD40 applied to a squeaky door hinge, we can glide when we are in step with music.

Interestingly, God uses this same kind of language in the Bible when describing how we are to live the Christian life. When we place our faith in Christ, the Holy Spirit comes to dwell in us and be our guide. He 'sets our pace' so to speak in how we should live. Paul wrote to the Galatians that we are to "keep in step with the Spirit."

God wants to use our lives to do good works that he planned in advance specifically for us to do. However, we will struggle with this if we are trying to do good works on our own - making the mistake of attempting to "earn" God's salvation, which is a free gift.

Like walking without a rhythm, left to our own devices we will tire prematurely and the impact of our lives will be extinguished once this earth passes away. It's only by keeping in step with the Holy Spirit that we are empowered to do eternal work for God's kingdom. Even when we are weak and sick - especially when weak and sick - we are called to serve God with joy. The secret is trusting in him to set the rhythm for our lives and not fighting against it.

There was a song that was very popular years ago by Sonic Flood called Resonate. The lyrics caught my attention one day as I listened:

"Let all living things
Praise You with one voice
We will resonate, resonate Your glory"

I was stopped in my tracks when I heard this because we were studying resonance in class. One definition of resonance? "The intensification and enriching of a musical tone by supplementary vibration." We intensify God's rhythm in this world when we match it with the way we live our lives. A little bit off here or there, and we miss the profound amplification of resonance.

Think of it this way - have you ever pushed someone on a swing? You intensify their motion by timing your pushes specifically to their natural rhythm. If you want to slow them down, you just oppose that rhythm. The same is true in our walk with God. By keeping in step with his commands to love him and love others, we will intensify God's movement here on earth and resonate his glory for eternity.

And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love.
2 John 1:6

Meditating with Deepak

2011-07-17T11:30:00.010-04:00

While watching my nightly dose of Dr. Oz recently, I heard Deepak Chopra give this advice on how to meditate:

"Close your eyes.
Watch your breath for about 5 minutes.
Put your attention on your heart, and ask yourself:
Who am I?
What do I want?
What's my purpose?
You don't need to know the answers. Live the questions, and life will move you into the answers."

When he said that, I wondered if he was kidding. Would it really lower someone's stress level to realize they don't know who they are or what their purpose is in life?

Yet these are life questions, ones that can't be easily ignored. Is it really true that "life will move you into the answers?"

From my experience, life can move you into some pretty destructive answers. How would this philosophy have guided me had I followed it after graduating college?

Left to my own devices, I might have defined myself at the time as an aspiring medical researcher trained in engineering.

Had life been guiding my desires, I might have wanted more notoriety and attention.

Perhaps my purpose in life would have been to pursue a medical breakthrough for cardiac patients and to start a family of my own. Maybe my purpose would have been to make a name for myself.

The only problem with letting life guide my purpose, desires, and identity?
A disabling illness made these answers completely irrelevant.

Had I defined myself by my job, due to illness, I would have been left with no identity.

Had my desires been pinned solely on my own achievement and affirmation, I would have been crushed once it was all taken away.

Had my purpose in life been to accomplish great things and raise a family, I would have been left alone with no real aim.

If I changed the answers to these important questions because of my illness, I'd still be navigating with no compass - building with no foundation. My identity and my purpose must be based on something more concrete than my circumstances, or I am no better than a raft tossed by the sea.

The Bible gives answers to these questions that are unchanging and true. In John 13, Jesus clearly shows his identity, his purpose, and his desire so that we all will have an example to follow and a foundation on which to build our lives.

John says:

"Jesus knew that the time had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he now showed them the full extent of his love." [His purpose - Dying on the cross to save a lost world and showing the full extent of his love to those who trust Him in faith.]

"Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God;" [His identity - Son of God]

"so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist. After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him." [His desire - That after becoming his disciples, we should follow his example to serve others in humility rather than seeking to be served.]

If I live Christ's way, nothing can shake my identity. No circumstance can thwart my purpose. And my desire will never lead me into defeat or destruction. By meditating on the life answers provided by Christ, I can build upon a firm foundation and follow the way to everlasting life.

My identity: Follower of Jesus Christ.
My desire: To please God.
My purpose: To express my love for the One who died to save me by serving others and pointing to the hope of eternal life in Christ.

Are you uncertain about your identity? Do you know what your purpose is? Have your desires gone unfulfilled?

I can personally testify that this world will never guide you into truthful answers. Life on earth is terribly broken. Since the beginning there has been pain and heartache and evil and sin. Nothing in this life is certain or lasting - not money, health, riches, family, or even the length of life itself. But God broke through on a rescue mission to save us. He offered his only Son to us as a sacrifice so that through faith in him, we could have eternal life.

Faith in Jesus offers solid answers to life's big questions that Deepak and this world can't provide. Now that is truth worthy of meditation.

Soul Tan

2011-07-01T17:35:00.003-04:00

Due to vitamin D deficiency and to help my circadian rhythm, I've been making an effort to recline in the sun for 15-20 minutes on a regular basis. My regular sun exposure has brought about something foreign and unfamiliar to me - a tan.

Because of my fair skin and impatience, I'm not really into tanning. The only time I've been remotely tan has been on childhood vacations, and even then it was more of a quick burn. However, the tan I have now reflects a build-up of multiple short sun exposures since April. It is an outward reflection of daily discipline.

It occurred to me as I was baking in my outdoor recliner today that my regular sun time had gradually changed my outward appearance just like my daily devotions gradually change my inner-self.

Making an effort to read the Bible consistently has been a struggle for me most of my life. I would get very enthusiastic and motivated, read a lot over a period of days or weeks, and then eventually slip back into sporadic reading, feeling like it wasn't making a noticeable difference.

If there's one thing I've learned from sun exposure this summer, it's that it is not the one 20-minute period that makes a noticeable difference; it is the entire collection of those repeated times that changes me. When I am in a habit of reading God's Word and praying regularly, one devotion may not create a profound impact on my thinking for that particular day, but the habit is what keeps me walking in step with God, repenting quickly when I stumble, and receiving his forgiveness and strength to keep going.

Dr. Charles Stanley once compared our life in this world to a boat on a river with a strong current. If the boat's rope is not tightened securely each morning to the dock, it will eventually drift away down the river and over the waterfall. This world is just like that current - an ever-present force working on our minds and hearts to lull us into going along without God and relying on ourselves to make it through life, ultimately to our ruin. The truth is, if our souls are not anchored to Christ, we will passively slip downstream, away from God.

I'm learning now more than ever how powerful daily habits can be. Negative daily habits can destroy us, while positive habits like prayer and Bible study will gradually change our lives for the better. Never give into the feeling that daily prayers and Bible reading don't make a difference. No matter the trials, distractions, failures, and suffering that may tend to deter you from your discipline, daily "Son exposure" gradually transforms your soul and keeps you firmly anchored to God, our Rock and our Redeemer.

And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.
2 Corinthians 3:18 (ESV)

Subsisting on Substitutes

2011-06-10T21:56:00.005-04:00

What object, person, or dream have you longed for as your key to happiness in life? What substitute have you looked to for joy instead of Jesus?

We chase after these elusive shadows as if they were solid and lasting. However, they are only meant to stir our hunger, to redirect our gaze - pointing us toward the Author and true fulfillment of our souls.

"The book or the music in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them; it was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through them was longing...they are not the thing itself; they are only the scent of a flower we have not yet found, the echo of a tune we have not heard, news from a country we have never yet visited."
-C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory

Out of Control (in The Hands of The One in Control)

2011-05-29T09:41:00.008-04:00

"No one can tell me what I can and can't eat!"

Thus says my grandma with dementia.

It's amazing to me how dementia (much like Alzheimer's) removes all inhibitions and reveals the ugly threads that weave through human nature.

I am no exception to this nature.

When I was a kid, I was considered "strong-willed." My mom read a book about it. This trait was most readily observed by my famous toddler expression of "ME do it" anytime I was confronted with a task on which I received even the faintest suggestion of help. (Eventually I graduated to: "Let me do it on my own.")

I was also an expert at testing my boundaries. When I was a small child, I was informed that our family was going to leave my grandparents' house one evening. Not wanting to go, I refused to budge. I was then given the option of walking out on my own or being carried against my will, to which I stubbornly responded with my own defiant choice: "I'll crawl out."

Yes, God has had his hands full breaking my will to be in control. I have repeatedly been convicted of my desire to drive the boat, so to speak.

It's not hard to see why trusting God is difficult for me. My objective is to avoid discomfort, discipline, and pain. However, God frequently accomplishes his important purposes through these things. How do I respond?

My grandma's response is to lash out in the same way I used to as a child. In her state of being completely dependent on my mom and me for everything because of her failing health and mind, she tries to regain some form of control. In doing so, she defiantly asserts her will in areas that make everyone's life more difficult.

I learn a lot about my childish ways with God when I see my grandma act like that. By refusing to eat simply because she doesn't like being taken to the toilet (or being washed, or given food), she hurts herself the most.

Similarly, when I refuse to pray to God simply because I don't like the circumstances he's put me in, I, also, am hurting myself the most. I need prayer as a protection, as an outlet, as a guide, and for peace during times when life is beyond my influence. It's easy to see lack of prayer as making a point, but God does not respond to my defiant silences. He simply waits for me to come back because I'm hungry for him and nothing on this earth will fully satisfy that hunger.

Even when trials and illness make you feel completely powerless, remember that God is not the enemy. He is the one who will lead us to repentance and peace that passes all understanding, if we would just be still and trust in him.

For the Lamb at the center of the throne
will be their shepherd;
‘he will lead them to springs of living water.’
‘And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.'”
Revelation 7:17

Blessings

2011-05-19T19:48:00.004-04:00

This song reminded me today that my suffering has a purpose far beyond what I can see. I've never longed for Jesus like I do in times of suffering.

Blessings by Laura Story

We pray for blessings; we pray for peace,
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep.
We pray for healing, for prosperity.
We pray for your mighty hand to ease our suffering.

All the while, you hear each spoken need.
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things.

Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops?
What if your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near?

What if trials of this life, are your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom, your voice to hear.
We cry in anger when we cannot feel you near.
We doubt your goodness; we doubt your love,
As if every promise from your word is not enough.

All the while, you hear each desperate plea.
And long that we'd have faith to believe.

Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops?
What if your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near?

What if trials of this life are your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win,
We know the pain reminds this heart that this is not, this is not our home.
It's not our home.

Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops?
What if your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near?

What if my greatest disappointments, or the aching of this life,
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy?

And what if trials of this life, the rain, the storms, the hardest nights,
Are your mercies in disguise?

Living Better with Dysautonomia (Help #7: The E-word)

2011-05-12T12:30:00.005-04:00

Help #7: Exercise

I have been a neglectful blogger lately.
This is in part due to the mild apprehension I felt about writing this exercise post. To start with, POTS/dysautonomia patients are by their very nature exercise intolerant. Exercise intolerance is a crippling symptom of dysautonomia that can make staying in shape about as hard as if you had heart failure. If you suffer from POTS, strenuous exercise will in all likelihood make you feel worse, much, much worse.

That's an encouraging start to this "help" isn't it?

I have a great deal of emotion invested in this topic because I am one of many patients diagnosed with disabling POTS in spite of struggling to exercise regularly. Before my symptoms disabled me, I worked in a lab, went to school, and belonged to a gym. I pushed 3 miles on the treadmill multiple times per week, used all the weight machines (recording my progress on an official-looking chart), and routinely avoided a slimy middle-aged guy who made unwelcome comments and wore unnecessary spandex shorts. I had a gym lock and a duffle bag. In terms of fitness, I was doing everything "right."

But in spite of that, so much went wrong.

About 8 months before I became disabled, I was walking around the track and suddenly felt sick. I decided to go home and barely got in the door before my nausea, dizziness, and cramping got the best of me. A hot shower only made things worse, and I slowly faded out of consciousness while lying in bed. In the ambulance on the way to the ER, my heart rhythm was rapid with excessive PVCs. After receiving a substantial dose of IV saline, I revived, and I was told to take it easy.

This episode is evidence that even those mildly affected by POTS symptoms can have serious episodes triggered by exercise if the proper precautions are not taken. In my case, I was clearly dehydrated. I had not eaten enough before going to the gym. The timing of my menstrual cycle was against me, and I had not gotten enough sleep the night before. For a healthy person, this would not be a big deal, but with underlying POTS, these factors put me in a very vulnerable position. It's because of these important factors that I placed "exercise" as number seven in my list of helps. If diet, sleep, hydration, and other precautions such as pacing are not taken into consideration first, exercise can end in disaster for a POTS patient.

The following exercise tips I have learned by trial and error over the last 6 years. I offer them here as a source of encouragement and in hopes that you won't have to make the same mistakes I did.

Tip 1: Some types of exercises are better for dysautonomia than others.
Simple walking is my preferred type of exercise. However, I have friends who enjoy swimming because of the compressive effect of water on the body's circulation. Recumbent bike riding can be beneficial because of the ability to recline. (Upright biking exacerbated my symptoms.) Additionally, Pilates-type workouts that are done mainly while lying down can allow for greater blood flow to the head. One good DVD for supine Pilates is by Denise Austin.

Tip 2: Some types of exercise are better for YOU than others.
If you don't like bike riding, or if it makes you feel awful, then you will subconsciously avoid it. If you have obstacles to getting to the pool, then you won't go often. If you live in a rainy or cold climate, then walking outside won't be made into a habit. It's best to pick an exercise that you can do immediately if you feel up to it. I am lucky enough to have a treadmill, but there was a time when I didn't have one. I had to get creative, so I walked in a loop around a small apartment. Though simplistic, I was able to do this much more regularly than any exercise which would require me to leave home.

Tip 3: Plan a regimen that is realistic for your current abilities.
When I started a cardiac rehab program shortly after my diagnosis, I was on a beta blocker which lowered my already low blood pressure even further. I was then put on a treadmill and told to move it for 40 minutes. Now, to put things in perspective, I was so dizzy at the time that I could barely hobble from my bed into the bathroom. I had to ride in a wheelchair to get from the parking lot to my cardiologist's waiting room, where I would nearly faint sitting. Trying to do 40 minutes of walking at that time was absurd. I was monitored, so it was safely absurd, but it was a completely unreasonable expectation nonetheless. My blood pressure was regularly in the 80s over 50s, and I had to give a periodic "dizziness rating" to the tech so that she'd know how close I was to passing out. I often left rehab in a wheelchair after lying flat in recovery and felt utterly terrible for days afterward. If you can push yourself to walk 40 minutes, but it destroys you for the rest of the day (or week!), that is not beneficial. It is best to start out with what you can handle, however small that may be - even 5 to 10 minutes once or twice a week!

Tip 4: Stay below your physical limits to achieve consistency.
(This is for all your overachievers out there.)
I am the kind of person who likes to take on a challenge just because it's hard. I like to overcome obstacles, push my limits, and do the most I can possibly do at one time. I'm often tempted to "beat my best ___" time, distance, or speed. This is not helpful when it comes to conditioning with POTS. If I push my physical limit by walking at 2.8 miles per hour but can manage much better at 2.5 miles per hour, it's far superior for me to walk at the slower pace and not exhaust myself. If I start to feel sick after walking for 5 minutes, it's far better to walk for those 5 minutes than to push myself to 10 and then not walk for the next 2 weeks. A good indicator while exercising is to closely monitor your symptoms and your heart rate. Investing in a reliable heart rate monitor can help guide your level of exertion. A blood pressure cuff may help as well.

Tip 5: Skip at least a day between workouts.
The exertion of a workout (or other stressful event) may cause worsened symptoms for the rest of the day and/or a flare over the next few days (also referred to as "post-exertional malaise" or "crashing"). Post exertional-malaise is a proven symptom in patients with chronic fatigue. Our bodies do not return to baseline after a workout like a healthy person. Instead of bouncing back from walking, I can struggle for over 24 hours with increased muscle aches, dizziness, extreme fatigue, and at my worst, a swollen, sore throat (which I had just this week from overexertion). Be aware of your body's limits, and try to pace yourself accordingly by taking days of rest. It's best to give yourself a break between workouts even if you are healthy. It gives your body a chance to heal.

Tip 6: Avoiding exercise altogether is a bad idea.
There have been times when leg lifts in bed were about the extent of my ability to exercise. If you are that sick, I empathize completely and encourage you to check out Yaz exercises or yoga and deep breathing that can be done in bed (my friend has Bed Top Yoga). If you can get up and move around, it will benefit you to do so. Walking around for a sustained interval helps avoid deconditioning, aids circulation, strengthens muscles, and helps mood (which can suffer tremendously under the effects of chronic illness). Quitting all forms of exercise because of POTS is tempting, but in the end, it will not help; it will only make things worse.

Tip 7: Exercise will benefit you but is unlikely to cure you.
Exercise for dysautonomia is highly beneficial when undertaken with the proper precautions. After 6 years of strict pacing and healing, when I am well hydrated, eating nutritiously, and well rested, I find that I can now walk a significant distance (over 1 mile) without feeling dizzy. Even though I have increased my endurance over the years, I still am far from being "cured."

Does mild-to-moderate exercise help manage my condition? Definitely. However, I still suffer from many fluctuating symptoms, including post-exertional malaise. I am still not able to reliably work a job schedule or keep up with a normal life. I still have bad days and weeks stuck in bed. There are times when I curl up in a ball and literally can't move due to fatigue. There are many times I push too hard and suffer for exceeding my body's limitations (just like spending over your bank account's balance will result in hefty fees).

Exercise has been a key part of my recovery, but it is not the only answer. Be realistic in your expectations and be persistent in pursuing physical activity as tolerated. If you miss a week or a month, come back and start again slowly when you can. In that way, you will continue to teach your body how to live better with dysautonomia.

The Case of the Missing Conductor

2011-04-19T03:11:00.002-04:00

I was able to attend a college orchestra concert tonight. After all the performers were in place and the stage was set, the audience became quiet as we waited for the music to begin.

There was only one problem. The conductor didn't come out.

At first, I thought the few seconds of delay might be for dramatic effect, but time ticked by. Someone coughed loudly. People were looking around, shuffling in seats. Someone coughed again. Soft murmurs and low speculative chatter. The percussionists appeared to go backstage to look. I thought, "This isn't planned. Something isn't right." My friend and I exchanged glances.

Everyone waited for what seemed like 5 minutes but was probably closer to 2. Finally, the conductor emerged and quickly took her post in front of the group with her hands poised to conduct the first note. Not a word was spoken about the strange delay.

I wondered where she had been. Why had she, a respected professional, offered no explanation? What could have caused her to delay her group from beginning on time? What more than an emergency could have held her back?

Later, after the concert was over, it was revealed that she had been ready all along. The delay was because one of the orchestra members did not have a mute and could not perform any of the pieces without it. Until the mute was retrieved, the concert couldn't start.

To everyone in the audience, the conductor appeared to be at fault. However, she had mercifully covered for an unprepared member of the group.

On the way home, I started thinking about how I perceive delays in my own circumstances. My go-to person to confront and blame is God. He's the leader after all, and if he was ready to come out and make things right in this world (and in my life), then there should be no hold up. What, after all, could keep him from acting immediately when the stage appears to be set for his intervention and deliverance?

When I think this way, I fail to consider that God considers us all players in this world with him, and though he leads us, he will not force us all to be prepared for his coming. He mercifully waits, hoping that more people will come to faith in Jesus, that those of us who believe will forsake our earthly idols and begin to love him with all our hearts.

When he comes back, will you be prepared? Will you be longing for his appearing? Or are you sitting back, resting and backsliding because you think he's running late (or might never come at all)?

Be assured, the Messiah will return to earth suddenly and without warning. We are promised in scripture that we will be rewarded if we live spiritually prepared and ready for that day. In the meantime, it does me good to remember that sometimes God's delays are merciful, allowing just enough time for all the players in my life to become prepared - especially me.

I think about the valuable lessons God continues to teach me through my season of waiting, and although I want the circumstances removed right away, he uses them as tools to prepare me, to reshape me, to purify me. Tonight's experience at the concert was a reminder that He will indeed come to redeem my trials for his glory - in his merciful time.

But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.
2 Peter 3:8-9

Living Better with Dysautonomia (Help #6: Sleep)

2011-04-07T02:23:00.004-04:00

Help #6: Regular Sleep

I am writing this post at 2:20 AM.

Why, you may ask, am I qualified to give advice on improving sleep?

For the past 5-1/2 years I was unable to fall asleep at the same time for more than a couple days in a row. Always shifting forward, some weeks I couldn't fall asleep till 6AM, and the next week 10AM, and the week after 2PM, and so forth. However, as of early this year, I can now maintain a regular bedtime indefinitely. What changed?

Achieving quality sleep at the right time has always been a battle for me. I have mild sleep apnea and a circadian rhythm disorder: Non-24 Hour Sleep-Wake Syndrome (think severe, advancing, chronic jet-lag). Improving my dysautonomia symptoms was difficult when I couldn't even get a regular night of sleep. Despite countless attempts to improve the situation, I've slept away many days and weeks in total frustration, missing important events, only to feel sicker, defeated, and out of options. But this year, I've finally discovered a safe and medication-free way to help me sleep on a regular schedule.

Call now for this special offer and get the bonus gift free! Just kidding.

No, this isn't an infomercial, and what I'm going to share isn't a miracle cure, but it has improved my quality of life and stopped my sleep from cycling around the clock every month. Best of all - no pills!

The treatment is a pair of blue-block glasses. Before you think of the 80s commercial about amber shades making the golf course look 'crystal clear,' let me share a little background:

Melatonin is a substance produced naturally by the body to make you sleepy when it's dark. It is inhibited by light, particularly *blue* light, which is why people normally feel awake and alert during the day. Melatonin production can get disrupted in people with dysautonomia, fibromyalgia, CFS/ME, night-shift workers, nursing mothers, and people with sleep disorders. For some reason, the eyes don't respond to darkness cues properly or are exposed to excessive bright light at night, leaving us feeling revved up when the rest of the world is gearing down and exhausted when we should be refreshed.

What blue-block glasses do is protect the eyes from perceiving blue light. Worn only for a couple hours before bed, these glasses allow the body to produce more melatonin naturally, even in well-lit areas. I can wear them while watching TV, reading, using the computer, and all the while, my body is essentially fooled into thinking I am in total darkness. Not to be confused with regular sunglasses (which I tried and don't work!), these lenses are specifically designed filters that block out virtually all blue light involved in disrupting melatonin.

The effect has been remarkable for me. When it's time to fall asleep, I can drift off naturally and wake up at approximately the same time. No more drastically shifting bedtimes or widely varying wake times.

Additionally, I discovered the benefit of using blue-block light bulbs in the bedroom. These bulbs (which produce a pleasant yellow glow) can be used in place of the blue-block glasses in an otherwise dark room. Candlelight has been said to work too. The site I linked to also offers computer and TV blue-light filters as well as night-lights. The home page (lowbluelights.com) offers help on why and how to use these products most effectively.

From my experience, blue-block glasses at night are a great way to naturally wind down before bedtime without drugs or supplements. They help me to feel relaxed. Though not the cure for all sleep problems, they are well worth the effort if nothing else has worked for you or if you are seeking a drug-free way to improve your bedtime.

A few last words:
1. Be sure to read over basic "sleep hygiene" practices to use with the glasses for a better night's rest.
2. The Uvex brand (first link) is made with adjustable earpieces, which are not immediately obvious unless you know to push them in.
3. The LowBlueLights brand offer small sizes which are better for children and petite adults.
4. The glasses are not what I would call stylish, but if you are desperate for an earlier, regular bedtime without depending on pills, these might be worth a try.
They have certainly made a difference for me.

Exhausted

2011-03-29T15:08:00.013-04:00

When's the last time you said, "I'm exhausted!"?

Did you say it at the end of a long, satisfying day of work?

Or was it barely a whisper off your lips while you were lying helplessly in bed for hours?

Exhaustion, to me, used to mean that I'd crammed too many classes, experiments, meetings, and social events into a day.

Now, it is a mind/body/emotional bankruptcy from sickness and prolonged trial. A feeling of utter weariness. It's as if I'm one of those vacuum sealed bags on an infomercial; someone inserts the attachment and sucks out every last ounce of air until I shrivel up.

Last week, I watched a Bible study video on exhaustion. As I dragged myself into the room and opened my notebook, I looked forward to finding help with this familiar problem. I was disappointed to hear tips about taking a quiet retreat, accepting assistance, and dispensing with unnecessary commitments. Sadly, none of these tips help someone who can't escape their burdens, is minimally committed, and whose proper sources of assistance have either turned away or dried up.

The final point of the video? A long story about how God had made supernatural provision for an old man to have his tangled hair brushed before meeting his wife again.

I was supposed to feel encouraged, but I left feeling even emptier than when I came in. If God cares for the hair of an old man, why is my family spending years in circumstances that are draining the life out of us? Where is God when I feel exhausted and in pain?

I have been struggling to keep faith in the midst of one trial on top of another, on top of another. I look to heaven for help, and often I just get enough to survive another day of difficulty. Another day, another struggle.

I keep thinking, what is it God wants to show me about exhaustion?

I think the most important thing to know about exhaustion is that it is a breeding ground for temptation. Temptation to doubt God. Temptation to give up. Temptation to justify disobedience. Temptation to pull away from faith and contrive inadequate human solutions instead.

When Satan had taken everything Job had, including his children, the Enemy was convinced that the destruction of Job's health would finally break him.
“Skin for skin!” Satan replied. “A man will give all he has for his own life. But stretch out your hand and strike his flesh and bones, and he will surely curse you to your face.”

We need to remember that when we become physically sick and tired, it can be the Enemy's ultimate weapon to break us. However, Job was determined to cling to God, never giving in to the temptation to curse God and die. Instead, he proclaimed his faith boldly in the midst of his utter physical misery Job 19:25-27.

When David was forced to give up his throne and flee from his own son, his trusted adviser betrayed him in his weakest hour by planning the perfect attack.
"I will come upon him while he is weary and discouraged and throw him into a panic, and all the people who are with him will flee."

If you're exhausted, it's a pivotal time to be on guard. Dr. Charles Stanley, in his sermon series on temptation, reminds us that Satan attacks hardest when we are (HALT) Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired. Preparing for the temptations with scripture means we won't be blindsided. We also need to prepare for feelings of fear and isolation. The withdrawal of human support often accompanies intense spiritual attack. We counter that by seeking God's support in prayer.

While David fled, a relative of his old enemy taunted him, cursed him, and physically threw rocks at David along the way.
"Get out, get out, you man of blood, you worthless man!"

This is a taunt, strong rejection, and an accusation all in one. It tore at David's very character and self-image. These words resonate with me because in my grandma's demented state, she can say things like this almost verbatim. ("Get out, get out, you awful woman!") Sitting under a waterfall of nonstop criticism and personal insults is emotionally draining to say the least. Though the accusations aren't true, they still erode my strength.

Satan's name literally means "the accuser," and he specializes in tormenting people with false guilt and condemnation. He knows that as long as we are neutralized by feeling bad about ourselves, we won't be powerful in spreading the gospel, encouragement, or hope in the lives of others. We counter this by rejecting wrong thoughts and memorizing scripture that reveals how God views us.

To summarize, scripture clearly outlines the Enemy's exhaustion attack plan:
1. Physical illness to break us
2. Temptation striking at our weakest moments
3. Isolation and Fear
4. Personal insults/Criticism
5. Rejection
6. False guilt for non-sins/Condemnation for forgiven sins

Knowing the Enemy's attack plan can help us withstand the onslaught and not become victims of permanent despair. Instead of giving up, I can:
A) Determine to cling to God
B) Seek God's support in prayer
C) Memorize/pray these truths from God's word

My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.
Psalm 119:28

Consider him [Jesus] who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.
Hebrews 12:2-3

“Never will I leave you;
never will I forsake you.”
So we say with confidence, “The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?”
Hebrews 13:5-6

"My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me. I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand."
John 10:27-28

The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
Isaiah 40:28-29

Though I may not have control over my health or circumstances, I have control over my response to the weight of exhaustion. Like Job, I must cling to my Redeemer no matter the cost. By trusting in his death for my sins, I am destined for a better land where "moth and rust do not destroy, where thieves do not break in and steal," where there is "no more death or mourning or crying or pain."

Determine to persevere through exhaustion on your journey with Christ. The Lord is with you and will reward you for your faith.

Living Better with Dysautonomia (Help #5: Diet)

2011-03-17T00:51:00.007-04:00

*UPDATE 2/13/2012: Since posting this entry, I have extended my anti-inflammatory diet to include being strictly gluten-free (and mostly dairy-free). I have updated the suggested foods list to reflect this as well as my avoidance of MSG, soy yogurts with and without inulin, oats, and agave.

Help #5: Anti-inflammatory Diet + Salt

I don't know about you, but symptom flares typically send me running for the nearest comfort food. Daily I used to consume desserts like dark chocolate, ice cream, cookies, and cupcakes. For snacks, I relied on quick fixes like a bowl of cereal, toast, PB&J, popcorn, pasta, or a glass of juice. I didn't have energy to make fancy meals.

These foods helped me to feel good in the moment, but in the long run, I suffered symptoms of hypoglycemia, uncomfortable digestive problems, muscle aches, and terrible fatigue.

Over the past year, I've been equipped with more knowledge about eating an anti-inflammatory diet. Determining to do this has made a noticeable difference in my symptoms, but it is only part of the puzzle. I still experiment with diet choices and other treatments to optimize my health.

First and foremost, I've learned to cut out all unnecessary sugar and white flour.
This may sound impossible, especially when it's such a comfort. I didn't think I'd make it more than one day (two, tops) without desserts or high-carb foods. I decided to try going cold turkey for as long as I could, and after a few days of resisting the intense cravings, it was suddenly easier to say no to sweets. I trained my taste buds to enjoy a sweet potato without brown sugar. I drank tea instead of juice in the morning. Eventually, I grew accustomed to living on a low-sugar diet and began to enjoy the natural sweetness of fruit, the richness of cocoa powder in milk, and the creaminess of plain yogurt. I don't mean to say that I deprive myself entirely of occasional treats, but now that I see the benefits for my health, I don't go straight for sugar when I'm hungry. Instead, I go for protein, which is my next tip...

Second, I make an effort to base meals and snacks around healthy protein sources.
Instead of grabbing for toast when I'm hungry, I now reach for salted almonds. Instead of cereal, I scramble an egg. Almond butter with banana has replaced ice cream with banana. My new rule to include protein (or slow-digesting carbs) in every snack keeps my blood sugar stable and lessens fatigue. I don't experience sudden cravings and lightheadedness between meals anymore. Eating protein regularly gives me a more steady sense of well-being with lasting fullness and satisfaction.

Third, I have added in more organic vegetables and salads to my diet.
Salad used to be the thing I'd put Saran wrap over at the end of a meal because I didn't have room for it. Now, it's become a main course. Salad isn't boring when you can put a lot of protein on it. Some of my favorite salad toppings include crispy chicken sauteed in olive oil, crumbled bacon, shredded cheese, sunflower seeds, shredded turkey, bits of salmon or tuna, diced tomato and cucumber, or even a Mexican twist with seasoned ground meat, fresh avocado, onion, and cilantro leaves. In addition to building tasty salads, I've also learned to enjoy steamed vegetables like carrots, green beans, broccoli, and asparagus. A little salt and heart-healthy margarine make these vegetables delicious, and as a bonus, I don't feel bloated or sick after I eat them.

Learning what foods pack the most nutritional punch has continued to be challenging but fun. The book Anticancer: A New Way of Life started me off in the right direction by pointing me toward a diet rich in nutritious foods instead of settling for carryout burritos and prepared frozen entrees. Pairing this knowledge with a focus on protein and vegetables, while cutting back on sugar and unhealthy carbohydrates, has improved my health even more.

Beware of food allergies and sensitivities!
Hidden food sensitivities can sometimes play a role in how a person with dysautonomia feels. Diagnosing a gluten, nut, wheat, soy, egg, or dairy sensitivity could be vital to aiding your recovery, so I urge you to speak to your doctor about testing and elimination diets. Not all food sensitivities express themselves as stomach upset. Fatigue, rashes, and vitamin deficiencies can all be signals of a food intolerance. *I did not test positive for celiac disease but still found significant symptom improvement from eating strictly gluten-free and mostly dairy-free.*

In the meantime, remember that every food you put in your mouth contains powerful vitamins and nutrients that can influence the amount of inflammation in your body, just like any medicine or pill. Steering clear of sugar, white flour, and unhealthy, high-carbohydrate snacks may help you feel more clear-headed and less fatigued.

What about salt?
If you suffer from low blood pressure (which is common with dysautonomia), it's likely that your doctor has encouraged you to start a high-salt diet. Do this ONLY under the recommendation of your physician because a high-salt diet will raise blood pressure and can be potentially dangerous.

Be aware: Salt and sodium are two different things.
High school chemistry returns to haunt us! Salt is NaCl; sodium is Na. Salt is made up of 39% sodium. I was so sick and disoriented at my diagnosis that I missed this altogether and panicked at the level of salt prescribed.

If a doctor tells you to eat 8 grams of salt per day, they do NOT mean that you should eat 8,000 mg of sodium. They mean you should eat 3,120 mg of sodium. That’s still a lot, but thankfully it does not involve you solely eating SPAM and salt tablets. The best way to get enough sodium in your diet is to be liberal with the salt shaker. Try to avoid sea salt since the large, coarse crystals give you less sodium per serving than regular table salt.

If you need a quick boost of sodium, try chicken noodle soup. My favorite (gluten-free/dairy-free) brand is Kettle Cuisine.

Bottom line: Better fuel = Better function. The more nutritious foods you can pack into your diet, the better your body will run. Reducing chronic inflammation through diet is a smart decision for anyone looking to improve energy and lower the risk of cancer.

Here are some of my new favorite simple and healthy snacks (*Updated 2/13/12*):
Numi Green Rooibos tea
Alvita Ginger Root tea
Microwaved sweet potato with cinnamon and pumpkin pie spices
Amande yogurt (almond yogurt: dairy-free/gluten-free/soy-free)
Walnuts, pecans, Blue Diamond Roasted Salted Almonds
Papaya smoothies with banana, pineapple, and lime juice
Redmond's Almond Butter with banana
Nuttzo (multi-nut butter, available in regular and peanut-free) on toast with a drop of cherry preserves
Scrambled egg with diced onion, diced bell pepper, and Rice Shreds cheese (also available for vegans)
Egg salad (egg, mustard, mayo) or tuna salad (tuna, onion, egg, mayo) on Udi's Whole Grain bread (gluten-free)
Salted hard-boiled egg
Baby carrots with or without hummus
Kind bars (coconut/apricot/almond)
Microwaved green beans or mixed veggies (as a substitute for chips) with an open-faced sandwich
Quinoa cooked in chicken broth with peas and pieces of roast chicken
Salmon baked in parchment paper with lemon, salt, pepper, and olive oil
Mashed avocado with minced garlic, cilantro, lemon juice, salt, chopped onion
Riceworks brown rice chips with rice cheese, salsa, or guacamole

Low-Carb Banana Nut Muffins

1.5 c almond flour

2 ripe, mashed bananas

1 tsp baking powder

1 tsp baking soda

3 eggs

1/2 c organic unsweetened applesauce

1/2 tsp cinnamon

1/8 tsp freshly grated nutmeg

1 tablespoon coconut sugar (heaping)

1 tsp vanilla

1/4 tsp salt

1/2 c chopped walnuts or pecans

Bake at 350 for 20-25 minutes. (Heavily adapted from "Eating Stella Style")

If you have any healthy snack ideas to share, please post in the comments!

Courage in the Lonely Hour

2011-03-01T17:54:00.001-05:00

Courage in the Lonely Hour

Dr. Charles Stanley gives powerful encouragement for those who are struggling.

Not Feelin' It

2011-02-27T00:19:00.016-05:00

My grandma has lived with us since she had a stroke about three and a half years ago. Over that time, her ability to function has drastically declined; she has been diagnosed with more strokes as well as vascular dementia (similar to Alzheimer's).

This condition has completely altered her personality, compromised her ability to reason and think, and made her unable to deal with basic daily tasks such as the toilet and bathing. At this point, she requires 24-hour care and supervision so that she does not accidentally hurt herself or others.

Today I spent the afternoon and evening with her. She was having hallucinations the entire time, but she talked about them to me as if they were very real. Among other things, she saw a dog, a girl, a baby (behind her pillows), two mice in her bed, needles, water on the floor, threads, and her sister from out-of-state.

Every time she would reach for something that wasn't there or ask a question about an invisible visitor, I responded by telling her that these things weren't real. She knows that she has had a stroke, and so I explained over and over that she was having some trouble with seeing things that weren't there and that she was safe from mice and whatever else she was concerned about.

I thought this would calm her, but she continued unfazed, often telling me I was wrong. My words of comfort and reason meant nothing.

Grandma: Is it raining? (holding her hand up to feel for water)
Me: No, we're inside.
Grandma: Yes, I know, but do you feel rain?

Grandma: Is the little girl ok?
Me: There's no little girl. There's no one here.
Grandma: Yes, that's right, only you and me.
Me: Right.
Grandma: I think I should check on the little girl.

These conversations can become very sad and difficult because there is no communication happening. She refuses to believe that what she perceives could be faulty.

While I was watching her pursue investigations into people whom I assured her were not there, I was struck by the thought that it's human nature to trust what we see and feel over all else - even testimony of the truth.

In times of darkness, when I feel so alone and don't sense or see God moving, it's very easy to rely on my own perceptions as reality. I can often be overcome by the feeling that there is no end to our trials, that no one will ever understand, even that God doesn't care. And I can start to lean into that, even in the face of scripture that refutes me entirely. How many of us trust our own feelings and experiences over what we read in the Bible?

If I think about my experiences with my grandma, I can recall the many times I've lovingly tried to calm and correct her by exposing the deception of her hallucinations and revealing to her the truth of reality. I have been rejected repeatedly as she persists in trusting her feelings over my testimony of the facts.

It is convicting to me that during times of darkness when I read God's Word, I must trust in what it says above all else and not let my heart or my eyes lead me astray. The world is full of deceptive messages, false claims, hollow philosophies, and circumstances that are confusing. My heart is full of wrong ideas, flawed logic, misguided justifications, and the insidious influences of human sin. The only way to get through this dark time is to trust the light of the only pure truth there is in this world, the Bible.

When I look to the Bible, I see example after example of people in dark and hopeless trials - Abraham who had no child, Joseph who was sold into slavery by his brothers and landed in prison for a crime he didn't commit , Esther who risked her life to approach the king and save her people from mass murder, Ruth who lost her husband and followed her mother-in-law in poverty, Job who lost it all but refused to curse God, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego who were about to be burned alive for their faith but held firm...

These people all had no reason to feel hopeful, but against all hope they believed God and were not put to shame. It is to our great advantage in the darkness not to trust our own flawed sense of reality to guide our choices. Doing that is like relying on a broken compass in order to get us to our destination. Instead, we must trust in the Word of God above all else, like a lighthouse that is shining our way safely home.

"Then you will know that I am the LORD; those who wait for me shall not be put to shame."
Isaiah 49:23

Living Better with Dysautonomia (Help #4: Compression)

2011-02-24T15:12:00.005-05:00

Help #4: Compression Stockings

POTS affects blood flow. Because my body does not respond properly to gravity, blood that should be circulated into my head ends up pooled in my legs and abdomen when I am upright. This leaves me feeling lightheaded with a rapid heart rate and low blood pressure - perfect ingredients to feel faint and ill. When I put on compression hose, the stockings squeeze the vessels in my legs to keep blood from settling there. This increases my ability to stand and sit up and helps get more blood/oxygen where it's needed most - my head!

Never fear! You won't look (too) weird in these. :) When covered by pants and socks, they are hardly noticeable.

The best part about compression stockings is that they are constantly working. Unlike medication that has to be taken on time and can wear off, these stretchy socks remain tight and effective for as long as I need to be upright.

Summertime used to make me hesitate to use compression hose. For one thing, I wanted to wear sandals, and for another, I didn't want to feel too hot. But without compression, I found that my ability to stand with minimal symptoms was severely limited. Support stockings are worth the sacrifice to remain vertical. I have invested in lightweight crop pants and a cute pair of closed-toe summer flats that look just as nice as sandals; these enable me to wear my compression hose inconspicuously even in warm weather. Another alternative is to purchase open-toe stockings.

For special occasions like a party, I like to switch from the knee-high to the full-length hose. That extra support on my upper legs and abdomen is noticeable and helps me to remain more clear-headed when trying to keep up with conversation. I won't lie and say that the full-length are easy to put on, but once the wrestling is over, it's well worth the sacrifice to have that extra boost to my blood flow all day.

Now, the main questions I had when first buying compression hose are:
"what brand?"
"what strength?"
"where to buy?"

My preferred brand is Jobst. (comfortable and hold up very well)
My doctor recommended 15-20 mmHg strength for me. (could be different for you!)
My preferred store is brightlifedirect.com.

BrightLife offers a variety of brands at different prices and allows you to try on and return stockings that don't fit. Through their site, I found athletic knee-high socks which are a nice change of pace from the pantyhose version. I was also able to try two brands of full-length stockings to determine which sheer style worked best for me.

Ideally, it's good to replace your stockings every 4 to 6 months (since they get stretched out), but I've found that with good care and rotation of multiple pairs, I can use them longer, understanding that my older socks aren't quite as effective as my newer ones.

What's the use of praying?

2011-02-20T17:15:00.005-05:00

Here is a funny story I heard on Friday:

there was a teenage girl in the dentist office yesterday
she was waiting with her mom, texting like crazy
and her mom's phone beeped
and her mom ignored it
and she's like "moooooooom. You got a text"
and she's like "well I'll get it in a bit, it's probably not urgent"
and the girl said "MOM, when you get a text, it's ALWAYS URGENT"

There is a false sense of urgency when it comes to communicating with technology today. It used to be that when you left the house, no one could reach you until you came home. Voicemail, email, instant messaging, Twitter, Facebook, and texting have changed all that. As I think about how quickly I respond when my phone beeps, it makes me consider how my expectation of instant feedback influences my perception of prayer.

The new pastor at my church once compared praying continuously to God to texting regularly throughout the day. It's an interesting comparison to be sure, but do we need God to respond immediately for us to feel he's heard us? What happens when God makes us wait for our answers? Do we slow down sending our messages or give up altogether?

I have always been taught that a regular prayer life is essential to following Christ, but I have struggled at times with keeping a dialogue going with someone who doesn't audibly speak back. During times of darkness and suffering, praying becomes even harder for me. Not only am I not hearing anything, but the stakes are much higher. I'm not asking for nice weather on a vacation or a convenient parking spot. Requests made of God during suffering are serious and, in my opinion, urgent.

This past week was an especially difficult one for me. I had come to the point where I felt like my prayers did not matter, my opinions and feelings disregarded, my messages to God pushed aside. It was as if I had inwardly given up on the power of prayer, going through the motions but feeling defeated before I began. This inward sense of halfhearted begging seemed insurmountable to me until I read about David's prayers for his firstborn son with Bathsheba.

God had already told David through a prophet that his son, the product of an adulterous affair, would die. David, repenting of the affair and of murdering Bathsheba's husband, prayed to God to spare his son's life. He didn't just bow his head and ask quietly. He fasted, wept, and threw himself on the ground in complete desperation. Why did he bother when God had already spoken? After his son died, David explained that while his son was still alive, he thought there was a chance God could relent and spare the child.

The Bible study I'm doing caused me to stop and think about the boldness of that prayer. David had committed the sins of adultery and murder. He was obviously in the wrong and had not repented on his own for many months. God finally confronted him, showed him mercy by sparing his own life and his kingdom, and still David prayed for more mercy. As it turned out, God did indeed give David blessing through another son born to Bathsheba - the future King Solomon.

If I had been David, I think I would have simply grieved the inevitable. God had spoken. Who am I to try to ask for more? To try to avoid my consequences? This is how I pray now - as if the Lord has spoken and I am a passive object with no say in the matter.

The study notes pointed out that we all should pray passionately as David prayed.

"Through David's crisis, he was reminded of all he knew of God's ways. David did not plead with God out of ignorance or naivete, but out of his intimate knowledge of God. God does indeed hear our prayers and reserves the right to relent if the change does not compromise an eternal necessity."

For proof, I was guided to look up the story of Moses interceding for Israel in Exodus 33:3, 15-17 as well as Hezekiah pleading for God to extend his life when he was about to die in Isaiah 38:1-5.

These stories of God responding to human prayers gave me renewed strength to pray. This time, I am praying with boldness and expect to be heard and for God to respond. Maybe he won't respond as quickly as I feel he should or in the ways that might seem most obvious, but I'm newly motivated when I read that God's heart is moved to action by faithful, fervent prayers.

The study went on to summarize:

"David knew something about his God that we need to realize as well. God did not create man in His own image to be unaffected by him. More than any other creature, we are products not of His head, but of His heart. Numerous times in Scripture God responds to the needs of His people with the words, "I have heard your cry."

If you have run out of steam in your prayer life and feel that God is ignoring your urgent messages to him, don't fall for the lie that your prayers aren't making a difference. Jesus encourages us to be persistent in our prayers - to always pray and not give up.

And will not God bring about justice for his chosen ones, who cry out to him day and night? Will he keep putting them off? I tell you, he will see that they get justice, and quickly.
Luke 18:7-8

Living Better with Dysautonomia (Help #3: Water)

2011-02-07T10:07:00.003-05:00

Help #3: Water

It's very important to stay hydrated when dealing with POTS/dysautonomia. When you struggle with low blood pressure and high heart rate like I do, having water on hand constantly is essential.

Why drink smartwater? Smartwater is purified water and contains electrolytes - potassium, calcium, and magnesium. Granted, the small amounts of these electrolytes aren't going to replenish the body like a sports drink. However, smartwater contains no sugar or dye, has a fresh, clean taste, and is vapor distilled to eliminate contaminants that are found in tap water.

Personally, if I am going to have to drink water constantly, I want it to be safe and to taste good. I also want it to be easily portable. I take these bottles with me everywhere. Since the environment is a concern, it's important to note that the bottles are recyclable and reusable.

I've been drinking smartwater since my doctor recommended it years ago, and it has definitely been worth the investment (about $1 per liter) in terms of taste, portability, and health benefits.

Living Better with Dysautonomia (Help #2: Yoga)

2011-01-29T12:46:00.009-05:00

Help #2: Yoga

Since the extent of my yoga "experience" is comprised of 2 individual classes taken about 7 years ago, I wouldn't consider myself a yoga buff. However, last summer I read an article about how doing yoga can help recovered cancer patients sleep better. I figured that since I had trouble sleeping, fatigue, and needed to do some mild exercise anyway, it couldn't hurt to look for a yoga DVD.

I began my search by previewing yoga DVDs from the library. My criteria for a good video were as follows:

1) Most exercises had to be done either lying down or sitting.
2) I needed to feel like I'd stretched my entire body by the end.
3) It had to have one continuous routine, not disjointed clips of single positions.
4) I wanted it to be dynamic enough to feel like exercise but relaxing enough to relieve stress.
5) All of this had to occur in about 30 minutes or less. I can't spend the whole day doing yoga.

Despite many stress relief videos on the market, it was hard to find a DVD like this. I can't stand perched on one leg for 5 minutes with POTS. Blood pools in my legs, and the longer I stand still, the worse I feel. It was very important to find just the right routine for my energy level and medical needs.

Some videos were too fast, too aerobic, and I couldn't keep up.

Still others had me too relaxed, lying still for several minutes at a time. By the end, I felt like I'd just had an unsatisfactory nap on the floor.

So, it was with some Goldilocks-type excitement that I stumbled upon the DVD "Easy Yoga" by Gaiam with Suzanne Deason. Now, this is not the "perfect" DVD for POTS. It is, however, an easy and thorough stretching routine that refreshes me on days when I am lacking energy.

At first, I almost discarded it because of a series of standing stretches in the middle of the routine. However, I decided that I could manage with very slow transitions or even skipping certain postures.

The routine moves along at quite a fast clip initially, but with practice, I can now settle into most positions early enough to have plenty of time to stretch and transition to the next move.

The flow of the routine is very smooth. I never feel like I'm being jarred into a new position. The momentum builds very naturally from relaxed at the beginning to strength-building of the legs and then back to relaxing again.

I felt an increase in flexibility and muscle tone after doing the routine just 2-3 times a week for a couple weeks.

It requires a mat, a block, and a strap. I have a mat now but previously used a blanket. I skip using the block (you could use a book) and grabbed an old belt for a strap.

Breathing is key when doing this routine. At first, it was hard to coordinate the movements with the breath instructions, but once I practiced, the breathing felt natural and enhanced my stretching and stress-relief quite a bit.

It's important to note that I tried taking a hard line with myself when I first bought this DVD. I forced myself to do the routine on days when my fatigue was intense. Pushing my body too hard made my symptoms worse, so I have learned to pass on exercise if I'm having a particularly bad day. Respecting my physical limitations helps me function at my best.

Finally, I will end this review with my favorite part about the DVD: the last pose. After the rhythmic waves of stretching and breathing decrescendo to the last posture, I savor that peaceful place. You'll have to check this video out of the library or buy it to experience it for yourself!

Living Better with Dysautonomia (Help #1: Support)

2011-01-28T10:38:00.012-05:00

In this and future posts, I plan to share things that have helped me on my journey to living better with POTS (a form of dysautonomia). These tips may not be right for everyone, but they are options that have worked for me. I hope that these posts will be an encouragement to those of you struggling with chronic illness. As this series progresses, please feel free to comment on what has helped you too. I am always looking for ways to improve my overall health and quality of life!

(Update: I originally started blogging this series in a random order, but I have reconsidered and decided to post in order of what has helped me the most. For those of you observant readers, you will notice that I have changed my number one help to be support because I think that is a critical need for those of us with ANS dysfunction.)

Help #1: Support

I will never forget those early days of diagnosis. One powerful word comes to mind when I think of that time: isolation.

I was confused, very sick, unable to work, and I couldn't get straight answers about treatments or my prognosis. Tons of questions swirled in my head. Would I ever stand again without being dizzy? Would I ever drive? Could this be permanent? What medications work best? Am I on the right doses? Will I have to give up my career?

Additionally, I felt life slipping through my fingers, but none of my friends could truly empathize. Their lives went on as normal. They hadn't even heard of my condition before.

As a researcher, my first inclination was to do a Google search about POTS. I landed at dinet.org and found home. At DINET, not only could I find valuable information about my illness, but I found an active forum to support me through my emotional struggles, questions, and grief. The devastation of being disabled at age 23 was understood by peers who were enduring the same thing. Seasoned veterans, already adjusted to life with POTS, offered wisdom and hope to us newbies. Every step of the way, I had a reliable place to go for comfort and advice.

If you suffer from ANS dysfunction or think you might suffer from it, DINET is the place to find support. I have made some dear friends through this site. During a time of life when I felt no one could possibly relate to what I was going through, these friends could. Even now, as I endure multiple trials on top of illness, I'm continually encouraged by them, for they understand what it feels like to hurt deeply, to not be understood, and to struggle for years with no end in sight.

DINET is a place that provides hope, education, and compassion. These are invaluable treasures to a person suffering with dysautonomia.

The Now and The Not Yet

2011-01-18T15:09:00.005-05:00

When I read this verse this morning, it filled me with hope for the future.

Beloved, we are God's children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is.
1 John 3:2

The ESV Study Bible note on this verse states:
What we will be means having glorified bodies that will never be sick or grow old or die, and being completely without sin. No one like that has yet appeared on earth (except Christ himself after his resurrection).

I am pressing on today because as God's child, the best is yet to come!

Breaking the Cycle

2011-01-11T12:12:00.009-05:00

Treating dysautonomia is often a game of trial and error. The autonomic nervous system is dynamic and complex, and the reasons for its dysfunction can be varied and not easily pinpointed. One person might have a genetic predisposition. Another person's case might be due to a trauma, surgery, child birth, Lyme disease, or a viral component.

The origin of my illness was likely due to exposure to toxic mold and then subsequent pesticide exposure. Though I could limp along and appear to function for a while, it took years for my symptoms to manifest in a way that completely incapacitated me. A flu virus pushed my already weak body over the edge, and after collapsing, I could no longer go on with my daily life.

Treating my dysautonomia has been difficult. Mostly, I am told to live life within my limitations, take in plenty of salt and fluids to maintain blood pressure, and to perform mild exercise as I am able. These treatments have only taken me so far, and so I sought the opinion of a specialist in chronic illness last fall.

This physician urged me to try a new diet free of sugar and carbohydrates, based on her diagnosis of "leaky gut syndrome." In her opinion, my past mold and chemical exposures caused damage to my intestines. The cells lining the intestine are normally very tightly knit together so that only nutrients and vitamins can be absorbed into the bloodstream. However, with increased intestinal permeability, the gaps between these cells widen, allowing larger particles, toxins, and bacteria into the body. As she explained, this creates a cycle of inflammation and inappropriate immune response that manifests as systemic disease, fatigue, stomach problems, aching muscles, and even autonomic nervous system dysfunction.

Trying to break this inflammatory cycle is difficult and requires me to make positive choices almost hour by hour about what I will put into my body. If I put in the wrong foods, my gut won't be able to handle the onslaught, ultimately leading to more inflammation and increased symptoms.

When I woke up from a recurring dream last night, the fight to keep my thoughts from dwelling on the dream reminded me of my struggle with leaky gut syndrome. Every time I tried to quit thinking about the dream, it came back again. I knew from past experience that if I allowed these thoughts to permeate into my mind that I would have a full-blown assault on my emotions, which would lead to "spiritual inflammation" and losing my sense of peace.

It occurred to me that areas of weakness in my thought life create a "leaky mind."

For example, I am often tempted to compare myself to others. I'll be consuming a diet of Facebook photos when suddenly one will trigger an envious response. I'll feel like less of a person compared to what that person has. I'm also tempted in other ways - to fear, to not trust God, to covet, to dwell on the past, to feel guilt and condemnation, to be discontent with what God has given me - just to name a few. All these areas of weakness are like gaps in my spiritual defense. Negative thoughts leak in through these weaknesses, and before I know it, more unpleasant thoughts lead to negative emotions, which lead to a full-blown spiritual attack. Then I feel defeated, like I can't even lift my head. It takes a lot of encouragement to come back from a blow like that, so the best way to head it off is to break the cycle at the beginning. This starts with diet.

Just like my food diet, I have to be disciplined to make good choices every minute and every hour about what I "consume" mentally. I am responsible for what my eyes take in, for what I hear, for what I choose to dwell on, and if I repeatedly choose healthy thoughts, I lessen the chance of a tempting idea taking me down into an all-out defeat.

The similarities of my physical and spiritual condition are fascinating to me. We as people are consuming all the time in order to exist. We must eat food, and we must consume ideas, philosophies, and thoughts that bombard us on a daily basis. Our minds can only filter out so many negative things until we are overloaded. I have realized during this time of trial that my mind is extra-sensitive to negative input. It's my job to repeatedly reject those unbiblical thoughts before they leak in and reignite the cycle of spiritual inflammation.

By repeatedly rejecting wrong thoughts and instead pursuing a diet of right thoughts, I've found that I can live at peace spiritually, even in the midst of temptation and trial.

Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.
1 Peter 5:8-9

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
Philippians 4:8

"Brighter Days Will Come"

2010-12-31T01:28:00.007-05:00

My mom was once dumped by a guy who, after breaking her heart, offered her the callous (and egotistical) consolation of "Brighter days will come." That line has survived as somewhat of a family joke during hard times, providing much-needed comic relief. Though, whenever it's said, deep down I kind of hope it's true.

I have wrestled with the fact that there are no "guarantees" in this life. Some people emerge from trials with stories of victory, and others continue to struggle and endure difficulty all their days. It's ok for me to ask God to deliver, but the fact is that he is God Almighty, sovereign over all creation (including me), and it may be his will for me to remain in difficult circumstances while I continue to trust Him.

As the new year of 2011 approaches, I'm torn between fear and hope. Will things get better, worse, stay the same? Are there any guarantees left in this life?

As I watched TV the other day, I heard a preacher refer to Ephesians 1:13-14:

In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory.

What I love most about this verse is that it doesn't offer false hope. It's not that God "might" bless me or "perhaps" things will get better. No. God the Father who sits on the throne of Heaven has given me a very personal guarantee - proof of his love - a certain sign of what is to come. And this guarantee is not a vision that someone could misinterpret or a letter that someone could fake.

When the Israelites wandered in the wilderness, the most important part of their identity was having God dwell with them. Moses said that they could not move forward unless God went with them (Exodus 33:15). When I read this, I realize that I take for granted the awesome gift that God now sends his Spirit to dwell in each believer. I don't need to go to a temple to seek him in prayer. I don't have to find a priest who can go to God on my behalf. Because of Christ's sacrifice and the gift of the Holy Spirit, I can now fellowship freely and continually with holy God. I also receive an iron-clad guarantee from God that I will one day acquire a mind-blowing inheritance - inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade. (1 Peter 1:4).

That passage of 1 Peter reminds me that though I may suffer here for a while, the testing of my genuine faith glorifies God and is of greater worth than gold. It's important to keep my eyes on the prize this new year. In 2011, there may be great triumphs or more dark valleys, but the Lord God is with me every second and has given me a guarantee - that by believing in his only Son as Savior, my marvelous inheritance is signed for, I've been sealed, and now I'm just waiting for delivery.

For those who accept God's offer of his Son, it is only a matter of time before the brightest days do indeed come.

Encouraged (and Giveaway Winner)

2010-12-18T02:21:00.003-05:00

I was deeply touched to receive this comment from a reader last week. It was a difficult week for me physically as well as emotionally, due to illness in my family, and the power of that person's encouraging words brought tears to my eyes, renewed my strength, and made a big difference in my life.

Over the next several days, I received five other messages out of the blue that lifted me up as well. I could feel God's comfort through the loving words of others.

Today, remember that God uses us as his conduits to bring compassion and love to the lives of those who are hurting. Don't underestimate the power of a kind and healing word spoken at just the right time. You just may be God's messenger of hope for someone battling the darkness.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.
2 Corinthians 1:3-5

**Anonymous - Please contact me with your address at colorsofqavah (at) aol (dot) com so that I can send you the book "Perfect Trust." And thank you for your message of hope and encouragement!

Anxious Thoughts (and a Christmas Giveaway!)

2010-12-09T01:12:00.003-05:00

During a particularly anxiety-ridden night earlier this week, I prayed for comfort in the lonely, dark hours of the early morning. I suddenly remembered a particular book called "Perfect Trust" that I heavily relied upon for comfort years ago, so I pulled it off my shelf. The little book is by Charles Swindoll, and though it is tiny (a bit larger than a 4x6 index card), the words in it are mighty, powerful scriptures combined with just the right encouragement for a hurting, troubled soul. I thought I would share a passage that particularly helped me:

You may be going through some of the hardest days of your life. You may be wondering Why? Why me? Why this trial?

James wrote to Christians who were enduring great persecution. They were probably asking those same questions. He answered them in this way. "Blessed is a man who perseveres under trial; for once he has been approved, he will receive the crown of life which the Lord has promised to those who love Him" (James 1:12). He was saying that when you persevere through a trial, God gives you a special measure of insight. You become the recipient of the favor of God as He gives to you, and those who suffer with you, something that would not be learned otherwise.

That word persevere is very important. It's an archaic word and we don't hear much about it in our day of bailing out and giving up. We don't hear much about hanging in there and persevering...about staying power! But there is more to it than merely enduring. It's one thing to stand grim-faced, tightfisted, and staring at God with anger, saying, "How DARE YOU! What right do You have?" or "Look at what I've done for you! And look at what I get in return!" That's one kind of perseverance. But there's another kind. The kind that stands with an open hand and open arms, that looks into the face of God and replies, "I submit myself to You. I'm trying hard to hear what You're saying. I wholly and completely admit my dependence. I've run out of answers. I'm waiting."

You may be going through a trial so overwhelming that it's borderline unbearable. You want to see the end of the tunnel. Which is only natural, because once we see that little speck of light, we feel we can make it through to the finish. But God's tunnels are often twisting, too complex and dark to see the light for many days. In such settings He says, "In that dark, twisting, seemingly endless period of time, trust me. Stop running scared! Stop fearing!"

This message reminded me that in the midst of chaos and uncertainty, God repeatedly asks me to trust Him and wait with hope and expectation. He assures that at the end of that long, dark wait, there will be great reward.

As a special Christmas gift, I will be giving away one copy of the powerful little book "Perfect Trust" by Charles Swindoll. Just leave a comment below, and I will use random.org to choose a winner on Friday December 17th.

Mythbusters Tornado Shield

2010-12-05T07:42:00.003-05:00

As a kid, I was always fascinated by tornados. Ok, it was more utter fear than anything. But now that I'm older, shows like Storm Chasers on Discovery kind of intrigue me. I mean, the whole premise is people purposefully driving as close as possible to the biggest tornados they can find. Now that's worth watching.

Imagine my delight when I saw one of my favorite shows (Mythbusters) team up with two of the Storm Chasers crew in order to test how their vehicles would fair in maximum tornado-force winds. Tornados + Science + TV = DVR this now.

After the TIVs (tornado intercept vehicles) were tested in up to 250 mph winds behind the jet engine of a 747, Jamie and Adam from Mythbusters attempted to construct a "personal tornado shield" for protection outside of those specialized SUVs.

The shield had to be portable, so at first glance, it looked like a flimsy tent with some panels on the front. Jamie crawled inside to test his invention, and this video shows what happened:

When he emerged after surviving 180 mph winds, he talked about the raw power of the wind, how terrifying it was to be in the dark, and feeling like he was being beaten. Yet, the shield was a great success, having withstood the intense force of the jet engine at full throttle.

It occurred to me as I watched that this experiment illustrated a greater truth than just how much wind a man can endure. During this time of intense trial and spiritual attack, I've found that I don't stand a chance against the storms that rage against me unless I have a shield to protect me. My church recently taught a vital series on the armor of God, reminding me of how the Bible equips me to withstand the powerful attack of the Enemy.

Hanging on for dear life, I cling to my shield of faith, trusting that no matter what debris comes flying my way that I can withstand the hit. Having faith in Christ doesn't necessarily take away the feelings of powerlessness, fear, doubt, or even physical suffering, but what it does do is cover me with peace that doesn't depend on circumstances. It gets me through the trial intact, as a survivor.

When you are suffering strong storms in your life and it feels like God is letting Satan push that throttle forward so that you can't stand on your own, remember to cling not to what you feel but to what you know - the truth of God's Word. Trusting the Bible relentlessly through trial is what anchors us to the Rock of Christ, our foundation.

Through faith in Jesus and relationship with him, he gives us his strength to endure, enabling us to withstand far more than we could by ourselves. With His protection, when the wind is finally shut off, we will be led home safely, intact, as blessed survivors.

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.

But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.”
Matthew 7:24-27

Love's Painful Wait

2010-11-24T09:23:00.007-05:00

Well over 6 years ago, I was badly bitten by a dog while pet sitting. I washed the bite immediately and called someone to take me to the ER. I had to wait for a long time before I was called back to be seen by a doctor, and finally I was treated and sent home.

However, the bite was deep, and the long wait combined with the wrong antibiotic had allowed a serious infection to develop. My entire hand was red and swollen, the knuckles barely visible. When I visited my doctor afterward, she was alarmed and put me on two antibiotics. I was ordered not to return to work or school, to keep my hand elevated, and to call her if the swelling spread.

I could not see any positives in this situation. The medications disturbed my sleep and gave me a rash. I got behind on all of my lectures, missed band rehearsals, and most of all felt mad that this one stupid incident was costing me weeks of productivity.

Looking back on that time now, I can see that it wasn't worthless. Because I was up late with nothing to do, I began talking online (typing one-handed) with the man who would later become my serious boyfriend. And as we discussed faith in depth with no time constraints, God used that time to begin to move his heart. Just 2 months later, he dedicated his life to Christ.

It's now easy for me to see that not only was God doing great things for his kingdom through my temporary suffering, but he also was doing great things for me.

It's interesting for me to see that Jesus has a habit of allowing temporary pain for a greater purpose.

When called by a man whose daughter was dying, Jesus stopped on the way to heal another woman who had a chronic illness and was in no danger of death. When he finally arrived at the house, the man's daughter had died. Jesus was late.

When Jesus was called by his dear friends Mary and Martha and told that their brother Lazarus was dying, Jesus again took his time. When he finally arrived to meet them, Lazarus had been dead 4 days. Late again.

In my own life, I cry out to God in prayer so often for him to help me with my physical trials, with my emotional distress, and when he doesn't relieve these issues or deliver me, I feel what these people must have felt - not only the deep anguish of my losses, but also the grieving disappointment of Jesus not loving me the way I expect him to love me.

But what I realized as I read about Lazarus today is that Jesus makes me wait BECAUSE he loves me. The wait through pain is an expression of his love.

The reason I know this is because of 2 verses in John that at first seem paradoxical:
"Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. So, when he heard that Lazarus was ill, he stayed two days longer in the place where he was."

I had to re-read this several times and check my study notes. Sure enough, the notes say:
"So, therefore" shows the reason why Jesus stayed...He allowed his friends to go through the sorrow and hardship of the death and mourning of Lazarus because he loved them and wanted them to witness an amazing demonstration of Jesus' power over death.

He loved them, so he had them wait.

In my mind, this makes no sense. If I love someone, I want to be there to make everything better, to soothe, to take away the pain as soon as possible. In my human realm of thinking, pain is to be avoided at all costs.

But in the Kingdom of God, pain is not the ultimate evil to be avoided. Death and eternal separation from God is the worst possible case. Whenever Jesus can use circumstances to bring people to saving faith or to deepen the faith of those who believe, it is worth the temporary pain that may take place. It is worth the wait.

As I wait through a number of difficult trials right now, I can be tempted to see this as callous and lacking compassion. I cry out over and over to God, and yet he does not move to relieve my suffering. Through this story of Lazarus, I can be assured that as long as my pain remains, there are necessary and high-stakes eternal implications for it. But what about how I feel emotionally? Does Jesus care?

His response is to weep with me. When Mary confronted him (as I so often have), he "was deeply moved in his spirit." My Bible says this word for deeply moved is used here twice for how he feels and nowhere else in the entire New Testament. It was a "profound sorrow at the death of his friend and at the grief that his other friends had suffered." Jesus cries honest and genuine tears of sorrow when we are waiting in faith through pain. He cries with us and is deeply moved by our prayers. He intellectually understands the big picture and why we have to wait, but his emotions are with us in understanding the grief we must endure in the process.

It is the end of the wait that makes his love not late but awesome. When Jesus went to the tomb, he cried out in a loud voice, "Lazarus, come out." And after 4 days dead in the tomb, Lazarus walked out alive.

And that other man's daughter who died before Jesus arrived? Jesus raised her from the dead too.

If your circumstances look dead, if your wait seems long and cruel, if God does not answer you with deliverance when you ask, know first and foremost that he loves you. He loves not in spite of the waiting but he loves you with, through, and during the wait most of all. It is his plan to bring about glory for his kingdom and also to deepen your faith and bring blessing to you.

Know also that he cries with you. He himself has suffered brutality and can empathize perfectly with you. He is deeply moved by your cries and your disappointment expressed honestly and openly to him.

And most important of all, know this: "Jesus said to her, 'I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die.' "

He has the power to raise others from the dead. He has the power to raise himself from the dead. And in the last day, he will raise the whole world with just the sound of his voice. Jesus is the resurrection. He is the life beyond the grave. By believing and waiting on him, we set ourselves up to see greater things than we could ever imagine. He hasn't just come to bandage up the broken pieces of our lives. He has come to give us new life in Him.

Better than a Buick

2010-11-05T03:15:00.004-04:00

Just today, I was watching Ellen. She was recognizing someone who had done a lot of good works in the community (who herself had very little to live on and was asking for help). When the woman got called up on stage, it was very moving because this person who had worked for a long time without recognition was finally receiving reward. I saw her receive a new car, and then when they came back from the break, she also received 10,000 dollars. It reminded me of this verse:

"If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!"
Matthew 7:11

I thought, if a mere human can reward another human for good works so richly and extravagantly, then imagine the gifts we will receive from God for doing his work in his name and asking him for help.

It's a challenge for me to remain encouraged when I feel as sick as I have the past few days. I seem to repeat the familiar chronic-illness-cycle of pushing too hard and then paying the price. I get discouraged because my emotional ability to cope well with my family's ongoing struggles is eroded by my physical weakness. At my sickest, I also feel the most powerless, the most irritable, and the least effective for God.

The reward on this TV show today reminded me of how long we sometimes have to labor quietly in dark times before we receive blessing for our obedience. If you are struggling alone and feel like you are not making progress in your trials, be encouraged by this quote from George D. Watson (a Wesleyan minister from the 20th century):

"The Lord may let others be honored and put forward while keeping you hidden in obscurity because He wants to produce some choice, fragrant fruit for His coming glory, which can only be produced in the shade."

Though we may feel that nothing is changing in our circumstances, we can trust God to grow the fruit of his character in our lives as we quietly wait and labor for him.

“No eye has seen,
no ear has heard,
no mind has conceived
what God has prepared for those who love him”
1 Corinthians 2:9

When God's Not In A Hurry to Fix It

2010-10-21T08:21:00.007-04:00

I confess that sometimes I can have some really negative thoughts about people getting quick, miraculous answers to prayer. I just finished reading the book "At Home in Mitford," which is about a fictional pastor in a small southern town. The book is comfortable to read because the problems that occur are resolved in a fast, tidy way after asking God for help. The lost boy was found, the kidnapped dog came home, the young sick woman got a heart transplant. I could go on, but those are enough spoilers.

My impression while reading the book was one of vague annoyance at times. "Real life doesn't always work like this!" I thought in my heart. My own family has been suffering for years, and God has not fixed this! I finished the book, and before Bible study yesterday, I cried out to God something like this:

I know you love me and you're faithful, but it's so hard for me to keep going like this. I get so weak seeing my loved ones suffering emotionally and physically. I can't fix this, and I'm waiting on you to do it, but you're not moving! Please come. Please help me. Please show me what to do. I just want to hear you speak.

More than the words, it was the emotion that streamed out of me to God, opening up and pouring out what I keep pressed deep down inside. I try to seal up my painful feelings so I can just cope day to day.

I watched the video at Bible study last night and took in the practical teaching about spiritual warfare. I was reminded that the Enemy is the ultimate counterfeit and has a plan for my life to try to tear me away from God, make me doubt Him, and erode my faith and trust. It alerted me to how much I have to be on guard to protect my faith during this time when I am so prone to discouragement and despair of God ever moving in my circumstances.

When I began my first reading for the week this morning, I was face to face with a lesson all about my feelings of discouragement with God. The lesson covered David fleeing from Saul and giving up hope of surviving. He said in his heart, "One of these days I will be destroyed by the hand of Saul. The best thing I can do is to escape to the land of the Philistines."

The study then pointed me to Psalm 10 where David pours out his heart to God in much the same way I did - asking God why he allows wicked and arrogant people to succeed and seems to turn a blind eye to evil. When God's not in a hurry to fix our difficult situations or stop evil, what are we supposed to do?

David, a faithful man who spoke from experience, laid it all out:
"But you, O God, do see trouble and grief;
you consider it to take it in hand.
The victim commits himself to you;
you are the helper of the fatherless."

The victim (the helpless) commits himself to God. This is a decision of the will that no matter how bad things get, my allegiance will not waver. I must be "all in" with God, daily renewing my commitment to Him rather than yielding to my own anger or fear.

This psalm says that God does three actions for those who come to him hurting:
1) He hears the desires of the afflicted.
2) He strengthens (encourages) their hearts.
3) He inclines his ear (listens) to their cries.

Since we have a good God who knows our desires, encourages us, and listens to our cries, we have to keep going in the face of not getting what we expect. We have to love him for who he is rather than what we receive.

At the end of the lesson for today, Beth Moore suggested two verses to give both hope and direction when we feel like life will never get any better. Here is what we are to do when our problems aren't getting fixed:

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up."
Galatians 6:9

"So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good."
1 Peter 4:19

The repeated call to commit to God and do good during long times of suffering is my battle plan from God's Word. I must daily wake up and commit my heart to the Lord. I must actively seek out ways to do good to others. By doing these things, I keep my heart from soaking in bitterness, anger, and self-pity, and in the process, I defeat the devil by blessing other people and bringing God glory. I don't do good to earn God's love and approval or to bribe him into helping me. The work I do is out of love for my Master who first loved me. I must work with a fully surrendered spirit, trusting that he will do what is best for my life and that the best may hurt for a time.

It's Spiritual Survival 101 - Commit to God and Do Good. Let's not grow weary as we wait expectantly on the Lord who saves.

The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.
Lamentations 3:25-26

Endurance

2010-10-19T09:14:00.009-04:00

Ever feel like walking the path of faith is a monumental struggle?

Do you feel weak and overwhelmed as you try to hang on to God through tough times that never seem to end?

Here is an encouraging thought about faith from Jan Karon's book At Home in Mitford:

"I've never been one for physical exercise," she said, "but what God does with our faith must be something like workouts. He sees to it that our faith gets pushed and pulled, stretched, and pounded, taken to its limits so its limits can expand."

Rescued

2010-10-14T06:03:00.006-04:00

While I was watching TV tonight, I saw footage of one of the Chilean miners emerging from the rescue capsule for his first taste of fresh air in 69 days.

As he embraced his wife and the crowd cheered in loud cries of victory, I could feel tears begin to well up in my eyes. The power of that moment was profound. Reporters claimed that there were no dry eyes in the media area as hope for each of the 33 trapped lives was fulfilled one by one.

It occurred to me as I watched that I feel a similar sense of wonder when I see a birth or a baptism take place, and as I thought about it more tonight, it makes sense why. The mine collapse is a tragedy that is strikingly symbolic of the broken condition of our world. The fall of mankind has been trapping all who ever lived on earth in the web of personal sin and in the sins of others. We all fall victim to the domino-like consequences that bind us in illness, broken relationships, fear, insecurity, and feelings of hopelessness. As we wrestle to break free ourselves, sin just seems to entangle us more. The harder we try, the more we fail. In the darkness, there is no way out.

That is until the drill breaks through from the surface, and the path to life becomes possible for us. Jesus broke through into this world when he was born, and like that precious rescue capsule "The Phoenix," his death and resurrection offer us a safe transport to the surface. If we get in and take that ride with him, we transfer from certain death to life.

When I think about the unimaginable suffering that those miners endured, it's a powerful reminder for me to give thanks to God, not only for the miraculous rescue of all 33 lives, but also for the even greater rescue effort God has put into place for each of us living in this broken world today. Chilean President Sebastian Pinera spoke about the impending rescue in language that mirrors the rescue mission of Christ:

"It will be a true rebirth, not just for the miners but for the spirit of unity, strength, faith and hope they have shown our country and the world."

When we choose to turn from our sins and follow Christ, we experience a true rebirth into eternal life that can never perish, spoil, or fade away. If you haven't yet chosen Jesus as your savior, consider the words of one young trapped miner who pondered the reasons for his 69-day suffering:

"God wanted me to stay here, I do not know why.

Maybe for me to change."

I don't always understand why God keeps me in a place of hardship, but I do know that God is working on changing me. God often wields suffering as a tool to get our attention before it's too late. Though we are trapped in a world that is filled with sorrow, hardship, evil, death, and pain, be assured that God's Spirit is working a rescue mission that is first spiritual and invisible but will soon become physical. We may not see it now, but gradually, he works to bring about change in our hearts so that we turn ever more toward Him. Remember that though you walk in darkness now, the rescue from death to life is only a prayer away.

Jesus declared, "I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again."

"How can a man be born when he is old?" Nicodemus asked. "Surely he cannot enter a second time into his mother's womb to be born!"

Jesus answered, "I tell you the truth, no one can enter the kingdom of God unless he is born of water and the Spirit. Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit. John 3:3-5

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. John 3:16-17

Picture from dailymail.co.uk
Quotes from mirror.co.uk

The Skinny Mitten

2010-10-05T02:43:00.004-04:00

This weekend, while I organized some of my knitting projects, I dug into an old bag buried in the back of my closet.

I peered inside, picking up the handle of the worn and crumpled plastic with care. Multitudes of old paper yarn wrappers spilled out, and as I prodded a bit further, I saw the fuzz of an unfinished blue mitten weighing down the bottom of the bag.

Now, a little background about this mitten: It was made during the period of time shortly after I had gotten sick/disabled. I was trying to find something to do that would distract my whirling mind but not make demands on my broken body. It just so happened that I had been taught to crochet some basic stitches a few years before, and so after a scarf or two and a few squares for a baby blanket, I decided to try my hand at a "useful" project. In order to do this, I needed to ramp up my skill level to "mitten." At the "mitten level," I imagined myself cranking out multitudes of soft pairs of perfect mittens for all my friends at Christmas. After all, how hard could it be to make a mitten?

I plunged into Project Mitten full force. I began with a ball of the softest blue yarn I could find. It was fuzzy, twisted, and a deep sapphire color. Unfortunately, each stitch with this yarn was a battle. I couldn't keep my hook from snagging and tugging every few stitches, and because the yarn was so fuzzy, I had trouble seeing what I was doing. It made counting and following the pattern very difficult. However, I stubbornly pushed forward in my quest for making a legitimate article of clothing.

This, of course, proved to be ill-fated. Much to my chagrin, as I donned the mitten in preparation to sew up the side, it extended far beyond my fingers yet could barely close around my palm. It was the longest, skinniest, ugliest mitten I'd ever seen. I even tried it on my grandma who has the slimmest hands of the family. I'm pretty sure she laughed when she saw it.

There I was, stuck with a blue, bulky, cumbersome mitten that couldn't even close around my hand. I had just poured hours of blood, sweat, and tears into this useless thumbed garment, and I was faced with the dilemma of either making a second disfigured twin to match or to attempt an altogether shorter mitten which might fit properly but sadly would not match the first. The third option (that I felt unmentionable at the time) was to rip the whole thing out and start again, but after all my toil, I just couldn't face starting once more, and besides, I didn't think the fuzzy yarn would retain its integrity after being subjected to my inexperienced crochet hook again. I did the only logical thing.

I stuffed it in a plastic grocery bag, forgot about it, and made my friends little scarves instead.

So this weekend (about 4 years later), as I gingerly pulled my decidedly sad blue friend from the bonds of crumpled plastic, I recalled the history of the skinny mitten and decided that enough time had passed for me to say farewell. I considered tossing it in the trash, but for some reason, ripping out the yarn to use again seemed like more humane treatment for something that had required so much of my precious energy. I began to wiggle the loose strands in order to start the process of pulling out the overly tight stitches. It unraveled like a cap gun the faster I pulled. Pop, pop, pop went each stitch as I wound the yarn around my hand.

As the ball over my fist grew bigger, it suddenly struck me how sticky and cheap the yarn felt to the touch. It was as if strands of chemicals were leaving a residue on my fingers. I marveled at the fact that I had once considered this the "softest" yarn around.

Sometime after the mitten fiasco, I remember stumbling into a yarn store where my friend led me to my life-changing encounter with natural fiber yarn. I had at first dismissed this idea as boring since the yarn wasn't available in flashy colors or laced with fringe, sparkles, or ribbon. However, I later agreed to try it. The incredible softness and ease of use converted me on the spot. I finally saw the light of how much better natural fiber yarns could be. Instead of struggling with each stitch of acrylic yarn, my projects with genuine wool became enjoyable and fun.

As I disentangled the old, sticky, mitten mess, I suddenly saw an example of how easy it is to settle for (and even adore) an artificial substitute when I haven't yet tasted the real thing. When I started crocheting, I had never been exposed to natural yarns. I didn't understand the difference between yarn that came straight from a sheep and strands from a chemistry beaker. Now I can tell the difference instantly, and it's a big difference.

I have a history of settling for artificial substitutes in other areas of my life too - like the many years I indulged in processed foods and high-sugar snacks to boost my mood instead of "boring" whole fruits and vegetables. Food packed with nutrition was the real thing, but I passionately preferred that which was man-made. In settling for the fraudulent delicacies, I was cheating myself out of feeling better simply for the sake of instant gratification.

Of course, most importantly, I see the same parallel spiritually. I'm guilty of looking to the "artificial" here on earth to fill my needs. Like with the acrylic yarn, I once ignorantly settled for entertainment, achievement, affirmation, and relationships to keep me feeling good, pushing God to the side where I could fit him in. Even as a Christian, I didn't understand emotionally that Jesus is the true source of all comfort, satisfaction, acceptance, and love. I kept looking for these things in people and experiences, not realizing I was just setting up idols for myself.

What changed me is that ALL of those artificial substitutes failed to comfort me when troubled times hit. I had to find better answers because of the deep pain. Suffering through trial has forced me to recognize the impotence of my substitutes and to seek an emotional connection with my Savior Jesus, who sustains me and gives me genuine joy.

When Christ comes back, all the worldly things that we lived for here will be destroyed. Jesus will remain, and those who choose to trust him will taste eternal life. On that day, no substitutes will do.

Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world. The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.
1 John 2:15-17

Hungry for More

2010-09-20T09:11:00.004-04:00

I'm now about 2-1/2 weeks into my new low-carb diet recommended by my doctor. I'm past the intense sugar cravings, and I've settled into a kind of protein-veggie rhythm, punctuated by sweet potatoes and unsweetened yogurt.

It's been a curious experience to reroute my appetite like a riverbed. My once bread-based diet has changed, and the benefits are noticeable.

One change that has surfaced above all else is that my overwhelming desire to feel better has trumped the once captivating allure of comforting desserts. It's become much more important to have a deeper level of constant well-being than to settle for the highs and lows of blood sugar spikes and crashes.

Realizing this has given me more resolve to continue with my treatment plan and to stick to a diet I once thought I could not maintain for more than a day or two tops.

This deeper level of physical peace is very similar to the deeper level of spiritual peace that God is trying to teach me. Today, I read a short article on the "Desiring God" blog called "The Sin of Not Wanting Enough." The heart of the article is that we need to want more from God than just the circumstantial comforts of health, well-being, and a pleasant life. Like sugars, these things are wonderful and satisfying for a time, but when they don't last, the cycle of high-then-crash can be painful and rocky.

When it comes to desiring God, we have to desire him for who he is - his truth, his promises, his saving grace. When we hunger for Jesus and take him in regularly through reading his word, we maintain our "spiritual blood sugar" and can have peace in all circumstances, even during the most distressing and terrible trials. Jesus provides long-term comfort that does not fade or wear out.

I have to be real and admit that in my humanity I spend a lot of time praying and hungering for better circumstances, for a "normal" life, for happiness that is due to what's around me rather than what's inside me.

Reading this quote today reminded me of where my heart needs to look in order to be anchored and how powerful I can be when Jesus gives me peace that can't be shaken.

By faith we are comforted that all things, no matter how painful or sweet, will work together for our good, reaping eternal benefits that are so wonderful that they can’t even be compared to our grief (1 Peter 1:6, Romans 8:28). True faith believes that God is good and rewards those who seek him (Hebrews 11:6).
If as Christians we are called to endure difficult trials and yet always receive temporal blessings like health and safety, our peace could not rightly be called the “peace that passes understanding”. It would actually be quite reasonable.

If you hunger and thirst for righteousness, blessed are you! (Matthew 5:6)

Weak in Battle?

2010-09-14T05:31:00.007-04:00

While doing some studying yesterday, I came across this verse which encouraged me.

"For the eyes of the LORD range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him."
2 Chronicles 16:9

Sweets Surrender

2010-09-10T06:15:00.011-04:00

My doctor recently advised that I temporarily cut carbohydrates out of my diet. No fruits, grains, or sugars. This sounds simple until you try it. I have never before in my life realized how much I depended on bread, pasta, cereal, and desserts to get me through each day.

And as for the advice that drinking more water helps fight off sugar cravings? It's bogus.

I am fighting a battle constantly to overcome my desire to blow my diet and chow down on a piece of cake, warm toll-house chocolate chip cookies, brownies...heck, at this point, I'd settle for a bowl of oatmeal.

And it's only been one week. One week!

While eating every fathomable combination of meat and vegetable, I've had a lot of time to think about my craving for sugar - how I gravitate toward carbohydrates for comfort and how I don't like the feelings of deprivation that this diet brings. In some sense, I feel more in control by squashing my low blood sugar, eating more nutritious foods, healing my stomach. But in other ways, I feel this is one of the more frustrating limitations stacked on top of so many others in my life right now.

With chronic illness, it's easy to be focused on what I *can't* do. Being limited and restricted compared to others my age is the name of the game. In some sense, I've grown use to it, but when a particular restriction (like no sugar) prevents me from doing something I desperately want to do, it hits me in a weak spot. I tend to lash out and have a temper when I feel out of control, and yesterday was no exception. I was overtired, lonely, and hungry for just a taste of what I used to eat all the time, but I was faced with a choice - to take the doctor's advice and try to keep going, or to give in to my craving.

I'd like to say I took the high road, but I ate a soy dessert bar.

Today, I woke up and figured I might as well have a few chocolate-covered almonds since I'd broken my streak. I just barely stopped short of eating more than four, realizing I wasn't going to make my failure worse by opening the floodgates.

Struggling against my craving for sweets can be brutally difficult, especially when I falter like I did yesterday. But it comforts me to know that I can start over today. I don't have to give up completely. As a perfectionist, that's a classic excuse of mine - "I already failed, so I might as well throw it all away." In order to fight that, I've had to cling to the promise that through faith in Christ, my failures are all washed away - my temper, my mistakes, my bad attitude. Repeated new beginnings are so important to persevering. Whether the struggle is with illness, a job, maintaining a diet, or surviving a tough patch emotionally or spiritually, it seems that stumbling in the pursuit of a better life is part of the process. Right now, I'm learning that truly meaningful victory is composed of a series of failures and new beginnings, not a long run of perfection.

"How" not "If"

2010-08-02T17:43:00.006-04:00

I discovered a new cool show called "The Universe" on the History Channel. Mike and I have been watching a few of the episodes lately. It is a series that explains scientific theory about various aspects of the solar system, the galaxy, and the universe itself. For me, there are always surprises when watching a show like this. For example, I learned that the center of our galaxy is not a star or a planet but, in fact, a black hole. There are geysers of water on one of Saturn's moons. The show is just a series of incredible and fascinating facts.

While getting my hair cut recently, I was talking about the show with the stylist who cuts my hair. A space enthusiast himself, he eagerly described one of the episodes I had not seen. As we continued the discussion, he began one sentence by saying, "If there is a Creator..."

These days it's not uncommon to run into someone who doubts that there is a God who created space, time, matter, life, and all that we see and experience. It still throws me off a little though to hear someone so enthralled with science and the intricacies of space questioning the source of the detailed intelligence that holds it all together. I wince a bit when I think of that word "if."

However, when I think back to the times when I have been the hardest pressed emotionally and physically, the word "if" often stirs up doubts that have long settled to the ocean floor of my soul. It takes a life-altering event like an illness or a tremendous loss to stir that sediment up until I'm disoriented, sitting in a mess of cloudy, murky water. "If God loved me, wouldn't he have protected me from this?" "If God was all powerful, wouldn't he have intervened by now?"

And those questions are where I lose my footing a bit. I have had more than the average number of trials for a person my age, at least for someone in America. It's kind of understood that you'll have to endure challenges in life, but like a roller coaster, there are expected peaks after the valleys. There is an expectation of hands to hold through the darkness until it's light again, not abandonment by those you counted on the most. It's almost socially unacceptable these days to walk through a trial for years without end. People start thinking that maybe there's something you're doing wrong or something you did to deserve it. Maybe you're being overly dramatic or things aren't as bad as you make them sound. It's even harder when the trial isn't a common one like a broken bone or a lost job. When the suffering is long and when it's not well understood, it's easy for faith to weaken, to wobble, to start wondering "if" God is really there, "if" God will really come through, "if" you might just not make it.

When I read the Bible this morning, I was reminded of two people who had very unusual experiences in their lives, and one of them wondered if God was really going to pull through for him, while the other person saw it was impossible and believed God for it anyway.

I have a soft spot in my heart for this story because the second person, the faithful one, was a young woman. The first person, the one who asked for a sign and doubted initially was a priest - a well-respected man. These two stories are told back to back, I think, in order to emphasize the contrast in response to the life-altering news they had just been given.

Zechariah was an old man, a priest, childless, and had just been going about his duty in the temple when an angel appeared to him and told him he was going to have a very special son - the man who was prophesied about in Isaiah as the one who would prepare the way for the Messiah. When Zechariah heard this, instead of believing his old and barren wife would miraculously conceive a child as he had been told, he said: "How shall I know this?" He still didn't buy it. The angel made him temporarily mute "because you did not believe my words, which will be fulfilled in their time."

The second story is about Mary, the young virgin mother of Jesus. Presented with an even more impossible-sounding message, Mary learns from an angel that she will become pregnant with a child who will be the Messiah. Instead of questioning the veracity of the message, she instead merely asks out of curiosity how God will accomplish this miracle in her. "How will this be, since I am a virgin?" The angel explained to her the details, and later Mary was praised as "blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of what was spoken to her from the Lord."

This verse made an impression on me as I read this morning. I thought about the promises of God for my future, to never leave me, to guarantee a place of rest and reward for patient endurance through trials, and it occurred to me that my mindset is so often tempted to wonder "if" God will really carry through on his promises instead of "how" these things will take place. It's a humbling reminder to consider Mary's faith in light of the humiliation and complete isolation she'd be forced to endure as an unmarried pregnant woman.

In the midst of circumstances that don't make sense, I'm encouraged to not waiver in my belief that God will do what he has promised concerning justice, redemption, healing, and grace. By his grace, I have a place in his house someday soon, and by his sacrifice on the cross, I have mercifully been given a place in his family. When God asks me to go through the unexplainable or unimaginable, I want to be humbly obedient like Mary who said, "Behold, I am the servant of the Lord; let it be to me according to your word."

Battles Not Yet Won

2010-07-22T13:47:00.008-04:00

One of the side effects of my chronic illness is a disrupted sleep schedule.

"Disrupted" is a polite way to put it. "Completely screwed up" is probably a bit more descriptive.

The way it works is this: No matter when I fall asleep, the next day I always need to fall asleep a little later. The result is that my "nighttime" migrates (cycles) around the clock. I will sleep during the night like a normal person for about a week, but progressively, I will begin sleeping into the morning hours. As time passes, I will eventually be sleeping fully in the afternoon, and so forth, back to an early evening bedtime again.

For example, yesterday, I fell asleep at 2 PM. Today's bedtime will likely be at 4 PM. This is caused by a disruption of my circadian rhythm - that finely balanced cycle we all take for granted to make us sleepiest at 4 AM and most alert at noon. I've tried 1,001 ways to fix it (one attempt which landed me in the ER), but ultimately, following my unnatural rhythm has been the only way to have any hope of functioning. Granted. I lose a week or so every month to sleeping through days, but those nights can be quite productive.

Since I can't keep a normal routine from day to day (such as scheduling regular morning devotions or taking a quick walk every day before dinner), I have had to be a bit more creative in the "good habit-forming department," otherwise good intentions go flying everywhere like bowling pins once my circadian rhythm rolls into a new week. Today I got up at 10:30 PM, ate "breakfast," did some gentle yoga, and showered. I then started my makeshift day with a chapter of scripture.

Still in the early chapters of Deuteronomy, I have been reading the final sermon from Moses to the Israelites just before he died. His last remarks are to review with this new generation their covenant with God and their mission: They were supposed to go in and take over the Promised Land. ...Buuuut....as a nation, they didn't have such a great track record when it came to trusting God to provide in overwhelming situations (kind of like me). Instead, they preferred to focus on their problems, complain, and basically tell God he should have just left them in slavery (the equivalent of yelling "I wish I'd never been born!" in nation language). The last time they were told to go in and possess their land, the description of their enemies was so intimidating and discouraging that they just freaked out, sat down, and gave up.

So Moses knows that this second time around (about 40 years later) is really important. Confronted with the same daunting enemies, will they run in fear or will they trust God? As the previous generation of unbelievers had passed away, God had preserved the nation by raising up their children, now grown, to march in and receive the land the nation should have had decades earlier.

Moses knew this was a time for encouragement if ever encouragement was needed. Their enemies were still as big and intimidating as ever. Feelings of fear and inadequacy were bound to surface in a people who had been living as nomads for 40 years. There had been a lot of suffering, a lot of death, a lot of waiting. Focusing solely on their present situation, it would be easy to get dejected, asking "What if we just can't do it?"

What struck me as I read last night was how often I ask that same destructive question - "What if I just can't do this?" When big fears come into play, my first reaction is to take stock of my own resources and see that I'm woefully lacking. Being chronically ill means my emotional and physical reserves are already bordering on "empty" a lot of the time. Looking at my energy gauge and then seeing the daunting journey in front of me can give me a feeling of complete inadequacy and hopelessness. How do you drive down a long desert road with no gas in your tank?

It's easy from my perspective to knowingly shake my head at the fear of the Israelites. I mean, I've read the whole story. I know they go in and live in the land. I know how it ends. Imagine if an Israelite from Moses' day had my perspective. No sweat. He'd wave the complete Bible around and yell, "Here it is in the book, guys! We do win after all!" They would waste no time charging in and taking each city.

I imagine I would have that kind of bold determination too if I could see my life written out. I'd march into victories a whole lot more confident. I'd stand a little taller. I wouldn't be so afraid. Isn't that what we all want? Isn't that why fortune tellers and astrologers are so popular? If I could just KNOW that I'll have a child. If I could just be SURE I'd get a job soon. If I could just catch a glimpse of a time when I will be healthier. If I could see this situation resolved or this person saved by faith - then I could rest a little easier at night in the midst of this battle.

But just like God does not reveal to us the specific details of our journey, God does not show the Israelites their outcome either. They never see the nation of Israel under King David or the temple built by Solomon. Instead, when they fear the most, he gives them this instruction:

If you say in your heart, "These nations are greater than I. How can I dispossess them?" you shall not be afraid of them but you shall remember what the LORD your God did to Pharaoh and to all Egypt, the great trials that your eyes saw, the signs, the wonders, the mighty hand, and the outstretched arm, by which the LORD your God brought you out. So will the LORD your God do to all the peoples of whom you are afraid.

The command is: Remember. Remember it's not about your weakness; it's about God's strength. Remember God's past acts of faithfulness. Remember he is Creator of the sun, the moon, the stars. Remember he is in charge over all life. Remember he is personal. Remember he intervenes for us. Remember he delivers. When I fear, I must remember God's spotless reputation for caring for his people.

A few days ago, I was spending some time writing out a short version of my personal story of how Jesus has changed my life. Once I started to write, I realized that I couldn't fit all of God's goodness to me in one short essay. There was SO MUCH Jesus had done in my life that I wanted to write it all. I came away from the experience with a rather condensed and stiffly written testimony but a heart full of renewed confidence, having remembered all of God's past acts of faithfulness to me.

As I reflected on the past, my faith in Jesus, and how God has proven himself over and over during the hard times, it occurred to me:

The curious thing about looking back and remembering Jesus on the cross is that it's really not looking back at all.

The reality of the cross is that we are looking forward. We are looking toward the time when Christ will come back again. We are looking forward to our healed bodies. We are looking forward to our complete victory over sin and temptation. We are looking forward to never again being enslaved, intimidated, discouraged, or afraid. By looking back to remember Christ, we inherently remember that we have a future.

During a late-night exercise session this week, I was listening to "Days of Elijah" (on my playlist at right) and was moved once again by the triumphant lyrics. As I sang and walked, I felt tears sting my eyes - not of sadness and defeat but of such unspeakable joy. For at that moment, my soul was remembering the great and glorious future that is yet to come. My deliverance from the problems in this world seems long in coming, but I have a Savior, and he reminds me to look at him and keep on walking despite the pain. I need only remember, the Promised Land is not that far away.

Who is your King?

2010-07-09T00:21:00.005-04:00

"Savior."
"King."
"We are witnesses."
"Lifting the curse."

Sounds like I'm talking about... a certain basketball star?

Religious language has consistently surrounded one particular sports celebrity because of his tremendous athletic ability and potential to bring victory to a struggling city. His move to a new team, announced tonight, is making big waves.

When I read the outraged reactions of scorned fans ("you are dead to me"), it reminded me of how deep and penetrating our hunger is for God, yet how we fill it with idols like this talented man.

A long time ago, I heard a sermon illustration that made me cringe. A pastor admitted that he once got so thirsty when he was a boy that he bent down and slurped the water from an oil-slicked puddle in a parking lot. His thirst had driven him to drink dirty, contaminated water in place of the real, pure thing.

This powerful (and gross) example shows the depths to which we as humans will sink to quench our thirst. Even stronger than our thirst for water, however, is our driving need for love, for victory, for someone to save us.

I have settled so many times for idols that did not deliver - friends, love, academic achievement, even strangers that I admired. I put my hope for happiness in people and things that were never meant to bear the weight of that hope. I talked to a friend this week who knows he has placed his hopes, his worth, and his value in the hands of the wrong group of people, and yet, he can't seem to break free.

Whether it's a political figure, an athletic star, or a music legend, there is no one on earth who can deliver what we need deep in our souls. There is no husband or wife, no child or parent, no pet or movie or habit or food in the world that can feed what we need inside, what we hunger for so desperately.

These outcries I've read from devastated fans who've lost their "king" are symptoms of a much more serious thirst - the deep need for a real Savior who has the power to truly save, for The King of kings who has eternal and lasting authority. Looking for your hopes and dreams to be fulfilled in a sports championship is like drinking from a puddle in a parking lot. We were built to drink in so much more than that - to fellowship with God of all creation through a living, daily relationship with Jesus Christ, champion over sin and death itself.

Today, as I read about Jesus making his final journey to Jerusalem before his death, I caught a glimpse of the kind of hero I've been searching for all my life. Not only had he determined with resolute strength to endure unimaginable suffering for my sake, but he so firmly determined it as to "set his face like a flint." I love that description of him as it calls to mind a man so full of strength and power that all the evil forces of hell and suffering and death could not shake his confidence. His love was so strong for me that he resisted every ounce of his humanity that must have screamed for him to turn back.

Not only this, but as he drew closer to his certain betrayal and brutal execution, he paused because a man in distress cried out in faith, asking for healing. In all that he was facing, he never lost his patience and compassion for the lowest of the low in society or for the sickest and most disabled.

If that wasn't enough, he had the power to perform miracles. And just as he healed the blind man that day, he used that same awesome power to endure what no other human could, bearing the weight of all sin and rising from the dead to stand alive outside his own grave.

He did this all to save you and to save me.

Now, that's a King truly worthy of praise. Do you know him?

Delay is Not Denial

2010-06-30T07:18:00.004-04:00

Recently, I made a decision to pursue healthier eating and more consistent exercise.

After a visit with my doctor, I was convicted that I needed to take my eating choices more seriously and to make exercise even more of a priority. My doctor suggested that I read a book called "Anti Cancer" which was written by a doctor/scientist who himself had beaten brain cancer and a relapse. The author (David Servan-Schreiber, MD, PhD) explained some of the subtle and easy changes that can be made in order to live a healthier life and to make the body a less hospitable cancer host.

Although I don't have cancer, improving the way I eat and live will bring me positive results in the long run. I have only one body here on earth, and I have a responsibility to take care of it now so that in 20 or 30 years I will be less likely to develop any number of conditions - diabetes, heart disease, and cancer included.

Because of my toxic mold and pesticide exposures about 11 years ago, I already know that I have a higher chance of developing cancer than the average person. Being in an environment where I breathed carcinogens and VOCs (volatile organic compounds) that affected my immune system and my nervous system caused me to have a number of symptoms indicating my exposure had reached toxic levels.

I suffered from extreme fatigue, swollen and sore lymph nodes, mental confusion and disorientation, constant dizziness, nosebleeds, disequilibrium, inability to multitask, frequent urination, severe gastrointestinal distress, weight loss, headaches, severe muscle aches, muscle twitching, sore throats, irritability, memory problems, and the need to sleep constantly.

During that very dark time, it was hard for me to be around even the most "innocuous" household chemicals. My system was overly sensitized and reacted to things that don't bother the average person. I felt sick from pesticides sprayed in grocery stores and movie theaters. The herbicides used by neighbors or around school would disable me completely. My environment seemed to set me off no matter where I went. Perfumes, cigarette smoke, even the detergent aisle would make me sick.

I've come a long way since those years of early chemical sensitivity through avoidance and slow recovery over time. It has been hard for me to accept, but the damage has been done, and my autonomic nervous system does not function like it should. This damage is a long-term consequence of events that happened years ago. Though I did not have control over those events or their consequences, I do have the power to make healthy decisions now that will positively affect my future.

In the past week or so, I have cut out most of the sugary desserts I used to use as comfort food. I have sought out organic fruits and vegetables as a snack rather than just grabbing whatever carbohydrate is nearby. I am also learning the powerful effects of antioxidants like the ones in green tea. Even though my illness prevents me from overdoing it on aerobic exercise, I have looked into stress-relief yoga and tried various DVDs from the library. I am trying to walk more often and stay consistent with taking my vitamins. I realize that all of these choices are small and rather inconsequential now, but they add up over time.

It's funny to me that this weekend, even after all of the healthy food and yoga attempts, I still felt terrible. It's hard to do the right thing and still get unpleasant results. Often, that's what determines our will to go on, the strength of our perseverance and desire to succeed. Can I overcome that hurdle to keep making healthy choices? Or will I go back to a hit-and-miss lifestyle of doing and eating what feels good in the moment?

I think spiritually the same theme applies. I am making choices daily to cling to God. I exert my will to seek him out in the Bible, to worship him through finding praise songs to sing, to listen to sermons online even when I can't be at church, and to pray regularly, pouring my heart out to God. I believe that these are the decisions that keep the soul from succumbing to the toxic spiritual exposure of living in a godless world - a world that wants to do what feels good now without regard for what will happen after death. How easy it is to be lulled into the false sense of security of this life that seems to go on day after day without end. How easy it is to subscribe to "if it feels good, it must be right."

But God commands us to live a different way. Moses was commended for his faith because he chose "to be mistreated with the people of God than to enjoy the fleeing pleasures of sin." Whenever we obey God's word over how we feel, whenever we do the right thing and show compassion rather than judgment, whenever we cling to Christ rather than caving to the world, God sees it, and he rewards it.

I am encouraged today that even though I have not yet seen the realization of my answered prayers, I know those blessings are coming down the line. He blesses the man and woman who wait on him, who cling to him, who daily make the tough choices to keep going even when the immediate results don't seem fair.

Keep going on your journey with Christ because God's delays in reward are not his denials. In fact, His greatest rewards for us have yet to be seen!

"No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love him"
1 Corinthians 2:9

How Long, O Lord?

2010-06-18T01:30:00.002-04:00

I was inspired by these two quotes from the D. A. Carson book "How Long, O Lord?"

"To walk into the unknown with a God of unqualified power and unfailing goodness is safer than a known way."

and...

"What is clear is that it is in extremity that many Christians drink most deeply of the grace of God, revel in his presence, and glory in whatever it is - suffering included - that has brought them this heightened awareness of the majesty of God."

Lord, trusting you in the dark and praising that you draw me close through pain - these are my challenges, and yet, also my greatest comforts.

Malware on my Mind

2010-06-09T13:45:00.008-04:00

As I type, I'm waiting for "Malwarebytes" to finish scanning my computer. It's been over 1 hour and 17 minutes. Still counting.

While I was working today, a fake anti-virus alert (saying it was from Windows) popped up on my screen suddenly. When I tried to open my security software or search Google for info, I found that the malware had blocked both avenues of help. I was also seeing "alerts" constantly warning me of fake threats manufactured in order to scare me into giving out financial information to buy false protection from the malware site.

I used another computer to research the specific tactics of this malware: Deception, blocking help, and fear. As I read, it occurred to me just how universal these evil principles are.

Facing temptation to linger in anger or to dwell on discouragement are attacks that I face fairly regularly. Dealing with these temptations is a challenge, but knowing the intricacies of how they work will help me to defeat any attack the devil wishes to launch on my life.

When I consider the deception of a temptation, I am reminded that the Bible warns "Satan himself masquerades as an angel of light." It is my job to be on guard against ideas that look and sound fairly safe but will really lead me deeper into sin. It may sound good to say, "I have a right to be angry!" But ultimately, if I let my anger get the best of me, then I have lost self-control and lost the battle against sin. In order to be victorious, I must guard against philosophies and ideas that sound good but are not biblical.

In order to be able to recognize the dangerous, deceptive ideas that infiltrate my thoughts, I have to be rooted in God's word and in prayer to get help. Temptation will always attempt to block my access to God's help. Just like the malware blocked the helpful tools on my computer that would guide me to remove my problem, temptation can block off my prayer life and my time in God's Word. Feelings of weariness, discouragement, or anger can make me not want to pray. In my despair, I am tempted to leave the Bible unopened. "What good will it do anyway?" I often wonder. When I do that, I put myself in the weakest position possible because I can't get the help I need from God. Persistence and determination to find helpful guidance from God are the only ways to succeed against such an attack.

Finally, the tactic of fear can paralyze me and render me completely vulnerable too. When I am attacked with fear about my future, there are two things that can happen - I either shut down and become paralyzed by my fears, making me unable to act, or I get so flustered that I act rashly and impatiently, leaving no time for wisdom or for God to work. When under temptation, panicking is highly dangerous and can quickly lead to either foolish action or, worse yet, no action at all.

My malware attack was defeated by guarding against deception, determining to find access to help, and not letting fear motivate me into making rash choices or taking no action at all. Now, several hours later, I finally have the option to "remove selected" threats from my computer. The same can happen spiritually when we guard against the devil's reasonable-sounding lies, determine to walk with God daily, and decide not to let fear rule our decisions. Relying on the Lord will give us the victory in every battle, no matter what.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline.
2 Timothy 1:7 (NLT)

The Growing Season

2010-05-30T07:06:00.005-04:00

It has been a while since I've written, but it hasn't been because of any extraordinary event. Instead, it's been a series of life moments.

Coping, resting, struggling,
exerting, enjoying, recovering,
praying, escaping,
working, worshiping,
crying, surviving.

Wash, Rinse, Repeat.

It's a struggle to maintain my faith sometimes when I face so many physical and circumstantial challenges. The simple act of sleeping is a huge problem for me, and just getting myself out of bed when I wake up can be a big achievement. I find my hope waning when I am eroded by challenges that never seem to end, and I cry out for God to help me endure, to help me to get through these trials in a manner pleasing to him.

A couple days ago, I read about Jesus describing the slow growing nature of the kingdom of heaven by comparing it to the earthly concept of farming. He said:

"The kingdom of God is as if a man should scatter seed on the ground. He sleeps and rises night and day, and seed sprouts and grows; he knows not how. The earth produces by itself, first the blade, then the ear, then the full grain in the ear. But when the grain is ripe, at once he puts in the sickle, because the harvest had come." ~Mark 4:26-29

Each night and day, I sleep and rise, waiting and watching for God to move and act. I wait like a farmer patiently waits for his crops, realizing that the control is not in my hands.

I think that there is not much excitement or prestige in seasons of waiting. It's a quiet time if you are just a casual observer. Not much happens on the surface. But tiny blades of grain popping up from the soil attest to the fact that there is powerful life at work beneath the surface.

As God uses painful circumstances in my life to shape me and grow me, I'm finding two things:
1) I don't know how to make this process happen on my own. It is God who labors to change and grow my faith through these trials that he allows.
2) The process of growing and waiting is so painfully slow at times as to seem almost stagnant, but there is something powerful happening in my soul as time passes.

It's easy to think of "big faith" in terms of famous evangelists like Billy Graham in a stadium shouting profound words of wisdom, changing lives of thousands at a time. It's natural to think of "active faith" as missionaries traveling the globe, reaching out to touch the poorest of the poor, helping in the far corners of the earth. And those are indeed exciting times of harvest.

But there is so much more to walking with Christ than the "big" moments of harvest. The quiet daily times in his Word - one chapter of scripture each day, one by one by one. One paragraph of sharing my heart in my prayer journal, adding up over the months to fill a book. It's the times of tending to family through encouraging words, caring touch, and helpful deeds that aren't public or glamorous but add up in God's sight. The days when nothing "happens" or "gets done" except determining to hang on to faith, to keep going through another day of discomfort, and to make tomorrow better if possible - those days can easily be regarded as "wasteful," but they make up a very important growing season.

I encourage you today, especially if you are someone struggling with chronic illness like I am, to relax your expectations and not to try to make every day a "harvest" day. It is so easy to overlook the quiet glory of the growing grain.

"Patient endurance" is a powerful phrase that a friend of mine uses when she asks for prayer. Suffering long-term with disability is not easy, and it's natural to just want total relief, but when I read the Bible, I find more and more that "patient endurance" is a quality that God values most highly (and rewards!) in his people. The only way to acquire it, however, is (sadly) not through being hit with God's wand-o'-instant-patience but instead to experience adversity and determine to cling to Christ through it. We build up powerful strength like weightlifters do - one rep at a time. Each setback is another weight on the barbell. We ask God why? He responds with the heaviness of silence. Meanwhile, we keep on lifting as our muscles of faith are growing imperceptibly stronger each and every day.

"If we have died with him, we will also live with him;
if we endure, we will also reign with him;"
2 Timothy 2:11-12

Choose Life

2010-05-02T07:03:00.009-04:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about a quote that my mom forwarded to me. It said:

"Almost every trial increases our love for others. So even if we don't see any other good, we know of at least one--more love."

I really liked the quote at first, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized it only applied to people who "choose life." I have seen trials crush my father but grow my mom and me. It really is interesting how "choosing" plays such an important role in faith and how our trials turn out. We literally can choose the bitter and angry route or the love route, and whichever way we choose comes flowing over into our lives and bodies.

I have been mulling that over lately - how each daily choice seems insignificant - each thought we dwell on, each image we take in, each emotion we allow power over us, yet these choices aren't insignificant at all - they are the most significant choices we make. Because each thought I think builds upon the others to influence who I am, how I think, and where I am headed.

I think it's misleading to think of the Christian life as only one single choice for Christ. Granted, it begins that way, but each day after that is a series of choices for either life or death - obedience or rebellion.

This has really come to my attention during the last few years of trials because of how many times I have to consciously decide with my will to continue to believe and wait and have faith, sometimes when I feel very negative emotion...sorrow, fear, grief, discouragement, confusion. Battling these feelings has really highlighted the importance of choosing and exerting my will forcefully in the direction of Christ. Sometimes I think about it as being a boat tied loosely to the dock, and each day I have to make an effort to re-tighten the rope so I don't let the current of this trial gradually pull me away from the shore and into the rapids.

I think choosing life ultimately means choosing to obey in those nitty-gritty moments of pain. Resisting death, for me, can be as simple as singing praise to God from the heart, repeating a promise from scripture, or even harder - a quiet surrender of the will. Not what I will, Lord, but what you will.

This day I call heaven and earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the LORD your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him.
Deuteronomy 30:19-20

Your Hands

2010-04-21T08:22:00.004-04:00

This song by J. J. Heller came on the radio when I needed to hear it last week. Sometimes God uses songs like this to encourage me.

I went to BibleGateway.com to find the verses from John 10 that I wanted to post below the song, and incredibly, of all the verses in the entire Bible, those particular words of Jesus are their "verse of the day" today!

“I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand. My Father, who has given them to me, is greater than all; no one can snatch them out of my Father's hand. I and the Father are one.”
- John 10:28-30

the Beauty that makes beautiful

2010-04-05T18:12:00.010-04:00

Several weeks ago, I read through A Grief Observed by C. S. Lewis. In it, he recounts his experience of losing his wife to cancer and processes how this grief affects his faith in God. In one particular passage, I found this elegant connection between his love for this wife (H.) leading him to deeper love for God:

I see I've described H. as being like a sword. That's true as far as it goes. But utterly inadequate by itself, and misleading. I ought to have balanced it. I ought to have said, 'But also like a garden. Like a nest of gardens, wall within wall, hedge within hedge, more secret, more full of fragrant and fertile life, the further you entered.'

And then, of her, and of every created thing I praise, I should say, 'In some way, in its unique way, like Him who made it.'

Thus up from the garden to the Gardener, from the sword to the Smith. To the life-giving Life and the Beauty that makes beautiful.

This description of God - the Beauty that makes beautiful - really resonated in my heart today as I looked at these exquisite pictures of earth taken by a Japanese astronaut (Astro_Soichi) from the International Space Station.

For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse.
Romans 1:20

Extreme Makeover: Soul Edition

2010-04-01T12:34:00.004-04:00

I'm a sucker for a good makeover show. It doesn't really matter if it's renovation of a home or refashioning of a person. It's so fun to watch the gradual transformation process and then see the delicious "before and after" shots side by side.

While I was watching a home makeover show this morning, I started wondering why makeover shows never get old. What is it about a makeover that is so appealing? How many times will I watch tile replaced with hardwood or style-phobic women don new sequin camis? What makes me watch a Nick Arrojo haircut and Carmindy makeup tips time after time?

There's something fascinating about watching the old and broken become like new. It's especially powerful when you see that transformation internally. Some of these makeovers really change the way the person feels and acts. It's often a struggle for them to initially let go of their old, inappropriate clothes. They stubbornly resist out of fear, habit, or insecurity. But by the end of the show, they stand a little straighter and smile a little brighter. Despite the struggle of transformation, a fresh set of clothes or a fresh coat of paint often can make all the difference.

I think it's interesting that the Bible compares a spiritual transformation to putting on new clothes. It's the makeover of a lifetime to become a child of the living God. When he hands over our new wardrobe, it's only a matter of time before we view ourselves differently, behave differently, think differently, and become a whole new person. However, the process of that makeover is difficult and takes time.

In the movie The Passion of the Christ, as Jesus is struggling beneath the burden of carrying the cross, there comes a point at which he falls and his mother comes running toward him. Bloody and beaten, he musters the strength to look into Mary's eyes and says to her: "See, mother, I make all things new."

Whenever I see this movie scene at Easter time, I'm so moved by that statement, made in the middle of the greatest agony, and what it ultimately means. It's very easy to get caught up in the problem of pain in this world and in my own personal struggle of the transformation process. If God was so good and powerful, why is there suffering? That question is tossed around by unbelievers and believers alike. If we are honest, we are wondering, why does God allow so much evil when he could just put an end to it. What is he waiting for?

The promise: "I am making everything new!" is taken from Revelation when Jesus comes back to earth as the Messianic King to begin ruling his kingdom. This is the great "makeover after shot" that we all long for when we desire a restored earth, justice, and healing. And when Christ was dying, he was making that possibility a reality for all of us.

In the middle of the process, it's easy to get discouraged because of our yet unfulfilled desire for the end result- the chance to live on a new earth, free from any mourning, crying, death, or pain. But that transformation can only begin to take place when we remove our old filthy rags of sin - the tatters that we try to hide behind, excuse, clutch tightly, and cover with - and, through faith, put on Christ. He is the only one righteous, the only one holy, the only one sinless. And when we put on his clothes, his salvation begins to work its way out through our lives.

It's the transformation of a lifetime available to anyone who asks.

You are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham's seed, and heirs according to the promise.
Galatians 3:26-29

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.
2 Corinthians 5:17

My Ring was in the Freezer

2010-03-09T14:10:00.007-05:00

My pastor gave a powerful sermon last Memorial Day weekend called "Engraved." It was based on this verse:

Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.
Isaiah 49:15-16

The sermon was part of a series called "GODISNOWHERE," which, if you notice, can be "God is Nowhere" or "God is Now Here." It can be easy to feel the former even while knowing the latter.

After hearing this sermon, I had a ring made based on this verse. It captivated me that God has my name engraved on his hands. For me, the hand is the place I write something if I don't want to forget it because I'm always looking at my hands. Pen washes off though, and if I'm not careful, I can forget even the boldest reminder. But here, this verse says that I am engraved. God is never going to wash me off or lose sight of his plan for my life. He even has nail scars to prove it.

I am often tempted to feel forgotten by God when I hurt for so long. When my prayers for relief go unanswered, I question. When my cries on behalf of others seem to fall on deaf ears, I wonder. When I'm trapped at home in my room, I think, "God, I could be out doing so much for you!"

I was out of the house for a few moments today for the first time in about 2 weeks. As I was singing along to praise music in the car, I was thinking with a chuckle: "Why keep this voice shut in?" Now, I'm no singer, but I can't understand sometimes why God has set apart this time for me to be isolated. I have such a desire to serve God and live life fully. Has God forgotten? Has he abandoned me?

I wear my ring every day to remind me of God's promise. (It was either that or a tattoo.) It reminds me of the tight bond between God and me - tighter than that of mother and child. He never for a moment gets distracted, falls asleep, or fails to keep watch over me. By faith, I can be assured that I have been set apart by him, like Israel was, for all time. He keeps watch over the walls that protect me, and sometimes, just like with Israel, he allows those walls to be broken down.

It's been a testing point for me in my faith to think that God could keep watch over me and still allow my walls to be broken down, to allow trouble in, to allow sorrow and brokenness. But recalling what happened to Israel, I do know that God has a plan to rebuild those walls again. When God allowed Babylon to break down the defenses of the city and Jerusalem to be taken into captivity, God knew all along that the captives would return and build up those ruins once again. I think he sees the same in my life. It won't always be this way.

So back to my ring. My grandma ended up needing an ambulance and going to the hospital yesterday. Because of this, I was very tired by mid afternoon, and my ring must have slipped off my hand while I was digging in the freezer for some very old, frosted pierogies. The thing is, I didn't even notice the ring was missing when I dropped it. I wear this ring every day and night, but I was so tired and stressed out that I completely forgot about the ring. It wasn't until my mom found it late last night and brought it in to me that I realized what had happened. The irony was not lost: I had lost track of the ring that reminds me of God's promise to never lose track of me.

As a human, even with the best intentions and a heart for God, I fail. I forget. I don't measure up. But in contrast to my failings, I can be sure that God is not like that. My ring may slip off and fall into the bottom of the freezer. I may slip up and revert back into patterns of sin that I thought were behind me. But no matter what I do, God is faithful. It is in his character, and he cannot be any other way. He will pursue me with steadfast love.

Lord, thank you that I am engraved on your hands and that nothing, not even my own failings or hardships, can get in the way of your all-consuming love for me.

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:38-39

Scrabble Bingo!

2010-03-07T07:38:00.005-05:00

I have a secret habit that most people don't know about.

I'm a Scrabble fanatic.

I love to sit there and mix the letters around in my tray looking for the highest scoring word. I love plotting how to get the most bonus squares into a turn, and I love how no game is ever the same. It's possible to get a really high score with just one letter but to only get a single digit score using 6 letters and very creative words.

The best part of the game, the real high, comes whenever I can make a "bingo" (all 7 letters in the tray played at once). This takes both luck and intuition. I've seen very experienced opponents come up with bingos using letters I would have dismissed as unworkable. It takes a lot of practice to get a sense of when your letters will make a bingo and when they won't. When they do work, the reward is not only the value of the word but also 50 bonus points. It's a great way to break free from a neck-and-neck struggle.

But don't get me wrong, my love for Scrabble isn't just about maximizing the points on each turn. It's a journey. And no, I'm not stretching the analogy too far. Ok, maybe a little.

A few minutes ago, I played the final move in a game that has been going on for a week or two with 2 of my toughest opponents. They both got bingos very early on in the game, one of which was over 100 points just by itself. I languished back by between 50 and 100 points most of the game. My letters just wouldn't work in the places I had to play. The temptation was to just write this off as another loss. But I have learned that in Scrabble, as in life, it's not over until the final play.

So, each turn I played the best word that I could, considering what I had to work with. Four of my eight plays were only 20 points. It was not looking good.

Right before my final play of the game, the scoring looked like this:
Player A: 240
Player B: 249
Me: 184

And that was when I was able to lay down a bingo (AWARDERS). It changed the whole game, and even though I had been losing by a wide margin all along, I came out the winner in the end. It was the game-changing play.

I think it is going to be that way for a lot of us when we come to the end of our lives. We either gave up trying to follow God long ago, or we kept on making the most faithful decisions we could considering the tiles we'd been dealt. Sometimes those decisions made in faith just seem to set us back further. Godless people can prosper and faithful people can struggle. But considering that the game is not over until God says it is, I take great comfort in persisting despite how things appear. Persevering when it looks like all is lost is just like continuing to make small 20 point plays while my opponents wracked up the points. It seemed foolish to keep inching forward with great effort when I would surely lose, but all those inches added up so that when I was able to place all that I had on the table, I came out winning by a single point.

We are building a foundation inch-by-inch, brick-by-brick, in every decision of obedience to the Lord. Do not give up and grow weary because circumstances are against you, because you experience failure, or because you do not feel or see God. Obedient decisions do not always yield immediate reward, but as believers, we are called to press on in faith till the very end.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Galatians 6:9

Rules of the Game

2010-02-25T02:30:00.005-05:00

The Olympics were on tonight at my house. Just before I turned off the TV for the night, Bob Costas reported on speed skater Sven Kramer. He skated 25 laps in record time, the race of his life. Yet he walked away without a medal. He was disqualified because at the last minute his confused coach accidentally directed him into the wrong lane. Even though he posted the fastest time of all, by 4 seconds, and finished believing he'd won the gold medal, he had made the wrong lane choice, consequently breaking one of the basic rules. There was no do-over. There were no second chances.

After I heard this story, I thought of the terrible pain caused by well-meaning yet wrong advice from his coach. I thought of the agony they both were feeling, having made such a costly mistake. Sven acknowledged that though his coach was wrong, it was ultimately his own choice which lane to pick, and he had picked the wrong one.

While watching these competitions, it can start to feel like winning an Olympic gold medal is the ultimate in life. It is, after all, the culmination of years of hard work, training, sacrifice, and mental/physical conditioning. To be a champion among champions is no small feat. However, it's sometimes easy to forget that there is a finish line that is far more significant than that of a Vancouver ice rink.

As we run this race of life, we make choices all along the way - what to live for, what to believe in, and what is worth dying for. These choices are so important because we only get one race - one chance to pick our lane that will take us to the finish line. If we make the wrong choice, it could cost us eternity. Finding the truth and figuring out who to trust can be tricky at times. We can sometimes trust good-sounding advice from people we love, like Sven did, but that can ultimately lead us astray. Well-meaning doesn't equate with truth.

The truth clearly set forth by Jesus of Nazareth is that he is the only way to God the Father in Heaven. Claiming to be the only way to heaven is a bold statement. Many consider it too bold and radical. It sounds intolerant and narrow-minded. After all, couldn't there be other ways to heaven?

The bottom line is that God makes up the rules of the game, not us. He made this earth, this universe, the sun and the stars. As the author of life, he carefully forms each human being, knitting together our DNA, giving us the free will to choose him or choose our own ways. We don't have the right to call the shots. Only he does.

Still, how can we trust that Jesus wasn't just some Jewish teacher who lead a great life and made some audacious claims in the process? Why stake my eternal life on this particular man?

Aside from perfectly fulfilling ancient prophecy, living a consistent and sinless life, and performing countless miracles, Jesus backed up his claim as Savior unlike any other religious figure in all of history. He predicted that he would be executed and then would defeat death itself. He promised to come back to life. And he did just that. His resurrection and empty tomb were unstoppable proof of his identity: Jesus is the Son of God. He appeared repeatedly in a resurrected body not only to the disciples but also to over 500 other witnesses.

Saul of Tarsus, an educated Jewish Pharisee, was fiercely opposed to the message that Jesus was the resurrected Messiah and zealously went on a mission to persecute all believers - until he became one himself. Seeing the resurrected Jesus transformed him to the point where he became a new man. Renamed Paul, he wrote much of the New Testament and then went on to dedicate his life, suffering great hardship, to tell all people the good news of how to be saved.

That's Paul's testimony of Jesus. My own testimony is woven into this blog. I have experienced challenges as small in life as not making the junior high volleyball team (twice) when my best friend did, to catastrophes as great as losing my home, possessions, and health due to toxic mold. I have endured mysterious symptoms that eventually left me disabled, misunderstood, and chronically ill. I have walked through losing a career that I fought hard to achieve. I have felt the brutal sting of a father's cruel words, betrayal, and eventual rejection. I've seen first-hand the ravages of dementia and strokes as well as heart and kidney disease in my grandparents, losing them piece by piece over many years. I have also been a victim of crime. All this and more, yet through Christ I have always had a solid Rock on which to stand. Through him, I have been empowered to overcome things that seemed insurmountable, to endure what seemed unendurable, to achieve what seemed impossible, and in Him I will continue to trust all the days of my life. He has proven himself faithful and real to me, not because he removed my pain, but because he has seen me through it.

If there is a choice you can make in life that will make your eternity safe and secure, wouldn't you want to make it? If you could win the ultimate salvation - that of your very soul - simply by following the right path, wouldn't you want to begin today?

Investigate for yourself the veracity of the words of Jesus. Sincerely ask God to show you the truth. Jesus claims to be "the way, the truth, and the life." He proved his power and authority by conquering death itself. He continues to prove himself through the miracles of changed lives. In this race, where the stakes are so high, ultimate victory comes only by being in his lane.

Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever.
1 Corinthians 9:25

*Photo from NBColympics.com

I Want to Be a Huge Tool (for God)

2010-02-18T10:46:00.005-05:00

I am still chuckling to myself as I start to write this.

Where to begin?

Yesterday I was trying to figure out "what to do" about Lent. I love Lent. It's really a special time to reflect on God, to think about what Jesus did by going to the cross, and to look forward to the resurrection.

Having grown up in an evangelical/non-denominational upbringing, I never felt *compelled* to give something up for Lent, but as I've gotten older, I see that sometimes it can be good to temporarily abstain from worldly things that have a hold on my thinking or take up too much of my time. Last year, I gave up Facebook for Lent. It was dominating my time, and it wasn't a healthy fascination. I was using it as a means of escape and often to fuel unhealthy curiosity. It was the first place I'd sign in, and it usually preoccupied me throughout the day - through playing Scrabble, leaving notes, browsing pictures, and reading messages - often to the exclusion of reading the Bible.

The whole Facebook fast went really well. I not only succeeded in enduring withdrawal (they should make detox clinics for it), but I also formed a really healthy habit of not signing into my computer at all until I've spent time with God.

So this year, I was debating. Do I give something up? I don't want to get into a meaningless ritual or legalistic pattern here - especially since Jesus never specifically commanded a Lenten sacrifice in the first place. However, I do want to grow closer to God, to be used by him, and to deepen my walk with him.

So I prayed about what I should do.

Boy, did I get ideas!

The first thing I did was read about Lent. I found a link to a Lent calendar online. It gives a famous quote each day as well as something to fast, something to pray, and something to give. Neat idea!

The second idea came from my mom over lunch. She said, "How about you choose one person to pray for each day of Lent and devote that day to interceding for them?" Not only was that a great idea, but I had already been praying for a friend yesterday who sent me an email prayer request that morning.

The last thing that happened was a series of events, so bear with me as I tell the story:

I ran into someone at Bible study last night whom I'd not seen in many years. I knew her back in my "old life," before chronic illness had disabled me, before my life sort of fell apart. It was emotionally quite a challenge for me. I saw in her a symbol of where I want to be in life right now, where I could have been had I not had these very difficult circumstances to cope with.

The topic of the study was "the names of God" and his characteristics, primarily seeing how they are displayed through the psalms. We examined the psalms and found verses that revealed certain aspects of God's character as a way to learn more about him.

The one name of God that struck me the most was El Roi, which means our "God who sees." I thought last night about how God sees everything that happens. So often I'm tempted to feel like God has forgotten about me. He's blessed others, but he's kept me in darkness. Does he really see when people hurt me? Does he see all I've lost? Will he ever make these wrongs right again? El Roi promises me that he does see it all, and he will make wrongs right in his time. I am also promised that he sees me at my worst and loves me anyway. There are no surprises to God. One day he isn't going to suddenly find out my sour attitude about suffering and say, "Well, you're not who I thought you were after all." No, he knows me inside and out, and he still loves me, to the point where he died to save me.

So, as Bible study closed, we were encouraged to meditate on the names of God. I realized that the third thing I could do for Lent was to study God's names, to learn more about his character and his faithfulness. I even own a set of teaching CDs that will help me do just that.

Today, after my time in the Bible, I began poking around on Facebook. And yes, I may have possibly looked for the girl I'd run into the night before. I may have looked at pictures from a couple of people I used to know back then. And I just might possibly have been feeling sorry for myself that I wasn't in those pictures with them living that kind of life. Just maybe.

Finally, after I'd taken in the wedding shots, the special event pictures, and read the profile info, I felt thoroughly discouraged that everyone else's life seemed easier than mine. After I logged out, I decided to check out the quote of the day on the Lent calendar for February 18.

Here it is, from Mother Teresa herself:

“I know God will not give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish that He didn’t trust me so much.” — Blessed Teresa of Calcutta

I was laughing out loud after I read that! A message of hope and laughter from God right when I needed it most. Then I read the Fast, Pray, Give part:

Fast from self-pity and complaining.

Pray for God’s help in handling something difficult in your life.

Give a kind word to someone who lacks confidence.

What a wonderful way to change my perspective and get my focus back where it should be! So here I am to pass the encouragement along to you. I want to give you a kind word that you are not alone, that God sees what you are going through. The great El Roi will make things right in his good time, and if you are ever tempted to envy the lives of others, remember that he sees, he knows, and he will do right by those who wait on, trust in, and rely upon him.

I think this is going to be a very good Lent.

The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous, and his ears are attentive to their cry.
Psalm 34:15

The Lifter of My Head

2010-02-13T04:51:00.010-05:00

I learned about a new game recently called "Ingenious." The play is fairly simple. There are tiles that look a lot like dominoes with different colors on each end. You earn points in each color by connecting them together on the table. Simple enough, right? The catch is that your lowest total color is your final score. You are only as strong as your weakest score.

I'm learning that the same concept is true when our faith is tested. I've been having some very discouraging days lately, and the discouragement is made even worse because I'm already feeling weak. It seems to snowball - I feel sick physically; I encounter trying situations emotionally; I think thoughts negatively. I have so much more trouble maintaining my faith when I feel sick and frustrated. My fuse is short, my tears are on the surface, and setbacks and challenges take on monumental significance. I told my friend recently that I felt like I was completely out of gas - without the resources to keep going in the face of adversity.

King David felt the same way. In my study of the Psalms, I came across Psalm 3 and read the backstory of what David was going through when he wrote it. David's son Absalom was staging a take-over of the kingdom. Absalom had networked and plotted and gathered enough supporters so that he was in position to march into Jerusalem to take down his father completely. What heartbreak - to not only have such a cunning enemy, but to have it be a family member. David was fleeing from his son, and on this journey with covered head and bare feet, he mourned. He had even lost his trusted adviser to his son's treachery, just piling on added feelings of betrayal.

I read this account of David's discouragement in 2 Samuel 15-18 with fresh eyes. I related to the feelings of betrayal, having suffered similarly with my own father. I related to the discouragement, the hopelessness. God had once been clearly with David and prospered him, and now he was at one of his weakest points - fleeing the capital, afraid for his life.

This is all bad enough, but on the way, David ran into a man named Shimei who, because of his relation to the previous king Saul, decided to "rub salt into the wound" by cursing and taunting David and his followers as they walked along.

And he threw stones at David and at all the servants of King David, and all the people and all the mighty men were on his right hand and on his left. And Shimei said as he cursed, "Get out, get out, you man of blood, you worthless man!"

When I read that, it was like a light bulb went on in my head. Though I am not audibly taunted by a human being, so often my discouragement leads to thoughts of worthlessness and memories of past sins. When we try to follow God, it's guaranteed that opposition will come. Paul tells us in Ephesians 6 that we are in a spiritual battle. I don't think any of us really need to be told - we can feel the inner toll that fear, anxiety, and discouragement take. It's not hard to figure out that we have an enemy of our souls - one who would like nothing more than for us to give up and quit. And when does that enemy choose to attack us? When any war general would - when we are at our weakest.

So as Shimei mocks on, back in Jerusalem, Absalom is getting advice about how to finish his father off. The adviser who betrayed David told Absalom the best strategy for winning:

"I will come upon him while he is weary and discouraged and throw him into a panic, and all the people who are with him will flee."

Another assault is planned for when David is weak - this one intent on scaring off his companions. When we are alone in adversity, we are easy targets.

As I read the kind of explicit plots of the enemy against David, it gives me insight into my own spiritual warfare. I see how David's faith was tested by multiple assaults all at once. He could have easily given in and laid down thinking God had abandoned him. He had lost friends, security, and hope. He was attacked, taunted, pursued, and betrayed when he was down. But God had other plans.

Psalm 3 hints at the victory that was yet to come for David.

When we follow God, we automatically have an enemy. He will whisper to us that we are worthless. He will remind us of those who have left us and turned on us. He will point out how hopeless our situation appears. He will even lift up our past sins to try to remind us of how utterly undeserving we are of God's love and help. But just like the game of Ingenious, we are only as strong as our weakest moments of faith. When David feared, he chose to confess his trust in God to sustain him; God responded by giving him security and help. I learn from David that I must do the same. God is my glory and the lifter of my discouraged head.

But you, O LORD, are a shield about me,
my glory and the lifter of my head.
I cried aloud to the LORD,
and he answered me from his holy hill.
Psalm 3:3-4

If you are discouraged, check out this video of The Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir singing Psalm 3 (Thou, O Lord). I can't help but be moved to continue on when I hear God's promises sung like this!

Everlasting

2010-02-04T08:08:00.002-05:00

I've been studying the psalms, and in Psalm 90:1-2, Moses writes:

"Lord, you have been our dwelling place in all generations.
Before the mountains were brought forth,
or ever you had formed the earth and the world,
from everlasting to everlasting you are God."

These verses kept reminding me of the song "From the Inside Out" by Hillsong, and I felt refreshed by the praise, so I thought I would share. No matter what you are facing today, remember that He who existed before the earth and who created the world loves you and longs for you. What security we have resting in the arms of the Eternal One. He is bigger than all our storms.

Prosperity Redefined

2010-01-21T08:46:00.006-05:00

I was reading Psalm 1 recently.

In verse 3, the psalmist says of the righteous man (one who follows God):
"He is like a tree
planted by streams of water
that yields its fruit in its season,
and its leaf does not wither.
In all that he does, he prospers."

Although I aim to follow God, I don't always feel very prosperous. Usually I evaluate prosperity in terms of "externals" - house, health, career, marriage, kids. However, I saw prosperity in a different light when I read the study note in my Bible:

A tree bears fruit, not for itself, but for others;
thus, when the faithful prospers, it is not for himself, nor is the prospering even necessarily material, but he succeeds in bringing benefit to others.

What an amazing God we serve, who can use brokenness to bring true prosperity.

Heaven

2010-01-16T09:12:00.006-05:00

I have a habit of starting books and not finishing them. True to form, I had set another book aside in late August after reaching page 167/492. The book is called "Heaven" by Randy Alcorn.

Last night, I picked it up again. I'm glad I did. What I read reinforced the very lesson God has been teaching me recently - primarily that He is my ultimate dream and the very essence of my fierce hunger for all things good. Here are two encouraging passages I just read about this:

Yet if someone says, 'I want to go to Heaven to be with God forever,' others wonder, Wouldn't that be boring?
What are we thinking? The very qualities we admire in others - every one of them - are true of God. He is the source of everything we find fascinating. Who made Bach, Beethoven, and Mozart? Who gave them their gifts? Who created music itself and the ability to perform it?
All that is admirable and fascinating in human beings comes from their creator.

Alcorn also quoted a Jonathan Edwards (not the politician!) 1733 sermon as saying:

Fathers and mothers, husbands, wives, children, or the company of earthly friends, are but shadows. But the enjoyment of God is the substance. These are but scattered beams, but God is the sun. These are but streams, but God is the fountain. These are but drops, but God is the ocean.

Wow!

Soli Deo Gloria! - To God alone be the glory!

Is it still blessing if it hurts?

2010-01-12T05:00:00.005-05:00

I've been so busy trying to deal with trusting God when bad things happen that I was delighted today to receive a quite straightforward and obvious blessing. I was actually surprised! This was easy to swallow. I was planning a visit that didn't work out. For some reason, I said offhand, "Maybe God was protecting me from being exposed to illness." I found out today that God was indeed protecting me from being exposed to illness. Not hard to see the good in that.

For much of my life as a Christian, I've been trying to find the hidden good purposes of God in life's circumstances, like a little boy searching for creepy crawlies under rocks. I think this spiritual creek walking helps me feel like I'm in control. However, I've realized in the past few years that it's possible to turn over all the rocks and find no obvious purpose whatsoever. I only come out tired and muddy from the experience.

I "met" a family through the internet that has been through a horrifically traumatic experience. The father of that family recently shared on his blog that there are times you cannot "spin" life. Bad things happen, and you just can't wrap them up in motivational stories or share them with happy anecdotal endings. The unanswered questions remain. It just defies human understanding why God allows some painful experiences into our lives. We see them as negative, and we can't possibly understand them in our own capacity to be anywhere near "good."

But "we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him..."

Though true and ultimately a comfort, that verse can almost taunt a sufferer in senseless pain. How can this be allowed by God, used by God, condoned by God, much less be worked for "good"? This can break the faith of many, and even keep some people from ever believing.

I know this in part because I've had experiences so painful that I felt God had abandoned me by not showing up when and how I thought he should to prevent my suffering. I counted on him to intervene, to heal me when I asked him, to change people who hurt me, and to provide protection for me when I needed it most. He didn't. At least not in the ways I expected. I struggled with how God could still be good. Where is his good purpose? How could this be blessing?

It's interesting to me that Jesus disappointed a lot of people's expectations of the Messiah. He didn't heal everyone who was sick. He healed some. He didn't raise every dead person. He raised some. He didn't feed everyone. He fed some large crowds. He didn't reign as an earthly king. He died on a cross. It's confusing when you first think about it. Why only some healing? Why only some miracles? From a human perspective, Jesus didn't do what we expected. He didn't save Israel from the oppression of Rome because he didn't come to rule a physical kingdom. His purposes were spiritual, not physical. His miracles were a temporary foretaste of heaven and testified to his real reason for living - reconciling sinful man to a holy God. Repentance and faith and forgiveness of sins dominated his ministry.

Even the paralyzed man on the mat had his sins forgiven first. He was then told to take up his mat and walk as proof. Which miracle was more impressive to us? A paralyzed man walking. Which miracle was the most amazing in reality? A man's sins forgiven forever by God.

I think spiritually I have a long way to go. I'm still searching for the physical blessings. I'd almost rather take them over spiritual growth sometimes. Give me healing over character! Give me freedom over maturity. Sometimes, that's the way I feel if I'm honest.

God's focus on spiritual growth through pain is not high on my list of enjoyable activities. It's like medicine that tastes terrible. I need it, but I'm consumed by how much I don't want to swallow it. In my ignorance, I'd rather feast on the luxuries of physical blessings that feel good to my flesh here and now, even if they offer me little in the way of spiritual power or eternal benefit.

It's the end reward that keeps me going. It's knowing that when we share in Christ's sufferings, we will share in his glory. It's knowing that my suffering can open doors which enable me to relate to and comfort others in pain.

God does not always change circumstances or move the mountains, but through faith in Jesus, he does work ever so slowly in our hearts, purifying us, and healing our spirits of the deadly effects of our sin. Only then can God's light truly shine.

"What is to give light must endure the burning"
-Viktor Frankl

Longing for Light

2009-12-26T07:37:00.006-05:00

For the past few weeks, I've been passing through the kitchen periodically and turning our Amaryllis pot a half turn. I didn't think much about it until recently. Every December we receive a bulb, and as it grows, the long stalks lean toward the sunlight coming through the windows. To compensate for the skewed growth, we simply rotate the pot regularly to keep the stems growing straight.

During this same time, I've been doing a lot of contemplative reading through the book "Shattered Dreams." Because the book relates so immediately to my struggles with faith, doubt, God's silence, and unanswered prayer, I have been letting each chapter settle in my mind before moving on to the next. I'm still not done with the book, but the premise behind it is that God sometimes allows our earthly dreams to die in order that we may discover our ultimate dream - to be in intimate relationship with Him.

It sounds like a nice idea, doesn't it? But it glosses over a lot of things - namely, why can't I keep my earthly dreams and have God too? Is it really necessary for faithful followers of God, who already desire to do his will, to be crushed with heartache and have their lives derailed? Is all this stuff about going deeper with God just made up to make us feel better or nobler about suffering - some sort of consolation prize?

I've wrestled with these thoughts as I have read, and to be honest, I have felt both uneasy and comforted with the bluntness that Larry Crabb uses to describe how unresponsive and silent God can be. Yes, I have experienced this, but no, I do not want to believe that God can allow us such pain and long periods of darkness into our lives. I want a God where (to cite the book), when I press the "call nurse" button, he shows up!

The problem is that God does not speak audibly or show up physically, and spiritually he can seem very slow, if not absent. He often refrains from changing circumstances right when we ask, opting for more subtle methods of communication, and it's tempting at times to think he's just not there - or if he is, that he somehow doesn't care.

"It's hard enough to develop a personal relationship with an invisible God, one whose voice I never hear the way I hear a friend's voice over the phone; it's even harder to feel close to an unresponsive God." - pg 21 Shattered Dreams

And when all the unresponsiveness of God hits my soul, where do I turn to get the immediate relief I'm looking for?

That's the question we all must answer at one time or another. When dreams I hold dear shatter devastatingly on this earth, what do I do to cope with the searing pain?

I have developed all kinds of coping mechanisms (some healthier than others), but primarily, I turn to relationships. I want different relationships now than I once did. So many shallow and superfluous things used to matter, but now I desperately want friends who will understand, listen, and comfort. I want to be around people who are good, wise, and kind. I seek people who will last with me loyally through the hard times and not bail because things get (and stay) difficult. And I find myself fiercely hungry for truth - for people to be honest, transparent, sincere. I'm hungry for right-ness and for justice - to see people treated with respect, blessings for good and punishment for evil, relief of suffering. I'm hungry for love - for protective, lasting, perfect love.

And when I realized last week that all these things, for which I'm now passionately longing, are the essence of God's character - lived out through Jesus Christ - it occurred to me that I'm hungrier than ever for the Son of God himself. Everywhere I see a hint of His likeness, I subconsciously flock to it. Because of my trials, I'm now leaning toward His light like an Amaryllis bending and craving the sun. And it just might be that this dark time of shattered dreams actually has unearthed a whole new dream in me after all...growing under the heat of adversity while I was unaware.

I looked up the word "phototropism" the other day, and by definition, it is the growing toward or away from the light. I think we all have this response when hard times hit. We have to grow. It's in our very nature. But which direction do we take? It's either to grow deep into bitterness, addictions, and pain, shunning God and blocking him out, or we stretch more longingly toward God, searching out ways to help others, ways to comfort and be comforted, straining toward any hint of light we can find.

Just like table lamps for plants are a poor substitute for the sun, I often fall for the trap of mistaking people with positive traits or feel-good activities for the ultimate source of light. Trying to substitute for God has left me disappointed, frustrated, and unfulfilled. It's becoming clear that I cannot be fully satisfied by anyone other than Jesus, The Son himself - the one I was created to love and long for. I now recognize that every hint of light I see in people points me to Him. He is the true desire of my soul, and that desire is growing stronger every day of this long trial.

Rejoice not over me, O my enemy;
when I fall, I shall rise;
when I sit in darkness,
the Lord will be a light to me.
Micah 7:8

Better Plans than Mine

2009-12-24T15:02:00.010-05:00

Even after learning my lesson about trusting the crochet pattern over my own faulty reasoning, I still found myself experiencing moments of intense doubt right up to the last day of making this. I worked just to the edge of the wing, and instead of telling me to finish it off, the pattern instructed me to divert and work on another section instead. "That makes absolutely no sense," I thought to myself. "Why would I leave the tip undone when I'm in the position to quickly and easily do it now?"

I continued to doubt the pattern-maker's unorthodox ways, which frequently ran contrary to my own plans, but the directions turned out to be valid and right each and every time. Many steps along the way seemed arbitrary, pointless, needless, or just plain wrong. But as you can see, the One who went before me and designed it all had a very good end in mind!

Lean on, trust in, and be confident in the Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight or understanding.

In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge Him, and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths.
Proverbs 3:5-6 (Amp)

The Pattern-Maker

2009-12-01T09:42:00.003-05:00

Just last week, my mom and I ordered our Christmas tree. It's arriving today!

We used to have a lovely artificial tree from my childhood; however, my family and I lost our home and possessions to hidden water damage and toxic mold in 1998. Virtually everything (including the tree) was lost in that catastrophe. Since that time, we've struggled with losses of all shapes and sizes. It's not been an easy road to rebuild a life, to rebuild a home, to rebuild traditions, and most importantly to rebuild our damaged health, especially in the midst of subsequent trials and challenges.

The past several years, we've celebrated Christmas without a tree. I thought that this year we could use a new one to lift our spirits and to try to have some "normal" moments in the midst of abnormal circumstances.

In the process of ordering the new tree, I realized that we did not have an angel to go on top! One of my favorite memories from childhood was placing our little crocheted angel on top of our beautifully decorated tree to finish the job. It was the official start to Christmas.

Since I enjoy crocheting, I looked for a pattern I could use to make a special tree-topper. I found a picture of the perfect little angel on a website and purchased the pattern. The pattern was 8 pages long and the most complicated crochet project I'd ever attempted.

I started out one stitch at a time, and by last night, I had begun the intricate design on the skirt. Row after row of spacing and stitching revealed a lovely lace, but when I examined the picture of the finished product, it didn't look the same to me. A sinking feeling crept into my stomach. I started to doubt the pattern, thinking there must be some mistake. I checked and rechecked the rows, but the design still did not seem to match up to what I thought it should look like. I even considered making a modification myself or ripping out the hours of work I'd already done.

Finally, I had to make a decision to trust the pattern and just keep going. It was blind trust. I couldn't see how these rows would all come together to create my ideal angel. I ran the risk of losing more time and effort if I had to rip it out later. I simply had to decide that since the pattern-maker had seen this work from beginning to end, it must be the right path to follow.

A few rows later, it became clear. I saw the pattern forming right before my eyes!

Suddenly, the spiritual parallel hit me. The Bible is the pattern that God wrote for life. If I follow it line by line, book by book, my life will be woven into the best possible design. However, in the midst of following it, things can look confusing, even like there's been some big mistake. Sometimes I might think, "Lord, this doesn't look right. This doesn't look like the kind of life you promised!"

Taking it upon myself to deviate from the pattern of God's word will cause a lot of problems. Trying to correct God's pattern to fit society's ideals, my desires, and to please other people is the biggest mistake I can make. Compromising biblical truth will never give me God's best.

Trust comes when I make the choice to continue in faith step-by-step, stitch-by-stitch, according to God's pattern. Only then will the fabric of my life form and develop in a way pleasing to him. His instructions may sound wrong, or even impossible to follow. Do good to my enemies? Overcome evil with good? Deny myself? Take up my cross? Lay down my life? It's counter-intuitive to follow some of Christ's commands. But when I have faith to rely on The Pattern-Maker who has already seen my life from beginning to end, I don't have to worry. Each Biblical choice built on the next will create the final product I desire - a life that glorifies God.

When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
Psalm 139:15-16

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Romans 12:2

Climbing

2009-11-29T09:49:00.007-05:00

In my dream last night, I was climbing.

It took all the strength I had just to hang on. I was sweating. Trying to catch my breath, my fingers curled, knuckles white. I panted as I reached higher, as my legs pushed frantically on falling footholds.

I wasn't just climbing any old rock. I was climbing an almost vertical mountain of sand.

It's funny to me how the brain works sometimes, especially in dreams. We work so hard in real life to organize our reality, to analyze our thoughts, to put everything in neat, labeled baskets. But dreams defy our attempts to categorize. They often reflect the chaos lurking on the inside - all the loose ends that refuse to be tied up. The insecurities, the fears, the desires, the frustrations all lurk in the deep recesses of our brains, like elusive animals only willing to emerge in the darkness of the night.

The funny part about this dream I had was how other people on the sand mountain had somehow climbed right past me. There were those who had reached the summit with ease, while I struggled to keep hanging on. Each time I reached up, my hand slid right back down, and every inch of progress made was an inch lost as the sliding sands gave way. In the dream, every muscle fiber strained to make progress, to move forward, and every ounce of strength was returned null and void as I seemingly went nowhere.

But I just kept trying anyway.

Watching others reach dreams and goals that I treasure in my own heart has been hard for me. I often cry out to God for relief - for the opportunity to have what other people have - people who defy God and don't care to follow him but are blessed anyway. In fact, just this past week I found out that an especially ungodly man I know was blessed with a second child. He has it all - career, family, health, house, hobbies, friends, education, even a dog. And I wonder why it's been so easy for him to scale the obstacles of life in direct defiance of God.

Last night at church, Pastor Rick challenged us with whether we are like the older brother in the story of the prodigal son - you know, the guy who gets ticked that his rebellious brother gets blessed? He's not usually the focus of the story, but his dissatisfaction hit home for me. Am I the one who faithfully tries to serve God hoping I'll get what I want out of him, rather than delighting in being with him? Do I resent it when God blesses other people with things that I long for? Is my goal to please God only so that he'll make my path easier? Obviously, life does not work like that, and I have to reconsider whether this monumental struggle I'm facing might just be a tool to humble me, to test my heart, and to find out why I am really following God after all.

Is God just a means to get MY dreams? Is he just a way to get strength to fulfill MY desires? Do I trust that he wants what is best for me? These are questions I must answer.

This month I plan to read a book called "Shattered Dreams" by Larry Crabb.

On the back, it says:
"Shattered drams," writes Dr. Larry Crabb, "are never random. They are always a piece in a larger puzzle, a chapter in a larger story. The Holy Spirit uses the pain of shattered dreams to help us discover our desire for God, to help us begin dreaming the highest dream."

As I keep climbing and sliding back down, I hope to learn more about why God has me here and the best way to respond to this mountain of sand that he's placed in my path.

Out Of My Hands
The Turning

All my restless heart could do is cry
I stepped on out into the night
The tides turned again and nothing felt right
I searched for truth I sought your light
and all my restless heart could do is cry

Chorus:
Everything I held is out of my hands
Everything you bless is not what I’d planned
Not what I’d seen, not what I’d dreamed

My heart's hope will rise and fall with the wind
A gentle breeze will blow me over again
I’m walking unstable

And all the things I held
Were dragging my heart so far down
And the things I’d dreamed were nothing,
Nothing as they’d seemed
And then I question you
And doubt you as the God I know
But all over again, you saved me from myself

If You Want Me To

2009-11-19T11:10:00.004-05:00

This song slipped into my mind today. When we are walking through the valley with God, there is always the choice to trust him or to draw back in fear. A pastor was on TV late last night, and I was busy on my computer. My attention quickly shifted to the TV when I suddenly heard the pastor say: There is one thing that God is waiting to see from you when you are walking through trial, and it is this: "Will you trust me?"

God, I am humbled as I struggle daily to follow you one step at a time. Please help me to continue to trust you and not draw back in fear when the fire is hot.

"But we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but of those who believe and are saved."
Hebrews 10:39

Stented or Stunted?

2009-11-09T12:04:00.008-05:00

Along this journey of chronic illness and family sorrows, I've had plenty of chances to feel angry. People whom I thought would be there for me have deeply disappointed me. People I trusted have broken trust. Relationships I relied on have failed. And I've been left confused, broken, bruised.

A bruise is a great way to describe the pain of loss because it just aches mildly all the time, until someone touches it with a comment or a reminder, causing the old pain to flare up again.

It's been a challenge for me especially to forgive my father. This past week, even deeper sin and deceit were uncovered, pouring fresh pain into our lives again. His actions not only hurt me, but I have repeatedly had to see him hurt my mom, someone I love so much. It's a re-opening of old wounds that can never seem to heal.

Pastor Charles Stanley did a series on handling anger earlier in the summer, and his shows were repeated on TV recently. I watched them again, trying to soak in the secret of forgiveness - that elusive yet all-important action that is the foundation of following Christ (along with faith and love).

There were a lot of important points he made in the teaching series, but the one that stuck with me the most was that forgiveness is for my own benefit, not for the person who hurt me.

Because really, when I think about whom my anger affects the most, that person is me. I'm the one who meditates on the wrong done. I'm the one who desires justice and things to be made right. I'm the one who feels the pain and lets it ruin my joy and happiness. Anger can even affect my attitude toward people who have nothing to do with the offense. Basically, unchecked anger and unforgiveness can make me bitter. Slowly, surreptitiously, creeping like deadly plaque building up in coronary arteries, anger builds up in my soul, restricting my ability to love. God can't flow through me if my heart is clogged up with hatred. Instead, I'm imprisoned by my desire to make the other person pay.

It can happen to anyone. I read a Bible verse yesterday that reminded me even Moses fell for the trap of anger -

They angered him at the waters of Meribah,
and it went ill with Moses on their account,
for they made his spirit bitter,
and he spoke rashly with his lips.
Psalm 106:32-33

That bitterness of spirit cost Moses the privilege of entering the Promised Land. He's the one who suffered because he let anger get the best of him. Because his heart was clogged with unforgiveness, God couldn't use him in that important moment.

Bitterness in my spirit will cost me dearly too.

This verse reminds me how easy it is to fall - how easy it is to let the sin of others influence me and cause me to lose my peace. I can miss God's best for my life if I don't reach out to Jesus and ask him to teach me how to forgive as he forgave - being nailed to the cross and yet forgiving his murderers as they were crucifying him. That is amazing love.

I'm not capable of forgiving on my own - especially deep and chronic wounds caused by repeated offense. I need the help of Christ daily to walk in forgiveness. But when I ask Jesus, he is faithful and will help me with the emotions of anger and pain that seem to rear up again and again.

Just like blocked arteries can be carefully reopened and stented by a skilled physician, God is the Great Physician for my spirit, and he can reopen my diseased, unforgiving heart in order for his love and life to flow.

Earning Love

2009-11-01T11:26:00.002-05:00

When I was in junior high, my friend Dana and I would always laugh about a song by Billy Joel called "The Entertainer." Our favorite line was "I learned to dance with a hand in my pants." It never failed to send us into fits of giggles. Because we listened to it more than a few times, I picked up some of the other lyrics too. It was about a performer who had to keep producing in order to stay on top of the charts and be successful in his career. Part of the song went like this:

Ah, you've seen me in the papers,
I've been in the magazines.
But if I go cold,
I won't get sold.
I'll get put in the back
In the discount rack,
Like another can of beans.

I thought of the "can of beans" song this week as I recovered from the grueling experience of getting my H1N1 shot. I was very sick from the experience of waiting for 4 hours, and the shot probably didn't help me recover any faster. I was just a blob in bed for several days. Muscle aches, overwhelming, extraordinary fatigue, dizziness, and "brain fog" kept me from doing all I wanted to do. This posed a problem for my part-time job. I typically spend a few hours each day on the computer doing work for my company. This past week, I couldn't accomplish anything substantial. It was extremely frustrating, and because of my lack of production, I wasn't feeling very good about myself. As I worried about falling behind and losing my job, I thought, "I'm going to be put on the discount rack!"

This isn't just a work-related issue. In relationships, I desire to earn people's approval as well. I often find myself feeling like "damaged goods" when I can't be at an important event or meet a perceived expectation because of my illness. I feel like I disappoint people in my life when I have to repeatedly cancel plans. Occasionally I have even wondered, "why are they still friends with me?" Looking at the situation objectively, I realize this is ridiculous. I know that I don't judge my friends based on what they can or can't do for me. But still, the emotional toll of chronic illness is not always logical. It's very easy for chronic illness to make me feel like I'm less valuable than when I was healthy - like a dented can of beans on the "discount rack."

It's a sad fact that the world often does base our worth on our performance, appearance, and abilities. Stars and celebrities are valued for what they can do, how well they sing or act compared to others. All this comparison can seep into our own souls, causing us to look around and place ourselves on a sliding scale of "better than her" but "not as good as her." This constant see-saw of inferiority to sometimes superiority can be agonizing. It's a good thing that God's constant, unconditional love is not about what WE do or who WE are, it's about who HE is and what HE did!

It's a tremendous blessing in life when a person truly loves us without any strings attached. We could yell, scream, or cry. We could smell. We could complain. We could just lie in 1 position without moving, but that person's love for us never wavers or changes.

God's love goes even farther than that. We can sin against him repeatedly, and God loves us no less than the day he gave us life. His love endures forever. He loved us so much that he gave us the life of his only Son, so that he would bear our just punishment, in order that we may be spared.

The message of this world is that we can somehow earn God's love or earn our way into heaven, but that couldn't be further from the truth. After all, how may "good works" are enough? When we do something wrong, how many "points" does that take off our account? To whom will we be compared when we first stand at the pearly gates? Who is the standard? Will it be enough to be "better" than the woman next door? These questions don't have any satisfactory answers. The fact is, there is no need to earn God's love because we already have it. All we have to do is accept it by believing in the One he sent to save us.

If you are struggling with feeling inferior or like less of a person because of illness, because of failures, or for any reason, remember that God's love does not operate on a performance-based system like the world does. We can (and will) screw up royally, but God has no "discount rack." You are valued and deeply loved in his sight. Trust in his son Jesus. He did all the work for you so that you can rest in his grace.

For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.
Ephesians 2:8-9

Worth a "Shot"

2009-10-29T09:06:00.006-04:00

On Tuesday, free H1N1 vaccines were offered for the first time in my community at a local church. Admittedly, I was originally planning to just tough out this flu season without any shots as I always do. However, within the past week, at least 11-12 people that I knew of had come down with the flu, some of those cases turning into pneumonia. I have asthma, and the very real risk of such a contagious flu hitting me hard caused me to look into getting the vaccine.

When I showed up to the church Tuesday afternoon, I was very nervous. I was wondering how long I'd have to wait, if there would be enough vaccines, but most of all I was wondering what kind of reaction my body would have. Would I pass out? Would I simply feel sick? Would I be too sick to drive myself home? My system was flowing with adrenaline as I approached the busy church parking lot. Suddenly, a song came on the radio that filled me with peace. (It's the top song on my playlist to the right, "Everlasting God.")

I pulled into the church over 1/2 hour before the shots were scheduled to start. As I approached the line that streamed out the back entrance, down the sidewalk, and wrapped back and forth over the blacktop, I realized just how quickly I needed to move to secure my place in line. When I finally got into place behind the last person, 2 women came by counting. I was in between number 960 and 970!

This is what it looked like when I walked up to the line at 3:30 p.m.

I almost turned around right there and went back to my car.

However, the counting women proceeded to give more information. There were 1500 live nasal mists available and close to 800 shots. I was not able to receive a nasal mist because of my chronic health issues, but I had a chance at receiving a shot. All I had to do was wait and see.

The line started to move in spurts, and I was feeling unusually good that day. The weather was pleasant and dry. I had water with me to remain hydrated. This local church was the only place around that offered H1N1 vaccines, and so I reasoned this was my best chance at preventing the flu as well as the secondary complications that so often occur due to my asthma and chronic illness.

The line moved along, and I began to survey the people around me. Many obviously pregnant women were there to protect themselves and their unborn children. There were also parents there with their kids, trying to keep them occupied, fed, and quiet on blankets and in strollers. There were also people there with chronic health conditions like mine. As more and more people streamed into the parking lot and the line snaked around 3, then 4, then 5 times, I considered what great lengths we were all going through to protect our lives and the lives of our loved ones.

After waiting for over 2 hours in the line, I began to feel very sick, even with breaks to squat down and rest. I had begun to talk with the other people in the line, and the one woman ahead of me could see I was having considerable trouble - swaying back and forth like a tree in a windstorm. She urged me to sit on the sidewalk while she held my place in line. It was the only way I made it through without fainting. I later learned that she had health issues very similar to mine and also was a Christian. I imagine that the chance of us being next to one another in this long line of people was not "chance" but blessing.

It was a mental and physical battle to remain in that line. I was dizzy, exhausted, and pushing far past my physical limitations. So many times we heard discouraging rumors - that they would run out of vaccine early, that they would close before we reached the church, that they wouldn't have enough of the shots, only the mist would be left. Each time, we had to make the choice to stay in the line and not give up and go home. I almost did go home about half-way through. The only thing that kept me going was the thought of being very sick this winter and wishing I had stuck it out to the end.

The restrictions for who could receive a vaccine were fairly strict. We were pre-screened, and each person had to qualify in the 1st tier (or high-risk category) of pregnant women, children, or those with very specific health conditions. The woman behind me must not have qualified because although she had immune system issues, she was screened and told she had to leave after 2 hours of waiting.

What makes people endure a line such as this one without giving up in despair?

The hope of life.

Many times during those long hours, I just looked around marveling at how many people were enduring this Russian-breadline wait in order to get into this church. They literally wanted to save their lives and the lives of their children. That's what made the wait worthwhile. This highly-contagious virus could knock these vulnerable people into the hospital within days. The thoughts of that kept them standing, kept them sitting, kept them inching forward along with me toward that life-protective vaccine.

Seeing the church steeple up ahead, I thought about the hope of eternal life that Christ offers. I thought of how, like the vaccine, his forgiveness is free. It's offered for a limited time while we're alive on earth, and without him, no one is immune from the inevitable effects of sin and death. We all need Jesus. We desperately need him more than any H1N1 vaccine. We need him because we are infected with sin. He is the only one who can save us, not from a temporary virus, but from Hell itself. Jesus is the true hope of life.

After I had endured the total 4 hours of waiting, I finally sat down in the seat at the end and had a quick, simple, anticlimactic shot of vaccine. I stood up and walked out a few seconds later. As I crossed the grass in the back lot, I could hear, and faintly see in the dark, families still in line outside the building. It was cold and well after sunset, but that shot was worth it to them.

When I got home and realized the battle I had won over despair, I thought of the lengths that the devil will go to to discourage us from waiting in faith and receiving the crown of life. Overcoming those potent obstacles of fear, exhaustion, and false ideas, and persevering to the end is what it takes to receive victory in this life and the next.

Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.
James 1:12

"I'm Sticking with God"

2009-10-26T04:40:00.003-04:00

Found this verse when clearing out my email inbox -

Lamentations 3:24-26 (MSG) says: I’m sticking with God (I say it over and over). He’s all I’ve got left. God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the woman who diligently seeks. It’s a good thing to quietly hope, quietly hope for help from God.

Wherever you are today, whatever you face, don't give up. Day after day of the same problems and the same unanswered questions can wear us down, but sticking with God and quietly hoping in him will give us victory in the end.

In Awe

2009-10-24T03:56:00.007-04:00

Have you ever thought about the word "awesome"?

Inspiring awe.

Inspiring reverence, respect, dread, and wonder.

But you know, I've called pizza awesome. In fact, if anything is even remotely positive, I have a tendency to throw around the word awesome. I blame the 1980s.

I realized in church a while ago, when singing songs about God being "good," that I really have no words in my vocabulary anymore that are reserved for something better than pizza. By casually throwing words like "great," "good," and "awesome" around as slang, I've allowed their power to be diminished.

It's been hard, but I've lately been making an effort to reserve the word "awesome" only for references to God (and God's work). Though it's not easy to avoid my slang-awesome habit (awesome slang habit?), I am trying to convey to God that I truly consider him and his works to be utterly incomparable.

A couple weeks ago, I had the privilege and the energy to get outside for a few hours and take some pictures of the fall foliage. The colors of the leaves were breathtaking. Everywhere I turned, there was a new view of color bursting from an unexpected place. It filled me with giddy excitement and a fresh awareness of how beautiful and creative God is.

Last night, I took some time to read about the mitral valve in the heart. It's constructed in 2 cusps, forming a crescent moon shape. It's designed specifically with the pressure in the heart to only open in one direction at perfectly timed intervals. Then, it securely fastens shut in order for blood to pump into the body without any leaks. As I read about the precision and the genius of this one little valve and how it keeps working every beat of our lives, I was filled with a fresh awareness of how incredibly smart and wise God is.

Tonight, I looked at Hubble telescope pictures of the Helix nebula, the Andromeda galaxy, and Saturn, to name a few. I thought about how far away the stars must be, how it takes light millions of years to travel the immense distance between star and earth. I was filled with a fresh awareness of how inconceivably big and powerful God is.

Even with these whispers of God's awesome creation, it's still easy for me to take God for granted. Just as our modern city lights wash out the visual impact of the night sky and cause brilliant stars to appear dim, sometimes my overwhelming problems obscure my view of God's greatness.

I imagined tonight how the stars must have appeared before "light pollution" was ever a problem. How amazing must the view of the night sky have been for the psalmist as he wrote this?

"When I consider your heavens,
the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
which you have set in place,
what is man that you are mindful of him,
the son of man that you care for him?" (Psalm 8:3-4)

As I read these words of worship tonight, I was reminded that God's power never diminishes, weakens, or changes. Like the stars, he always shines bright with power, holiness, and love. My view of him can sometimes dim though - due to my casual language, my busyness, or simply failing to stop and reflect before I pray. In hard times, when I come to him in prayer repeatedly, the burden of my unanswered questions can weigh me down to the point where I forget to look up... up into the face of my Father... up to the throne of my King. When my eyes catch a glimpse of how truly awe inspiring God is, then my perspective is changed. I see that he is big enough to fill the universe, old enough to outlast time, and victorious Savior of my soul.

My heart is strengthened when I see anew that our God is an awesome God.

Walk By Faith

2009-10-02T09:37:00.002-04:00

This song encouraged and empowered me yesterday. As you journey with God, I hope this song prompts you to continue with the Lord today, one step at a time.

Walk By Faith (on my player at right)
by Jeremy Camp

Will I believe you when you say
Your hand will guide my every way
Will I receive the words You say
Every moment of every day

Well I will walk by faith
Even when I cannot see
Well because this broken road
Prepares Your will for me

Help me to rid my endless fears
You've been so faithful for all my years
With one breath You make me new
Your grace covers all I do

Well I'm broken- but I still see Your face
Well You've spoken- pouring Your words of grace

Well hallelujah, hallelu
(I will walk by faith)
Well hallelujah, hallelu
(I will walk by faith)

I will walk, I will walk, I will walk by faith
I will, I will, I will walk by faith

The Secret of Being Content

2009-09-29T05:36:00.004-04:00

This morning is the first morning in quite a while where 2 things haven't happened:
1) I don't have hours of work to do.
2) I don't feel really sick.

To celebrate my free time, I've been indulging my habit of clicking around the internet. I love to sit at my computer in the quietness of the morning, to hear the wind blowing outside, a cup of hot cocoa (and marshmallows) next to me, and to poke around at news stories, blogs, and anything else that satisfies my never ending curiosity.

On my typical trip to the AOL homepage, I clicked on a Today Show story which eventually led me to other Today Show stories. I learned about research in life after death, a woman who claims she got pregnant again while currently being pregnant (!), and then this story...

"What Makes Women Happy?"

Interesting question.

The economists on the segment had polled women in America and Europe and gained a sense of declining happiness from women over the last 30 years or so. It's interesting to me that as women have started to do more in society - to take on more responsibilities and roles, that stress has increased and happiness has decreased. One panelist on the segment suggested a few differences between women who were happy and those who weren't. He said that women who were unhappy tended to "juggle" their responsibilities in life. The main aspect of juggling? He said it's throwing. There is never enough time to savor the moments in life that invigorate us and make us really happy. It's interesting to me because he also said that trying to maintain "balance" was an enemy of happiness. He said the truly happy women find things that satisfy them and lean into doing those things.

When I heard this, I immediately thought of my pastor's blog entry from a while back about how we should live unbalanced lives. Shocking? It was for me. Since high school, I had been trying to find "balance" in my life, which I defined as "doing it all." I scheduled art classes along with chemistry. After school tennis and early morning Bible study. Band instead of lunch. Foreign language as well as tutoring English. If there was a time slot to slide something else in, I filled it. I felt it was my job as a follower of Christ to maximize my time by doing everything I was capable of doing...

That myth of needing to be the woman who "does it all" (and does it well) continued to grow in me as I went through college. I tried to maintain social commitments, extracurriculars, volunteering, work, and school, while commuting daily and also remaining committed to God and my family. The result? I was always running on empty, not able to do anything with my full strength and joy. My health was failing at the time. I was being spread too thin. I thought my genuine heart to do right by everyone would miraculously give me the health and strength to keep going forever, but I was wrong. I burned out.

At the height of my quest to do everything, I remember being asked to go to a movie with someone, and I didn't want to go. It was a late movie, and it was far away. I needed to just go home and relax. However, because I had no prior commitment, I felt that I had to say yes. It was an open time slot. I was worried I would make the person feel bad if I opted for staying home instead of going out with them. It was a turning point for me when I said "no" to that invitation. I remember it clearly. It was just the beginning of learning to set boundaries and to toss this idea of "doing it all" out the window.

The thing that I've learned since then is: I can't do it all. No one can. Not a single person can do everything they want, along with everything expected of them, and do it all well. It just doesn't work. Something has to give, whether its the quality of your work, the enjoyment of your social life, the intimacy of your closest relationships, the amount of sleep each night, or (in my case) your health. There are sacrifices for striving for balance. I think satisfaction in life is the first to go. The stress of added commitments can be like a python, slowly squeezing the joy out of life.

Illness is a quick way to identify priorities. If you've never heard of The Spoon Theory, I recommend you read it. It basically says that illness limits the amount of energy in any given day (represented by a fist full of spoons). Each activity we do in a day requires we give up a spoon (showering, driving, talking, preparing a meal). There comes a point with chronic illness where I run out of spoons for the day, and if I "push" to do an important activity, I may end up borrowing all my spoons for the next day, or even the next week, leaving me sick and unable to function after the event is over. (I did this over a week ago, and I'm just now starting to feel more like myself.) My point is that I have learned only to put my valuable energy (my spoons) into things that really matter: relationships that are quality, a hobby or two that I really enjoy, work I feel God has given me to do, and even resting purposefully.

What I've learned from my pastor, from trials, and from illness is a whole new perspective and appreciation for "unbalance." (If you only knew what a 180 it is for me to write this!) I've found that I serve God better and have more joy when I focus on pouring myself passionately into only what He has called me to do. Not what society tells me I should do. Not what my inner expectations tell me. Not even what seems "good." Even "good" things like service projects can snag me into being spread too thin. Just like I can't send money to every worthwhile charity, I can't spend my energy on every worthwhile activity. I need to listen for the voice of God, and when I hear him speak, I need to do what he's asked, as long as he asks, with everything I have. Sometimes, God asks me to go through things I don't feel strong enough to endure. Sometimes, God asks me to completely rest, which can be just as hard (if not harder) to obey.

Learning to live unbalanced and focus solely on those things that please God can be a tricky business. I still feel the pressure of "doing" and "accomplishing" when I rest. I fight guilt when I say no. I worry when I can't get emails and phone calls returned quickly. I struggle to block responsibilities and distractions out of my mind when I pray or read the Bible. But it also brings a miraculous sense of peace when I finally let go of trying to do everything. Resting in the grace of Christ while passionately devoting myself to his work is the key to gaining the joy that Christ died to give me. Jesus said:

The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows).
John 10:10

This enjoyment that he talks about is not transient happiness from the good seasons in our life. It's a sustainable joy that resides deep in our hearts no matter the storms that may rage all around. When Paul says in Philippians 4 that he has learned the secret of being content in any and all situations, it's because he had this special brand of enjoyment in Christ. If we look at Paul's life, he didn't have everything in balance. He was a man of extreme passion, to the point of persecuting Christians before he met Christ. But then, after his encounter with Jesus, his passion was for telling others the truth of the gospel no matter the obstacles, danger, jail time, or harm he faced. He wrote:

"I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

When he said he can do "everything," it didn't mean he could do all activities he wanted with moderation - it meant he could face any extreme circumstance through Christ's strength. When I face extreme circumstances, as I do currently, asking Christ for strength has been my secret weapon. When I keep my focus not on living a balanced life, but on loving God with all my heart, soul, and mind, he gives me peace that passes understanding and the strength to press on.

Trusting While Not Understanding

2009-09-24T04:00:00.004-04:00

My grandmother is a beautiful woman, inside and out.

She has the smoothest skin of any 88-year-old I've ever seen. Her voice is a precious sound. As a child, I remember its melodies echoing through her house as the smell of fresh-baked cookies would fill the air. She was a sharp dresser, had a big laugh, and always had a hug and a kiss for me.

When I was a child, I remember tea parties in the bathtub, having her put pretty ribbons in my hair, and always planning new projects that we could make for Mom and Dad. She taught me how to knit, sew a pair of shorts, and quilt. I would watch her in amazement as she put together stunning flower arrangements from her own garden and twist ribbon to wrap packages in a way Santa's elves would envy.

She was full of wisdom, generosity, creativity, and love.

My grandma had a stroke 2 years ago and has had several more since then (we recently found out). She had always been very independent and lived on her own until her first stroke, but since that time, she has had to live with us. My mom is her full-time caregiver, and I help when I can too.

Strokes can affect different parts of the brain to cause disability. The part of my grandma's brain that was affected was her ability to process speech and her personality. Communicating with her can be very difficult, complicated by the fact that she is also hard of hearing. Only some words get in, and those words can often be easily mixed up. An example:

Me: "I need a vacation."
Grammy: "You need a big table? I'll clear this one off."

Misunderstandings like that can be amusing and harmless, but they can also cause a lot of problems.

Just like anyone else, Grammy values her independence fiercely. She is reluctant to accept help now when she needs it the most. For instance, when it comes to bathing, she is unsteady, weak, and needs help ordering and completing the tasks required to wash. For her own safety, we have to be there to assist her. Unfortunately, she does not agree and can become quite agitated when we try to help her ("GET OUT!"). It can escalate into a full blown war if not handled delicately. Bath time is not always a very happy time.

After many encounters with washing Grammy, some good, some not-so-good-at-all (accusing my Mom, who was bent down washing her feet, of being "not Christian!"), I've realized 2 primary things that make it hard for her:

1) She feels out of control.
2) She doesn't understand why she needs to do what we ask.

I can relate so well to these feelings, personally, and when I keep reassuring her that she needs to trust me and that I'm trying to help her, I become suddenly aware of the spiritual parallel.

I don't always understand what God is doing. It isn't always easy or comfortable. And it certainly doesn't always make sense. But God is working on washing me clean on the inside, promising that "he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." (Philippians 1:6) This process is an incredible gift from God by his Spirit. The Bible promises that through faith in Christ, we "are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit." (2 Corinthians 3:18) Another Bible translation says our inner change is "from one degree of glory to another." I like the King James version best that says we are changed into his image "from glory to glory." Each trial with God is an opportunity for him to make us one degree of glory more like Him. The choice is up to us if we plan to resist Him or to trust Him in faith.

So often I am suspicious of God. I don't say it like that in my head, but when things get too difficult in life, I feel doubts that he really has good plans for me. Scripture clearly says that he has my very best interest in his heart, but I think to myself, "This surely isn't good for me." My view, narrowed by the frail human mind, is all that I can see, and when I start to feel out of control, I instantly bristle and resist as my first line of defense. Though my grandma's resistance is due to physical illness, my resistance is based in the spiritual illness of sin. I like to think that I'm an expert in what is right for me and when it is right, and, to quote my grandma, "This is NOT RIGHT for me!"

It's been very eye opening for me to see how willfulness, lack of understanding, and failing to trust can cause harm and consequences in the future. My grandma doesn't want to make life harder for my mom or for me, but due to her illness, she can sure bring consequences for all of us when she doesn't trust our guidance. Spiritually, I can suffer consequences by not trusting God's guidance.

How much must I hurt God and make life more difficult when I resist him and say, "I know better than you what should be happening here."?

Does the clay say to the potter, 'What are you making?'
Isaiah 45:9

How much better instead to say: "Father, I know you want what's best for me. Even though I don't understand and wish I felt more in control, I will submit and trust you."

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6

Is God Fair and Just?

2009-09-14T01:19:00.003-04:00

I was just browsing through an online discussion entitled, "What attribute of God is hardest for you to grasp?" Attributes such as: Holy, Eternal, All-Powerful, All-Knowing, and Fair & Just.

After reading through 3 pages of responses, it seemed to me that most people struggled with God being fair and just. It's not hard to see why.

We see unfair things happen around us every day. We, ourselves, experience unfairness to various degrees. Loved ones die. We get cut off in traffic. Friends suddenly betray us. Dreams are shattered. And of course, the list goes on and on. Each of us instinctively recognizes when life is not fair. It's not a thought you think, it's a feeling you get - deep down in your gut - like a fire. That outrage burns and rises up inside, testifying to the brutal mismatch of right versus wrong. "This is not how it SHOULD be," we think. Why doesn't God change this circumstance to make it RIGHT?

Just to be clear, I recognize that occasionally my sense of unfairness is just a fancy excuse for selfishness. There are times I need to share the bathroom, to do the dishes even though I'm not in the mood, and to deal with not getting my own way all the time. But what I'm talking about here is not selfishness or a demand for God to grant my every wish. I'm talking about the truly WRONG things that happen to people - the things that make others cry out in unison on behalf of the offended party - the drunk driver whose car hits a family, a woman neglected in a nursing home and receiving no basic care for days, a man who feels it's his right to abuse his wife, an orphan dying of HIV/AIDS. Those are some things that unite us in wondering, "Is God really just and fair?"

Judging simply by our experience on earth, it's intelligent to say that life is not fair. From birth to death, if we saw nothing else, it would be easy to conclude that an all-powerful God is not bringing consistent justice to anyone - even his followers.

Granted, some people seem to get justice here and there, but that kind of justice is incomplete and not always what it seems. Just because a criminal gets prison time, a cheater gets caught, or a charitable person gets a promotion, that is not always God enacting his justice - no more than we could claim a natural disaster was a judgment on all of those wounded or killed. It's easy to look for patterns in life to try to eek out a semblance of justice wherever we can, but we are like children looking for flowers in a bed of weeds and settling for dandelions. It doesn't quench our desire for fairness because this world was never meant to do so.

My personal journey over the last 10 years has been fraught with what I would call unfair circumstances, not just for me, but for my loved ones as well. Seeing old photos or videos of better times (like I did today) just drives home the tremendous losses and victimization we have had to sustain, for seemingly no purpose, no obvious reason. I can ask why? why? why? about the losses and about the persecution, but the sense of unfairness lingers. I can push it deep down. I can cover it up with Christian language, saying it's all working for good. And I can tell people that God has grown me as a person because of it. And all those may be true things, but it does not change the inherent unfairness. I still cry out inside for God to make things RIGHT!

I think it's really freeing to call out unjust circumstances for what they are. It's sometimes scary to tell God that something is unjust or unfair - as if we are talking back to Him and being disrespectful. But God built my sense of right and wrong into my soul, and I firmly believe that I can humbly tell him how strongly I feel about injustice. Job sure did. The psalmists did. In fact, God will often agree with our laments and feel our same sense of anguish and pain. It's God himself who says, "For I, the LORD, love justice; I hate robbery and iniquity." (Isaiah 61:8) So the logical question that comes to my mind next is:

If God loves justice so much, and he is all-powerful, then why don't we see him righting all the wrongs?

It comes down to the title of my blog. Qavah. Waiting.

Wait for the LORD
and keep his way.
He will exalt you to inherit the land;
when the wicked are cut off, you will see it.
Psalm 37:34

All of Psalm 37 is about waiting on the Lord for justice and not losing hope when evil appears to succeed. The Bible is very clear that wickedness will appear to succeed for a while. But we who believe in God are to qavah for the LORD. The Strong's translation of the Hebrew word qavah is: "to wait" and adds, "This word stresses the straining of the mind in a certain direction with an expectant attitude - a forward look with assurance."

To me, that idea of qavah in Psalm 37 is the key to seeing God as he is - completely just and fair. When I am unfairly hurt, God sees it. God knows it's wrong. God has a plan and is doing something about it on my behalf. I will someday see the results of his work. It's just that the waiting is often so hard to bear. Ultimately, I must wait for the day when God will right all of the wrongs, when justice will truly be like flowers in a garden, and when I will see the Lord face-to-face in THE place designed to quench our thirst for what is right - Heaven.

But why does the Lord delay justice? Is that harsh or unfair in itself? Why does he make us wait?

I can't claim to understand why God delays justice, but in a fallen world where humans have free will and can choose to sin, God has chosen not to reverse our decisions. Instead, he prepares a place for us that is not fallen or sick with sin - He will give us comfort, reward us, and heal us completely in Heaven. And as we endure here on earth, he has enabled us, through faith, to suffer trials without bitterness (in fact, even with joy) because we have the goal and purpose to share the message of Heaven with those who are searching for the same kind of fairness.

If you believe in Jesus, as I do, we can continue to run the race marked out for us - sharing with others about what Jesus has done and pressing on toward the finish line of reward, restoration, and recompense in Heaven.

If you don't yet believe, consider the mercy of God's patience as he continues to reach out to you the true lifeline of relationship with Jesus Christ and the priceless gift of complete forgiveness. Jesus willingly suffered incomprehensible injustice on earth so that we could have this gift. By simply believing, we are promised eternity in a world where all that was wrong will finally be made fully and completely right.

Reminder of Our Refuge

2009-09-05T22:52:00.008-04:00

See anything?What about now?

What's that?
There's a turkey in that tree!
With something under its wing...
A closer look...

He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
Psalm 91:4

Secrets of Invisible Illness

2009-08-31T23:09:00.003-04:00

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

1. The illness I live with is: POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome) which is a specific form of dysautonomia (dysfunction of the autonomic nervous system). In addition, I have MCS (multiple chemical sensitivity), IBS (irritable bowel syndrome), postural diastolic hypotension, non-24-hour circadian rhythm disorder, Raynaud's, asthma, and allergies.

2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 2005 (POTS) - earlier for others.

3. But I had symptoms since: 1998

4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: Giving up a lot of independence.

5. Most people assume: I'm much healthier than I am when I am able to go out socially.

6. The hardest part about mornings is: Waiting for the muscle aches, malaise, and fatigue to ease, though that doesn't always happen.

7. My favorite medical TV show is: Mystery Diagnosis.

8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: My laptop. It's how I work part-time and do much of my socializing.

9. The hardest part about nights is: Being awake alone and knowing I will need to sleep all day.

10. Each day I take 2 to 3 pills & vitamins. (I tend to have uncommon reactions and side effects, so I'm not on many medications.)

11. Regarding alternative treatments I: Can even have severe reactions to "natural" remedies. One such attempt sent me to the ER.

12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: Invisible. Prior to and during my diagnosis, it was extraordinarily difficult to cope with not being believed, but now that I have validation and a diagnosis, I'm grateful to still look like my old self.

13. Regarding working and career: I had no idea how much self-esteem and worth I gained from my career. Losing it was one of the hardest grieving processes I've ever had to go through. I felt lost and worthless. Readjusting the way I view myself, my work, and allowing God to impart my value as a person has been a challenging and humbling road.

14. People would be surprised to know: How sick I can be on "bad days" when no one sees me but my family.

15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: Losing my "old life," job, friends, freedoms, and feeling that people and opportunities pass me by.

16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: Find satisfying and flexible part-time work from home.

17. The commercials about my illness: Don't exist. Though many people (especially young women) suffer from dysautonomia, there is very little public awareness about it. The closest it came to being public was when a member of "The Wiggles" had it and had to quit the group.

18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: Playing music in an ensemble.

19. It was really hard to have to give up: My career and driving. Though now, after years of healing, I can do some driving.

20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: Pilates. I have also had more time to read and crochet, which I had enjoyed before but never had time to do.

21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: Travel on an airplane and spend all day outside in hot weather biking, hiking, playing tennis, and being active.

22. My illness has taught me: That when dreams are shattered and I am weak, Christ is my Rock, my true friend, ready to help bear my burdens and strengthen me.

23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: "Hope you feel better." or "Let me know if I can help." Those are usually polite ways for people to disengage.

24. But I love it when people: Keep in contact with me through email and maintain friendship with me even when I can't attend events, return phone calls, or have to turn down repeated invitations.

25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: "Wait and hope for and expect the Lord; be brave and of good courage and let your heart be stout and enduring. Yes, wait for and hope for and expect the Lord." -Psalm 27:14 (Amp)

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
- Psalm 73:26

26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: Learning to live positively within your limitations is the key to enjoying life with dysautonomia.

27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: How much relief came when there was no more professional and personal pressure to "do it all" and achieve.

28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: Bring me food, a game/movie, and offer genuine friendship with lots of laughter.

29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: The psychological impact of not being believed was excruciatingly painful for me before I was diagnosed. I felt like a failure, and many people looked at me as if I was a "slacker" because I suddenly couldn't physically keep up with expectations.

30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: Encouraged that you learned something about my experience with dysautonomia, how faith in Christ has anchored me, and that chronic invisible illness is more complex and difficult than it appears.

My friend Rachel completed this list of 30 things on her blog, and so I thought it would be fun to do it too. It was started by Lisa Copen of Rest Ministries in honor of Invisible Illness Week, which is coming up soon!

The Battle Plan

2009-08-20T04:46:00.007-04:00

It's funny how songs can get stuck in my head. I don't know why or how it happens, but sometimes one line of melody, one lyric that I happen to hear, gets caught up in my brain and plays on loop for a while. Has that ever happened to you?

It happened to me a couple weeks ago. I was reliving my high school days by looking up some 80s Russian pop music. "Luckily" I found the album and played all the songs. Unfortunately, one of those songs stuck around for a while and overstayed its welcome in my head. I'd just be sitting there and this nonsense Russian lyric kept repeating, round and round. I wanted to scream!

Fast forward to yesterday, and I was searching YouTube for a new concept I saw on the news called "literal videos." Apparently, people take wacky old music videos and redo the vocals to make the lyrics reflect the visuals exactly. A pretty humorous concept on the surface. I had a good time with some of the more innocent videos, giggling at some clever lines. But because the music is secular and the videos are sometimes dark and creepy, a few of the lyrics verged on unpleasant. No big deal right? Just some harmless fun. Well, it wasn't until I was lying in bed and the melody of one of those off-color lyrics started cycling through my head that I realized I'd relaxed my standards too far. So frustrating!

Ever since the adversity in my life has increased, I've noticed I have a lower and lower threshold to tolerate negative (anti-God) stuff. It's almost physically painful for me to hear or see anything that goes against God's Word. I literally cringe internally. I didn't use to feel like this, so one of my old childhood friends was really confused one day when I asked her to turn her music off in my car. It wasn't because I didn't want to be tolerant, open-minded, or kind. I just couldn't take the dark and negative lyrics that permeated her entire CD. She didn't understand and was offended. I realized that my struggles had fundamentally changed me.

About 10 years ago, I made a very important discovery: I choose what I put in my mind. I control my thoughts. Whatever I see, experience, listen to, or work on affects me deeply. When I see a disturbing scene in a movie, that scene can often pop up in my dreams later that night. When I spend a lot of time with people who are negative, I begin to feel and talk negatively. Conversely, memorizing a scripture verse will lift my mood and keep me grounded in truth. There's no room to be passive when it comes to my thoughts because my thoughts directly affect who I am and what I do.

When you're feeling stressed out about adversity in your life, do you ever have days where you feel like you've "been through the war"? I think that's a pretty accurate description for what most of us face when we are struggling with a major problem. The problem is discouraging. It threatens to bring us down. We think about the problem. We focus on everything that isn't going right. We see everything physically that is against us, and it's so tempting to give in to all the worry, the fear, the negative messages swirling in our minds, and give up.

But we have a choice! Our battle is not fought physically with real swords and shields. It is fought spiritually, in our souls and minds. That is why Paul said:

"For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms."
Ephesians 6:12

How do we fight in a spiritual war? We have to fight the enemy's weapons of discouragement, hopelessness, fear, and doubt with encouragement, hope, confidence, and faith! All of those things require us to be purposeful about what we put into our minds, what we experience, what we listen to, what we watch, who we spend time with. If I want to purpose to be encouraged, I need to think encouraging thoughts, listen to encouraging songs, and be uplifted by God's truth. Being in a battle gives me no choice. I either suit up in God's armor, or I will be a quick and easy casualty.

We're instructed to fight this way:

"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."
2 Corinthians 10:5

Taking each thought captive and making it obedient means having control over my mind and directing my thoughts constantly to obey God's teaching. It's the only way to win the battle on a moment by moment basis. Not doing this would be as silly as sending an army into battle with no training, no battle plan, and no weapons. That kind of disorganized chaos wouldn't survive a war. Similarly, I don't survive very well spiritually when I don't control what goes on in my mind. I'm easily attacked by doubt and naturally become disheartened.

In order to win the battle, I must have this goal:

"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things."
Philippians 4:8

This command isn't to make us into boring goodie-goodies. It's to make us powerful spiritual warriors! It's a battle plan for facing the hardships of life. If I strive to place the truth of God's word in my mind, worship songs in my heart, uplifting relationships around me, and positive images in front of me, I will train my mind like a commander trains an army. I don't want to be a casualty of discouragement, fear, doubt, or hopelessness. I can defeat all of these through continually focusing on my King and Commander Jesus - the one who gives me strength.

(I included a new song in my playlist to the right which contains lyrics straight from Psalm 36:5-6. What better song to get stuck in my head today than one that will remind me of scripture - over and over again!)

One Pair of Hands

2009-08-18T06:06:00.003-04:00

I had some very hurtful things happen to me last week, and it's been agony getting through the emotional pain. Sometimes I wish there was something like Motrin for the soul. Physical pain can abate for a time, but emotional pain is constant, gnawing, with no available respite. I found myself shifting restlessly in an effort to get some momentary relief, just to gather the strength to keep going.

When I was cleaning out my email inbox yesterday, I saw a forward from a long time ago with this song as an attachment. I don't like downloading forwarded files, so I had put it aside at the time. Interestingly, I ended up finding it when I needed to hear it the most. I looked up the song on YouTube, and as I listened, I felt such a warm and powerful comfort from the hand of God. It's worth a listen - especially if you like Unchained Melody by the Righteous Brothers. (At least, that's what I'm reminded of.) :)

What the Bride's Uncle Said

2009-08-04T19:13:00.018-04:00

Sometimes the way I handle my anger sucks.

I have to admit it here before I can go any further because to be honest, I blew it last weekend.

To set this up, I need to first confess that I tend to stuff my stuff. That means that when I get upset about something or frustrated, I tend to stuff it inside rather than deal with it. I think in some warped way I may think that means I'm trying to be "good" and "nice" by overlooking offense, but what I'm really doing is filling the pot up when the heat is on, and it's only a matter of time before I start to boil.

The thing about my family is that we are dealing with more than one major life problem at one time, and it's been difficult like this for years and years. When people are burned out, it's easier to lose control. It's easy when you live in close quarters to take out your frustration on someone when it's not really directed at them. It's easy to have one "last straw" that triggers the outpouring of pain and emotion. It's easy to literally throw in the towel and scream at the top of your lungs, "Enough is enough! I can't take this anymore!" Only, in the irrationality of anger, it can come out as "I can't take you anymore!" which is way worse.

My anger, frustration, and pain boiled over in anger and tears this weekend, and I felt totally ashamed afterward. I felt ashamed at my words, at overreacting, and especially before God because I had been studying his word earlier that day. I felt like a fraud and a failure. How can I claim to love God and pour out such bitterness? How can worship and resentful anger come from the same mouth? I was truly hanging my head that day as I walked out the door to my friend's wedding.

When I got there, I was just hoping to make it through the ceremony without having any health issues. I was still ruminating over how badly I had handled my emotions earlier, and I was especially convicted when the definition of love (1 Corinthians 13) was read aloud. My behavior? Not. So. Loving. Ugh.

Just as I was expecting a few short words before the vows and rings, the bride's uncle announced that he would be giving a sermon. I was waiting for the typical love, give-and-take, and how to have a happy life together deal, so I was completely surprised to hear him zero in directly on this verse:

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your minds, so that you may discern what is the will of God - what is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12: 2

Furthermore, he focused immediately on the word "perfect." He reviewed more of Romans 12 and the "laundry list" of traits that are set as the standard for perfection.

Ah great. Just what I needed to hear about, being perfect.

But then he said, "perfect does not mean being flawless."

My ears perked up. Oh?

He said that perfect is pursuing God's purpose relentlessly. He continued to speak about the importance of our purpose, the goal that God has for us, and that we cannot let our flaws hold us back from pursuing God. He said that we will fail in life. We will be flawed. That is certain. But he wrapped it up like this:

If there is a Phillips screw that needs to be screwed in, and you have a choice between a brand new flat head and an old, beat-up, mangled Phillips head - you're going to pick the flawed Philips tool because it's the one best suited to the job. That's what it was created to do, and it can do that job perfectly, even though it's got flaws.

When he said that, a wave of relief rushed over me. The bride, groom, and guests probably wondered why in the world they were hearing about flaws and purpose at a wedding, but I knew those words were, if nothing else, complete grace from God to me. It was as if he washed away my irrational words of anger and said to me: You're still able to complete the mission I have for you. Don't give up when you fail to meet my holy standards. You are covered by my Son.

If that wasn't enough, the next morning I turned on the TV to catch the tail end of one of my favorite pastors, Charles Stanley. After he finished his sermon, I was about to turn it off, but I decided I'd just leave it on for the "Ask Dr. Stanley" message at the end, where he answers an email question.

The question was from a woman who had experienced long-term tragedy in her life, and she couldn't properly handle her anger over the pain she was suffering and the people who had disappointed her along the way. It was as if I had written the question myself. Tears filled my eyes as Dr. Stanley compassionately comforted the woman and me by saying that God understood the emotions and the struggle.

I experienced that feeling of grace all over again.

But the really exciting part of his answer was about the purpose that God still intendeds for us to fulfill. He talked about God's goal for our lives and the need to press on to realize the specific purpose God has for us, even when we have to continually turn over our anger to him and even when we fail in how we handle our anger.

It was the SAME MESSAGE TWICE in under 24 hours! In both instances my heart felt washed in love, compassion, and forgiveness. I felt God speaking directly to me in my pain. I was also excited and encouraged by the hope set before me. This pain isn't all for nothing. There is a job for me to do here on earth, and it's a job I'm specifically suited for. My body, mind, and soul are being shaped to do this job that God has set me apart to do. It's a unique and awesome thing to be assigned good works by my Creator and to be fashioned by him in order to do them. It is so exciting that in spite of, and maybe even because of my flaws and failures, God can still use me.

It's my purpose today to pass along this encouragement to you. There is a purpose that God has uniquely created for YOU to accomplish. He can use a broken, beaten-up, humble heart that is committed to him. He wants us sinners to accomplish great things in His name. So if you feel humbled by a sin, weakness, or failure, remember this: It's not our flawlessness that counts, it's our faith and our willingness to press on in Christ.

"But where sin increased, grace increased all the more..."
Romans 5:20

"For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do."
Ephesians 2:10

When abnormal becomes the new normal

2009-08-03T03:53:00.007-04:00

Recently, a good friend of mine got mono. Whenever I'd read his status updates on Twitter or Facebook, I'd find myself slightly surprised at how limitations and symptoms that were new and foreign to him were completely typical for me. Can't go to work? Can't do errands? One activity in a day is too much? Trouble concentrating? His health was radically altered to resemble mine for a few weeks. It reminded me just how much I've had to adapt my lifestyle to my limitations. Dealing daily with abnormal health has become normal for me.

It's not easy to understand chronic illness if you haven't lived it. I'm always happy to find some kind of analogy for my daily struggles with dysautonomia in order to improve understanding and awareness. This dysfunction of my autonomic nervous system affects almost every system of my body. Symptoms range widely in type and severity from day to day or even hour to hour. I can be doing ok one minute and flat on my back the next - quite literally. Describing these symptoms and feelings to another (healthy) person is just short of impossible, so sometimes I don't even try. However, it can be helpful to use an analogy every so often, just to keep those around me in tune with what I cope with on a regular basis.

Tonight, I briefly visited the online support forum for my condition. One member made me smile knowingly when she posted that adaptation and adjustment to her limitations had left her forgetting what it felt like to be "normal." She said that seeing people standing in 90-degree heat at a BBQ left her marveling: "What if they get overheated? How can they stand so long? How can they talk and not be short of breath?" I share this sense of wonder when I see average people completing normal, everyday tasks with ease. I sometimes question how a person can have enough energy to get through a full day of work without immediately crash landing on the couch. For me, watching the average person function is akin to seeing a superhero leap tall buildings in a single bound. If I think back, I know that at one time I was healthy enough to do it all, but it's as if I'm remembering a dream, not real life.

Standing is incredibly difficult for me because my blood pressure slowly drops the longer I'm upright. (To a lesser extent, this also happens with sitting upright.) Unless I shift my weight around, walk, or do something else to circulate my blood, my brain gradually runs out of oxygen the longer I remain standing still. I used to have no analogy for this kind of feeling, other than a fogginess in my mind and a feeling of urgency to move or lie down. I mean, even though my brain is slowly being deprived of oxygen, I still look entirely normal on the outside. What do people think when I start to have trouble following their conversation or finding words? Do I look thoughtless when I ask a question they just answered 5 minutes ago? Do I appear stupid when I have to think hard about simple responses? Does it seem odd that I can walk over to greet someone but shift away uneasily while we converse? All these questions go through my mind.

Standing for me is similar to lifting a heavy weight above your head. At first, you can hold the weight up without much of a problem. Sure, it's heavy, but it's possible. Then your arms begin to shake as your muscles fatigue. Soon, you can feel your body crying out to put this weight down. As you power through every message your body is sending you to STOP, you eventually find that you cannot will yourself to go on any longer. Your arms suddenly reach the breaking point and collapse under the weight that at first was manageable. It's the same way standing feels to a person with dysautonomia. The initial stance may be manageable, but the longer I stand, the more urgently my body signals me to sit, sit, sit! If I ignore these signals for too long, I can eventually collapse.

Another problem that I deal with regularly is severe fatigue (usually with muscle aches). Saying these words makes it sound like a nice nap or a day in bed will have me back up in no time. However, my invisible illness is not cured by sleep, and in fact, my fatigue is often at its worst during the hours after I wake up! I have had a hard time describing this type of exhaustion to the average person. There is just nothing like it when you are young and healthy with endless energy. The closest description that matches this feeling is when you have the flu. The flu makes every single muscle in your body ache, and moving feels like you are fighting through molasses. People who have had the flu or even mono can understand this feeling. When this crushing exhaustion is unrelenting for months and years, it is not possible to maintain a normal life. Imagine how having the flu disrupts normal life for a week or two. Now think about what it would be like to have the flu all the time. It's important to remind others that even though I look normal, I'm actually putting forth 3 times the typical amount of effort to get through a particular activity, and afterward, I "pay" for an event with worsening symptoms for days after it's over.

I've been thinking carefully about these analogies for some time, and I'm writing about them not to get sympathy, but to spread awareness of what it's physically like to live in a body limited by chronic illness. Each person with chronic illness probably has a particular symptom that disables them more than others, and some are more severely disabled than others, but the result is the same - trying to operate as normally as possible while feeling very far from normal.

Next time you meet someone who seems confused, distracted, or has trouble following your conversation... next time someone tells you they are just too exhausted to make it out... next time you meet someone with a chronic illness, remember that though they may appear normal, it's quite possible they are fighting through physical suffering greater than you could ever imagine.

"Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."

Trusting like Tom Cruise

2009-07-21T03:46:00.006-04:00

I am often up late at night, and quite frankly, the TV that is on between 2am and 5am leaves a lot to be desired. I don't want to cleanse my colon. I don't need to buy a total gym. And I'm really not interested in any aspect of "male enhancement."

When I'm feeling ok, I tend to keep the TV off and do work on the computer. However, when my health makes me feel weak and exhausted, a good movie is often just what I need. This past weekend, I felt exceptionally wiped out, so imagine my intrigue when I saw that the movie Minority Report was going to be on at 2:30am!

A) It was a movie I'd never seen before.
B) It was NOT the millionth showing of The Wedding Planner.

I tend to favor light, upbeat movies, so I was cautious about Minority Report. I didn't know much about the plot, and action movies can often turn dark and violent, proving to disturb me more than distract me. However, I was in a mood to take a risk, and a brief plot summary described Tom Cruise fighting crime in the future by arresting criminals before they commit their crimes. Neat.

I started watching and got roped in right away by Steven Spielberg's masterful special effects. The concept of fighting "pre-crime" with "pre-cogs" was also interesting. Having no "pre-conceived" ideas (ha.) or expectations, it was a wonderful surprise to enjoy the exciting suspense from beginning to end.

Anyway, there's one scene in particular that I want to share because it relates so closely with what I'm going through with God. To set it up, Tom Cruise is being chased, and he has with him a girl (Agatha) who perfectly knows what the future holds. Watch as he struggles to trust Agatha when all his instincts are screaming for him to do the opposite of what she says:

As she tells him to wait, exposed and without protection, Tom's character has no understanding of why. He simply has to lean on her understanding of the future, trusting that she has his best interest at heart the whole time.

I reflected today on how we are so much like Tom's character when we find ourselves in problems that God does not solve right away. It can be baffling why God tells us to "wait, wait, wait" when we are exposed and vulnerable to danger, pain, and grief. But if we trust God's infinite knowledge and his perfect plan, we find his navigation is always superior to ours. He is always our loving, good, and faithful shepherd. If God is asking you to wait in a tough place today, remember this movie scene and how trusting God is so very similar.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6

Just out of reach

2009-07-16T03:09:00.004-04:00

In May, my laptop screen suddenly went black. Lights out. I had had a feeling for a while that things weren't quite right. Whenever I'd open the lid, a slight pinkish hue would appear on the screen for a second, and then quickly fade back to normal.

Using my Googling skills ("laptop," "pink," "dark screen") I became vaguely aware of some very electrical-sounding part that is "the most common cause" for this problem and could "easily" be replaced. Well, color me ready to do this the cheap and easy route rather than, say, buying a brand new laptop after less than 5 years of use. I combed Ebay for the best deal on my new part, and paid, only to realize post final-sale-click that the part number was off. After politely asking for a refund (and receiving a partial refund due to Ebay FEES - don't get me started!), I was undeterred and found the right part number on a rather reputable site - i.e. professional-looking web site with testimonials that shows up in the first page of Google results. I bought the part and decided to throw in some new lid-hinges while I was at it since my lid flopped around like a sleeping child's head whenever I wasn't careful.

Fast forward several business days for standard USPS shipping time, and my parts arrived! I tore open my laptop lid with the kind of cautious zeal you use when running in the dark. I am by no means experienced in computer repair. In fact, I was initially surprised that a mere mortal like myself could open a laptop without some sort of magical "break-it-open" tool.

Hinges installed? Check. New fancy-circuity-board-thing screwed in place? Check.

I pressed the power button. Ah! To have a fixed laptop with no service fees!

The screen came on. It was pink. OHHHHH! Pink.

I somehow rationalized to myself that this was ok. Perfectly normal. Screen is on. No problems here. But in my heart, I knew that fancy little fix was not my problem. I had the "other" problem. The more complicated one. The one that all the tech forums and help sites said might require taking your laptop to a repair center. The one that might cost 250-300 dollars for a brand new LCD screen.

But back to denial. I was convinced I had fixed it. So fully convinced I was that I faux-confidently signed in to my online job and began working with a client. Oh, the tangled webs we weave when we deny our problems. Of course, my screen chose to fail at that very moment. Instant black. I tried to hit various key combinations in semi-controlled panic and strained to find my mouse arrow in vain - only a faint outline of all my windows could be seen at the right angle. I disconnected in defeat. The computer, in spite of all my efforts with screwdrivers, parts, and dismantling, was NOT fixed. The backlight bulb was burned out.

I know that at this point I should have started looking for how to replace the bulb, but first I transferred my work to a temporary computer (read: my mom's). I had no idea how long it would take to get my laptop back up and running again, so I just put it off.

Many weeks passed as my laptop sat mournfully closed at my bedside, like a sports star sidelined by injury. Poor, pitiful, (expensive) paper weight.

Finally I realized that in order to make upcoming computer projects possible, I'd need to get to the bottom of Operation Sudden Blackout. It was time to finally Google that dreaded phrase: "backlight bulb replacement." How many procrastinators does it take to screw in a light bulb? One. But it takes her a really, really long time (and a very smart, patient, helpful boyfriend).

This was not as simple as just:
1) Remove old bulb
2) Put in new bulb

No. This bulb was INSIDE the LCD screen, which is a pretty intimidating contraption to rip into. There are yellow warnings with tape all over it and things that make it look entirely too forbidding (giving me the feeling that opening it might cause pixels to fall out or toxic gas to emerge). In addition, the bulb itself was very long, very thin, and very fragile. Breaking it was not an option, and did I mention that I didn't really know what I was doing?

So I ordered a bulb (again, off FEE-bay), hoping against all hope that it wasn't too long for my screen, because if it was, then it was game over. Once the bulb arrived, it was time to get to work.

I started by almost stripping one of the screws that held the screen cover on. Great start. After much time spent on removing the cover, I couldn't budge the screws that simply held the LCD screen in place to the frame. Whoops! Time to go back to Tech class 101.

Once THAT was accomplished, a lot of untaping and unscrewing and removing of thin metal parts ensued until a thin plastic bar the length of the screen emerged from the rubble. It contained the old bulb. Like the true technical archeologist that I am, I ripped the wire off and broke the bulb in my not-so-gentle removal. Pleased that I had ordered a bulb with new wires already attached (rather than having to salvage the old broken ones), I stuffed the new bulb into the plastic groove. Putting entirely too many fingerprints all over the inner layers of the LCD screen, I mashed everything back together and tried to ignore the slight bulge in the middle. Before doing anything else, I set it down, plugging it into the fancy new circuit card that I'd installed weeks earlier, and powered up. Hooray! The new bulb was a grand success!! Problem solved! Again!

Only, upon reassembly, I discovered a mildly disturbing fact when screwing the screen into place... the wires from the new bulb were too short to reach the power card. The screen was as useless as before I fixed it. No amount of tugging could bridge that irritating 2 to 3 cm gap. The plug end dangled just short of its destination. There appeared to be no way to fix it.

This was when my determination was tested. It was my give-up moment or my go-on moment. When my goal was just out of reach, I knew I had to fight harder than ever.

It wasn't long before I began to wonder if the computer would really make it. Was I just a fool to think I could get this thing running without paying a professional? Was I up against a problem that could not be solved? There was no way to lengthen the wires without losing power to the bulb. There was no connector that would extend the specialized plug to meet its socket. I appeared to be in a no-win situation.

The thing was - I just could not accept defeat.

I decided to let a week pass and then re-opened the screen once more - this time with a plan to stretch the wires as far as possible and maybe gain enough length to make it work. (This did not work, but it fixed the bothersome bulge in the screen.) As Mike and I sat there, we worked out a plan to move the power plug closer to the short wires. ("If you can't bring Mohammad to the mountain...") It was possible to do it if I stretched the components to the max, but that left a lot of things "loose" and "not screwed in," allowing for the plug to separate easily at any time. It was Mike who finally saw that doubling the screws for the cover as screws for the internal components would fix everything in place. And that was the moment my laptop was fixed.

After almost 2 months of being out of order, my laptop was back in business - for work, for socializing, and for sanity. I admit that I was a bit too excited to have my old, familiar, inanimate friend return.

It struck me that day just how important persistence, determination, and perseverance are when encountering problems that seem insurmountable. It's also a testimony to how much we need friends and supporters to help us "think outside the box." A fresh perspective, refusing to give up, and wise advice can often be the keys to tremendous success - not just with computers, but in life.

Hebrews 10:35-36 encourages me to always persevere, especially in those moments that make me want to give up the most -
"So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised."

On the Day of Judgment, we will be richly rewarded if we did not give up on our faith in Christ despite danger, persecution, and difficulty. We will shine like the stars in the heavens... with brightness that comes not from a new bulb, but from the glory of God himself.

Feeling down? Only one place to go...

2009-06-27T09:33:00.008-04:00

Having some hard days physically? Can't get done what you want to do? Hard to remain positive emotionally? Dragged down by fatigue?

Check out "You Alone" by Kim Hill on my playlist to the right. It lifted me up this morning!

I lift my eyes when I am troubled
I lift my hands, I lift my heart
And there I stand knowing nothing can defeat me
Just as long as I know where You are

In You alone
Is where I find my comfort
In You alone
You're my only hope
In You alone
My heart has found a resting place
In You alone
In You alone

So I won't fear though darkness hides me
No, I won't let my courage sway
For You are near and at the brightness of Your glory
The shadows of the night melt away

In You alone
Is promise I can cling to
In You alone
You're my security
In You alone
My soul has found a dwelling place
Only in You alone

What could separate me from Your love?
Neither life nor death, nor anything at all
Anything at all

In You alone
Is where I find my comfort
In You alone
You're my only hope
In You alone
My heart has found a resting place
Only in You alone
Only in You alone
Only in You alone

Hurting with Hope. Hold the Sugar.

2009-06-23T05:01:00.007-04:00

“We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us; we are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.”
~C.S. Lewis

Father's Day was painful for me on many levels. My broken relationship with my father has not improved, and I am heartbroken by his actions. My repeated attempts to convey my feelings and boundaries in an honest and straightforward way have not been well received. Rage and blame. It's always the same.

I'm often tempted to use the word "hopeless" to describe the state of things with my dad. And honestly, aside from a miracle, it is a hopeless situation. It's as if the relationship is simply dead. How can things ever get better as his heart becomes harder and harder? How can this situation be God's best for me? There is no denying the deep, abiding grief I'm feeling. But through my faith in Jesus, I know God can use my brokenness and work miracles in seemingly dead and hopeless circumstances, to bring about new life.

I share the C.S. Lewis quote because it's the next best thing to tattooing it on my forehead. I love this quote. It's honest. It's real. It's faith without sugarcoating. As the storms in my life rage out of control, I don't doubt that God has a plan for it all, but everything in my body starts screaming in fear - a fear of what else I will have to lose, a fear of what "new normals" (read: new lows) I will have to get used to, a fear of how isolated my circumstances can make me feel.

The pain that God uses to shape me is like a surgeon's scalpel. It's controlled by a wise, perfect, and loving hand, but that doesn't make the incisions hurt any less.

Though I do not know what the future holds, I will not lose hope, for I believe in Almighty God - "the God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were."
Romans 4:17

I Wait For The Lord, My Soul Waits

2009-06-13T04:04:00.002-04:00

I've wanted to add this Jeremy Camp song to my blog music playlist for a long time. (To hear it, click the play button on the list to the right.) This song embodies what 'Colors of Qavah' is all about - waiting for God to redeem suffering. I'm not waiting with my hands tied like some powerless bystander, but I am actively waiting. I'm engaging God and wrestling with my fears, my honest emotions, my questions, and my worries about the future. I wait for the Lord with eager anticipation.

When I began this blog, my primary focus was waiting for God to resolve the painful circumstances in my life. And guess what? He hasn't done that yet. But God has shifted me into a stronger position of waiting on Him to see what he will do with my pain. How will he redeem my circumstances? How will he use the pain in my life to change me? How will it be used to encourage and bless others who are hurting? How will he strengthen and sustain me through this storm?

This song resonated in my heart tonight as I read Psalm 130.

Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD;

O Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.

If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?

But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are feared.

I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.

My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.

O Israel, put your hope in the LORD,
for with the LORD is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.

He himself will redeem Israel
from all their sins.

God, as I get weary in my waiting - when my strength fades, when I sin against you, when I'm in the depths and feel that I just can't go on, please give me hope in your word. Help me to wait for you with the same confidence as the watchmen wait for the certainty of morning.